Chapter 11: Fear
Something cool was touching my brow. Wait a minute! I could feel something, meaning I wasn't dead! My skin felt like fire against the coolness of the thing on my head.
I cracked open my eyes and saw the dim light of the room around me. I knew that I was in Kankuro's room,because of the way the room was set up. I looked up and there was Temari, sitting in a chair beside the bed that I was sleeping in. She was looking away, a sad look on her face. What was she thinking about?
"Te-" I whispered, my voice scratchy and hoarse.
She quickly turned to face me, tears in her eyes. "Esther! Thank you god!"
Suddenly, she got up from her chair. She ran over to the door and opened it with such an intensity that I thought she was going to rip it out of its hinges.
"Kankuro!!" She screamed. "She's awake!"
I heard the sound of a small thud, and then the sound of hurried footsteps running down the stair case from the main floor. Soon, Kankuro was in the room, looking over at me, Temari right beside him.
"Ka-" I said, trying to sit up, but Temari pushed me back into the bed gently.
"Dummy!" She cried, shaking her head. "Don't get up. You'll put to much strain on your body. Don't you remember what happened?"
The things Gaara had done to me flooded back, and I remember how mush pain I was in before I passed out. No wonder she didn't want me to get up. I was probably a blob of cuts and bruises.
"Sleep.. how long?" I asked, trying to see why they were so excited for me waking up.
"Well," Kankuro said, running a hand through his hair. "It's been three days, almost four."
"You gave us all a huge scare." Temari suddenly, staring at me with intensely sad eyes. "Gaara just walked into my room, carrying you like a limp doll. He was yelling my name and you were the first thing I saw when I woke up. You were covered in blood and so pale I thought I was in a nightmare. Sucks that it wasn't."
I just looked away, not sure of what to say. I can't believe that after all that happened, Gaara put everyone else through hell as well. If only I had just stayed in bed that night.
"So. Sorry." I managed, starting to cry.
"Don't tell me you're blaming yourself?" Kankuro said, looking at me with an astonished look in his eyes. I nodded as my response. How could I not?
"It's not your fault, it's mine." Kankuro said, looking away. "I put too much trust in Gaara. I was the one who told you that he would have enough sense to stop before he went too far. I feel like such an idiot for lying to you."
"Come on, Kankuro." Temari said, patting her brother on the shoulder. "How were you supposed to know anything of this was going to happen? How were any of us supposed to know?"
"I did know, but only a little bit. I was ignorant. I should have been more watchful." He said, clenching his fist.
"Well," Temari said, putting a hand on her head. "If we keep thinking about the ifs or the what could have happens, it's not going to make anything or anyone any better. We need to all be thinking about ways to make Esther get back to normal as soon as she can. Right?"
"Right." He replied reluctantly. "After I send him to hell and back. Maybe then I'll have a little more peace of mind."
"Kankuro!" Temari said, shooting her brother a look.
"Sorry..." I said again, closing my eyes. Maybe it was better if I had stayed asleep. After I had said sorry again, they fell silent for a few moments.
"I think it's time that we left." Temari said irritably. "She's had enough of us for the moment."
"Sure." Kankuro said, and everything fell silent as I fell asleep once again.
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I heard the sound of someone breathing, breaking my dreamless sleep. Something warm was surrounding my right hand. Who was it? I cracked open my eyes, and all I could see for a few moments was just darkness. Finally, my eyes adjusted and I saw who was holding my hand. It was Gaara.
He was looking away, as if the wall held some undecipherable secret. I coughed slightly, and his eyes diverted to my face immediately. He loosened his grip on my hand and sat there looking at me, his eyes cold and unreadable like usual, but then they changed. The expression he wore now was full of grief and sorrow I swore he was about to cry.
"Does anything hurt? Do you need anything?" He asked quietly, looking at me.
I shook my head, and he just nodded in response. It was silent between us for a few moments, and I just sat there staring at him, unsure of what I was going to say to him, or what he was going to say. Was he even going to say anything? Suddenly, he moved his hand forward, moving it slowly up towards my neck. My body started to tense up out of fear, and I bit my lips, holding back a scream. His hand immediately stopped moving and he got up.
"I should be going." He said, his back towards me.
I want to say something, but I couldn't. The damage was already done. He hurt me and I in turn hurt him. It was like a game of love and hurt, but the bad thing was it felt like there was no game over.
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I woke up and fell back into unconsciousness for almost a week. It was horrible for me just to wake up in the middle of the day and make Temari and Kankuro stop what they were doing to come and take care of me. I apologized a lot, but both of them told me that there was nothing to apologize for. As for Gaara, I never saw him again. Temari said that he was trying to drown his guilt for what he'd done by working all day with Baki, trying to learn as much as he could to be a good Kazekage. I just gulped back my tears when I heard that. I had lost Gaara forever.
One day I awoke and saw Temari standing over me, a jar in her hands. I opened my mouth and let out a small yawn, letting her now that I was awake. She stared at me and gave a small sigh.
"Good morning." she said, putting the jar down for a second.
"Morning." I managed, heaving a heavy cough.
"I wouldn't look down if I were you." She said, looking away. "I was just about to clean your wounds."
Of course I looked. I wish I had listened to her. My body was covered in deep purple bruises and lots of cuts and scrapes. It made me shudder for a moment, which made Temari shake her head.
"Didn't I just tell not to look? You never listen." she sighed, shaking her head. "I was just about to put some slave onto your wounds, but you just happened to wake up. I can come back and do it later, if you want."
"No. It's okay." I said, running a painful hand through my hair.
She shrugged. "Okay. It may hurt, but not as bad as what happened to you beforehand. You still want to go through with it?"
"Yeah." I said, trying to sound brave.
She just looked at me, and muttered something under her breath. She picked up the jar and scooped some of the salve out and started to spread it against my cuts. At first, it just stung a little bit. Then, the cuts grew hot and it hurt so badly, like someone running a hot blade along your skin. I bit my lips, trying to keep in my scream, but I only succeeded for a little while. Soon, I was screaming a high pitched scream that rang throughout the room. Temari kept going for a while, but then she abruptly put the jar back down.
"Sorry." she said, her head down. "I'll just do the rest later when you're asleep."
"It's my fault." I managed, reaching to squeeze her hand lightly.
She just shook her head again, and moved her hand away. She just walked towards the door and opened it without saying goodbye. After she opened the door, she stood still, staring deftly at cat man who was standing directly behind the open doorway, his arms crossed.
"I heard her screaming." He said, tilting his head in my direction. "Is everything alright?"
"Of course everything is alright." His sister said sharply, having reached her breaking point. "I was just bandaging her wounds. Don't tell me that now you don't trust me with her care."
"I do trust you with her care." He said, giving her a look. "If you weren't here, who else could take care of her? She is a woman."
Temari just shook her head, and pushed past her brother with a huff. Kankuro watched her disappear down the hallway, and gave a sigh. He muttered something under his breath, then came over and sat by my bedside.
"You alright?" He asked, putting his hand on my forehead.
"Yeah." I said, closing my eyes. My whole body ached.
"It hurts doesn't it?" he said through pursed lips.
"Yeah." I murmured.
"I'm never letting that monster near you ever again." He growled, putting his hand on top of mine. "I'm going to take care of you and I promise that you will never going to get hurt again. I promised you before, and I intend to keep it."
I was too tired to argue with him. I just fell back asleep, leaving him and his promise for another time.
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I cracked my eyes open, to feel the pain pounding through my head. A wet cloth was laid across my forehead, and the cool water was dripping in little streams down my face. The room was spinning for a moment, and when it finally laid calmly before my eyes I let out a small cough. Something moved in the corner of my eye, and I glanced over there quickly to see Gaara sitting beside my bedside, moving his hand quickly from my side.
"Gaara." I said, my voice coming out hoarse.
"Do you need anything?" He asked, peering into my eyes.
"No. I'm just a little warm." I said, truthfully.
He just nodded, and finally got up from his chair. I knew he was going to leave, but I didn't want him to. Strangely, I didn't feel afraid of him like the time before when he reached over, almost touching my neck. He continued to walk to the door, and only turned around once before he reached the door. He just stared at me, his eyes looking at me, trying to read my expression. With all my energy gone, it was hard to smile or frown for too long, so I just sat there with expressionless. After a few moments, he turned back around and walked out of the room, leaving me in the dark, eerily calm room.
I was so confused. I wanted to be alone at that moment, but I also wanted Gaara to be with me, sitting by bedside, as if he actually cared for me. He always did this to me; he always acted like he still cared for me, then he would just get up and leave and return only if I pleaded with him, like when we were in the field and I almost froze. I loved Gaara, didn't I? I wasn't sure anymore. Could you still love someone after they tired to kill you? Would things ever quite be the same, so innocent and open like when we were sixteen?
I pushed myself up in the bed, the pain pushing through my body, making my heart thump loudly in my chest, being put under a lot of pressure. I just shook my head stubbornly, and continued to sit up in the bed. After a few moments, I pushed myself to pull my legs around and placed them on the cold stone floor. I sat like that for a few moments, then I stood up. My legs started to shake, and it felt like I was made of jelly, not flesh and blood. I tried to find something to hold onto for support, but everything was too far away. I just fell to the floor with a loud thud.
I started to shake and cry, my body convulsing on the cold floor. I was so tired of all this. I never wanted this, I never asked for this. I just wanted to leave this place, and never come back. I wouldn't care if I could back to my college dorm room, and never see Gaara, or anyone else in this world. It felt like ever since I came back, everything was different and less carefree than I remembered. I just wanted to be free from all this stuff that was filling my heart.
I heard the door creak open again, and the sound of Gaara's footsteps. Something dropped to the floor and I heard him come forward, and place his hands on my back.
"Hey, what are you doing?" He whispered, helping me sit up. "You shouldn't be out of bed."
I just stared at him, the tears rolling down my face. He was just staring at me, his hands holding my shoulders. I bit my lips, ands just threw my arms around him, blubbering like a little baby. He just sat there, and he finally put his arms around me lightly.
"What's wrong? Can I do anything to help?" He whispered into my ear.
"I don't know what to do anymore!" I said into his chest, my voice muffled. "I don't want to stay here anymore! I want to go home! Take me home!"
He didn't respond for a second, then he just picked me up in his arms, and carried me out the door. He walked right out of the house and out into the village. He just carried me all the way through the village, until we got to the desert just outside the village. There, he put me down in the sand and just stood there beside me, his arms crossed as he looked out around the desert.
"Look," He said, after a moment.. "You know that I can't take you back home, to the other world. I'll do anything else for you. If you don't want to stay here with Temari, Kankuro, and i, i promise I will take you somewhere where you can live peacefully. This is all up to you. What do yo want, Esther?"
I stared out across the desert, that seemed to stretch forever into the horizon. I didn't really want to leave here. I loved Temari, Kankuro, and Gaara. The problem was, if Gaara didn't love me, there was o reason for me to stay here. That was the only reason that I came into this world.
I dug my hands into the sand, and pushed myself up. I felt like jelly again, but I was finally able to stand up for longer than a moment.
"Don't come near me!" I said coldly, as I heard Gaara step forward. "Stay where you are."
He stopped in his tracks, and everything was silent again. "I guess you've decided." He said after a moment.
"I want to
leave, but you will not help me get there, or now where I will be
moving to. After all, you don't care about me anymore." I said, a
trace of bitterness in my voice.
There. I had finally said it. I
didn't want to really leave, but if Gaara truly didn't love me, I
might as well pack my bags and say good bye everything that had to
deal with the Sand. Still, where would i go?
"I don't know what to say." Gaara said, interrupting my thoughts.
"Really." I said, turning around so that I faced him. He was just staring at me, his arms crossed against his chest. "You, the person with all the answers, has no idea what to say. I don't believe you."
He just stared at me, then threw his arms down to his sides. "Look," he said, dropping his head. "I don't know what to say, because..... I don't want you to leave."
"Really?" I said, trying not to let my real emotions play out. He might just be playing with me. I needed to know more. I needed to know the truth.
"Yes." He said, this time looking up into my eyes. "I want you to stay here in the Sand. I want to see you here, happy and smiling again, with Temari, Kankuro.. and me. The truth is.. I still love you, but I was trying to get over you. It seems I can't no matter what I do."
My heart thumped loudly in my chest. He just stood there his eyes shining in such a way that I knew that he couldn't be lying. Gaara was still my Gaara, even through all of this pain. Oh Boggy Jones!
I let the tears roll down my face as I crumpled to the ground. This was all too much for me to take in one night. I heard him come forward, but I stopped him as I spoke again.
"I told you to stay where you are!" I cried, wiping the tears away hastily.
He just stopped again, heeding my words. I looked up at him, and he was just staring down at me with such a sad look on his face it felt like he was the one who was crying, not me. I pushed myself up, and ran towards him, my feet wanting to stop after each painful step that I took. I wrapped my arms around him and stood like that, the tears falling quietly down my cheeks.
"Oh, Gaara!" I cried. "Don't ever leave me. Promise you'll make me happy again, promise that you'll stay with me forever."
"I promise you." He said, placing his lips on my head.
Luckily, my legs decided to give up at that moment. I started to fall, but Gaara caught me and held me steady.
"You," He said, looking down at me. "Should not have gotten out of bed. We should be going back now. You need your rest."
I just nodded, and he picked me up and carried me all the way back to the house. I felt so dizzy and happy the entire way back. I placed my head in the crook of his neck and just closed my eyes, inhaling his scent. It was the best scent in the entire world.
Once back at house, we silently made our way down to the lower level, because Kankuro was asleep on the couch in the first room beside the door. Down in Kankuro's room, he placed me down on the bed and turned away, as if he was going to leave. I grabbed him lightly on the sleeve, and he turned around to face me.
"Where are you going?" I whispered.
"Back to my room." He said, turning away from me. You need your rest."
"No." I pleaded silently. "Please stay with me."
He just looked at me, then he shrugged. "Fine."
I gave a small smile as he came and sat on the edge of the bed. His hand only an inch away from mine. I had to expect this much from him. He was opening up, little by little. This was a pretty big step for him on his way of learning to love and care. I placed my hand on top of his, and closed my eyes and turned to my side, so that I was facing him. My heart was beating so fast, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep easily, but it was okay. If I could sit like this with Gaara forever, I would be the happiest person in the world of Naruto. After a while, I fell asleep, a smile plastered on my face.
AN: Yay! Finally a happier mood. I felt sooooooo depressed writing Chappie 10, so I decided that Chappie 11 should be a little more on the bright side. Please review!:)