CHAPTER SEVENTEEN- HATE, HATE AND MORE HATE
Hey there, I'm sorry that I didn't leave any author's notes on the last two chapters and I'm so sorry if I don't respond to any of your reviews or PM-ings soon, because I'm using a USB to transport my chapters to other computers that are available to me, so this is getting kind of tricky and I'm really sorry about the wait on things and all the stories on my favourites and my favourite authors I haven't been able to read your latest chapters or stories because, obviously, my connection is shit. Alright, that's enough of my sob story, and here is my REAL story…
"Rose!"
We all turned to see my mother striding quickly towards me. I ran to her and took her shoulders somewhat roughly. "Are you alright? Is Lord Szelsky okay? You didn't get attacked did you? Where is the other guardian? Is everything –?"
"Rose." She cut me off sharply, but I could see that she was amused. I stopped talking and looked at her with wide eyes.
"I'm fine, everything's fine, no one is hurt," she rolled her eyes. "You'd think our positions were reversed; you're acting like my mother instead of me being yours," she smiled, or, well, as close as Janine Hathaway can get to a real genuinely happy smile. Sometimes, I think she's forgotten how.
Now that I knew everything was okay, I felt embarrassed and stupid for making such a scene. "Well…that's good, that's good, well…um…yeah," I said uncomfortably, and then I spotted Alexander watching our encounter carefully. "Hey, this is Guardian Contrive, and this is my mother, Guardian Hathaway, of course," I waved listlessly at the air between them and they shook hands fondly.
"It's good to see you so well, Alexander," Janine said and she gave a small smile- never a full smile, obviously, she was too serious for that type of business.
"You as well, Janine, how've you been these past – what? Two years?" Alexander grinned.
Now I was confused, I seemed to be feeling like that a lot lately. "You know each other?" I said, not hiding my surprise very well.
Alexander was amused. "Yes, Rose, your mother and I went to school together and we saw each other again, not too long ago, so it's good to see her again,"
"Yes, Rose, I know Alexander," was my mother' curt reply.
"Oh, okay, that's, um…interesting." I said, but what I thought was, wow, talk about polar opposites! How can they be friends?
The two of them were both looking at me expectantly, but Alexander looked much more kind than Janine's demanding stare.
"Did you say something?"
"I said that you have some explaining to do," she had her hands on her hips and her red hair was clipped back like the short regal guardian she was.
I hung my head in despair and defeat; I knew I would have to go through this little interrogation sometime. I sighed.
"Yeah, I guess I do,"
*****
We were sitting in my room at the Court and mom was sitting across from where I was on the luxurious bed and Alexander sat on the couch beside the bed. It gave me some comfort in having him here with me.
"Explain," Janine ordered.
I sighed again and leaned my head back against the pillows, closing my eyes. "Well, you know how I'm shadow kissed, right?" I started and kept going, not bothering to see if she nodded or was about to respond. "Yeah, well, I can do this thing now where I can go into the World of the Dead; it's actually pretty creepy, hence the 'dead' part. So it's like standing in total darkness with misty ghosts whispering in your ears, so I hope you understand what I mean by 'creepy'. Well, seeing as I can do this, something happened to me, while I was reading –"
Mom cut me off. "You read?" she sounded incredulous. Thanks mom, I thought bitterly.
"Yes, I read," I opened my eyes to roll them then closed them again and continued. "Anyway, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, I was pulled into the World of the Dead, seeing as it isn't the greatest place to be, I wouldn't go there purposely. So I had this vision, of you; in this vision, you were surrounded by five or six Strigoi and you were in front of Lord Szelsky. The Strigoi were telling you to move, but you didn't, and he advanced on you so you matched it. Then another came up behind you and broke your neck." I stated bluntly. "That is why I sent you that e-mail, because you are my mother and I'm such a wonderful daughter I would care about your well being and I wouldn't want to wake to the news of my only family member being dead. So that's it, how do you feel?" no one said anything so I said, "This is the part where you say, 'wow, Rose, you are just an ANGEL! I'm in your dept forever and you are just the perfect and splendid daughter I ALWAYS knew you would be!'" I deadpanned and opened my eyes slightly to see my mother looking so surprised I had to laugh. "You know, it's okay, I know how you feel deep down, you don't need to say it out loud…we just have that type of bond, right?" I chocked on a laugh and it came out straggled, which was also pretty funny, but, you know, I was making myself laugh, so I didn't actually laugh at the funny stuff that was really funny.
"Well…that was a…move that I am…complying to, but we don't know if that would really happen, how do we know that you've not imagined it?" she slipped back into her usually cool guardian-self, which pissed me off some, but not as much as it used to.
"It's really great that you are so thankful, but you know what? I'm sure that it wasn't a dream or just my imagination because I don't dream about my mother being murdered, you know, if that means anything to you, feel free to comment." I rolled my eyes and leaned my head back against the pillows again and sighed.
"Alright, Rose, cut the attitude and explain," she ordered.
I sighed again. "Well, I had a vision of –"
"I know that, you just went through that and you know it; explain why you are in Siberia and explain why you dropped out of the academy." She snapped furiously.
"You dropped out of your academy?" Alexander broke in.
"To find him," I defended myself. "There is no way I would have left for no reason!"
"Who is 'him'?" mom asked.
"A good friend of mine," I fibbed…he was more than just a good friend.
"Rose, who is he?" she practically shouted.
"Dimitri! Alright? It's Dimitri!" I yelled and stormed out of the room with hot tears in my eyes. I hear my mother come after me and vaguely acknowledge that Alexander is following.
"Belikov? Why are you trying to find him? He's dead," the way she said his name made me snap, she said it with distain.
I spun to meet her. "What is wrong with you?" I shout, my tornado is furious; it could rip up an entire country. "Don't you have any respect? What happened isn't his fault! You know that and yet here you are tossing his name around like it is MEANINGLESS! How could you?"
I don't even wait for her reply, I just run down the hall and out the door.
****
"Fuck!" I scream and I put as much strength into a kick as I could and booted a fairly good size rock over the edge of the cliff. It was night now and the sky was gorgeous, the moon lit up and defined the sharp edges in the ground and rocks, making the leaves a glowing green. The willow old tree that was to my right, beckoned to me in the angry wind; I imagined what the wind would be like if it were feeling all that I was feeling. The Court certainly wouldn't be here for more than ten minutes – tops. An inner voice said and I smiled dryly as the wind whipped up my hair and threw it around my face like a hurricane…I wished I could be a storm, I thought. Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit. That would be nice, says a pleasant voice in my head. I could go over the sea, knowing no boundaries at all, just living the way I wanted to. Causing waves and whirlpools where ever I liked and enjoying playing in the wind. Tossing and turning, being weightless and not having to worry about anything at all. I really would like that…
But you can't have it, Rose, the sky doesn't even want a fuck-up like you, it would throw you down into the waves and laugh as you drowned. The vicious voice sneered at me in a cruel but persuasive way, making me believe that it was true.
I moved towards the edge of the cliff, only inches away, staring down at the jagged rocks and the violent waves that were crashing against them, splashing up against the steep and hard slope of the was a very intimidating sight, I'll give it that. But I bet that I could be worse, and half of the time now, I am.
As I'm looking down, I can see that my breath is coming in short angry puffs. I hated that my mother could be so heartless and rude. I hated how Lissa and everyone else had it so easy. I hated how Strigoi were such assholes. I hated that no one had to deal with any of the shit that I was dealing with. I hated how I couldn't just drop everything and go over the edge. I hated how I felt bound to Lissa and Dimitri! I just hated EVERYTHING!
"Rose! Is that you?"
A voice called out from behind me and I shifted into a defensive stance and moved away from the cliff's edge. I saw that it was Christian.
I slowly moved out of the stance and faced him squarely, but not meeting his eyes for long. I was sure he could see the tears in them; I bet that you could see them from miles away…and just seeing Christian brought me more tears.
"Oh my God," he mumbled and suddenly I was captured in Christian's warm, tight and brotherly arms. "You're back!" he squeezes me tightly, but I don't hug him back. I need to stay detached from them, I couldn't risk getting close.
"No, I'm not," I whispered, staring over his shoulder at nothing.
"What do you mean?" he said anxiously as he pulled away from me. A cold wind blew between us, reminding me of how far I really was from my old life.
"You're here, Rose, you've got to stay!" he exclaimed and it reminded me of a little boy who'd lost his mom in the grocery store. Under any other circumstances, it would have been really funny; I would have fallen down laughing.
Seeing Christian made me mad and sad, so I controlled myself and pulled away so we were no longer touching—the wind seemed so much colder.
"I'm not staying; I'm only here because of…a little issue…" I said slowly.
He searched my eyes for a few long minutes. "When are you leaving?" he asked brokenly and I felt so ripped up inside. How can you do this to me! I scream inside, but outside I'm like a viciously cold wave of sea water.
"In about a week,"
Christian's face fell and I put my hands in my pockets, resisting the urge to comfort him in some way. Christian and I antagonized each other all the time…or, well, at least we used to…but know that I looked into his eyes I saw that he really cared for me, the way I did for him—as a sibling. I wanted so badly to put my arms around him like a good older sister and tell him that everything was going to be okay and that he didn't need to worry about me because I was so tough. But instead…I just stood there and made myself as hard as I could, but not bitchy…guardian-like.
"It has to be this way…at least for now," I said and he looked at me confused for a moment before saying, "If you're going to be here for a week, you're going to have to see Lissa."
****
Now, I was sitting across from Lissa, Eddie (he'd gotten assigned to Lissa at graduation, it was unavoidable), Christian and Adrian at a table in front of a little café.
I had another coffee, Christian, Lissa and Eddie all had hot chocolate and Adrian had a travel mug of his own—probably filled with vodka or some other type of alcohol.
Lissa was wearing jeans and a nice light pink sweater; it was subtle and fitting for a Moroi as great as her. Eddie was wearing dark blue, but faded at the knees and but and a green hoodie. Christian, now that I took the time to notice what he was wearing; had on black slacks and a midnight blue sweater which made him look very handsome with his disarray of jet black hair. Adrian was wearing khakis, a good look for him, and a black dress shirt that was un-buttoned down four buttons, only hinting what might be under that shirt. I gave a small smile as I looked down at the table, this crew could always make me laugh.
"I thought you didn't like coffee, Rose," Lissa comments, nodding to the cup I was holding with both hands. She was trying to make a conversation and I appreciate her efforts but I just shrug.
"Why were you smiling a moment ago?" she says. She really wants to ask me why I'm wearing jeans and a black long sleeve when it's warm outside, even for the Moroi. And she wants to ask me what happened to my face, she wants to know where I was, she wants to know everything.
"You're funny," I say truthfully.
And she's confused. "Why?"
"Just…you guys are funny, that's all," I gave her a look to show her that I meant it and through the bond the thought, Rose has changed a lot comes through and I just look at her for a moment and she blushes realizing that I can hear her thoughts.
"I'll block you out, if you want me to," I say quietly and I look down at the steam that's coming up from my cup.
A hand covers my own.
I wince.
I don't look up, but I know I hurt her through the bond, she felt me flinch. I block out the bond completely and just focus on keeping my cool.
"Rose…"
"Yes?" I said politely, looking up.
"I like your hair," Adrian says suddenly and we all turn to see him studying my hair like a new species that could cure cancer.
"Excuse me?" I'm so polite and I'm very proud of myself for being so.
"I like your hair," he repeats and looks into my eyes. I can tell just by what's in his eyes that he likes a lot more about me than my hair. There's a pause and I remember my last e-mail to him.
"Did you get my message? How come you haven't done it?" I ask and I look at him intently.
Now he looks so confused and worried, which of course tears me up some more. "I've tried, Rose, but I can't get in. I only get a few brief flashes of what's going on your head…are you alright?"
"Oh," I pause. "I'm perfect," I say a little too cheerily and then I go serious again. "What have you seen?" I'd been having nightmares of Dimitri…all of Dimitri though. And they were scary, especially the one where it was me and him in the forest, holding hands, so glad that we'd just been together completely in that little cabin. Then Dimitri turned to me and smiled so coldly, it chilled me right to the bone. "Roza, how would you like to live forever?" he asks.
"What?" I stopped short and stared at him in shock, he hadn't just said what I thought he said. "What do you mean?"
"Well, Rose, you know what I mean, do you want to live forever?" he repeated.
Then his face started to morph…into the bloodless face of a Strigoi. With the red eyes and—
STOP!
I scream at myself and I look up frantically for someone to save me from this terrible nightmare. They're all just staring at me expectantly and they don't do anything. I'm sucked back into it…
"We can live forever, Roza…just you and me. Doesn't that sound nice?" his voice had lost its sexy Russian accent and it was just hissing now, like a snake.
I rip my hand away and stumble over a branch and onto the ground, looking up at him and I'm terrified. "Get away from me!" I scream and shake my hair out of my face.
"Roza…it's forever," he smiles cruelly because he knows that I won't turn by choice and he knows that I won't stop screaming until I'm unable to, he knows that I'm helpless and he knows that he can make me suffer.
"Why?" my voice cracks and tears well up in my eyes and spill over the edge. "Why!" I sob over and over. Dimitri just slowly knelt in front of me and whispered, "Well, Rose, it's just you because…well, because everyone could do so much better WITHOUT you. You wouldn't BELIEVE what LISSA said about you…" he sneered and I screamed and screamed and screamed until I had no voice and I was just left with his laughter in the darkness, as so many times before…but I never moved, I just crumpled onto the invisible floor and listened to his horrific laughter… 'Rose! Rose! Rose! Rose!' it jeered over and over again and I just sobbed on the floor and wondered how something as pure and good as Dimitri could go so bad.
"Rose!"
Somebody was holding me up and I looked around, from side to side, just as I did every single morning. Except this time, I wasn't at the Academy, I wasn't in my room…I was at the Royal Court with Adrian holding me and Lissa on my other side.
"Shit!" I swore and it was obvious that they both heard me. "I've, uh, got to go outside, got any smokes, Adrian?" I said impulsively and they all gave me a strange look. "You know what? It's okay…I've…yeah, I got to go. Have a nice day," I stood up and the world spun around me and I willed it straight, but in doing so, I knocked over my coffee cup.
"Shit!" I cursed again. I fumbled with shaking hands as I tried to pick the cup up; I was only knocking it around more and burning my fingers. "Oh, shit, shit! I'm so sorry! I-I-I didn't mean to, I'm sorry!" I stuttered and looked helplessly at the table. When I glanced up, they were all looking at me so, so strangely. I practically ran over the café counter in a desperate need to get away from them. But I could feel their stares on my back, burning holes right through me.
"Hi!" I said frantically. "Can I have some napkins, we had a spill," I waved over my shoulder without looking at my friends.
"Sure thing, sweetie," the lady smiled at me and I took the handful of napkins and when I turned I saw my mother and Alexander come in. Well, fuck! Can my day get any worse? I thought bitterly as the sight of Janine Hathaway brings up that boiling rage up into my throat. I hold my head so it's turned away from that direction and march back over to our table.
"I'm so sorry, guys, I really am, I didn't mean to," I start as soon as I get within hearing rage. My hands are shaking uncontrollably.
"Rose, you're shaking," Lissa's eyes widened and I clench my hands into fists.
"No, no, I'm not! What are you talking about?" my voice comes out much too frantic to be amused and casual.
"Rose, what's wrong?" Eddie asked slowly.
I shake my head and stare down at the table and I try to put down the napkins with my shaking hands. "N-nothing is wrong with me, nothing at all," my words come out so frantic and I just drop all the napkins in the middle and spread them around. It did nothing to help at all.
A hand comes down over mine. I look at it. It's not tan, so it's not Eddie. It's not Christian's hand because his hands are slightly smaller than mine. This hand is bigger. It's not Lissa's delicate smooth hand either. I see the end of the black dress shirt Adrian is wearing.
His hand is holding mine steady. I look up into his eyes. He is worried, scared, caring, gentle but firm. I felt like a little kid being stared down at by a person who cares and loves me.
Shit, he loves me.
That was about all of my supply of support and strength. My shoulders are sagged and Adrian shifts his grip on my hand so it's like he is holding it, not like he's restraining it.
Adrian looks so much like he wants to say something, but also like he was biting his tongue. His eyes are burning into mine and some emotion is added into that bright emerald green because of something he sees in my eyes. I close my eyes, cutting him off from whatever he was seeing. I had failed miserably in everything that I was aiming for tonight.
Bravo, Rose, that's two fuck-ups in one day! The voice jeered at me. My body convulsed in effort of trying to block everything out. They all saw it and they all gasped.
Then, suddenly, warm arms are around my waist, pulling me, and Alexander's frantic voice is in my ear, whispering frantically, "Rose, I've got you, it's alright, sweetie, I've got you,"
I tried to hold my weight, but Alexander was holding me.
Then Janine Hathaway was standing in front of us.
"Janine, I'm going to take Rose back to her room, please, let us through." Alexander said in a low worried voice.
"Not until she explains what is wrong with her!" my mother exclaimed.
Just the sight of her had raised a livid rage up, but she just knew how to push it. I push off Alexander with the new energy I have and glared down at her.
"Fuck off," I growl.
She looks so taken back and I keep going.
"You think that you can talk to me whatever way you fucking want to? Yeah right! I'm not backing down and you don't scare me. So just…FUCK OFF." My voice went deadly quiet at the end, which only made it that much more menacing.
She looked at me one moment before ripping the bandage off my face and punching me. With her nails of course. Bringing blood back to the cut so it welled up once again. My own mother would hit me intentionally and now I had proof…and witnesses.
"Janine! You are out of line!" Alexander hissed furiously.
I wanted to punch her back so badly but there were strong hands restraining my wrists. I just took a deep breath.
"You've always wanted to do that, have you?" I look at her in total distain. "Oh no! Janine Hathaway's reputation is ruined because she hit her daughter!" I widened my eyes in fake shock and tilt my head to the right. "But you're rep isn't going to get trashed is it? There's only a few witnesses and they're all to afraid of you to say anything." I said, not really surprised at how much venom was dripping off each word.
Her face crumpled. "What have I done?"
"Well…let me think about it…hmm, first of all, you act like Dimitri Belikov doesn't mean shit now that he's Strigoi, then you rip off my bandage and make me bleed…do I need to go into anything else, because that was just today." I was infuriated to a magnitude that no one can fathom.
She glowered at me and rolled her eyes like I was the dumbest person on the planet. "That was not what I meant. I meant 'what have I done by giving birth to you'! You are worse than your good for nothing father!"
Oh my God.
"That's enough!" Alexander snapped. "Both of you!"
Somehow, I found my voice. "I agree," I deadpan. "I've had enough, we are leaving. Tonight." Then I rip out of Alexander's hold and turn to my shocked friends. I bow humbly. "I'm so sorry…for everything…maybe I'll see you around…Princess Dragomir, Prince Ivashkov, Prince Ozera, Guardian Castile; I bid you goodbye…"
I stare at the ground for a moment and when I turn, I am slapped by my mother.
Once, twice, three times. And it's hard.
And I just stand there, with my eyes closed. I hear Lissa gasp each time Janine's hand meets my cheek.
When my mother pulls her hand back, it's covered in my blood, from the wound she re-opened on my face.
"I advise that you not return to Lord Szelsky's house for about a week but…you've never listened to me before, so do it this once. I will not have your blood on my hands." I leave, turning on my heel and walking across to the door, ignoring the stares of everyone else that was there.
I roughly thrust my arms out furiously at the doors and they flew apart as if they were terrified of my wrath.
I wasn't crying.
I wasn't upset.
I wasn't going to brake down.
I wasn't anything but incensed.
Right at that moment…I hated her, I truly hated Janine Hathaway.
*****
I ended up on the cliff again, but this time, with my bag at my side and iPod cranked in both ears. Some people think that it hurts, but nothing compared to the pain vibrating off the marks my mother had just imprinted my skin with…
I take deep breaths and I block everything out, everything but the music.
He said "Son,
Have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say?
If I said you could?
Just carry this gun, you'll even get paid."
I said, "That sounds pretty good."
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked all alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and friends
They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again
A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's a flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
She walked
Through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away
The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood has now soaked
She collapsed
With a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what they see?
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust
He said, "Son,
have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say,
if I said that you could?"
The song drifted to an end and I hung my head silently, looking over the hammering waves. That song was so sad. It was called A Hero Of War by Rise Against. I'd heard it once, in a little café and when I asked the casher what it was, he smiled and said that he was sorry that he didn't know. Then I went to YouTube and looked up some of the lyrics. Then I downloaded it onto my iPod.
I was so, so sad.
And I thought that the lead singer, I forget his name, of Rise Against has a beautiful voice, but others disagree and say that he's rusty and that it would be better if the song was sung by Bono from U2. This is a statement that I totally disagree with because, I hate U2's songs and I hate U2.
A hand came down on my shoulder and I spun around, almost loosing my balance and falling off the cliff. But the person grabbed me and held me close, I pulled out my headphones and backed away to see who it was and just to get out of reach. It was Alexander.
"Hey," I said quietly. Then I saw his shoulder, with my blood on it from my face. I hadn't bothered to clean myself up. I didn't care anymore. "Oh no," I groaned. "Look what I did,"
"It's fine, Rose, I've got other clothes. Are you aright?" as soon as the question was out, I realized how un-right I was.
I looked away and couldn't meet his eyes. "We're leaving tonight, where's your bag?" I avoided the question.
He knew it too. "Rose, I know what your mother did in there, but she didn't mean it, she really didn't…she loves you," he added quietly.
"Oh, she loves me, does she?" I snarl. "She did such a great job in letting me know it!"
"Rose…"
"You know what? It doesn't matter; I've got no family now, alright? It's fine. Now where is your bag, we're leaving." I tried to control my temper, but I was beyond infuriated.
"No, Rose, we're not leaving tonight, we can't, Rose –"
"Stop saying my name so much,"
He looked at me for a second then continued in the same soft voice. "We can't leave right now because there are no planes going to Siberia, right now. But there's one tomorrow," he added jus as quietly.
"Can you make one?"
"What?"
I rolled my eyes annoyed. "Can you make a plane go to Siberia tonight, like, now?"
"No,"
"Why?"
"Because not everything will bend to your will," he snapped. "If you want to leave, we are going to have to do it tomorrow."
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!
"Ugh!"
Alexander ran his hand through his hair and let out a blustery sigh. Then he looked at me for a few moments and then…
He just turned his back and left.
"Ugh!" I roared and made another rock go soaring into the black water below.