CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN – THIS WAS MY LIFE?

Flashes.

Flashes of pain. Flashes of people. Flashes of light. Flashes of darkness.

Why was everything flashing in front of me? Why was everything so bright and why couldn't I see? I felt the weight of Dimitri covering me, his dead weight on my body. This fact brought tears to my eyes, that his dead weight was dead. The pain that the stake was inflicting upon me was so severe that I began to fade in and out. Balancing on the brink of life and death – everything was so hazy and I could see the ghosts.

They surrounded me in a haze but I didn't want them there, I didn't want to deal with them. Go, my mind whispered. Leave me be, leave me with this. Reluctantly, they slowly disappeared, withering away into nothing. This left me strangely at peace, being alone with Dimitri in the end (aside from all the bodies, of course).

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes as you die?

It is true.

I saw Lissa; Christian and I fighting and those rare moments where we got along; Adrian forever trying to convince me of his love; Dimitri and I in the cabin; Dimitri with me in my worst moments, telling me that I was beautiful. I saw Alexander, with his familial affection growing into something else and then us sort of dating and my times with Mikhail, how our relationship had grown into such a good friendship. My training lessons with Dereck, his flirtations, our jokes and good times. I saw Mikhail and I fighting; my training, my strange meetings with the lady under the guardian building, Myra…just everything flashing in front of me.

I saw me at the parties I used to frequent before Lissa and I ran away; Lissa and I on the run; Lissa and I back at the Academy…everything. But most of all was Dimitri, our love restrained and then finally released in the last hours of his life.

Then the memories stopped and I knew that people were around me, surrounding me – familiar people. I sensed a lot of people…people that I knew and cared about and that I cared about how I impressed upon them. But the hard thing for me was that I couldn't exactly figure out who was there.

I slowly stopped feeling things throughout my body, which is good, right? I thought, liking the warm feeling spreading through my limbs, taking away the pain.

This is good. This is so good. I die, in Dimitri's arms. This is so good.

Suddenly, there was an unbearable pain rocking through my body. Snapping my eyes open, I felt myself gasp. I couldn't see anything with my eyes, nothing at all. Everything was blurs of gray and black and my hearing, oh God, my hearing. It was like white noise but not, I could here the distinction of voices and the panic, the tension and urgency were tangible. It was like the urgency was a flashing red string of light jumping in front of my face, dancing and twisting with a yellow one. It was beautiful.

You are insane. The nasty voice sneered.

Fuck off. I responded in a polite tone and continued to watch Urgency and Tension dance so lightly in front of me, so gracefully. The elaborate moves and twists were so complicated, but I could somehow follow them, see the threads tied and loosening in synchronization. They flashed from side to side, left to right, up and down, taking diagonals and all types of angles.

And then more colours were added.

Love.

There was Love and it was a hot pink and red that sparkled slightly with passion. The vigor that it had was so full of life, so velvety and so true to what it felt like. The thread came close and caressed my face but it burned; signifying the gentleness and ruthlessness of it at the same time. It was so familiar.

Then a midnight blue strand, so dark it was almost black, added itself to the mix.

Pain.

There was pain, sorrow, grief, anguish, torture and most of all darkness. Something I was acquainted with oh so very well. The darkness sulked towards my face slowly and twined itself through my hair and stroking my skin. It was seductive and desirable, pulling the other stands towards it slowly with slow, slinky movements. Deathly temptation.

Then another strand joined the mix and the others froze, almost as if to stare at it.

This strand was white and it moved towards the others with tentativeness. It was painfully obvious that this was Innocence.

I watched Innocence with a growing sense of sadness. It was something of mine that I had lost so long ago, something that I had no regard for at all and something I couldn't wait to loose. I hadn't treasured my innocence as I should have, I couldn't wait for it to mature and be a part of me. I wanted it gone so I could be a rebel, a legend – the great Rose Hathaway, Dare Devil Rebel Extraordinaire.

You've gotten your wish, haven't you? A voice inside my head asked me.

Yes. The devious part of me responded.

No. Whatever was left of my innocence and naivety answered at the same time.

I had gotten my wish, just in the worst possible outcome. I had been the major rebel at my school, the most badass guardian-in-training around, which I had loved. I reveled in how other students treated me and how those on the elementary campus looked up to me. I loved how conversations hushed in respect as I passed people in the hallway, how they all wanted to be my friends, to get to know me. I loved how boys would try hitting on me to say they had me that night, I loved how I shot them down with a witty insult the next morning and I loved how they still adored me afterward.

I was a prima in my school, St. Vladimir's was my kingdom and I ruled it. I owed the school and everybody knew it. When someone came and took the spotlight, it was only temporary and while they thought they were on top, everybody knew I was still above, just being quiet. For the time being.

My reputation got even more extreme when I'd broken Lissa and me out of the Academy. Of course, rumors circulated, but that just fed my status. And then I'd begun to slowly realize that maybe, just maybe, my rep wasn't all that great. Among the students, yes, of course, I was it. But with professional guardians and high ranking Moroi, if word of my proceedings reached them, it wasn't exactly idolized.

Though, I didn't care – not at all. I didn't think highly of the elite Moroi (except Lissa) and nor did I care about what they thought of me. This changed when I met Dimitri Belikov. At first, I didn't care about him either. So what, some hot Russian guardian here to look after Lissa with me – what should I care? At least I would have something nice to look at.

That was what I thought.

Then, Dimitri stood up for me. He took my side over and again against the headmistress at St Vladimir's for me, he defended me. He began training secessions with me, training me to be one of the best guardians. I'd developed feelings for him, nothing more than a high school girl's crush at first. Then it matured.

With Dimitri, I could be myself and I could let down my walls at times without fear of rejection. He supported me, taught me how to defend myself against the most dangerous thing walking the earth. But what mattered most to me was that he let me know him. He talked to me sometimes and shared his opinions on personal subjects and told me of his family, his past. At times, we were mentor and student, others we were just good friends.

With Dimitri, my innocence was beginning to come back. Either that or he was bringing it up from wherever I'd buried it deep inside of myself.

Watching this white stand, Innocence, it reminded me too much of him. It reminded me that I was away from him. He was no longer covering me and I was being moved. No! An inner voice yelled; anguish filled me so entirely that it felt as if someone were ripping me apart so very slowly.

Dimitri…I was supposed to end this with you…Dimitri…

Under bright lights, shining in my eyes. Sounds of machines ringing in my ears, more pain, the distancing of me from the world – solid ground. Then the pain came back, the drugs came, pain went away and I slipped under.

I came back, gasping, eyes wide.

I heard yelling, panicked voices.

And the last thing…the beeping…

And everything went completely and utterly black…