Chapter Twenty-Five

"…How did this happen?" Len choked out as he trailed behind Katsurou late the next night. The day had whizzed pass them so quickly that by the time they arrived back at the hotel, the group had decided to play a Test of Courage game. It was simple, there was a shrine near the mountain edge, all they had to do was go there and get back. They had drawn names from a hat, and sadly… Kaito had been paired with a girl neither of them knew. When it came to Katsurou drawing a name, he drew Len's… and here they were, Katsurou two steps ahead with the dim flashlight and Len creeping behind him, scarred at every damn shadow that appeared. "How the hell did this happen?" Len asked again, though he didn't think Katsurou would reply… since he asked the same damn question several times by now.

"Because they're asshole?" Katsurou finally pipped in, more amused than Len expected. "Come on, it's not that scary."

"Do you realise where we are," Len retorted. "We're in the middle a forest, heading to an abandoned shrine… at night… there's no moon… and all we have is a damn flashlight. What if it dies?"

"I have my phone, it has a light in it," Katsurou replied. "Plus, it's not abandoned, just not visited often. If we stick to the path, we'll get there and back without a problem."

"That's what they told us. This could be a trap."

"I'm pretty sure you're the only trap," was Katsurou reply.

"Are you insulting me now?"

"Of course not," Katsurou replied. "When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, 'hot damn, I'm a sexy man'."

"I am a man."

"A boy," he corrected. "You are a boy, not a man."

"If you have a problem with me-"

"Shit Len," Katsurou jumped, but it wasn't from their conversation. In that split second the flashlight gave out leaving them in the dark. Len would have screamed if Katsurou didn't slam his hand over Len's mouth. "One, I don't have a problem. But seriously, you're not exactly masculine. Second, why did you jinx us!"

"I didn't mean too!" Len whimpered when Katsurou pulled his hand away. "You have your phone right?"

Katsurou rummaged around in the dark before the light from his phone brightened up the scenery. "Good thing I charged this."

"Don't jinx it!" Len cried out, realising he really was crying. "I don't like this."

"We're nearly there," Katsurou looked ahead and went silent for a moment. When he turned back, he held out his free hand. "Come on, I'm with you. Just… grab my hand and stay close, ok?"

Len didn't hesitate to take Katsurou's hand. He followed behind him, feeling embarrassed that he'd begun to cry. This place was too scary! "…I'm sorry…"

"About what?"

"…About…" Len's voice drifted. "I bet you would have preferred a girl over… me." Katsurou was silent. In fact, he'd been awkward this whole time, from the very damn moment they woke up. "The girls were disappointed too… though the girl who ended up with Kaito was starry eyed… I hope she doesn't try anything with Kaito…"

Katsurou muttered something, but Len didn't catch it.

"…If you had some other girl… she probably would confess right? Lots of girls like you… I mean, I understand why… and I get why everyone likes Kaito too. Kaito's really nice, and always happy… he doesn't seem to care about the bad things… I never know if he really likes being with me… or if I'm overthinking… but-"

Again, Katsurou muttered something. This time he sounded frustrated. Again, Len didn't catch it.

"But maybe I'm just being silly, right? I'm probably thinking like a girl, huh? Not knowing what-"

"I get it!" Katsurou shouted. "Ok, I get it, Len." He took a deep breath then apologized. "If you like, we can wait for Kaito's group?"

"No… I just wanna get out of here."

"That makes two of us."

"…Katsurou… you hate me now, don't you?"

Katsurou stopped walking, but didn't turn around. "What do I say, Len? I was honest when I said you were you, and whatever you were didn't matter… but it does. It matters a lot to me. Not because you're a girl who wants to be a guy, not because you are a guy… but because…" Katsurou sighed. "I don't get it, Len. I don't know why I feel bothered about it, but I am." He turned around, looking at Len. "Maybe it's because I am some fat bastard who thinks all women should be in the kitchen… or maybe because I'm a horny bastard who really thought I had a chance with you then suddenly got whacked in my face." He laughed bitterly. "I thought I was gay… then you come out as trans and then I'm not so fucking confused because I like girls…but I liked you too. I don't understand if I should call myself bi because let's face it, you're still a girl in some aspects. You want to be a guy, but you are a girl; but…you're not. If just fucks with my head. I almost told my parents I was gay… but I don't even know. I just… don't." he turned away, almost ashamed. "It's scary… not knowing what you are… who you are. But then again… you probably feel that a lot right?"

So… these we're Katsurou's true feelings. That was why he hesitated.

"I didn't want to say anything in front of Kaito. Since he's been with you, he's been irritable. It's frustrating because all you two talk about is each other… and it makes me sick. You both nauseating me but not because I hate you two. I'm jealous as fuck. I should have done something… but I was pretty much removed from the picture. I removed myself from the picture. Maybe I subconsciously knew I didn't have a chance, or maybe because I was too stupid to see the romance between you two. I mean, come on; let's look at the beginning of the year, you practically loathed him. He said some dumb shit to you in the first instant… then you two are bum buddies…"

"I never loathed Kaito!" Len shouted. "I was angry… but I've always liked Kaito."

"Which meant I never had a chance," Katsurou whispered. "What's so good about him? What do you like about him?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Len replied. "What do you like about me?"

"Everything," Katsurou whispered. He reached up, caressing Len's check. "Your smile, your laugh. I even like your crying face. Your eyes sparkle from time to time, and it's bewitching. You're beautiful."

Len felt his heart jump. Oh god, this was getting serious. Len pulled away, but Katsurou stepped forward. "I'm flattered, but I'm sorry. I like Kaito."

"But what does he like about you? What do you like about him?"

Len didn't have an answer. He was just drawn to Kaito. Clearly Katsurou took his silence the wrong way.

"You don't know what you like? Isn't that the most important part about being in a relationship? If there's nothing you can say, doesn't that mean you're feeling are superficial?"

"They're not!" Len yanked his hand away, pulling away from him. "You wouldn't understand. We are connected through our scars. He was told he was going to die, told to give up! I was beaten the moment I told my mother I wanted to be a guy. Beaten, to near death, Katsurou! Every day is a struggle, every day I'm breaking at the seams. Kaito keeps me together. He cares about me, and hasn't acted like an ass over what I am. He doesn't care if I'm trans, doesn't care if I was born a girl, that I want to be a boy. He loves me because of who I am. Who I am! Not my gender, but my personality, my attitudes. He loves me for my strengths, my weakness… he loves me! Not some image he created of me. He loves me!"

Katsurou stood there, just stood there. He didn't look particularly dumbfounded, but he was taken back. Len held his body close, trying to hide the fact his hands were trembling violently. "What makes me any different?"

"I don't know," Len snapped. "I don't fucking know, Katsu! I don't even care! I don't care if you hate me now. I just don't want to talk about this. I don't like you that way, never have, and never will."

Katsurou turned away. He didn't say anything for a long moment. Len couldn't see his face, but he saw Katsurou's shoulders trembling. Was he-

"Len!?" A familiar voice appeared out for know where before a flash of light blinded him. He couldn't exactly see who it was, but he knew Aiko's voice. She was with a boy… he was a bulky guy, so Len wondered if it was Akihiro-senpai form the swim team. "What happened?! Are you two ok?!" She asked, racing towards them.

Len went to answer, but Katsurou replied. "Len was scared, so we were being cautious." Len turned to Katsurou who turned back, smiling as if nothing happened. "Right Len? Gotta be careful not to wander off the path. Since our torched died, we have had trouble keeping to the path."

He couldn't believe it! How could he act like nothing happened! "I thought this would happen," the other boy replied. "Katsu, you weren't trying to scare…" he looked at Len, as if trying to find a name. "It's Kagamine-san, right?"

Len nodded in reply. "Oh Len!" Aiko cried, wrapping her arms around him.

"I wasn't trying to scare him. Seriously, our torched died, right Len?"

"Are you sure nothing happened, Kagamine-san?" the boy asked, countering Katsurou who huffed a sigh.

Len opened his mouth to tell the truth when he realised Katsurou was staring at him intently. "Katsurou is right… I was just scared because the torch died."

"Norio-senpai," Aiko looked at the boy who nodded. "We'll go on ahead, if that's ok?"

"Yeah, we'll just catch our breath here for a moment," Katsurou replied. Len watched Aiko walk away from them, wishing he'd told the truth. He was pretty sure the boy with her suspected something else though. Once they disappeared into the darkness, Katsurou took a very deep breath and held it for a long time. "I'm sorry… I'm being a total asshole. I get like this when I get jealous…" Katsurou looked at him, giving Len an apologetic look. "Really… you can hate me Len. I'm pretty much a douchebag anyways."

"It's…it's not like that, Katsurou. I… I made thing worse by saying mean things."

"Can I… tell you a little bit about my childhood while we walk?"

Len nodded, curious to know who Katsurou was. They started walking against, taking it slow.

"…I grew up in a household where everyone competed with everyone. My dad was pretty big business man you know, owned his own company. He was always a very scary presence in my life. He would beat me when I failed at something because my brothers were always achieving things. I never saw my mother, she walked out on us when I was two… I don't even know her name or her face. I was an outcast… still am," Katsurou took a moment to catch his breath, his voice straining. Maybe he had been crying earlier… and felt like crying still. "My dad got into an accident, lost all mobility in his lower body. He can't walk, and is constantly angry. My brothers blame me for it, even though I never did anything wrong. Since dad no longer had mobility, he stopped abusing me. He has to be cared for, so people would have seen the abuse… instead my brothers would kick me down."

"I… didn't know."

"I know, I never told anyone," Katsurou replied. "I took my anger out on other people… I would kick people, punch them… even bite because I was so angry at my situation. I take me stress out on other people… and it's scary. I left home a year ago, been living with my grandfather because I don't feel safe at home. He reported the abuse… but I wouldn't testify. I'm too scared to. Most of the people on dad's side are scary people… but not my grandfather. He's nice. He was distressed over the fights his children had when dad could no longer work. He never wanted them to be like this, but they were. I'm no better. I hoped that if I did something big… I would find my mother." Len realise then and there that Katsurou was definitely crying. "I want to know why she abandoned me… didn't she love me? Was I a bad kid? If she didn't like dad… why didn't she take me with her? I want to find her because I need to know. I hate feeling like this. I'm confused, I'm scared… and I'm very alone."

"But you're not," Len replied. "We're here… we're your friends."

"I don't think you noticed, but the four of you – Aiko, Hibiki, Kaito and you – are pretty close. It's had to penetrate that… I feel more like an outcast than you think."

Len never realised this was how Katsurou felt. Did Ryu feel the same too? "Then you should say something… should have said something. We can't help if we don't know how to. I always thought you were very included in everything. You never seemed bother so how were we supposed to know."

"I didn't want you to know…" Katsurou replied. "I was taught that it was best to keep your mouth shut. I would get beaten at home just for talking sometimes. So I never said anything…didn't think it was worth it."

Len bit his lip. He had been just the same. He knew better now. "Katsurou… you can't use your past as an excuse for things. You are who you are today because you choose to be. But Katsurou… you're a better person than you think. To be honest, I felt really included because you and Kaito really tried… I probably should have talked to you more…"

"It's ok. I heard you and Kaito talking last night. You didn't trust me enough… but I guess you didn't know me well enough to." Katsurou replied, wiping his tears away. "I should have tried harder to get to know you too. But… I am grateful… that you trusted me enough to tell me the truth. In all honesty… I don't hate you. I don't think there's anything wrong with being transgender… I just wished I knew sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused about my feelings." He took a deep breath to calm the shakiness in his voice. "I tried avoiding you so I could work it out… guess I'm just too dumb to though."

"You're not dumb!" Len snapped. "Don't put yourself down because others did. You are one of the nicest people I have met. I should be thanking you for not hating me!"

Katsurou laughed, but it sounded sad. "I… I won't push my feelings on you," Katsurou finally said. "But… I think I just need time to get myself together. So…if I don't talk to you for a while… you know why."

Len bit his lip and decided he needed the last say. "Katsurou. I can face my past. Maybe before you consider talking to me… you might want to face yours too."

Katsurou smiled, and didn't add anything to it. Hopefully… he will.

A/N: Katsu needed some loving.