CHAPTER THIRTY - I DON'T DESERVE YOU
I sat on my bed, with my laptop in front of me, iTunes loading. I had to get that song and I would do just about anything to get Dimitri out of my mind. I checked the time, 5:37 in the afternoon for humans. I hadn't gone to bed at all and I'd just thought of buying the song about five minutes ago. I went through all the process of buying 'Monster' by Skillet and then I played it quietly as I got up, walking to my nightstand. I picked up the bag that held the silver chain and slipped the chain out into my hand.
I pulled the ring out of my jean pocket and unhooked the chain, putting it on the chain and then putting the chain around my neck. I leaned over and began to download the song onto my iPod. It was done in no time and I suddenly felt restless, like I had to do something. I picked up the shorts that the Doc had given me on my first day here and a black tank top. I put those on, left my hair down, took my iPod and made my way to the gym. Classes would be starting at nine and Dereck would be coming for practice at eight.
I put 'Monster' on repeat and jogged to the gym, music blasting in my ears, not really caring if I was damaging my hearing. When I got to the gym, I looked around and saw one of the ground-bound punching bags, as I liked to call it. It was a regular punching bag, it just had a plastic bottom filled with water so it didn't fall over when someone hit it. I rolled two of those into the middle of the room about three meters apart. One would be for Dereck, when he came, and the other for me now.
I did a roundhouse kick with my right leg, testing my ribs, they didn't hurt too bad, so I tried my left side. That was okay too, so I started doing rounds. 10 on the right, 10 on the left; 20 right, 20 left ect, all the way up to fifty. Then it got boring so I did the 'machine gun' as Mason had called it before, switching on each kick.
Right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left...
I...I...I fell like a monster!
Skillet blared in my ears and I ignored everything around me but the bag, my kicks, my power and the music. Sometime later when the song ended, I heard someone yelling my name. I turned to see Dereck standing only feet away from me.
"Hey, Dereck," I smiled as I danced forward to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"Hey, Rose," he grinned. "What's on the agenda for today? Unless you're already tired? How long have you been here?"
"What's with all the questions?" I teased. "What time is it?"
"It's about ten to eight," he responded watching me with calculating eyes.
I nodded. "I haven't been here long," I lied and Dereck raised an eyebrow. I brushed it off with a wave and he threw his stuff aside, coming to stand beside me. I pointed to the ground-bounds. "We're just going for power and sharpness today and speed. We're throwing kicks and punches and if I feel like it, we'll have some fun."
Dereck grinned at that and I smirked back. "Okay, let's just start off with roundhouses, try for clean kicks that are fast and have lots of power, alright?" He nodded and looked determinedly at the ground-bound. He got into an offensive stance and kicked; he looked at me and seeing my disapproving stare, he began to kick harder and faster. The problem with that was that he got sloppier.
"Stop," I commanded and he did so. "You're getting messy," I walked over to him and lifted his leg. "Keep your leg back until you're ready to kick, then snap it out and recoil cleanly." I demonstrated slowly with his leg and he nodded. I backed away, leaning against my bag to watch him with crossed arms. He was concentrating on being sharp and quick that his kicks were getting weak. "Stop,"
"What now?" he asked irritably.
"We're going to try a different tacktic," I said, approaching him again. "I'm going to sit on top of the bag and you're going to kick it until you knock me off the top because your kick is so strong, got it?"
"I don't want to hurt you!" he protested.
I snorted and rolled my eyes as I climbed up to the top. "You can't hurt me, Dereck, now kick."
He took a deep breath and finally nodded. Dereck began kicking and they weren't hard enough, I just got into the rthym of the vibrations. "Okay, you need some music," I lightly jumped to the ground and plugged my iPod into the stereo, playing 'Monster'.
"What's this?" he asked interestedly.
"The best song in the whole entire world, I heard it last night," I informed him. "Okay, you need to get into it, don't worry about me and kick!" I encouraged and got back to the top of the bag, crossing my legs. I nodded to the rthym and said, "Go,"
He began kicking harder and as I watched, I saw his tecniquie improve. I smiled and then I broke into a grin when he began kicking to the song.
I...I...feel like a monster!
Dereck kicked on the 'I's so it was: kick...kick...kick, kick, kick, kick. It was pretty cool but as the song neared the end, it was as if Dereck's kicks got more serious and hard core.
I started to sing along quietly. "I...I...feel like a - oh shit!" I yelled as I went flying off of the bag and onto the ground. Dereck had kicked it hard enough to knock me down. I looked up at him and noticed that the bag was falling too; I quickly rolled to the side to it didn't squish me. I hopped up and hugged Dereck happily. "Yeah!" I cheered. "Perfect!"
He smiled then bit his lip. "Did it hurt?"
"Not really, I was just surprised because I wasn't expecting it,"
He messed up my hair and we both looked at the bag. I'd been kicking a lot harder than Dereck and my bag had hardly moved. "We're going to need to fill that with more water," I said and he nodded in agreement. I took his hand and dragged him outside.
"Rose! What are you doing?" he asked as he stumbled along behind me.
I let go of his hand and began to pat around for a hose in the dark. "Look for a hose," I said to him. Dereck got the hint and came down on the ground beside me.
"I found it!" he called suddenly and I looked up to see him about five feet away from me, holding up the end of the hose.
"Good job, when I call to you, turn it on, okay?" I got up and took the hose from him.
"Alright," he nodded and I ran back into the gym, opening up the little hole and sticking the hose in.
"Okay!" I yelled but I didn't hear or feel the water. I lifted the hose out and looked at it, there was no water coming out. "Did you turn the water on?" I called.
"Yeah!" he shouted back.
"Weird," I mumbled and held it pointing towards me, peering in to see if there was something blocking the tube. I couldn't see anything. I walked back outside and pointed to the hose. "What's with this thing?" I asked.
"I don't - oh." he said and kicked a big rock on the ground. It rolled away and suddenly, water spurted out from the hose and into my face.
"Oh!" I exclaimed, dropping the hose at my feet and shaking out my hair. Dereck began laughing and I laughed with him. When we'd finally gotten through that, and filled up the bag, we went back inside.
"Okay, now, what do you want to do?" I asked.
"I don't know..."
"Hmm...okay, well, I guess we could just practice on the bags," I suggested and he nodded and we both began to hit our bags. At some point, we'd both began hitting to the beat of the song. We both stopped and looked at each other as the song ended, we didn't say anything, but we both grinned and began doing the same moves as the song started up again. We were kicking and punching the bags in unison to each other and the song as we rotated the bags. Some novices came in and watched us with amusement, but we ignored them and kept going.
I...I...feel like a monster!
We ended the song with a powerful kick with the opposite legs so both our bags rocked and fell to the ground facing outwards. Some of the novices clapped and cheered while Dereck and I smiled at each other. We rolled the bags away and as I unplugged my iPod, Dereck's crew came up to us.
"Good morning, Guardian Hathaway, how are you?" a soft voice asked and I glanced up to see Julian looking at me with a concerned expression. I stood up and mussed his hair.
"I'm okay, kid, don't worry," I smiled, but apparently when I'd bent over to get my iPod, the ring hand come out from under my tank. Laura, Madison, Jane and Julain looked at me knowingly, but the the guys who weren't there, looked at me in surprise.
"What's that?" Dereck asked, holding the ring in between his thumb and forefinger.
"A gift from an old friend," I said softly as I pressed my lips together tightly. Dereck peered at me questioningly and the others raised their eyebrows. I was determined to brush it off. "It's nothing, I was just caught off guard yesterday...because I hadn't heard from her in such a long time," I fibbed, the lies coming not as easily as they once had. They all still looked doubious but before I could try to defend myself more, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned to see Etienne and Adrian standing there, looking a bit uncomfortable as the novices eyed them suspiciously.
"Hey, Rose," Adrian gave me his famous cocky grin that I had once known before. Now, to me at least, it seemed dried up and fake, there was a seriousness under his act that I couldn't help but notice. Adrian wasn't really bothered by all the people, he was always around people and Etienne didn't really seem to mind much; he was shooting some of the girls charming smiles.
"Hey, Adrian," I leaned in to peck him on the cheek and I felt Dereck tense, which I ignored. "Etienne," I gave him a quick kiss as well; I rocked back on my heels, watching them carefully. "Why are you here?" I asked casually.
"Can't I come see my sister whenever I please?" Etienne feignned being offended.
"Certainly not, your sister has a very important job," I snapped with a quick grin. "Nah, I'm kidding, what's up? Really," I added firmly.
"Well, we really just wanted to see you, Rose," Adrian piped up and my gaze shifted to him. Looking into his eyes I saw that it was true, for him at least.
I rewarded him with a small smile as I said, "That's nice, thanks, but is there anything else?" I prodded, my eyes once again shifting to Etienne. "Is there anything you want to tell me, brother? It's not very nice to keep secrets, especailly from your sibling,"
Etienne's mouth opened to retort but Kevin's voice stopped him. "Wait. You guys are siblings?" he asked incredulously.
"Of course," I answered easily as Etienne responded, "What else would I be?" I also added, "Don't you see any resembalence?"
They studied us for a few long seconds and then Leo finally nodded. "You have the same hair, that's for sure. But, you," he pointed to Etienne. "Have killer eyes, completely unlike Rose's. How are you related?"
A few of the other novices crowded in closer, now curious for some information. "We have the same father," Etienne answered before I could as he put a lazy arm around my shoulders. He turned me, so my back was to Dereck, and faced the other novices. "So I would think twice before you try messing with me, or my sister will beat you up!" he joked ironiclly and everyone laughed, Adrian included, which made me smile a bit. Then that smile vanished very quickly as I remembered my own actions from the other day...with Alex in the car and in the jewelers...
"Rose?" someone was saying and I blinked myself back into the present. "Aren't you going to introduce us to the lovely people here?" it was Adrian, of course.
I sighed and motioned to Leo. "That's Leo Walker," I saw Adrian shoot me a meaningful look and I quickly glanced away, motioning to Kevin next. "This is Kevin Belikov -" I suddenly stopped talking, realizing what this would mean. Telling Adrain about a Belikov and then something caught my hand, holding it firmly, but lightly. I'd also made another mistake, I'd been waving around my right hand, displaying the bandage out for everyone to see. I winced slightly and my eyes, very, very slowly moved up the arm, the torso, the neck and all the way up to meet Adrian's eyes.
"You wouldn't mind sharing something about this..." his voice faded in a conversationaly tone but his eyes were firm but concerned and...loving. That only made me feel more guilty about what I'd done with Alexander even though I'd promised myself to Adrian. I felt like a filthy little slut, like a was cheating on him, even though we weren't really dating or had anything. I don't even think Adrian and I had shared one single kiss.
"Well," I laughed lightly, glancing away from him, unsure of what he was seeing in my aura or my eyes but I really didn't want to take a chance so I deprived him of the chance that he could read one. "You know me...always getting into trouble, so this shouldn't really be that big of a shock to you, obviously," I laughed again and tried to tug my hand away but Adrian held tightly. I looked at him, his eyes were not on mine, but they were lingering around me, studying the air carefully. Aw, shit. I thought as I bit down on my lip. "Adrian, now's not really the -"
"You're guilty." he said in a low voice. "You're guiltly...sad...hurt...worried..."
"Adrian!" I squeaked, my voice rising in alarm. "Adrian!" I glanced around anxiously, the novices were eyeing him strangely.
"...scared..."
"I am afraid of nothing," I snarled at him, jerking my hand back viciously as his words brought fury.
"...in the dark..."
"ADRIAN IVASHKOV!" I shouted in his face. Suddenly, it was as if he was pulled from one of his 'moments' and he blinked at me. Unfortunetly, just because Adrian went a bit loopy, doesn't mean he forgets what happened.
"What have you done to yourself?" he whispered, looking at me with unfathomable emerald eyes.
I heard the novices break out in excited whispered and knew I had to do something to calm this little inconvienence. I laughed loudly. "Shitfaced, are we, or hungover? Adrian, really," I pretended to scold him as I put an arm around his shoulders, stearing him away from the crowd and towards the door. "I'll just take him back to his room," I called over my shoulder to whoever it may have concerned.
I hardly noticed Etienne following at our heels, but right then, I really couldn't care. As soon as we were out of the gym, I started on Adrian. "I cannot believe that you've just did that, Adrian Ivashkov. I really cannot believe you!"
He looked at me apologetically. "It's not like I meant to do it so openly,"
"But you were looking at my aura," my voice was thick with accusation.
"Yeah," he mumbled. "But I knew you were lying so I wanted to figure out why," he feebly tried to defend himself.
"Oh!" I threw my hands up angirly. "Okay, you wanted to figure out why I was lying! Alright, did you ever think that I might be lying for a reason?"
He looked at me steadily. "I really don't think that I deserve to be yelled at right now, especailly about this," he said in a low voice.
"Oh!" I said again. "You don't deserve to be yelled at? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Lord Ivashkov," I swept him a low bow as venom dripped off my words.
"Rose, don't do that," he said quietly.
"Well, I'm really only mad because you're hurting yourself," I snapped. "You probably made everyone in there think that you're totally insane, five bucks says that they are debating whether you're fucked more than me,"
"Rose, don't say that," he said quietly taking a step towards me.
"Well, it's true, isn't it?" I glowered. "Everyone either thinks that I'm fearless and brave or so completely messed up that I have no self-regard whatsoever,"
"That's not true," he protested.
I continued on as if I hadn't heard him. "The tally weighs favourably in the second opinion," I added in an offhanded tone, knowing that I was being spiteful, but I wasn't really in the best mood. I was having a great time, until they'd come to kill my buz. "Couldn't you guys have waited until I'd noticed you? It wouldn't have been that long, class was almost starting so I would have either been helping or leaving."
"Rose." The tone caught me off guard and I stopped talking to stare at him in surprise. "Rose," he said again. "You that none of that is true," his voice softened along with his eyes, for some reason, that scared me. It scared me that he was opening himself up and showing his emotions so easily to me. I stumbled backwards and then tried to gather up my compossure, and not succedding.
"I-I, you know what?" I glanced away from Adrian's confused and hurt look, thinking I should do anything to make this a bit better. "You know what?" I repeated and made an impulsive decision, as always. "I'll show you my hand, then can I leave and we'll forget all about this?"
Etienne, who was standing beside Adrian now, contemplated this but obviously thought it was mostly Adrian's decision, he turned to look at the other boy beside him, with cautious and questioning eyes. Adrian looked at me for a long time then he finally nodded.
I quickly unwound the gauze, wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I flashed them the back of my hand, but before I could make a run for it, Etienne grabbed my wrist and held it as steadily as he could, considering it was shaking like hell. Both him and Adrian sucked in a sharp breath and both their horrified eyes turned to me.
"What-" Etienne began.
"the-" Adrian said.
"FUCK?" they both finished.
I quickly took my hand back. "Well, you know, I've got to go, lots of things to do, professional stuff, you wouldn't believe how bussy I am. I really am sorry, but I have to go, business!" the words came pouring out of my mouth as I rapidly stumbled backwards away from them. I hated the looks the were giving me: horrified, sad, confused, shocked and what hurt me most was the disgust written so plainly over both their features. I stumbled blindly into the gym and everyone turned to stare at me. I began to quickly wrap the gauze back around my hand, approaching Dereck as I did so.
"Hey, um, I'll see you at practice tonight," I shifted uncomfortably, steadily continuing to wrap the gauze. "So...yeah, I'll see you then," I pecked him on the cheek and darted out of the gym like a bat out of hell. I immediately headed back to the guardian dorm and I didn't see that someone was following me there. I quickly ran into the meeting room, the one where Alex and I had shared a fight about my mother and where he'd admitted that he was afraid. I went to one of the doors in the back, barely noticing that it was a tiny little room, like an office. And I didn't even realize Alex was there until he began speaking to me.
"Rose!" he exclaimed, shooting up from the chair he was in. "What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.
I threw myself into his arms and buried my face into his shoulder. "It's not the best day so far," I mumbled.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly as he rubbed slowly circles into my back.
"No-fucking-way," I spat, remembering the looks on my friends' faces. I shook my head, suddenly needing a distraction.
(Some of you may call this 'M' for a rating so don't read it if you don't want to. ;p)
"Can I make you feel better?" there was a seductive tone in his voice that I'd never heard before and I looked at him in shock. He smiled dazzlingly and ran a hand up my back so one was on my cheek and the other on my waist. I smiled, I hadn't experienced this side of Alex and I was becoming more and more sure that I wanted to.
"You can try," I challenged, laying on the charm thickly.
"Hmm...I think I can handle that," he whispered huskily and slowly pushed the door closed as he slowly pressed my back to a wall. I challenged him with my eyes, knowing he could see what I meant and as if in responce, he pressed his lips to mine. I lifted my arms, looping them around his neck, pulling him closer to me; he groaned quietly against my lips and I had to smile. The hand that was on my cheek moved down to caress my neck and collar bone.
"Rose," he whispered thickly as his lips travelled from my mouth to my ear and down my neck. It excited me almost as much as Jesse Zeklos' fangs had a long, long time ago. I knotted my fingers in his hair, pulling him closer to me. His hands ran restlessly over my body and I grinned inwardly. He may be a tough, stone-faced, badass guardian, but he was still a man. I brought his lips back to mine and then the door burst open. Alex and I jumped apart as if we'd burned each other and stared at the person in the door. He looked more shocked than mad, really, or that's what he initailly was.
Slowly, as if taking in the situation, Etienne's face began to get more and more red with anger. I didn't know what to do, so I just stared. I noticed that Alex was trying to shift me behind him, but I wouldn't let that happen. If Etienne wanted a fight, it would be with me.
"Rose, do you mind if I talk with Guardian Contrive alone, please?" his tone was steely and I bit my lip as I looked up at Alex, he nodded encouragingly and I returned my gaze back to my brother and slowly moving towards the door.
"If you lay a single hand on him, you'll regret it," I hissed as I passed my brother. He hardly glanced at me, his eyes were hard blue rocks as they stared down Alex. But, I had to give him credit, the man didn't even look away. I closed the door and walked about five paces from the door, creating the illusion that I had left before I silently crept back and pressed my ear to the door.
"Etienne, is there a problem?" Alex's voice was businessly cool as he asked the question.
"Yeah," my brother answered in a hard voice. "This will not -"
"I don't really think that you have the right to prohibit my relationship with Rose," Alex snapped.
I heard Etienne sigh loudly and it was a few moments before he responded. "If you would let me finish," he grumbled then went on, "I wasn't going to prohibit your relationship. I was going to give you the classic 'talk',"
There was a pause, then Alex asked, "The talk?"
"Yes, the talk. Now, if you ever and I mean ever hurt Rose in any way, I swear, you're ass is mine. Even if you make her shed one single tear, I will fucking rip you apart, do you understand that? You might be the Head Guardian here, but, to me, you are no more than an ordinary guy. I saw the way you looked at Rose and the way she looked at you, I can tell you like her, a lot. But if you hurt her in anyway, you will pay. And let this be said right now, if I ever find out that you had hit her, I won't just beat you up. I will kill you." Etienne's voice was so serious and hard that I put a hand to my mouth to stiffle a gasp. I couldn't believe that he'd just said that. That wasn't the Etienne I knew, that wasn't my Etienne.
"You really think I would do something like that?" Alex's voice was filled with rage.
"I don't know you, but I'm warning you now. I care about Rose and I am not willing to see her more broken up than she is now. I saw what happened with Janine Hathaway at the Royal Court and I know about other things that some friends have told me and I am not willing to take any chances with this. I can't stand to see her so hurt,"
I bit my lip, hard enough to draw blood as I forced myself to keep listening.
"What do you know?" Alex asked in a low voice.
"Things that I'm not sure I want to share with you, if you want to know, ask Rose yourself, I will not prove to be a traitor. She's my sister so I have a right to care, but I'm not going to tell you anything that is strictly her's to tell."
"You don't know her that well, yet you act so protective...as if you've known her for years, as if you grew up protecting her." Alex's voice had calmed now and was easily curious but it was soft and not demanding. He was leaving the choice for Etienne, whether he wished to share his secrets with Alex or not.
"I've had a few rough dealings in the past to know enough about abusive guys...and I saw how she handled the Royal Court. I talked to her afterwards, reading her emotions and expressions was much harder than I thought it'd be. She's so closed and after talking to her friends and becoming part of their group myself, I've heard about Rose's past feats and present problems. I know about lots of things that would have killed a normal person...but Rose isn't normal.
"She's...almost supernatural. Her fighting skills are amazing and after all she's been through, her self control is incredible. She's beautiful, she's witty, she's smart, she's kind, she's strong...everything that makes a perfect person but the things she's seen and done have tainted her. She can be as deadly as the strongest Strigoi in the world, she can be the hardest bitch in town if she has to, she could manipulate people in the blink of an eye if she wanted to. But somehow, she's managed to stay a good person. I really believe that and I know that she doesn't have any faith in herself, but everyone else does.
"I know she's idolized in all the students' eyes and even some of the guardians and, for a fact, I know that you are one as well. She is incredible and even though I haven't known her for very long, I've come to love Rose Hathaway for everything that she is. I feel the need to protect her because when she's hurt, I hurt. Not the same way, of course, but it's different, it hurts me to see her go through all that she is, wishing I could help in some way but not knowing how and knowing that it'll upset her if I do.
"If there was one thing I could give to Rose in the whole entire world, it would be eternal happiness and her life cleansed of inconvienences and enemies. I'd wish her to be with whoever she wants to be with, I'd wish for her to be whatever she wants to. So I mean it when I say that I will do anything to protect her from the pain that she does not need to bear."
It was the longest speach that I had ever heard Etienne make...and it was the nicest, most heartfelt thing anyone had ever said about me. Not that I believed I was idolized, but it touched me. There were tears in my eyes and I couldn't stand to not thank Etienne for saying that about me. I threw open the door and practically tackled my brother.
"That...was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me," I whispered into his neck and I clung to him. His arms wrapped around my waist and held me back almost as tightly as I was holding him.
"Eavesdropping, Rose, don't you always know how to cause trouble," he said quietly into my hair.
You don't deserve him, Rose, the cold voice that I hand't heard in so lond slithered into my mind. He's too good for you, too pure. He is too naive to see what you really are. A monster.
"I don't deserve you," I chocked out and Etienne pulled back to look at me with the utmost seriousness.
"You deserve MUCH BETTER than me."
Okay, guys, how did you like that one? I'm not sure if the Etienne speach was a bit much, but I'm feeling sentimental tonight. Tell me your thoughts on this and let me know what you think.
I'm also thinking about doing a fanfiction for the Mortal Instruments series. I need some input on that one as well.
Are there any other books that you guys would like me to write about? If so, stick them in a review. If I haven't read them, I swear that I'll get right on that and read them. So I guess if there is are a lot of suggestions for certain books...I don't know. We'll have a vote! Democracy, how charming. ;p
Anyway, thanks so much for reading. Tell me what you think about everything.
Love ya,
Alice