. . . . .

The sun was shining and the breeze was warm. I rolled up the cuffs of my jeans to mid-calf and turned my face to the light, smiling as I closed my eyes against the brightness. Edward was away on another extended hunting trip, and I was making the most of the sunny day.

Jacob's warm hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me back to reality.

"Whatcha doin'?" He leaned his face toward my hair and inhaled. I turned to him and grinned.

"This feels so amazing."

His hands tightened and he grinned back.

"No, you goon." I scooted away from his grasp playfully. "I meant the sun."

He shrugged and winked. "Uh, huh. That's what you're supposed to say."

I charged toward him, but he pushed off of the white sand, powering backwards far out of my reach. Giggling and squealing, I chased him across the sand until we'd reached the stretch of beach where the rest of the pack was frolicking in the surf.

Leah was stretched out face-down on a blanket, the top of her bikini untied. Emily sat next to her, reading under a huge beach umbrella. The guys were in the water, some on boogie boards, the others splashing and wrestling. Jacob nodded at me and sprinted toward the pack, hurdling over Paul and knocking Seth under the water before they'd even seen him coming.

Emily shook her head at them and patted the sand next to her. "Come on over, Bella. It's safe up here. I told them I wouldn't feed them for a week if they got any of us wet."

I sat just outside of the umbrella's reach, soaking up all of the sun I could get. There wasn't much about Phoenix that I missed anymore, but I could never get enough sun.

"You two are looking awfully cozy…" she smiled, hinting. "Maybe even cozier than the night of the bonfire?"

"Um, yeah. I guess," I shrugged, not sure what to say. "That's just kind of the way we are."

"Jake's a great catch."

"I know. But it's not really like that." I looked at the sand, embarrassed that I was embarrassed. Besides, Emily and I had already had this conversation. She should know where Jake and I stood.

Leah rolled over and sat up half-way, bringing a corner of the blanket with her for decency's sake.

"'Not really like that?' Then what is it like, exactly? It pretty much looks to me like you guys are a thing." Her tone was somewhere between teasing and annoyed, her eyes narrowed slyly.

"Leah, let it go. She doesn't want to talk about it," Emily tried to stick up for me, but Leah was having none of it.

"No, really. I'm interested. What is it like, then, if it's not like that?"

I still couldn't tell if she was joking or wanted to punch me. I never really could.

"Um, well. Uh…" I faltered.

They were both staring at me.

"We're just friends."

"Really? Still?" Now it was Emily's turn to sound sarcastic.

"Yeah. Jake's my best friend." I found my confidence and nodded seriously. I wasn't sure I entirely believed myself, but I wanted them to.

"Hmmm." Emily looked at Leah, who shook her head in mock disbelief. "Well, I stick by my statement that Jake is a catch."

"No, no, no. No! That is not where this ends." Leah was on her knees now, tying up her bikini top, practically face-to-face with me. "Details, Bella. Go!"

"Uh…" I looked to Emily and found no help. "Ok, well, we're friends. I know Jake likes me. I mean, likes me like that. But I, um, I kind of already have a boyfriend. And it's pretty serious."

"Serious? Listen, I know you've been dating that Cullen freak for a while, but I doubt it's that serious," Leah scoffed. "I mean, how serious can it get? Not to be technical about it or anything, but, well, he's not exactly…alive. So I doubt things… you know, work very well."

Emily put her hand up over her face and tried to hide her laughter. "Ewww, Leah! That's a tad personal!"

Leah was giggling now, too, her sandy hands thrown up in the air. "Well, it's the truth, isn't it? I mean, if your heart isn't beating, then your blood isn't pumping. And if your blood isn't pumping, well—I have taken A&P, you know… Not that I think that much about the undead and their procreation techniques."

I cracked up at Emily's expression and Leah's feeble excuse for the inappropriate comment.

"Ok, so no, it's not that serious physically. That would be dangerous. Even though I'm sure the, um, technical side isn't that much of a problem. I don't know. We haven't tried anything like that, exactly. Edward's kind of, well… chaste."

It sounded so lame that Leah rolled over, muffling her laughter into the blanket. Emily was giggling, too. The three of us howled like hyenas until the boys all stared. The whole idea struck me as hilarious. Describing my love life—or lack of—with a vampire to a werewolf and the fiancée of a werewolf. Had a conversation like this ever occurred in the history of the planet? I doubted it, and was glad and sorry for myself at the same time.

"Seriously, Bella. What's with you two?" Emily was prying now, and not even trying to hide it. "It seems pretty obvious that there's an attraction there. And it doesn't all seem to be one-sided. I know what you told me at the bonfire, but it seems like you're closer than ever."

I took in a gulp of sea air and sighed. "He's hard not to love."

Leah smiled a wicked smile and leaned forward. "And it doesn't sound like you always try too hard not to love him…"

I felt my eyes grow big and the color drain from my face.

"Oh, calm down, Bella. He's not spilling any secrets on purpose. Pack brain, remember?"

"Um, yeah. Ok. We kissed once and flirted a little. So, I have to admit that sometimes he's too hard to not love." I looked down at a frayed spot on the knee of my jeans and picked at the white threads showing through. "But I'm working on it."

Just then, Seth screamed for Leah.

Emily and I turned toward the ocean just in time to see Embry and Quil dunking him, his arms flailing above the water. Leah laughed and jumped off of the blanket, racing toward the surf to save her brother from his attackers.

We watched them wrestle in the waves for a while, laughing and howling. Then Emily turned to me.

"I know what it's like."

"What what's like?" I was confused.

"Loving someone and not wanting to. Or not expecting to. I went through that when Sam first imprinted on me. I wanted so badly to ignore it, to force it to not happen. For Leah's sake. I loved her like a sister, and they were perfect for each other. It didn't seem fair that fate was forcing Sam to be with me."

I looked down, unable to meet her eyes. Was I that easy to see through?

She continued talking, her voice gentle and low. "What I didn't realize right away was that Sam and I were meant to be together. Fate—or whatever it is—chose for us what we weren't smart enough to choose for ourselves. I will always be sorry for Leah that she and Sam didn't work out, no matter how happy I am that he's mine. And I will always be sorry that he didn't imprint years before he did, so that she never had to go through that pain. But I can never be sorry that he's my forever mate. He's a real catch, too, you know."

She looked at me kindly, and I couldn't help but return her smile.

"I'm glad too, for your sake, that you have Sam. But Emily, it's different with me and Edward and Jacob. There's no imprinting going on here; no fate. Just me being indecisive and flighty. Just me being unfair. Edward was my first love, and he's the one. I've always thought so. I do love Jacob, and I haven't been very smart about how I've been treating him lately. It's been easy to let my feelings for him override what I know is best."

"But how do you know it's what's right? I mean, how do you know that being with Edward and not Jacob is what's best?" Her eyes were honest and questioning.

"I don't know. I just do. I mean, from the second I saw Edward, I knew he was the one. And I was the one for him. We were drawn together. It's hard to explain, other than just to say it was a feeling I've never had before. It was like he was pulling me in and I was pulling him—like two planets caught in orbit. I don't think I can walk away from that."

"But you and Jacob are… closer than you were before?"

"Yes," I nodded, not sure what else to say. "He was there for me when Edward left. I learned to trust him and love him even more than I thought possible. But I'm not sure what kind of love I feel for him. It's confusing. And I've let that confusion convince me to do things I shouldn't have. So now Jacob is confused, and rightly so."

"I've always wondered, Bella, why did Edward leave?"

I looked at Emily, and decided I could trust her with the sordid details, even if talking about it brought back the pain and reopened the wound.

"He thought it was best for me. He thought he could keep my safe by leaving. But he was wrong. We were less safe apart. I did dumb things, he did dumb things… it's a good thing we ended up back together or we would have died apart."

"And Jake? He was there for you?"

"Yeah. I would have never survived those months without Edward if Jake hadn't been there to help me. Distract me, take care of me. Whatever you call it, he was my savior. He's always just gotten me, you know? After all that time we spent together, it feels even more natural. I've missed him, so I think I'm just spending more time with him again because he brings out a side of me I can't show to anyone else. He just lets me be, and when I'm with him, I'm perfect. That's not a feeling I ever really have."

Emily smiled and we were quiet for a minute, just thinking.

"But if—when—you become like Edward, you will be leaving Jake like Edward left you. Who will be there to pick up the pieces of him?"

Her observation hit me with the force of a truck. Intrinsically, I knew it was true. But I hadn't thought about it in such stark terms.

"That makes me sadder than I can explain. But Emily, it doesn't make sense any other way. If I'm going to be with Edward, I have to be with him all the way. If I stay like I am, I'll get older and older. And he never will. It's like with you and Sam. Eventually, he's going to have to stop phasing, right? Then you'll age together. The way it's supposed to be."

"Yes. We've talked about that. He's a few years older than me anyway, and he looks even older than he is. So it will be years before we have to make that decision. But I know he'll do it. The pack is a young man's game; it's not a full-time job for a husband and father." She looked suddenly sad. "But Bella, his is a choice that can be reversed. If something happened to me or he decided he didn't want to be with me, he could always make a different decision. With you—with them—there is no changing back. Once it's done, it's done. And you'll have lost Jake. It seems like that's asking a lot of you to decide now, when you're so young."

All I could do was nod. This was a reoccurring conversation theme lately, and I didn't know what to make of that.

"Could you bear losing him forever?"

Leah returned from saving Seth just in time to save me from having to answer the question I had no answer for.

"What did I miss?" She was out of breath and had a devilish glint in her eye. "Oh, don't be shy. Is he a good kisser?"

I blushed and nodded. "Yeah. The best, actually."

Jake was suddenly standing behind me, dripping wet and grinning ear-to-ear.

"Are you girls torturing poor Bella?"

He looked down at me and my stomach leapt. I followed a drop of water as it dripped from his earlobe, struck his chest and rolled down his stomach to the low-slung waistband of his swim shorts. I realized I was staring and looked up, pink from more than just the sun. He licked his bottom lip and smiled a crookedly at me.

I looked down.

Emily cleared her throat and smiled demurely at Jake.

Leah giggled and looked out over the top of her sunglasses. "Time for you two friends to head off to whatever evening activity you have planned?" She raised her eyebrow.

Jake chuckled and reached out for my hand. I ignored it, stood up on my own and brushed off my jeans.

Leah snorted and flopped back down on her blanket. Emily waved and winked. I shook my head at both of them and stalked off next to Jacob.

"What was going on there?"

"Oh, nothing. You know, just girl-talk."

"Um, Bells, I know for a fact that you and Leah aren't big on girl-talk. Not sure about Emily, but I doubt she's really one of those girls, either. Whatever you guys were talking about looked pretty juicy."

I knew he knew by the way he was looking at me.

"Ok, you win. We were talking about you."

"Me?" His lame attempt at surprise made me laugh.

"Yes, you, Mr. Super-hearing. So stop acting like you didn't know." I stepped into him, elbowing him in the side.

He chuckled lowly and grabbed my arms, picking me up off the ground and swinging me in front of him. I kicked my legs like a child, giggling and relishing the moment.

Then in one deft movement, he pulled me into him and kissed my neck. I pulled away awkwardly, trying not to make it obvious.

But he caught on.

"Sorry." His hands let go of me and I stumbled in the sand.

"No, nothing to be sorry about. I just, well, I just didn't want to lead you on."

He looked at me, incredulous.

I floundered for words. "You know. Like, I didn't want you to think this is more than it is."

"More than it is? What is it, exactly, Bella?" I couldn't tell if he was angry or just pushing the envelope.

For the second time in ten minutes, I found myself struggling to define us.

"We're friends, Jake. Best friends."

"Aaahh. I see. So you make this many excuses to spend this much time with all of your other friends? Do you lie to your boyfriend for them, too? What about kissing? Do you kiss all of your friends, Bella? Do you look at all of them like you look at me? Or is that a special privilege your reserve for your best friends?"

I stared at him. There was no twinkle in his eye. I suddenly felt cold.

He paled a little, looking at me. Then he looked down at the sand and reached out for me.

I stepped toward him, letting his warm hands envelop mine. He sighed a deep, long sigh and looked lovingly at me.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be asking for more than friendship. It just seemed like you were acting differently toward me again. I know it's hard for you to explain what you feel. It's not as easy for you as it is for me, and I shouldn't push you. I promised, and I'm not doing very good at keeping that promise." His hands tightened around mine. "I just want you to define what we are. I want to tell everyone you're mine. Especially you. Because I'm not quite sure you know that yet."

"Jake… don't." I squirmed slightly, unsure of what I was supposed to say, if anything. I'd thought we were done with these conversations.

He ignored my plea and pulled me toward him slowly, his eyes burning into mine.

"Because you are mine, Bella. Whether you know it or not, you will be. You already are. I'm sure of it."

"What makes you so sure?" I challenged him, frustrated by his confidence when my head was swimming with questions.

"I'm exactly right for you, Bella."

And I knew what he was saying was true. He was exactly right for me. We just fit together. Every second with Jake was comfortable; and we got more comfortable every minute, every hour we spent together. Nothing about him was foreign to me. We just got each other on a completely different level. I never had to explain myself to him, and even his strangest actions made sense to me. Everything about us made sense.

Everything except the fact that we weren't together.

. . . . .

That night, I lay upside down in my bed, my head hanging off the end of the bed facing the window. The moon was full and the night air was warm. I'd left the window open, halfway hoping that Jake would show up. But all that came through the window was the smells and sounds of summer.

I stared at the moon and thought of the two lives I was torn between.

Both of them seemed so right, but right to different halves of me.

Jake appealed to my human side—the living, breathing, laughing, dancing side of me. The stumbling, confused, happy, flesh-and-blood me. The me that already was and wanted to stay that way.

Edward sang to the side of me that had never fit in anywhere; the side that was always searching for a place where I could be myself. The part of me that didn't exist yet, but fought to be born. The perfect, strong, unbreakable version of me that ached to be reality.

I knew Edward loved me, but I also knew that he didn't see me for who I truly was. The smell of my blood changed who I was in his eyes, making me more desirable, making him unable to walk away. He'd told me once that I was his own personal drug, and like any addict, I knew that I had a hold on him whether he wanted me to or not. A big part of me was afraid that once I was changed—once the addictiveness of my scent was changed—his affection would change, too.

But more and more, I understood that I was already a perfect version of myself with Jake. I didn't have to be anyone else with him—he loved me for who I was right now. I wouldn't have to change to be with him. He thought I was already perfect, strong and unbreakable—at least in spirit—and he loved me for it.

There was no easy answer, of that I was sure. I pinched my eyes shut and listened to the crickets chirping. In the distance, a wolf howled and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.

. . . . .