. . . . .

I jumped at the chance to get out of Forks—and out of my self-created mental prison—when Renee suggested I come out for a visit during spring break. She bought the tickets, I packed, kissed Edward goodbye, texted Jake to let him know I was leaving to avoid any temptation that might come with saying goodbye in person, and asked Charlie to drive me to the airport.

I watched the Washington fog disappear underneath the plane and slumped my head against the window. I took a few cleansing breaths and tried to leave the drama behind me.

Renee met me at the airport in Jacksonville, and I heard her before I saw her. She came running toward me, arms flailing, giggling and whooping. The impact of her slamming into me practically knocked us both to the floor, and she hugged me until I patted her back to signal that I couldn't breathe. When she let me go, she grabbed my forearms and skipped in a big circle, spinning me around a few times until I gasped that I was getting nauseous. People were staring, and a couple were pointing and laughing. I simultaneously died of embarrassment and welcomed the ecstatic greeting. There was no one in the world like my mother.

Phil was gone for the weekend, so it was just us girls for the first few days. Renee drove toward their new house, swerving in and out of traffic. She'd always driven too fast, but compared to Edward's driving, it felt like we were crawling.

"So, what do you say we go out for dinner? We can get all dressed up and splurge like crazy!" Renee was giddy to have me with her, and I was grinning ear to ear. I never realized how much I missed her until we were together. Of course, I wasn't too thrilled with dressing up, but she did make it sound like fun.

. . . . .

After gorging ourselves at her favorite Greek restaurant, Renee and I changed into our pajamas and lounged in the living room, letting our food settle. It felt so good to just be with her.

"So, Bella, show me some pictures or something. You promised you'd take some with the camera we got you for your birthday," Renee leaned across the middle of the couch and nodded excitedly.

"Um, sure. I did take some. Just a few. My laptop is in my bag—let me go and get it." I walked to my room—the guest room—and opened my bag. I started my computer and wondered why I hadn't thought ahead. I knew she'd ask to see pictures, and I should have picked through them and chosen some of the best ones. I briefly thought about flipping through them now, but Renee called to me.

"Hurry up, Bella! The ice cream is melting!"

I sat down next to her and she handed me one of the two spoons from the pint of Ben & Jerry's on the coffee table. I stuck the spoon in my mouth and loaded up a slideshow of my most recent photos.

"That's Alice and me on a hike, and that's Jasper in the background. And this is Edward and me at the beach."

"It doesn't really look like beach weather," Renee tilted the screen toward her, examining the photo.

"Mom, it's Forks." I rolled my eyes. "That day just happened to be sixty-eight degrees. It doesn't get much more like beach weather than that."

She laughed, remembering, and shoveled a huge spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. I flipped to the next photo, one of me and Charlie in front of the station, but Renee gasped and flopped back against the back cushion of the couch.

"Brain freeze!" She grabbed her temples, her eyes watering.

I laughed and hopped up. "I'll grab you some milk."

I was digging in the fridge when I heard her gasp again.

"Oh. My. God. Bella! Who is this?"

I shut my eyes. I knew exactly who she was talking about, and exactly which photo she was looking at. It was one I'd planned to skip right past. The one I'd had Leah snap when I'd gone with Jake and the pack to the beach. They were all surfing, and Jake had come over to hang out with me for a while and give Seth a chance to use his board. It was one of the nicest days we'd had all summer, and I was wearing a little pair of khaki shorts and a white tee-shirt. Jake had on his wetsuit, but had pulled the top down so his chest was bare. His left arm was hanging loosely over my shoulders and he'd looked down at me just as she snapped the shutter. We were both grinning widely into the sun. Next to my pale skin, he was even browner, and my tiny frame made his bulk look even more impressive. He looked like a model, a god.

I filled two glasses with milk and paused at the door to the living room. Renee was still staring at the photo. I thought I saw a glint of drool on her chin.

"That's Jacob. My best friend."

"Wow. I wish I had a best friend that looked like that. Does he have an older brother?"

I snorted. "No, but he does have a dad…"

She waved her hand at me, still staring at the photo.

"Next, please." I leaned past her and pushed the button. The frame flipped to a photo of me and Edward sitting in the Cullens' living room.

"Now wait one minute, missy. Tell me more about this Jacob character." Renee pushed the back button on the slideshow before taking the glass of milk from my hand.

"Mom, I told you. He's my best friend. He's Billy's son. You know Billy Black."

"Oh! I remember him! Then I guess I remember Jacob, too, from when you were little. You used to play with his sisters. I had no idea he'd grow up to look like this, or I would have pushed Charlie to make some kind of arranged marriage deal." She laughed, and I swatted at her.

"So, he's your best friend, huh?" She winked and curled up facing me on the couch. "Tell me more."

"There's really nothing to tell. We're just friends." But my scarlet cheeks gave me away.

"Uh huh." She raised her eyebrow and practically tackled me. "Come on! I'm your mother! You can tell me. You're not really 'just friends', are you?"

I looked away, but my eyes fell inadvertently to the laptop. Jacob's wide smile grinned back at me. My blush deepened. I didn't want to say anything more about it, but at the same time I had an overwhelming desire to spill to her the happenings of the last few months. I couldn't keep it bottled up inside any longer, and she seemed like the only safe person I could tell—she was so removed from the whole sordid situation.

"Ok, not always 'just friends'. Sometimes we're more than friends." My hands came up to my face and I tried to hide from Renee's stare. She started to giggle. "A lot more."

"I don't blame you, Bella. Look at him!" She gestured wildly at the computer. "He's gorgeous! So does that mean you and Edward are through? I don't remember you talking as much about him lately, but I also don't remember you saying you'd broken up."

I didn't answer her. I hoped she'd move on to something else, but I knew she wasn't going to let this go.

"So, basically, you're dating both of them." It wasn't a question.

I sighed, shut my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts. I knew this wasn't going to sound good any way I said it.

"Well, no. I mean… I—Edward is still my boyfriend. But it's complicated. I love him… I just—I just love Jake, too. I guess I always have. And when Edward… moved away for awhile, Jake and I got really close." I paused to take a breath then rushed to finish, already embarrassed that I'd said anything. "He just gets me, Mom. Nothing happened, at least not when Edward was gone. And then he and I got back together when he moved back. I didn't even have to think about it. We sort of, belong together or something. Then Dad grounded me from spending too much time with him—with Edward—so I was still spending a lot of time with Jake. One day, he kissed me. And it just felt right. And now… well, now sometimes we still kiss. But he knows I'm still with Edward. He—he just loves me. They both do. And I kind of… love both of them. I can't decide."

Renee was speechless for once. But she recovered quickly.

"Bella, honey, you're so young. You don't have to make any life-changing decisions right now. You don't have to rush to decide which one you love. Besides, it's rare for high school relationships to last forever, and there's a reason for that. You will change so much in the next few years—all of you will. But you can't string both of them along. You really should be honest about it, or someone's going to get hurt. Maybe all three of you, and it sounds like the last thing you want is to lose either of them."

I couldn't tell her that she was wrong—that over the next few years, Edward wouldn't change. And for the most part, Jacob wouldn't, either. Only I would change. And I was changing every minute—every minute was making me less and less like the me Edward fell in love with. And if I didn't make up my mind soon, it would be made up for me.

Instead, I just hung my head. "That's just it Mom, I can't lose either of them. They're both too important. I can't live without them. How am I supposed to make up my mind?"

Renee patted my arm.

"Honey, the first time I made up my mind, I was far too young. Your dad is an amazing man; he always was. I wasn't wrong for choosing him, I was just wrong for choosing him when I did. We were much too young to make a decision that big—we still had so much growing and changing to do on our own, that it was impossible for us to grow and change together. It was so hard to watch that first love fall apart, and even harder to split up our family. I'll never forgive myself for breaking Charlie's heart and for taking you away from him."

She choked up and grabbed me in an awkward bear hug.

She sniffed slightly and composed herself. "I was lucky and got a second chance, and this time I was old enough and wise enough to choose someone who was perfect for me right where I'm at. And the best part is, we're settled and stable enough as individuals that we're stable as a couple. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what Phil's are, and we complement each other. We are done changing in the big ways, and we'll be able to change together over the years in all the small ways. I'm really happy now, Bella, and that's something I never could have been with Charlie because I didn't know who I was or what I needed when I was with him. It wasn't fair to have rushed into marriage even though we both thought we wanted it at the time. And it was doubly unfair of us to have a child and put you through that with us. I can't bear seeing you make that same mistake."

I watched her face contort as she poured out her heart to me. Every word rang true. I knew she was right. I'd promised Edward forever, but it was a promise I was too young and naive to make. I promised my love, and I did love him—except that I could only promise him everything I had from my limited view. Every day, every week I learned and grew. Changed. Not just older, but stronger. Better.

It was suddenly clear to me that what I was experiencing was like that first grade-school crush that seems so perfect and heart-wrenching. It seems like love. Until you get your first real boyfriend, and that seems like love. And when it ends, you think you're going to die. But then you meet someone new, and your definition of love changes, and you realize that what you thought was love was only a shadow of what it can really be. At the time, you weren't wrong to say that what you were feeling was love—but only because what you were feeling was the strongest emotion, the closest thing to love you'd experienced so far.

Suddenly, I wondered if I'd really loved Edward at all, or if it was just a feeling I'd mistaken for love because of my imperfect and limited experience.

. . . . .