CHAPTER FOURTY ONE – FINDING MYSELF AGAIN

To my brilliant readers, thank you for staying with my story! You're all wonderful and I love you all to death!

In my room, I quickly riffled through my bag and found nothing appropriate for a formal dinner I looked desolately around my room and a package on my desk caught my eye. I walked over and peered down at it suspiciously. I picked up the note on top and read:

Rose, I thought this looked about your size and, no offense, I wasn't really sure if you had something to wear for tonight. This is for you and you can keep it!

~Lena

I smiled slightly and removed a black silk dress from the box. It was stunning. I soon realized that it wasn't black, but a deep midnight blue. It had small shining threads woven into the fabric which made it shimmer when it moved, completely brilliant. I fell in love with it instantly. Glancing at the clock I saw that I had little more than ten minutes. I quickly stepped into the dress and saw that there was, thankfully, a pair of black ballet flats at the bottom of the box. I let my hair dry in waves and quickly applied a touch of mascara and eyeliner and a dash of lips gloss. I was out the door at the same moment Mikhail was passing it. We ran into each other and I stumbled back in surprise. He reached out to steady me and he smiled shyly.

I shot him a mischievous grin. "Come on, I'll race you," and I darted down the stairs and out the building with Mikhail hot on my heels. Just as we were nearing the cafeteria, Mikhail grabbed me around the waist and I shrieked and giggled at the same time. I felt his laughter on my back and I kicked my feet playfully. Mikhail managed to get us to a wall in the shadows and turned me to face him. With my legs on either side of him, I smiled down at the gorgeous man holding me in his arms. "Enjoying yourself?" I teased.

"You couldn't imagine how much," he responded quietly and he raised his face to kiss me. I leaned in and pulled back at the last moment, watching his reaction with hooded eyes. He kept moving forward, trying to press his lips to mine but I kept pulling back so there was always a breath between our mouths. He growled deep in his chest and I smiled as he tightened his hold on me in attempt to get me closer. I pulled away again. "You torture me!" he whispered, his breath washing over my skin.

I kissed his lips lightly for a moment and pulled away once he started to deepen it. "I know, sweetheart, I know," I laughed and managed to wiggle out of his hold. When I tried to move away, he pressed the length of his body against mine and held me to the wall. Both his hands went up and caged me in. He buried his face in my hair and I felt his lips press lightly against the curve of my neck. "Mikhail," I said quietly, forcing my voice to stay steady, even though I wanted to crumble under his touch.

"Mmm…" he said against my and I felt his nose brush up to my jaw, just behind my ear.

It was terribly hard to think straight with his breath tickling my ear. "We do have to go to the dinner," I reminded him softly.

"Fuck the dinner, no, wait," He pulled back and looked at me with a devilish glint in his eyes. "Fuck me,"

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe later," I gently pushed him away and sauntered off towards the doors, well aware that I had his full attention. Eyes turned as I entered the cafeteria and I grinned that cocky Rose Hathaway grin that I hadn't used in a while. I was back in my element; this is how it was with me, I was used to this.

"Rose!" someone shouted and I locked eyes with Dereck Hays. I found myself missing his presence and I made my way over to him, responding to greetings from every direction.

I leaned down and pressed my lips gently to Dereck's cheek and I plopped myself down beside him. "How goes it with the crowd? It feels like years," I said casually as I watched them with affection. I'd come to think of all of them like siblings to me, since I'd never had any…except for Etienne…I thought and was saddened a little. But I'd see him soon, when this was all over and they graduated, I'd see him soon.

"Oh? What's this I see?" I looked up, smiling into Blake's eyes and I felt as if it had been an eternity since I'd seen him, let alone spent time with him. "Rose is glowing! Something tells me she is getting some!" I smirked that trademark smirk and said nothing. "No objection! Who is the lucky guy? And when I say lucky, I mean too damn lucky,"

I leaned back and met his hazel eyes with a satisfaction settling deep within me. Shrugging slightly I told them, "It's none of your business,"

Dereck moved closer to my side and slipped an arm around my waist. "Come on, guys, I think we all know who it is," he said winking. I just laughed and let his arm be, I was in too good of a mood. Everyone laughed at what he implied and I saw Mikhail eyeing Dereck's arm with a little sketch of envy from across the room.

A thrill shot through me and I pretended to be paying attention to the conversation when I was keeping tabs on Mikhail the whole time. Apparently I missed a joke and I laughed a little too late and everyone looked at me with that stupid knowing look on their faces.

"What?" I asked innocently, batting my eyelashes.

"You are so thinking about it!" Laura exclaimed, howling with laughter. I wondered how hard she'd be laughing if she knew I'd just come from a hot little session with her brother?

Oh, I'm so mean, I thought to myself. I smiled politely instead. "Think what you want, Laura, but your dirty mind is your own,"

"Yeah, but your body is the one who's doing the dirty!" she giggled and the rest of the table howled with laughter. I simply shrugged, there was no point in denying anything at this point and it was much too obvious. Before I could respond with a sarcastic comment, there was a sharp clicking filling the air. All the chatter ceased to look up at Alexander who was at the front of the room.

"First off, I'd like to say congratulations to all of the novices for doing so well in the Field Experience thus far. Not to say that you won't have more to undergo, but I think I speak for all the Guardians when I say we're impressed." They weren't really; this was just a confidence boost that would do the opposite of what he meant. The novices would get cocky and some of them would let their guards down, thinking they were already out of the fire. Oh, how wrong they would be. "This is to celebrate your successes so far and those to come! This is only a taste of the celebration after you actually graduate!" The room filled with laughter and quieted again. Alexander took on a more sobering turn. "This is not the end and you all need to keep your wits about you. This is not a time where you let it go, this is where you straighten up and sharpen everything. To let loose for a few hours is a luxury that you won't be allowed to have many times later in your life. You're here to throw your life down for others, they come first. Remember it always, but tonight…tonight you can forget."

The cafeteria erupted in cheers and soon the party was in full swing. Many helped themselves to the buffet and sat with friends and chattered, laughed and had the time of their lives. Jokes and shouts could be heard from all around, smiling faces and joy was so apparent it made me happy. In the contagious atmosphere, I forgot about everything that had ever upset me, I forgot about all those who I had hurt and who had hurt me, I forgot it all…forgot everything except how to have a good time.

I ate with Alexander, Lena, Jayden and a few other Guardians' whose names I promptly forgot. It was funny because Mikhail was sitting opposite me, shooting looks at me while he thought I wasn't looking. I enjoyed watching the lights of the room dance off his handsome face and shine in his brilliant eyes. We exchanged more than a few heated looks with him but I teasingly stayed just beyond his reach and each time he groaned in frustration.

I spent some time with Dereck and his crew, talking and laughing with them as well. Everything seemed good and perfect, everyone was fine and happy. Like it should be, I thought to myself with a small smile.

All too soon, the evening came to an end. Out of the sights of the party and joy, I was still riding that perfect wave of bliss on my way back to the Guardian Building in the cool night. I'd caught up with Blake and Tory and I'd been surprised to lean that they had been training with some Guardians, learning to protect themselves. Blake was shaping up again and Tory was fine tuning his magic. I was so proud of them that I gave them both long hugs and shouted words of praise to them.

I'd also learned that Julian had found a boyfriend! I was shocked and I insisted on meeting this boy. His name was Kyle and he was just the cutest thing I'd ever seen! He was so small and cute and I could cuddle with him for hours. Just kidding, he was average height, but he had a really cute nerdy quality to him. He had been wearing a stripped long sleeve with fashionably tight pants and cute glasses. He had smiled at me in the most adorable way and said, "Hey there, Guardian Hathaway! I'm just so dang happy to meet you! I've heard so much about you from everyone!" Kyle was absolutely perfect and Julian was so happy, which meant I was happy for him.

Lost in thought, I didn't notice that Mikhail was standing in front of my door until I practically ran into him. He looked at me with a hungry stare. "I don't want to be teased anymore, Rose,"

I took a step closer so our bodies were almost one. "Oh, really?"

"Really."

I reached behind him and opened the door. We stumbled into my room, locking the door behind us. We kissed and kissed and kissed until there was nothing else in the world.

By morning, I kicked Mikhail out of my room and dressed for the field experience. I had a few good fights with the novices, but I had to go easy on a few because I couldn't always win. They knew I'd been going easy on them too and many shot me grateful looks for sparing them. The Russian novices never ceased to amuse me.

The days flew by with more than a few heated moments with Mikhail and a lot of good times with my friends. I'd become civil with a lot of Guardians and I got to know their real personalities, not just their Guardian sides. A lot of them were really relaxed and very easy to get along with.

I'd been ducking Tristan all week so she wouldn't be tempted to trick me into a healing again. So now, as I walked down the hallway lost in thought, I wasn't paying attention and provided her with the perfect opportunity to corner me.

"Finally!" she said with exasperation as she stalked towards me.

"Tristan, you don't want to do this," I warned, sliding with my back against the wall.

"Oh, believe me, I do," and then she pounced. First, she went for my face and because I tried to dodge her, she pressed her full hand against my face. For a few moments, it was rather hard to breathe as I felt the magic flow through me, but then it was gone. I saw her grin of triumph as I tried to struggle away without hurting her. Her grip was surprisingly strong for a Moroi and next she went for my neck and collar bone. Finishing those in record time and not even looking phased, she reached down and pressed her fingers against the hole in my jeans' pant leg. I felt the scars on my leg heal slowly and I discovered that it was only making her more tired by trying to fight it. So with no other choice, I gave in and let her literally work her magic.

Once she pulled away I felt better than I had in a long time. She only looked slightly tired as I stared at her in awe. "Thank you so damn much, Tristan," I threw myself at her and hugged her tightly. Instead of hugging me normally, she went up to hold my head gently in her hands.

"Let the pain be gone, let your emotions remain at bay; allow yourself to move on, allow yourself to have better days. Cleanse all the darkness from your mind, leave all the sorrow; only let sadness take you in kind, may you have a better tomorrow."

I pulled away and looked at her sweat shined face. "What was that?"

"I think I just healed you," she said somewhat breathlessly.

"Yeah, you did," I responded in confusion.

"No, I mean healed you," she grinned slowly. "Your mental state, I mean, Rose. Everyone can see that you're still struggling in some moments and that you're getting better but I just sped up that process…or at least I hope I did. But don't you see how amazing that is? You'll be as good as new and everyone will be able to meet the true Rose Hathaway before all that crap ruined your life! You can move on,"

I looked at her for a long time then I turned my face away and closed my eyes, probing my mind. I felt a renewed serenity in my mind, a peace that hadn't been there before. I didn't forget anything but I was able to think and see it all now without pain and without the sorrow becoming so strong that it was hard to breathe. It was like it was with Mason, I was sad that things hadn't turned out the way I wanted them to, but I realized that there was nothing else I could do now but accept it. I owed so much to that girl and I would never be able to repay her. I grinned so widely at her and threw myself at her again. "I cannot believe you, you crazy ass Moroi!"

She laughed and grinned at me. "I'm a bit tired, accompany me to the feeders?" she asked hopefully.

I nodded. "Of course," we linked arms and made our way to the feeders' quarter. As I watched Tristan treat herself and restore her strength I thought about my life and that maybe…just maybe…I was on my way to being the way I was before. I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall, waiting for her to finish. Once she did, Tristan licked her lips and gently pressed her lips against the feeder's cheek.

"Thank you," she murmured and made her way to me. "Let's got to lunch, shall we?"

I agreed and as we made our way to the cafeteria, I could almost pretend that I was back at St Vlad's and I was perfectly back into that roll of the rebel I used to be. But I didn't want that and I wasn't that anymore. I was more responsible and I was grown up. I smiled and found myself content with the situation I was in; there wasn't any other way that I would have it in that instant. I was happy. When Tristan pulled me into the bathroom and shoved me in front of a mirror, I wasn't just happy as I saw the full extent to her work. I was ecstatic.

There wasn't a single mark on my face, nothing. It was perfectly unblemished, not a thing out of place and definitely no hint of many scars that should be there. "Oh, damn, Tristan," I stared at her gratefully as some of my vanity came back to me. "I will never be able to thank you for fixing my face…"

She laughed with joy. "You don't need to thank me, Rose, I was so happy to do it for you!"

I stared at my reflection and smiled a brilliant smile. My own voice floated back to me…

"You know, there's something funny about Tasha's scars."

"What's that?" he asked. "

"The scars…they mess up her face," I began slowly. I was having trouble putting my thoughts into words. "I mean, it's obvious she used to be really pretty. But even with the scars now…I don't know. She's pretty in a different way. It'd like…they're part of her. They complete her." It sounded silly, but it was true.

Dimitri didn't say anything, but he gave me a sidelong glance. I returned it and our eyes met, I saw the briefest glimpse of the old attraction. It was fleeting and gone too soon, but I'd seen it. Pride and approval replaced it and they were almost as good. When he spoke, it was to echo his earlier thoughts. "You're a fast learner, Roza."

I wasn't in pain as I had been before when I thought of Dimitri or his voice. I would honor who he was and I would never forget. I would always keep apart of him with me.

Forever, I promised myself.