Back to Where We Have Never Been

A/N: The bad news: this chapter is kind of short. The good news: it's spring break so I have more time to write! Everyone hyped for Castle at Paleyfest tonight? I know I am. :)

As always, thank you for reading, your support and reviews. I do read every one and appreciate your feedback. Now, on to chapter 17! :)

Chapter 17

She stared at him from across the small café table, two paper cups of coffee sitting between them. Her eyes threatened to stray for a second to the pastry case over his shoulder but she held strong and kept them on him instead. She leaned back in her chair, resting with her arms crossed over her chest and her legs crossed under the table. She tapped her toes in the air as her fingers tapped in rhythm on the plastic tabletop. Her eyes narrowed and her lip twitched, threatening a smile she managed to suppress. It was too fun to watch him squirm. She had to stay strong.

"Well, you see. It's actually a funny story…" he began.

She cocked her head to the side, her lips pursed slightly, watching as he swallowed. His adam's apple bobbed as he brought a hand up to run through his hair.

He glanced up to meet her eyes before quickly looking back down to study the fascinating plastic cover to his grande café mocha latte. His finger flicked at the plastic rim a couple of times before his words stuttered into motion again.

"Gina, my publisher and my ex-wife, but that isn't important right now. Her being my ex I mean, it is important that she is my editor. But, anyway, she said that the book was good but that I had toned it down too much. I took out those, what did you call them? Oh, yes, "cheesy secondary story lines that read like a cheap romance novel", and the publishing company wasn't too happy about it, so I had to add something in. And, you know, it was probably a good thing I did because it has been my best selling novel so far, Knight and Rook have been a hit. Not to say that it's only a hit because of the sex scene, but it probably didn't hurt… They want a series. I think it's a good idea. Don't you think that is fantastic? Fans have been telling me how much they love it, and there has been talk of a movie. Jade Knight is a star…"

Castle's babbling monologue trailed off as he looked up and saw her staring at him. Her hand covered her mouth in an attempt to cover a smile as her eyes shined at him, crinkling slightly at the corners. Her shoulders shook with held in laughter. His eyes grew wide as he stared at her, his jaw hanging open slightly.

"You're messing with me?" He asked incredulously.

She sucked in a deep breath, swallowing her laughter as she pasted on her best innocent expression and shook her head. "No, not at all. I am furious."

She managed to make it through the sentence before her face broke and she burst out into laughter. He continued to stare at her, and every time she managed to pull herself together enough to look at him again, she would glance up and burst into laughter again.

"I wish you could see your face," she finally wheezed out, bringing a hand up to wipe away the tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.

He shook his head, bringing his coffee cup up to his lips for a sip, a smile finally crossing his face. "I'm glad my awkward babbling is so amusing to you."

Kate leaned back in her chair, taking a deep breath as her shoulders shook with one final chuckle. Letting out a sigh, she brought her own coffee up for a sip and shook her head as she stared at him over the lid. She sat like that for a moment, her eyes studying him as he stared back.

"I missed you," she finally voiced, the paper cup pressed against her lips.

"I missed you, too," he stated back, a look of genuine relief crossing his face. "I was worried for a little while that I would never get to see you again."

Kate let out a sigh, looking down as she placed her cup back on the table, spinning it around a couple of times with her right hand as her left arm rested in her lap, fingers rubbing together. "For a while I wasn't sure if I was going to come back."

Castle settled back in his chair, his arms crossing over his chest as he watched her staring down at the table, her hair falling over her face. "Why did you break up with Mark?"

The question came out as a whisper but the sound of it was deafening as it reverberated between them. Kate's hand paused and her eyes snapped up to meet his. He tried to read the expression, somewhere between pain, regret and defiance.

She let out a sigh and sunk back into her chair, her coffee cup clutched to her chest like a lifeline. Her eyes flickered up to his before glancing around to look at everything that wasn't him: the table, her lap, the couple sitting at the table in the corner, the pastry case. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"I, um…" she started. He didn't smile at her stuttering, though. He didn't tease her like she had him only minutes before. Her pain was real, not the embarrassment of being called out for an R rated sex scene that had come from his imagination. "I realized it was never going to change. He was always going to come first: his job, his family, his friends. And everything I wanted was going to be negotiable. I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that. I loved him, still do to some extent, but I don't want a relationship where I always come second. I want to have someone who is there for me and I am there for them and we can just dive into it together."

He continued to stare at her, his eyes soft as she took in a final breath and forced herself to look at him. "Have dinner with me."

"Castle, I…" she shook her head slightly.

"Come on. Tonight, at the loft. My mother will be there, so will Alexis, probably. No strings, no commitments, just a friend coming over for dinner after being out of the country for a year. Please?"

Kate stared at him for a moment longer, her teeth chewing nervously on her lower lip before she nodded in assent. "Okay, but make sure it's all right with Alexis first."

Castle cocked his head to the side slightly. Alexis?

"Why…" he started.

"She's in my class, Castle. It might be kind of weird for her to be having dinner with her evil professor," Kate explained.

Castle's eyes grew wide. "Right. That's a little bit awkward. Have to keep that in mind for the future…"

It was Kate's turn to cock her head in question and Castle's eyes grew wider as he realized what his last statement had implied. "Not that, I mean, I'm not assuming that…"

He closed his eyes as Kate let out another small laugh, her mirth once again letting him off the hook. "Nice to know you are always so good with words, Castle."

"Yes, I know, best selling author. The irony."

Kate smiled at him, her eyes becoming softer as she stared across the table. He stared back, their eyes meeting in a quiet conversation, a feeling of contentment floating across the space.

"I'm glad you came back, Kate," he said softly.

Her smile brightened slightly, "I had no choice. I never really left in the first place. This is where I am supposed to be."

"Come on," she continued, pushing herself up from her seat. "You promised me dinner and if you don't feed me soon, I am going to devour that entire row of blueberry muffin in that case over there."

Castle glanced over his shoulder, where she was pointing, before glancing back at her, the mood significantly lighter than it had been seconds before. "That's a lot of muffins."

"I'm really hungry. I kind of forgot about lunch," she confessed as he threw both of their empty cups in the trashcan by the door.

"You need to stop doing that," he chastised as he held the door open for her.

"I couldn't help it," she defended back. "I was bombarded by panicking students all day. I didn't get a break."

"Uh-huh. I bet you just got caught up reading and forgot. "

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"I think the lady doth protest too much."

"So, how's my mother?"

"What? Why are you asking me about your mother?"

"Oh, I figured you would know better than me since you have been having weekly lunches with her and all."

"Well, I, um, I can explain."

"I can't wait to hear this."

Castle grew quiet as they walked side by side down the sidewalk, their elbows bumping every couple of steps.

"I'm waiting, Castle."

"I missed you, okay? And I was having trouble with Alexis and I wanted to call and ask your advice because you know, you're a girl and all and I figured you could tell me what to do, but you wanted space so I settled for the next best thing. I called your mother. It sort of turned into a thing."

Kate stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and Castle paused after a couple more steps, turning back to face her when he realized she was no longer at his side.

"Too much?" He winced slightly.

"No," she replied, smiling back at him, squinting slightly into the setting sun. "I think it's sweet."

Castle's face broke into a relieved grin. "Good. Sweet is good."

He waited while Kate took the last couple of steps to catch up with him, before turning to continue walking towards his loft.

"Of course," he continued, a slight mischievous glint playing in his eyes. "You may not think it's so sweet after hearing some of the stories your mother told me about you."

Castle tapped a finger against the "f" button on his keyboard, a short row forming in the word document. He pressed down the delete button and watched as they all disappeared. It was Wednesday afternoon. He had talked to Kate a couple of times since he had confronted her in her office the Friday before but he was trying to give her the space she had asked for. So, now, five days later, he was sitting bored in his office, fidgeting for something to do.

He tapped on the "f" key again, another short row showing up. He should be writing. He should be halfway finished with his latest novel by now, the second Jade Knight book. Instead, he was finished with one chapter. He let out a puff of air and finally sighed, picking up his phone, dialing her number.

He listened as it rang, opening lines streaming through his mind. 'Just wanted to say hi' 'how are you doing' 'tortured any co-eds lately'. It went to voicemail and he hung up.

He looked at the phone again. He should have left a message.

He sighed again, dropping the phone back down the desk before pushing himself out of his chair. He walked around his desk, to pace his office, his arms stretching over his head. He needed to do something. He needed to get out.

He needed to know.

Castle sighed again, shaking his head. No, it was a bad idea. A bad idea he had been pushing down for months.

Nothing good will come of this. The voice in the back of his mind scolded.

He puffed out his cheeks, his tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth. He tapped his hand against his sweatpants clad leg a couple of times before he reached for his phone again, dialing a number from a scrap of paper on his desk.

He held his breath and forced himself to look away from the postcard-covered map on his office wall as the phone rang in his ear.

"Esposito." The voice on the other end of the line answered after five rings.

"Detective Esposito, it's Rick Castle… yeah, man, I'm doing great. Look, I have a favor. I was wondering if I could get a peek at an old case file… yeah, I know, but I would owe you one, a big one. Yes, I could probably get Rangers tickets for you…. Thanks man. Yeah, it's a cold case from about thirteen years ago, the murders of a convict named Joe Pulgatti and a civil rights attorney named Joseph Anderson…"

Castle placed the phone back on his desk and stared at it for a moment before his eyes flickered back up to the map on the wall. Johanna's words from months before echoed through his head.

You didn't see the level of terror in her eyes. It was like she just knew that something bad was going to happen… Some secrets are meant to be kept; I think this is one of them.

He forced his eyes away.

"Forgive me, Kate," he said softly. "But I have to know."