. . . . .

Maybe my resolution to end things with Jacob was a good one. I wasn't sure yet.

I had texted him after the Cullen family meeting and asked him to call me.

I didn't want to do it over the phone, but I was afraid to tell him in person that I was basically breaking up with him. Both because of his reaction, and because I didn't trust myself to stand strong if I had to look into his beautiful face and tell him we were through.

And that was exactly what I'd done. Told him simply and plainly that I had chosen Edward and I had to have some separation for all of our sakes. That maybe in the future we could be friends, but not while there were still unresolved feelings.

He hadn't said anything after "hi"; not even at the end of the call, and for that I was grateful and sad. Part of me wanted him to fight for me, to argue and push his case. But I was mostly glad that he'd made it easy for me.

Well, easier at least. Because nothing about this was easy.

I felt like the air had been sucked out of every room. Like a new and bigger hole had been ripped in my chest. Like I was dragging myself from moment to moment, pretending to be ok. And not doing a very good job of it.

I kept waiting for the sadness to disappear, or the deep breath of relief when I realized I'd done the right thing for all of us. But none of that had happened. I tried to tell myself that I needed more time, that the gloom would ebb. Instead, I had the lonely feeling I was just lying to my heart.

Edward was either doing a very good job of ignoring the obvious, or his distraction was honest and complete. Truthfully, he hadn't been around a lot since I'd put my friendship with Jacob on hold. First, a spur-of-the-moment three-day hunting trip. Then, a sunny day kept him from coming to school. The few hours we had spent together were quiet, our attention absorbed by books and homework.

He didn't seem to sense my sadness. Or didn't seem to care.

His distance was growing; I felt like he was backing away. Like I was losing more of him every second.

I pushed back against that fear and instead, I made up my mind that he was doing me a favor by pretending that everything was normal between us. Whatever that meant these days.

. . . . .

We pulled into school and I could barely bring myself to get out of the car. It had been a week since I'd made my declaration to leave Jacob alone, and more than a week since I'd last talked to or seen him. I was sad and lonely, and struggling with my decision.

Edward stood, holding my car door open and watching my internal struggle.

"Are you feeling ok?" He looked concerned.

"Yeah. I'm just tired. I'm really not in the mood for school today."

Edward slammed my car door and was back in the driver's seat before I knew what was happening. "Then let's not go to school today." He smiled slightly, reaching over to lay his icy hand on my thigh.

He started the car and backed it out of the parking spot. I didn't really want to go anywhere either, but it sounded better than going to school.

His car raced along the road and I realized I had no idea where we were.

"Where are we going?"

He just reached over and grabbed my hand. The road sped by, trees blurred. My head tipped against the window and I dozed off, letting the hum or the road and the warmth of the car lull me.

I sensed the car was slowing down, and I blinked out of my half-asleep state. We were entering a town. I looked around, spotted a 'Welcome to Portland' sign.

"Portland?" I was stunned awake. "How long have we been driving?"

Edward smiled and shrugged. "Not that long. You always tell me I drive too fast."

He turned a few corners, obviously with a specific place in mind, and parallel parked perfectly on the first try. He opened my car door and ushered me out with a flourish. I smiled and took his hand. I didn't even care where we were going or what he had planned. I just needed this. I needed a chance to set right my feelings for him.

We walked up to the doors of a building, but I'd been too distracted by the sweetness of walking hand-in-hand with Edward that I hadn't even paid attention. The smell of books was overwhelming and I looked around me. Thousands and thousands of books. Floors of books. I gasped and threw my arms around Edward.

"I knew you'd like it," he grinned. "Get everything you want. My treat."

I walked through the store in a daze, picking up volume after volume, opening pages, smelling used books, reading blurbs, peeking at last pages. I assembled a stack and Edward carried them for me, walking along behind me, watching my every move and smiling at my enthusiasm.

I weeded the pile down to a manageable size despite his protests, settling on a few favorites I didn't yet own and a few new-to-me used books that I hadn't read yet. The young girl at the counter eyed Edward, smiling shyly and making awkward attempts at conversation. He was polite but made no effort to hide that he was only interested in me.

We walked back to the car with his arm around me. It was cold, but it felt good. I'd missed him.

"Thanks for letting me kidnap you today," he said when we were driving back home. "I hadn't seen a lot of you lately and I was missing you."

"I was thinking the same thing." I put my hand on his knee and smiled up at him.

"Bella, I want you to know that I don't mean to crowd you or take you away from… from your other friends." His eyes were glued to the road.

The perfect moment was over. I took in a deep breath. Was this it? Were we finally going to have 'The Talk'?

"I love you. You're the one I've waited for. I would devote my life to you, but only if it's what you truly want. I never want to push myself on you. You have so much life left to live, and I would rather live without you than force you to make a decision that you're not ready to make."

"Edward. I—I don't know what to say. I love you, too. I want to be with you; you know that. I'm just having some kind of personal freak-out. I think it's hitting me that I'll be graduating, that I'll be leaving home. Forever. I'm having a hard time dealing with it all of a sudden. Please understand. I love you."

My words turned into pleas. I didn't know how to stop the hysteria from edging into my voice. "No matter what, I'll always love you. Even if I make mistakes." I could barely manage anything above a whisper, but I knew he heard me. His hands dug into the steering wheel and I could tell he was having to concentrate on not crushing it.

"I love you, too, Bella. I want you to be free to experience everything you need to in order to make the right decision for you. What I'm asking is no small thing. Marriage is a huge commitment. But what you've asked—that I change you—is even bigger. It's irreversible and forever. It will change everything. I couldn't bear it if you ever regretted your decision."

A tear rolled down my face and I grabbed his hand, holding it close to my heart.

We didn't speak for the rest of the drive.

Edward kissed me when he dropped me off. But it felt more like he was saying goodbye than goodnight.

. . . . .