. . . . .
The sun filtered through the trees and the breeze was warm and soft. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, looking up into a patch of sunlight. I still couldn't say that I loved the weather in Forks, but it was hard to complain on days like this.
On days like this, when I could escape the drama I was creating for myself and pretend everything was the way it had been.
I shrugged out of my light jacket and tied it around my waist. Hiking with the Cullens was always a strangely exhausting-yet-exhilarating experience. Since the seven of them were indefatigable, it was always up to me to tell them when I was too tired to go on. I'd often get Edward or one of them to carry me for a distance, which gave me a chance to go farther and see things that I would have never gotten to see without them.
This particular day, we'd headed into an area I hadn't been before. It was north of the La Push, so it was technically Quileute territory, but Carlisle had asked for and gotten Sam's approval to hike, provided no one hunted.
We'd been out since mid-morning and the sun was high in the sky. I pulled a sandwich from my jacket pocket and chewed it while I walked, since no one else needed to stop for lunch. Edward was by my side, basking in the spotty sunlight. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and admired his luminous skin. He was so beautiful, he hurt my eyes.
He'd been unbelievably patient and forgiving through all of my indecision, and for some reason, that was part of the reason I couldn't stop coming back to him. The guilt of my indiscretions weighed me down, but Edward's refusal to punish me made me feel strangely indebted to him. If he had been angry or tried to push me into making a decision, it would have been easier for me to choose Jacob outright. But somehow the kindness he was showing me despite knowing what I'd been doing behind his back proved what I'd long thought: that I was too flawed to be with him, and that his acceptance was what I needed to absolve my sins.
I wasn't good enough to be with him—and even less worthy of his love now—but his unrelenting and unconditional love pulled me toward him. It was as if my heart felt that I owed him a debt of eternal gratitude. I couldn't turn away from the one who accepted me despite my great flaws.
The sound of Rosalie and Emmett racing around us high up in the trees broke my reverie. She was teasing and laughing, keeping just out of his reach. Every now and again, a large pinecone or branch would fall, signaling where they had just been.
Alice and Jasper were alternately racing ahead and then returning to where we were. Then they'd be off again, searching out new trails before coming back to check on us. And Esme and Carlile were acting like kids, running and chasing, smooching behind big trees and laughing at private jokes. It was easy to see the incredible love they shared.
I reached for Edward's hand and tipped my head against his shoulder. He kissed my hair.
Times like this, I questioned how I could ever reject his love and care. Edward would keep me safe. He'd love me forever. What more could a girl want?
I tried to push the questions, rebuttals and confusion out of my head. I still wanted this. I wanted Edward. Now and forever.
Didn't I?
. . . . .
The terrain was rockier than it had been, and I had to concentrate to not twist an ankle or slip.
"Do you want a lift?" Edward looked concerned.
I appreciated it, but was half-way irked that he always felt the need to take responsibility for my klutziness.
I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. I just have to slow down a little on this shaley rock. It's slippery."
We were going uphill again, and I was panting. Edward was gently taunting me, stepping a few paces in front of me, just an inch farther than my fingers would reach. I laughed and lunged for him, slipping. He caught me before my knee hit the ground and set me right, shaking his head.
"Hey, you're the one making me rush!" I needled him, much to his satisfaction. "I'd be just fine if I didn't have this compulsion to touch you, or if you'd stay where I can reach you."
He grabbed me around the waist and lifted me up for a kiss, setting my hiking boots carefully back onto the ground.
A steep, stony climb rose up in front of us. "I think we need ropes," I joked, surveying the sharp grade.
"Baby, you don't need ropes when you have me!" He laughed and motioned for me to climb on his back.
"No, really, I've got it. I like this part." I put a foot up on a rock and started climbing. The stones were big and solidly embedded in the hillside, and the climb wasn't too hard. I was enjoying the puzzle, testing out a rock, a handhold, a foothold and hefting myself up. Edward was patiently watching my every move, ready to swoop in at the first sign of danger.
Half-way up the ascent, Rosalie made an appearance fifty feet above us. She was laughing and hollering something back to Emmett about being slow. Rosalie knocked down a pinecone that landed a few feet in front of me. Edward looked up and laughed, calling out to her.
"Hey Rose, what are you trying to do? Kill us?"
She paused, hanging lightly on the edge of a massive tree. "I'd love to kill you, Eddie, but you're already dead." She cackled and flipped him off, squealing as she dived out of sight.
"Oh, that's it!" He feigned anger and sprung up after her, chasing her deep into the forest in a blur.
Just then, Emmett appeared overhead, chasing behind them. As he swung over me, he glanced off of a large dead branch. It cracked and I looked up just in time to see it falling.
There was nowhere to go, and I screamed and reflexively put my hands up over my head, waiting for the impact.
But the impact I felt was from the side, and it didn't hurt, only knocked the wind out of me as it pushed me sideways. All I could see was a blur of brown.
Jacob.
By the time I realized what was happening, it was over and I was sitting on the ground a hundred yards from where I'd started. Jacob stepped out from behind a tree, freshly dressed and still zipping up his shorts.
"You ok, Bells?" He looked anxious.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I think. Thanks to you. Where'd you come from?"
Edward was suddenly there, kneeling over me, touching my face.
"Bella. Are you alright?"
"Yeah. I am. I feel fine. Nothing happened. I mean, Jake got me out of the way before anything could happen."
Alice and Jasper were immediately next to us, followed quickly by Rosalie, Emmett, Esme and Carlisle.
"What happened?" Alice looked frightened.
"Nothing. I'm fine. A branch fell out of a tree, and I couldn't get out of the way. But Jacob moved me out of the way. It's no big deal."
"It is a big deal, Bella. You could have been seriously injured." Edward looked angry or frightened. Or both.
"Yeah, Bella. If I hadn't been here, that log would have crushed you. And they were all too busy to protect you." Jacob stepped forward and Edward hissed at him. He didn't flinch.
"Stop it, Jake. It was an accident." I was getting angry now, and I felt my face turning red. I appreciated his help, but not at the expense of making everyone else feel guilty.
"Not really. This oaf kicked it down on top of you and no one even saw it but me. It's a good thing I was close."
"I did this?" Emmett looked paler than usual.
"It's fine, Emmett. I'm fine. It fell when you ran past, but it's not your fault. Besides, nothing happened."
Edward glared first at Jacob and then at Alice. "Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?"
She looked hurt at the sudden attack. "I didn't tell you because I didn't see it."
"You didn't see it?" Edward looked doubtful.
"No. Probably because I can't see past him." She gestured at Jacob and turned her back to him. "If he hadn't been lurking in the woods, I probably would have seen it far enough ahead of time to warn you and Emmett. It never would have happened."
"Nothing happened!" I shouted.
"Probably." Jacob interrupted, spitting out the word contentiously.
"Jacob! Stop it! You're just causing trouble. You know it was an accident; no one was trying to hurt me on purpose. Stuff happens. It's me, remember? I'm like an accident magnet." I tried to smile, but it came out looking like a grimace.
Instead, I stood up and shook myself off. "Let's keep going."
Edward and Jacob looked at me like I was crazy.
"No." They both said it at the same time and turned in unison to glare at each other. It would have been funny if it wasn't so frustrating.
"You can't protect her," Jacob accused.
"You're spying on us and stalking her," Edward shot back.
"Guys! Enough!" I looked to Carlisle, but his eyes were fixed on Edward.
Then, as if on a silent cue, everyone backed up and disappeared, leaving me standing in the woods with Edward and Jacob. I wanted to disappear, too, and wished someone had invited me on their sudden departure.
The two of them were staring, wordlessly. Both took a step forward at the same time, fists clenched. Edward hissed and Jacob growled.
I threw myself down backwards, landing with a thud on the dirt and pine needles. I couldn't believe this. They were actually going to fight over something that hadn't even happened. I was so angry I couldn't even watch. I didn't think I cared if they tore each other limb from limb. I jammed my palms into my closed eyes until I saw colors and shapes.
They ignored my charade of frustration.
Jacob was the first to speak. "You know I can take care of her. Probably better than you can."
"I'll admit that you can take care of her, but not better than I." Edward sounded bitter, and I could tell he was talking through gritted teeth.
"Well, this should be proof of that. If I hadn't been here, she'd have been in big trouble."
"If you hadn't been here, Alice would have seen what was going to happen and there would have been no need for a rescue of any kind." I listened to Edward argue back while my view of the insides of my eyelids changed from hot pink to a swirl of black and white.
"If I hadn't been here, she'd be smashed into the dirt by a freaking log that your leach brother kicked out of a tree," Jacob spit back. I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the kaleidoscope in front of my eyes rather than their vitriol. I was so done.
"So maybe it's just time I back off and let you have her."
I couldn't tell if Edward's comment was a question or a statement. I sat up suddenly and blood rushed to my head.
"You know she's falling for me." Jacob stared at Edward with a half-grimace-half-grin and Edward stared back, his nostrils flaring in composed anger. I knew Jacob was showing him. Showing him everything I so desperately wanted to keep a secret.
"You think I don't already know that? You think I don't know what's been going on? What you've been doing?"
I closed my eyes and pretended I was dead.
"If you already know all of it—if you know how she feels—why are you still hanging onto her?" Jacob's voice softened until it was almost a plea.
Edward took an unnecessary deep breath. I held my breath until he spoke.
"Because it's her decision to make. I tried to force her to make a decision once, and it was a disaster. I almost got myself killed and she put herself in mortal danger to save me. I won't do that to her again. My whole purpose is to keep her safe. So I'm here—I'm hers—until she orders me away. And when she tells me she's done with me, when she asks me to go, I will. But not an instant before then."
They were so quiet for so long that I opened my eyes. Jacob was gone and Edward was standing with his back to me.
I didn't move. I couldn't.
. . . . .
I couldn't sleep that night. Every time I shut my eyes, I kept seeing Edward and Jacob facing off in the woods. Hurt, angry, fighting over me.
Edward's words echoed in my head, in my heart.
"When she tells me she's done with me, when she asks me to go…"
I didn't know what I wanted. Why did he have to sound so certain?
. . . . .