Remus left for his Order mission today. He gave me a light kiss on my cheek, and apparated away into the darkness. At night, I walked past Remus's bedroom to my own cold lonely bedroom.

I toss and turn in my bed. My heart is pounding wildly and my sheets are twisted, trapping my legs underneath me. I had forgotten the excitement of love. I feel as though I am racing through life. I cannot wait for the next moment when I can see Remus again. My heart pounds with just the thought of him.

I cannot sleep. I am in love. It feels as though I can't wait to see him next. I remember all those mornings where I spent a ridiculous amount of time in front of the mirror attempting to shape my hair back into luxury and to make my face less sunken and more handsome. I was afraid (and still am afraid) that I am fighting a losing battle. At worst, I resemble a particularly well preserved Inferi. At best, I am a faded version of my younger self.

And for the first time since Azkanan, I eagerly anticipate my life. The things we'll do...

I wonder if this is what Lily and James felt when they were in love.

I wonder what would happen if only James survived. Or only Lily survived. What would they do? Raise Harry of course, I suppose. But would they find another lover?

I can't imagine James finding another lover, but I know he would've wanted Lily to move on if he died. He said so himself to her.

What if Remus died? My brain instantly rebels. No, no, no, no, no. Don't even think about it while he's on a mission, I tell myself. Don't want to make it come true.

What if I died? How would Remus feel?

I sigh. Thoughts in this house always turn to death. Mother certainly wasted away after Father died. I do believe it was the lack of someone to fight with that ultimately killed her. Or the disappointment that she wasn't the one to finish him off.

I feel a surge of anger run through my body. If I died, I would break this fucking curse that this house puts on everyone. If I die, Remus will love again, will live life to the fullest. (But maybe not love them as much as he loved me, I add selfishly.) But still, I would want Remus to be happy. Remus would not drown in sadness. If I had to fucking come back and haunt him for it, I would make sure he moves on.

I check the time. Two am in the morning. I feel wide awake.

Suddenly I decide. Fuck sleep, I think as I swing my legs over the side of the bed. I tiptoe downstairs to fix myself a midnight snack.

I don't expect to see Molly Weasley sitting at the table; her shoulders shake as if she were crying. I tiptoe closer. She is crying. Her face is blotchy and red.

"Hello Sirius," she says looking down at the table. "I know you are there, you know."

"Hullo Molly," I say. "What are you doing up at this time of night? You all right?" I sit down on the chair next to her. I had been carefully polite to Molly ever since my fight with her and especially since she had discovered me and Remus.

"Couldn't sleep," she says. "What about you?"

"Yeah, same" I say. "You all right?" I repeat.

She sighs and her shoulders cave in. "It's the war."

"Has anyone died?" I ask suddenly concerned. Remus? My brain panics. "Is everyone okay?"

"Yes, yes! Everyone, to my knowledge at least, is alright." She pauses. "That's not it."

"Oh," I respond. There is silence at the table. I am shit at comforting people. I wish Remus were here.

"I have dreams," Molly finally says. "Bad dreams. Of everyone dying." Her voice breaks into a sob.

"Oh, Molly," I say, trying to sound comforting. What would Remus say if he were here? "We're alright now. Here, have a tissue." I put an arm around her shoulder and conjure up a handkerchief. It is purple with yellow dots, but it will do.

"Thanks, Sirius," she wipes her eyes. She bites her lip. "I just keep having dreams of Arthur dead, Bill dead, Charlie dead, the twins dead, Ron and Ginny dead, Harry dead." She starts to sob again. I feel my heart constrict. Harry dead. I hope I never hear those words. As long as I live, Harry will never die. I won't let James down again. I pat Molly's back in what I hope is a comforting manner.

"Did you talk to Arthur about it?" I ask after she has collected herself.

"I don't want him to think I'm silly. I know he's worried about it too."

"It's not silly, Molly. We're all worried; I can tell you that," I pause. "That's why I couldn't sleep." I turn to her. Maybe she can help me. "You got married to Arthur when Voldemort first was rising." She cringes at the mention of the name Voldemort. "Weren't you worried about him dying? When you had just fallen in love and gotten married?"

Molly turns to look at me and smiles through her tears. "Oh Sirius, are you worried about Remus? You are surprisingly sweet sometimes." I blush.

"I was also thinking about what happen if I die." I say looking away from her teary face down at the table. "I want Remus to be alright. I would die for him, you know. In a heartbeat. And Harry too, of course."

Molly smiles sadly. "We would all die for Harry, wouldn't we. He's such a sweet boy. I often worry what would happen to my children if Arthur and I die."

I laugh. "Don't be silly, Molly. We would take care of them, protect them. To the best of our abilities. They'd be well taken care of."

She smiles gratefully at me. I smile back, but my brain is still concerned with Remus.

"Molly?" I begin hesitantly. "If I die..." I trail off. I want to get the words just right. "I know you will look after Harry; everyone will. But, will you look after Remus for me? Make sure he's eating, doesn't get too beat up after the full moon, make sure he has money?" I take a deep breath. "I'm leaving everything to Harry, of course. The Black family money is cursed so that werewolves or Muggles can't get a hold of it, but I want Remus to take the galleons I've hidden in the safe in my room. There's a good amount in there. Should last him for at least a year or two. Maybe more. I'm pretty sure that's the only money that won't be cursed if he takes it."

She looks at me with fresh tears in her eyes. "Of course I'll take care of Remus, Sirius. Remus is a friend."

I take a deep breath and look into her eyes. They are brown, which reminds me of Remus's eyes (though they are no where near as pretty as his eyes which are simply captivating). This is the hardest thing to say. "And will you make sure Remus moves on?" My voice breaks at the end.

"Moves on?" Molly asks. She tilts her head as if she does not understand.

"Make sure he finds someone else to love. Someone else to be happy with. Preferably a woman." I pause and leave my unspoken words in the silence: because I don't want to be replaced by another man. I am such a selfish bastard sometimes. "I know he doesn't think he deserves love, but he does. He can start a family. Be happy. Can you convince him of that? And make sure he is happy? If I'm ever gone?" To my embarrassment, my eyes are full of tears that escape my eyes and drop traitorously down my face. I wipe them off angrily with my sleeve. What is wrong with me these days? Crying at every bloody moment.

Molly puts a comforting hand on my arm. "I'll do my best," she says. Suddenly, tears are streaming down my face. I can't stop them. I don't know if I am crying for Remus or crying for myself.

"Oh, Sirius," she says softly. "I promise. He'll be happy."

I put my head down on the table and she stands up to make some tea. We sit silently at the kitchen table with dry faces and wet handkerchiefs and drink tea until the sunrise. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

And in those few hours, I have tremendous respect for Molly Weasley. I didn't know of a person so brave, who could love so much and has everything to lose and yet can take on more grief, and more suffering; who can take this pain away from others and not take it out on others. I wonder how she gets up every morning with a smile on her face. Sometimes I think that she is much braver than I'll ever be.

No wonder she was sorted into Gryffindor.