CHAPTER FOURTY – REDEMPTION

My lovely, lovely readers, I am so sorry! I got grounded and couldn't write for a while. I'd tell you about it, but I don't want to keep you from the story. I am so thankful for all the people who have kept with this story and I'm quite sure that not all of my readers have stayed with it and I know I deserve that. I'm truly sorry guys and just for a heads up, this chapter might have some over PG content, so you've been warned! And you'll also be surprised. Like REALLY surprised.

Enjoy!

I turned around in the darkness, searching for anything, something. Any indication that I was still alive, that I was somewhere, living in some place, some evidence of my existence. It was only black. Black all around me, completely submerging me in it, it was asphyxiating. I was struggling to catch my breath, to probe the blackness for anything, if only a sliver of light.

God, help me, I don't understand where I am, I don't understand what's happening to me, I don't understand, I don't understand…

My thoughts grew more panicked by the moment, as time passed the emotions inside of me intensified. Agony, pain, sorrow, regret, anger, fear, jealousy…everything negative that I had ever felt in my life seemed to be growing inside me, killing me slowly, eating me from the inside.

Suddenly, I was stunned by a blinding white light that filled all my vision. When it remained there, the panic slowly began to ebb its way up once again. This was as bad as the darkness. My breaths became shallow her and I tried to dig my nails into the palms of my hands, to prove to myself that I had any real substance. I couldn't feel my hands. I looked down, I couldn't see my body.

God, save me from this, I don't understand, I'm sorry, I am so sorry…forgive me…

Me? Religious? You never would have thought. The white light began to fade and a scene began to form itself before me. I recognized this place, I realized, it was the Royal Court. I also recognized the people I was seeing. Vasilisa Dragomir, Christian Ozera, Adrian Ivashkov and Eddie Castrol. My friends, they were aged…they looked older, different in some way, more wise…? I studied them, trying to find any information from their appearances, their surroundings. They were laughing, they looked happy, they were enjoying themselves. A feeling of peace threaded its way into me, they were happy and they were doing well, they were fine.

I was happy…satisfied…until I heard what they were talking about…

Lissa's laugh exploded into my ears along with other sounds suddenly assaulting my senses one at a time. It felt like I was being re-introduced to the world again. "Can you believe that?" Lissa crackled, her eyes lit with amusement; I saw that it wasn't the amusement that had lingered there before. This was different, more like the expressions I observed on Royals and this wasn't my Lissa, I could see this now.

Maybe I'm thinking wrong, Lissa would never become like the other Royals, she would never, ever do that…she hates them…I must be mistaken…

"And do you remember what she would do at the Academy?" she crowed. "Sleeping around with all those boys, blood whoring, she was! What a nasty being, to imagine that I had socialized with a thing like that!"

The group erupted with laughter again, Christian wrapped an arm around Lissa and said, "I don't understand it either, darling, she was so awful! You could have done so much better, immensely better, darling, immensely."

Wow…I never would have thought Christian would gain so much memory loss that he had to repeat his words only a moment after he spoke them, I thought with scorn. I had a pretty good idea about who they were discussing at this point in time.

"Cousin, you're not the only one!" Adrian interrupted, holding out a hand to her. "To think that I wanted to fornicate with her, it's revolting! I am with you when you claim that you have things to regret from a point in time. My desire for her is one of them, Cousin, to the heart!"

They laughed and laughed. I tried talking myself into believing that they weren't talking about me, but I knew deep inside that they were. The only one so simply observed and contributed a few chuckles was Eddie Castrol. I eyed him suspiciously, wasn't he going to turn on me too? Wasn't he part of this disgusting, snooty attempt at Royalty?

No, he wasn't, I decided as I examined him closely. There were dark, dark bags under his eyes, sadness on his features, though it was masked very well. The way he held himself was full of fatigue; his hair was halfheartedly combed and taken care of. At least he still takes care of his hygiene, I thought slowly. His fingers were threaded together in his lap and one of his sleeves was slightly lifted, revealing the tip of a black line on his wrist.

Curiosity got the best of me and I moved towards him. They couldn't see me anyway and I had a feeling that even if they knew I was present, their words would only get more harsh. It probably should have discomforted me that I was going to undress someone who was once one of my closest friends, like a brother, but it truly didn't. I was too curious to think of his privacy and something was drawing me to his arm. I could feel a pull; I had to know what it was.

I pushed back the leather jacket that Eddie was wearing, slipping it off his shoulders and saw that he was wearing a wife beater underneath. I pushed it down his arms, catching sight of ink on his skin; this only made me more eager. I quickly removed the jacket and stared down at the boy before me. Tattooed on his left arm was a rose, the stem winding around his muscular form. At the top, there was a blooming black rose with a banner under it. The banner read: Rosemarie Hathaway The Memory Will Never Die.

I shifted my gaze from the tattoo to Eddie's sorrowful eyes, "Oh, Eddie…"

As soon as those words left my mouth everything shattered. The image broke into pieces and came down around me and faded away. I could still see Lissa's old, Royally bitchy face and Adrian's awful snooty one and Christian's…

…Everything eventually faded out and I was once again left alone with the blackness.

I woke up to an earthquake.

"Wake up!"

The shout seemed to bounce off the walls of the inside of my head. It hurt my head so much. I jumped and threw the covers off and immediately scanned my surroundings. Mikhail was jumping on my bed and yelling at me. I quickly reached out and struck the back of his knees with my forearm so he collapsed. I threw my full weight onto him and straddled his stomach, from the expression on his face, I knew I looked terrifying.

"What…the…fuck…do…you…want?" I ground out, pinning his arms above his head.

He shifted under me uncomfortably, but not in an aggressive manner. "I was just trying to wake you up…" his voice trailed off and I glared at him.

"You had no right to come into my room and jump on my bed!" I tightened my hold on his wrists and he winced. "You had no right!" I could feel it starting within me, at the pit of my stomach and crawling throughout my body. It was slow and agonizing. When it reached my heart, I couldn't hold it in anymore. The sorrow overflowed and the tears and fiercely been trying to hold back slipped out from my eyes. It began as a slow leak and Mikhail stared at me stunned. He didn't know what to do, but he cared about me and he didn't want to see me hurt, I knew that, but it only made me even sadder.

"Oh, Rose…" he whispered and when he tried to move his arms, I didn't resist. He wrapped his arms around me and I crumpled onto his chest as he held me. "Shhh, Rose, it's okay, don't worry, baby, it's okay, you're okay…" He murmured nonsense words of comfort to me and rocked me in his arms.

Soon the steady stream of tears began to slow and the shallow sobs, turned into little hiccups and then nothing. Even then, Mikhail held me, telling me he was here, he would never leave me, he would always be a friend and that I could always talk to him. Classic lines. We sat in silence for a little while as he held me and my fingers grasped his shirt.

"What time is it?" I asked finally, my voice raw from hours of disuse and crying. I tried clearing my throat.

"It's about…5:30, I think," he responded quietly. I let him pull me into a sitting position so I was curled up in his lap, fingers still playing with the collar of his shirt. It seemed to satisfy my unease and urge to fiddle. I was nervous, how strange. "So…" Mikhail began. "What's wrong?" I don't know what it was, maybe the way he said it, the softness and affection in his eyes or his desire to help me, but I ended up telling him everything. I told him about the nightmare, I told him about my fears and how I couldn't seem to bring myself to get over Dimitri. It all came spilling out, like I could do nothing to stop it, but the weird part? I didn't want to. I felt good to have someone to confide in for once, no more secrets, nothing to hide. It was like laying myself down, naked in front of him, allowing him to see my every fault, every regret and every pain. It was so liberating.

By the end of it, Mikhail just looked at me and I only met his eyes every few seconds. I felt ashamed but good at the same time. Now that I was done letting it out, I felt foolish for letting him see so much of me. Where had my bravado gone? My badass, you-can't-touch-me act, my tough-girl? I didn't know, but deep down I felt that Mikhail would accept me and he would be my friend, through everything.

"Well," Mikhail sighed. "You've got a load on you, Rose,"

"Yeah," I responded, my voice uncharacteristically meek. "I don't really know what to do anymore, Mikhail, I'm so lost,"

"If you follow me, you will only get lost…if you try to get closer, we'll only loose touch…but you already know too much…and you're not going anywhere…" he hummed quietly.

I pulled back and looked at him. "You listen to Bring Me The Horizon?" I asked incredulously.

"Only the cool kids do," he did a poor impression of a little-kid voice and I burst out laughing. Soon, he joined in and we were both roaring with laughter. His arms loosened around me and I rolled out of his lap, shaking with giggles. We turned on my bed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Our limbs intertwined as he tossed and turned and it felt like we laughed for hours, like we were in our own world of joy and happiness...where nothing could ever touch us…

Slowly our laughter died down and he lay facing each other on my bed, simply staring into each other's eyes. Another feeling began to rise within the pit of my stomach, but it was so different than the other one. It panicked me slightly, so to forget about it, I attempted conversation.

"How did you get in here anyway?" I asked quietly, unable to tear my eyes away from him.

"You didn't lock your door," he answered just as quietly.

I glanced behind me at my door, which was closed. "I didn't? How strange…I thought I did…"

"Well, Rose, you think a lot of things, but there are some…some things you just don't know…"

I looked back at him, startled by the new tone of his voice. I looked into his eyes and saw that the same emotion building in me was also doing the same within him. "Oh, Mikhail…" I whispered and reached out to touch his cheek.

Time seemed to slow for me in those few moments as the pieces fell together. Mikhail had been broken like I had, he'd suffered the same tortures of love, seen the same horrors of Strigoi, had loved ones leave him, he'd seen his most cherished one in the most unimaginable fate possible…we were like a mirror of each other. Each agony and each feat reflected in the other and we understood each other completely. Almost like another half…I thought to myself. But this was different than it was with Dimitri; Dimitri completed me, he made me who I was, he taught me how to love and how to be the Guardian I am today. With Mikhail, it was like a need to be free, the acceptance and desire in his eyes were something I needed. I'd been frustrated and caged, afraid and isolated from what I needed because I didn't know what to do without Dimitri. That beautiful Russian man taught me many things and now, Mikhail was teaching me so many others.

I could see it in his eyes that we'd been going through the same battle, what I needed was what he needed and we could give it to each other.

Suddenly, the revelation ended and I was back into normal time.

Mikhail's hand snaked out and grasped mine, intertwining our fingers together. I looked at our hands and then into his eyes. They were raging with a passion that only I could satisfy and that ignited a fire within me, only fueling mine more. He rolled on top of me and crushed his lips down onto mine. I kissed him back with no restraint and by the way he fisted my hair in his hand, I could tell that he wasn't going to hold back either.

My right hand still in his hold, I trailed my left down his chest and slipped it under and up his shirt, feeling his muscular abs. And good God, did he have abs. I pulled his shirt up and he broke away only for a moment to quickly pull it over his head and off. Then his lips were back on mine and he released my right hand to grip my hip. I slid both my hands onto his chest and kissed him back as he held me. It felt so good to be held, to be wanted as an equal; not as a god, like the novices worshiped me, not like a tainted divine being that the other Guardians seemed to view me as. As an equal, Mikhail wanted me and he accepted me.

His lips trailed away from my lips, across my jaw and down my neck, both his hands now at my waist, holding me to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned my head back as he pressed into me. "Rose," he practically growled, tugging at the bottom of my shirt. He made quick work of removing it and I didn't stop him, when it landed on the floor beside the bed, he pulled away a little bit. As Mikhail looked at me and took in my body, I smiled at him with my best Rose Hathaway smile. "I could eat you up," he told me, only daring to breathe the words.

Holding his gaze, I reached for the remote to the iHome and I pressed play. Ironically, the song 'Eat You Up' by BoA began playing. I turned up the volume so our "activities" weren't at risk of being overheard. I smiled at him and then we were back to kissing again. Apparently, Mikhail could tell that the bra I was wearing clasped and the front so he kissed down my chest and undid it with his teeth. I had to admit, it was a serious turn on. I gently pushed against him and rolled us over so I was on top and big surprise, he didn't object. I grinned into our kiss as I discarded my bra and felt along his defined torso. Damn… I thought.

"Why didn't you tell me you had such a great body?" I murmured against his lips as his hands gently ran from my shoulders down to my hips. It was like he couldn't get enough of my skin, I could tell he wanted all of me.

He laughed and I could feel it in his chest, under my hands. "I wanted you to find out for yourself," he said gruffly and I loved the way his chest vibrated when he spoke. I reached down and made quick work of the button and zipper of his jeans, easily pushing those down alone with his boxers. I had felt him hard under me through his pants, so I thought I was doing him a favour by giving him a little air. He quickly kicked them off and moaned into my mouth as our hips pressed together. My pants were quickly no where in sight and now it was just bare skin on skin, nothing but Mikhail and I.

Under his touch, the feel of his hands and lips the world disappeared and I was consumed by my need for this, my need for Mikhail. There was nothing except for us and in that moment, I wouldn't have considered anything else.

Mikhail held me in his arms, gently stroking my hair. "You're gorgeous, Rose," he whispered, pressing a light kiss on my forehead.

I was tracing circles on his chest and I smiled. "You're not too shabby either," I admitted and his arms tightened around me. He chuckled and I fell in love with the movements of his body all over again. "You're too kind," he said jokingly.

"Nah," I peppered kisses along his collar bone and made them deeper and slower as I moved up his neck and up to his mouth. He gently, pushed me away and I pouted. "You're no fun,"

"I'm sorry, babe, but we actually have somewhere to be," he grinned down at me.

I frowned at him disapprovingly. "What could possibly be a better place than my bed?" I was teasing him and he knew it, but I watched him with satisfaction as that desire rose within his eyes again.

He shook his head firmly. "No," he muttered to himself and then to me, "Nowhere, believe me, but there's the dinner tonight,"

Now, I frowned in earnestness. "What dinner?" I inquired, perplexed.

He laughed, throwing his head back and giving me a great view of a beautiful man. "You're so cute, Rose," He kissed my forehead again and chuckled lightly. "We're having a dinner with all the Guardians and novices that will graduate this year. Don't you remember? It's kind of a formal thing," he hinted.

I still had no idea about what he was talking about. "Okay…" I said slowly, depressed that we wouldn't be able to spend more time with each other. I would have been very content if we could have just lain with each other like this for a while longer. "When is it?"

He looked over my head at the clock on the iHome. "Shit," he swore viciously and pulled away from me completely. I immediately missed the feel of his body against mine. "We have to be there in twenty minutes," I stared at him in amusement as he scrambled around my room, sloppily pulling on his clothing. He was halfway done pulling up his pants when he noticed me watching him. "What?" he asked innocently, looking at me with his head tilted to the side. There was sweat drying on his skin and the way his brown hair fell across his forehead was terribly endearing.

"Oh, nothing," I murmured as I folded my hands behind my head. "Continue, please, I'm enjoying the show,"

He rolled his eyes and resumed dressing himself with less urgency than had only moments before. He looked up at me as he was fixing the collar of his shirt. "I'm going to shower quickly and change, I suggest you do the same,"

"I could join you…" I suggested, sitting up and lazily stretching, pretending to not notice how his eyes roamed my body longingly.

He stepped back almost unconsciously and shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea," he chuckled and came over to me quickly. He pressed a light kiss on my lips and I didn't hesitate to deepen it, looping my fingers through one of his belt loops. He groaned and pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. "You're so evil," he said with closed eyes.

"I know," I said joyously and got up and grabbed a towel from my desk. I wrapped it around myself and opened the door, looking over my shoulder to see Mikhail staring after me in astonishment. "Well, go get dressed already; we have to get to the dinner. Jesus, Mikhail," I taunted and skipped into the girls bathroom.

I feel so good, I thought as I dropped my towel and stepped into the shower. I smiled to myself as I thought about Mikhail while the water ran over my body, erasing all traces of my…involvement…from earlier. Soon, I was full out grinning as a feeling of contentment filled me.

I was on my road to recovery.

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Love you all,
~Alice xoxo 3