. . . . .
A family emergency in Alaska called the Cullens away. Or so said the note Edward left on the front seat of my truck.
The hastily-written note was shaky, the hurried script rough and out-of-character. It also said he'd be back soon, and to be safe while he was gone. His disappearing act had been increasing lately, so part of me didn't even register his absence.
Except, for the first time, I wasn't sorry to have Edward gone. I couldn't face him right now. It hurt my heart to look at him. His presence made my decision—or lack of one—too obvious to ignore.
So, while he was gone, I let go of all of the decision-making and angst and just let myself revel in the perfection that was Jacob Black.
. . . . .
It was Billy's birthday, and Jake had convinced me to cook a big birthday dinner for the four of us.
"You know how much my dad loves your steaks. It would be the best gift we could give him. I'll buy the ingredients and you throw it together and we can say it's from both of us."
He was so adorable that I couldn't say no.
So here we were, walking up and down the aisles of the Forks grocery store. Jake was pushing the heaped-up cart, piling in random things that had nothing to do with the steak-potatoes-wilted greens dinner I had planned.
I laughed and shook my head as he grabbed three boxes of Fruity Pebbles and tried to stack them on the already-overfilled cart.
I realized Jacob was staring at me. I blushed and looked down, away from his burning gaze.
"Kiss me."
His voice was low, throaty. Almost a growl.
"What? Here?" I looked around nervously. "Someone will see."
Jacob ignored me and stepped forward, clasping his hands around my waist and tilting his face toward mine. I resisted, but I was weak. It was too hard to be strong when he was so close to me.
His woodsy smell surrounded me and the heat from his hands soaked through my tee-shirt. I forgot to stand firm and melted into him, letting the feel of his lips on mine soak through me. I remembered our afternoon in the woods the day before, and my breath quickened.
An old lady turned her cart down the aisle and stopped short. I heard her click in disgust before she backed her cart out of the row.
I pulled away slightly, embarrassed.
"Jake, I can't just kiss you in public. You're not my boyfriend."
"We can change that you know." He gave me a sideways smile and then moved in again. "You can change that."
I put my hands up against his chest and pushed back slightly. I tried to give him my serious-face, but he shook his head and the corners of his mouth curled up.
"I'm not afraid of your rejection, Bella Swan. I know you want me. I can feel it." He winked and backed me up against the shelves of cereal. His hands in my hair, his mouth on mine, his tongue lightly running against my lips. I breathed out and found my arms around his neck. I returned his kiss, deepened it. He whimpered lightly and pressed his body flush against mine.
"Can I help you kids find something?" A tired-looking store employee glared at us from the aisle opening.
We pulled apart quickly, and I put my hand up to my mouth nervously. I could tell that I was three hundred shades of red.
"No, thank you, ma'am. We were just trying to choose between, um, Special K and, uh, Cookie Crisp." Jacob held up a box in each hand and smiled innocently.
The clerk glowered at him and turned away silently.
I started giggling as Jacob shrugged and put both cereal boxes in the cart.
"Fine then, we'll take both."
He patted me gently on the rear and moved past me, pushing the cart out ahead.
. . . . .
"I love you, Bella," Jake looked up from under the hood of his Rabbit. A smear of grease darkened his cheek and his forehead glistened with sweat.
I stood there, dumbly, holding two root beers. I'd heard him, but the words made no sense.
"What?"
"I love you." He put down his wrench and turned to face me. But he stayed where he was, leaning heavily against the small red car. His arm came up, and he wiped the sweat off his face with his forearm. He was wearing a black wifebeater and his bare arms and the top of his chest glistened in the light of the work lamp.
I was glued to my spot, still staring at him with my mouth open.
"You know that, Bella. It's not the first time I've told you that."
"I—I know. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Not now. Not after… after what's happened."
"Things have changed, I can tell. That's why I'm telling you again. I love you and I want to be with you. I want you to choose me. For once and for all. Come clean, Bella. Tell me how you really feel." He stepped toward me, reached me in two long strides. His hand tipped my chin up to look at him. "Tell me."
I couldn't answer. The root beers were freezing my hands, and my head felt as numb as my fingers.
"Bella, do you love me?" He took the bottles out of my hand and set them on the workbench without breaking eye contact with me. I stared at him like a deer in the headlights. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I felt. I felt trapped, that's what I felt. I felt too far away from making such a big declaration. Such a game-changing statement.
"Jake, don't."
His chin jutted out and his eyes sparked.
"No, Bella. We need to talk about this." He grabbed for my shoulders and I stepped backwards just out of his reach.
"Jake! Don't!"
He looked angry now.
"Don't you think I have a right to know what you're thinking? Come on, Bella. This isn't right. Sneaking around behind Edw—"
"Jake!" I screamed, jerking forward and pounding both of my fists into his chest. I couldn't hear that name, couldn't think about him. "Stop it! I can't talk about this right now!"
He grabbed my hands and I jerked backward, hard. My backside smashed up against the workbench, sending the bottles of pop rolling across the table and crashing to the garage floor. I tried to punch at him, but his hands were clenched around my wrists so tightly I couldn't move my arms. Jake gritted his teeth and the words struck out at me through his tight lips.
"No. You will talk about this right now. We will talk about this right now. You can't keep on dating Edward during the day and making out with me on the side. It isn't fair. To either of us. To any of us. Who is it going to be, Bella? Me or him."
I looked past him and he shook me sharply.
"Do you love me Bella? Like that?"
He shook me again and I glared into his black eyes.
I spit out the word with all the anger and hate I could muster. "No."
"Could you… ever… love me?" He was whispering now, his lips quivering.
"No." I was whispering, too, but the word rang in my ears like a shout.
Jacob's hands dropped my wrists, leaving white marks where his fingers had crushed into my skin. He backed up and then turned and walked out of the garage. I heard the screen door of their house slam.
It was deathly quiet, even the crickets outside were afraid to make noise.
I stared blankly at the foamy mess on the garage floor until all of the bubbles had disappeared. Then I picked up my backpack and got into my truck. The engine choked and sputtered to life and I drove home. I wanted to die. I'd ruined it all. Jake and I would never be the same again.
. . . . .
My bed was cold and my soul felt colder. I shivered and wrapped the blankets tighter around me, replaying the ugly confrontation over and over in my head. I'd hurt him beyond repair.
And the worst part was that I'd lied.
When he asked me if I could ever love him, I told him no. And it was a total and complete lie.
But not because I never could love him. It's that I already do. I'm just too stubborn and too scared to tell him.
I can't marry Edward. I'm in love with Jacob.
. . . . .