. . . . .
Edward met me in the parking lot and carried my bag into school. We still garnered glances from our classmates, even though the initial shock of our relationship had worn off long ago. By now I was used to people staring at us. People stared at us everywhere we went. Especially girls staring at Edward.
The first period bell rang and we filed into English.
The lecture was something about historical references in literature, but I blocked it out. My brain was swirling. I couldn't get the image of Jacob out of my head, or the thoughts I'd fought the whole night before. Surely I was just tired and overwhelmed. School had kept me busy, and I hadn't really had a lot of downtime. And, truthfully, I'd always been attracted to Jacob, as much as I'd tried to hide it. So maybe the stress of everything was getting to me and making me hallucinate.
"You coming?" Edward was standing next to me and the room was clearing.
"Oh. Um, yeah. Sorry." I shook my head and pretended nothing was wrong. Edward glanced at me out of the corner of his eye as we walked to my next class.
"See you at lunch." He leaned over and pecked my cheek. I put my hands up to his face and kissed him full on the mouth. He stood stone-still and I pressed against him harder, frustrated.
"Bella, not now." He pulled away and walked down the hall, leaving me standing in the doorway. I knew he didn't like PDA, and it was far from the first time he'd pushed me away, but it hurt anyway.
. . . . .
Alice and Jasper were the only ones at the lunch table when I got there. I dropped my backpack on the floor and slumped into a chair.
"You aren't eating?" Alice usually flitted around me like a butterfly, but today she was keeping her distance.
"No. I'm not very hungry."
Jasper stared at me like I had sprouted a third eye overnight. I pretended I didn't notice his wide-eyed gaze. He was always weird around me, but he'd been acting extra strangely lately.
Rosalie and Emmett walked into the lunchroom like supermodels, their clothes fitted to their flawless bodies like they'd been tailored for the runway. I never got over the shock of their perfection. Emmett barely said hi; Rosalie smiled at me with unusual warmth.
"How was your evening, Bella?" Her eyes glinted and I could have sworn Alice kicked her under the table.
I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "Oh, fine. I just stayed home." With Jacob. On the couch. Practically begging him to kiss me. I felt the guilt roll off of me in waves.
Edward glided in, saw I hadn't gotten any food and disappeared again, returning with a tray mounded full enough to feed all six of us. I didn't feel like arguing again, so I picked up an apple and gnawed at the skin. It tasted bitter. I put it back down on the tray.
I'd never been so relieved when the bell rang again for sixth period.
. . . . .
After school, Edward drove me to his house. We sat in his room, me on the couch and him on the floor at my feet. I couldn't study.
I sunk down on the floor, dropping myself just in front of him, between his knees. I pulled the book out of his hands and set it next to us. I batted my lashes coyly.
"Study break?"
"Don't you have a lot of homework?" He eyed my pile of books suspiciously.
"Maybe. But who cares?" I tugged playfully at the collar of his shirt. He grabbed at my hands and held them down in front of us. He looked lost. Sad. Confused. He looked like my heart felt.
"I don't think I'm in the mood for this, Bella. Sorry."
I sighed sat there awkwardly, unsure of what to do now. All I wanted was a little kiss. A little reassurance that he was still crazy about me; that I was still crazy about him. That what had happened between us earlier in the day was a fluke.
He seemed to know what I was thinking, and he leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose.
"I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. You weren't asking for much," he smiled at me.
But I was feeling put out and guilty. Somehow I always ended up feeling guilty whenever I tried to tease affection out of him. I knew his standards and his feelings about our physical relationship—and more than that, I knew how hard it was for him to be close to me—we'd had that discussion dozens of times. I really tried to behave. But it still felt like rejection every time, even when I knew better. Even when I knew I was pushing my luck. Besides, couldn't a girl kiss her boyfriend? And what kind of boyfriend didn't want a little physical affection from his girlfriend?
Oh, right. Mine.
I sat back up on the couch and pretended to read, but I couldn't do it. I slowly packed up my backpack and asked him to take me home. "I have a headache," I lied. We both knew it was a lame excuse, I just had to get out of there.
. . . . .
I sat on my bed in the dark. I wasn't sure if I was crying or not. I was too numb. Memories of days with Edward swirled in my head, mixed in with hours I'd spent with Jacob.
I'd made up my mind. Why was I suddenly feeling torn in two directions again? I dug the heels of my hands into my eye sockets and fell over backwards onto the bed, pretending I was dead.
There was a light tap on my window, so light I wasn't sure I had heard it. Before I could move from my position of desperation, it slid open.
"Edward?" I whispered. It had been a while since he'd sneaked in my window.
"No, it's me." Jacob's perfectly white teeth glinted in the moonlight.
I jumped out of bed and put on a pair of pajama pants and discreetly checked to make sure my tee-shirt wasn't too risqué. Then I hugged him and flopped back down, patting the bed next to me. He pushed the window closed and crossed the small room in a single step. He was wearing my favorite outfit—just jean shorts and sneakers. I could see his bare chest reflecting the soft glow of the moon. My night was instantly better.
"I haven't seen you in forever, Swan. Where have you been?" Jake playfully punched my shoulder.
"Just in a bad mood, I guess. Everything's piling up on me."
He tipped his head and leaned closer. "What's going on?" I could hear the concern in his voice even though I couldn't make out his expression.
"I'm not sure. It just feels like nothing is right." I faltered. "I really can't explain it. It's just wrong, whatever 'it' is."
Jacob's arms were around me then, and his hot breath was on my neck. I shivered and sunk down into the embrace.
"Oh, Bells. It's going to be ok." He didn't let go and neither did I.
The next thing I knew, I was sobbing. Full-on gasping, choking, hiccupping sobs. Jake's giant hand patted my back and he cradled me in his arms. I couldn't stop and the sadness and grief poured out of me in torrents. I knew my tears were running down his chest, and I tried not to think about the path they were taking down his defined stomach.
Jeez, Bella. Distraught and caught up in a fantasy about your best friend. I snorted and wiped my nose on my pajama shirt. Jacob loosened his arms and I slid out from his grasp.
"You can tell me, you know."
"I know." I did, but I didn't know what to say. Melancholy washed over me again. "I'm just confused. There's so much to decide."
"Bells, you don't have to make any decisions right now, you know. And he'd better not be telling you otherwise." The bitterness in his voice was impossible for him to mask.
"He's not." I countered, hissing in the dark. "He's not the problem. I am. He's nothing but a gentleman. I'm the one who is taking everything and giving nothing back." The tears started again and I held my breath, willing them to stop.
"That could never be true, Bells. You give and give and give. I've never met someone as giving as you." Jake's hand grabbed mine and he pressed it between his palms. He leaned in close, insistent. "I would never have survived my change without you. Even when I couldn't tell you, I held onto the fact that you'd still love me anyway, no matter who—or what—I was. You're just like that. So don't say anything about not giving back. That's all you know how to do."
I sighed and tipped forward into his broad chest. He held me to him and I started to cry again. How did Jacob always know exactly what I needed?
. . . . .
That night, I dreamed I was in our meadow. Edward was on the other side, just in front of the tree line and I was trying to get to him. He called to me, motioning and pleading. But a weight around my ankles was too heavy to drag. And no matter how hard I pulled and strained, I could never get any closer to him. Any ground I gained multiplied in front of me, and the distance between us was growing.
His voice was getting father away and I could no longer make out the whites of his eyes. I reached for him, but the distance seemed to engulf us both.
I looked down and saw a giant wolf paw wrapped tightly around each ankle.
I woke sweating and terrified, a scream caught in my throat.
. . . . .