Lily

Lily breathed deeply in an attempt to and stared at the common room door. Unfortunately, it was not a normal muggle door, so the Fat Lady in the picture sighed in annoyance and said "Well, are you going to give me the password or not?" It was loud enough for James to hear in the deserted common room, so as just as Lily was about to utter the password the door swung open to reveal a shy smile and a mop of black hair – carefully smoothed flat.

"Hey," he said nervously, holding the door open politely for her. He followed her over to her favourite studying spot and stood awkwardly as she sat down and got out her books, expecting a non-practical lesson as Sirius had moved on to Transfigurational theory. But she had assumed wrongly; James pulled out his wand and with a flick, moved all of the furniture to the edge of the room.

"I thought we could do a practical lesson. On reptiles," he said, looking pleased that he had remembered. "Non-verbal," he added.

Lily considered him for a moment, and then smiled while drawing her own wand. "Good idea." He looked relieved and began to teach.

Half an hour into the lesson, and Lily could sense that something was amiss with James. Her thoughts kept returning to the same thread, following it with an unusual intensity and distracting her from her spell casting. He was being so nice to her, so kind and patient and modest. And he wasn't pestering her as he would usually which disconcerted Lily the most. Finally, she decided to just ask him.

"Why aren't you asking me out?" she blurted out, feeling confused and somewhat rejected by this lack of attention from James. He stopped dead in mid-explanation and looked at her in alarm, his eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Well-well-I mean, d'you want me to?" He spluttered when he found his voice, sounding almost panicky.

"No!" said Lily automatically, feeling embarrassed and even more so when he flushed and dropped his eyes to the floor. "I mean, no, but why?"

"Well... I just thought that you could use a break. I know that I'm annoying sometimes and, well, Sirius said you were quite upset after our last lesson. He gave me a right old bollocking," he half-smiled and caught her eye. Lily's thoughts flashed distractedly to Sirius, wondering what he had said to James to make him be this nice to her.

"I never meant to, you know," he said. "Upset you, I mean." Lily stared at him, unsure of what to say. He broke eye contact again and focussed on his shoe, fidgeting uncomfortably.

"Well... I never meant to make you feel...rejected. Like you were annoying me," said Lily, feeling inexplicably shameful of herself. "...You kind of were, but that wasn't the reason why I said no."

There was a pregnant pause, and then James asked quietly, "Then what was it?"

Lily weighed her options carefully in her head, and then cast away the result regardless of the consequences. She slumped down on an armchair behind her and motioned for James to do the same. He perched gingerly on the edge of a stool and leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs.

"It was just the fact that you thought you were better sometimes."

"Than...Snape?"

"Mostly. I just felt that it was all a big show. You weren't real, and we would never be good enough for you."

"I wasn't real? What part of me wasn't real enough?" He sounded almost irritated, so Lily responded with more aggression than she would have liked.

"Putting on a massive show for every girl that walked past, high-fiving your friends when you failed tests, ruffling up your bloody hair, and taunting people in front of an audience just to make yourself look good!" James was stunned into silence for a moment. "If I was such an idiot then why did you think you weren't good enough for me?"

"Well, let's face it, if we'd been going out then everyone would have expected me to be some ditzy air-head!"

"Well, now that we're head boy and girl we should be the perfect match," he said sarcastically. Lily smiled back, matching his sarcasm, and rose to leave, swinging her bag over her shoulder. James reached to catch her hand but snatched it back at the last second.

"Sorry, I didn't mean that!" he pleaded and Lily paused to listen, against her better judgment. "I just don't know how to act around you. It's never been the fact that you're not good enough for me."

Lily turned around, furious with herself when she felt a lump forming in her throat. "Then what is it? To be honest I don't know when we ended hating each other-"

"I never hated you," James corrected her. "And it was mostly 'cause I hexed Sniv-...Severus... on the first day." He smirked at the memory.

"Well, we have to be loyal to our friends," Lily said icily.

"Was that why it was always a no?" James asked desperately, his brown eyes meeting her green. She wondered why she'd never noticed the colour. Dark and rich on the outside, but streaked with a golden swirl within.

"Loyalty? Yes," she said softly. "It became a habit." James stood up and stepped closer to her. Her heart jumped to her throat, and despite herself, she had to catch her breath. Without intending to, she said, "It wasn't something I stopped to think twice about."

James smiled, daring to look hopeful. "Care to tell me what would've happened if you had thought twice?"

Lily shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I never did." There was a long silence while they studied each other, both trying to understand the last few minutes.

Lily broke it. "Why me? You never gave up; never wanted anyone else. Why?"

James just looked at her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because I liked you. A lot. And I still do, Lily. You were the most beautiful, clever, kind person in the whole of Hogwarts and every time you were near I ended up making a right tit out of myself and pushing you away even further."

"So out of the whole school of girls, I was the only one you ever noticed?"

"You were the only one I've ever actually liked," said James, and Lily snorted in disbelief.

"Of course."

"I'm serious! I'm actually, honest-to-God not even joking! I can't believe that I'm actually telling you all of this and you think that I'm lying!"

Lily backtracked. "I don't think you're lying-"

"Well, then you're laughing at me for telling you the truth about how I feel, which is even worse!" Lily looked in surprise at his pained expression. "Lily, for these last seven years, you have been the one constant person that I look out for every single day. I can't help it. I know you hate me and that I really annoy me and I try not to, I really do."

"I don't hate you James!" said Lily, feeling choked up at his confession. "I bet you're a nice guy really, but... I've just rarely seen this side of you."

James sat back down heavily, looking utterly miserable. Lily joined him and clasped one of his hands spontaneously between hers. They sat like that as the minutes ticked by.

"This is the last time I'll ever ask you. I promise," said James quietly, startling Lily out over her reverie. "I just want to know if it's ever going to happen. I've waited so many years, hoping... But if you can't see this happening then I promise I will leave you alone. I just need to know... would you go out with me?"

Lily stared at him, her mind absolutely blank. Just then, Sirius sung through the Common room door and lolloped over to them, chucking his bag on the table and breaking the contact between Lily and James. Lily's hands fell uselessly to her sides.

"Hey guys!" said Sirius cheerfully, oblivious to the tension in the room. "Potions next! C'mon James! You're going to Defence Against the Dark Arts next, right lily?"

Lily responded distractedly, her eyes on James. "Yeah, cool. Let's go." She desperately tried to make eye contact with James, to see what he was thinking, but he avoided her eyes on purpose - the corners of his mouth turned down painfully and his shoulders hunched in defeat. Lily felt completely torn as he turned away. Conflicting emotions rose in her; they struggled against each other, each as powerful as the next. She felt a primal panic constricting around her heart. The pressure to make a decision made her even more indecisive, so she dithered uselessly. He walked quickly over to the door without saying a word. Sirius threw a concerned glance at Lily, but she didn't bother returning it as her feet were suddenly whisking her body away from him and after James, who was climbing out of the Common Room entrance.

"James! Hey!"

He turned to look at her as Sirius jogged up behind them; it seemed to cost all the effort he had. Lily bit her lip, pushing herself to take this leap of faith, and then thought, Oh, what the hell!

"So I'm meeting you in the Entrance Hall, right? For Hogsmeade next week?"

James' face split into a delighted grin and he even laughed out loud. "Yeah. That would be...amazing."

Lily smiled one last time at James, and then shrugged off the doorframes and walked along the corridor for her next lesson. She felt as if she could reach the sky, with the combined relief of making a decision and giddiness of her daring.

She was so elated that she didn't notice the stony expression on Sirius' face as she walked off.