A/N: Hi so I am back from America. However, I have lost my phone which had the chapters that I had written up whilst away on it. I've managed to save this chapter as I emailed it to RatherOddRanger when I wrote it, but the other chapters are likely to be gone. Therefore I will have to type them up again, which is honestly the most frustrating thing ever. Especially as I wrote them about two weeks ago so can't remember much of the content. Either way, it can't be helped so if you could be patient with updates, it would be much appreciated. Thank you and leave a review if you have the time:)
Kenny PoV
I wake up on Kyle's doorstep, my head spinning. What the fuck had happened? I hadn't been drinking, surely... I had promised Bebe.
It wasn't the sound of snow shovelers clearing their drives or the noise of passing cars that woke me however. Instead, it was the sound of Sheila Brovlofski, screaming as she opened the door.
"Ahh! Gerald, Gerald." I sit bolt upright, which damages my sore head even more. "There's another homeless guy on our doorstep!"
"Oi!" I object, although to be honest, I was virtually a homeless person currently.
"Oh Kenneth." Her face breaks into a smile and I turn my nose up at the use of my full name. "How wonderful to see you dear. My, did you fall?"
"Uh... No." I reply, bluntly and luckily I don't have time to explain myself because Kyle is at the door.
"Thanks mom, I'll take it from here." He tells her and she waltzes off. "...Dude, what are you doing on my doorstep?"
"Can you answer that for me please?" I beg, trying to haul myself to my feet.
"You got so drunk last night." He begins to chuckle. "Like completely pissed."
"Yeah, that's absolutely hilarious." I drone, sarcastically. "Ugh... How did Bebe take it?"
"Well she had this argument with Jenny over the fact that she's now dating Pete, but then she got all pissed off with you and then pissed off with Red for fucking with Wendy and then she just left... Pissed off." He explains.
"Oh brilliant, I told her I wouldn't..." I begin. "Wait Jenny's dating Pete? Pete Melman?"
"Yeah I know, crazy right." He frowns.
"Yeah I-" I stop myself. "This doesn't matter. What I am worried about is Bebe."
"Well I'd say you have a lot of making up to do dude." He tells me. "Oh and you might want to apologise to Jason too."
"Why?" I narrow my eyes.
"You kind of pulled his pants down in front of everyone... And then called his dick a pea-pod." He begins to laugh again. "Except you kept pointing out that it was a 'pee-pod' haha!"
"For fucks sake." I clap my hand to my head, which was a mistake.
"No it was hilarious." He grins. "Maybe not for Jason though, he said he's gonna fight you at school tomorrow with Clyde and Token."
"Fuck that." I sigh.
"Oh and Heidi hates you too." He informs me. "You covered her head in squirty cream."
I just stare at him blankly, score Kenny, top night. Maybe I would have had a less eventful time at my dad's funeral.
"Where's Karen?" I suddenly panic.
"Uh, you left her with one of her friends before you turned up." He recalls. "I'm assuming she's still there... Or maybe she's down Skeeter's... It seems to be an inherited addiction."
"That's not funny." I glare at him. Even better, now people associated me with my father because I hung out at the bar a few nights a month... Week. "But at least she's safe, which is less than can be said for me."
"Chill dude." He reassures me. "If anyone's in shit, it's Stan."
"...Why." I frown, I did remember something being said about Stan last night.
"He had sex with Red." His eyes widen. "Well, I don't believe he did. But lots of people do."
"Why?" I ask.
"Well because they were kind of... On the bed together... Naked... And Red said they had sex." He mutters.
"And you still believe that they didn't." I raise my eyebrows.
"...Yes." He looks down at the floor. "Stan's my best friend, I'm gonna believe whatever he says."
"Well I don't see the problem with it anyway." I shrug. "Wendy ended it with him, he's a free agent, if he wants to sleep with Red then-"
"HE DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER!" He suddenly yells, which knocks me back off the doorstep.
"Dude!" I hold my hands up. "Chill!"
"Sorry... I'm just very firm in my beliefs that's all." He holds his hand to help me up and then I notice something behind me catch his eye. "Uh oh."
"What?" I turn to look in that direction and see Timmy, Kevin and Francis heading towards us with slingshots and light-sabers.
"Ok, you're on your own here." He slams the door in my face. For fucks sake.
The following morning.
Kyle PoV
It was evident that most people in homeroom were still hungover, because even after a day's rest, the classroom was silent except for the chatter of the Raisins girls who were used to this lifestyle.
It was either that, or everyone was pissed off with everyone, which was also a likely option. As Portia's party had been very eventful, resulting in pretty much everyone falling out. In fact, the only people who didn't appear to be bothered by the silence was the two couples sat in the corner of the room; Kevin, Lola, Jenny and Pete, who were hanging off each other's shoulders practically drooling.
Who would have thought? Pete Melman and Jenny Simons, Kevin Stoley and Lola Kirlia. Who would be next? Milly and Timmy? Annie and Butters? Red and Francis? I smile at the thought. There seemed to be some sort of suction pulling all the popular girls towards the geeky guys. Maybe all those years of hacking computers and staring at TV screens had paid off; perhaps they had managed to create some device that seemed to make them super attractive.
Or maybe it was just some game they were playing, after all, I never would have thought Red would be desperate to get Stan into bed... The smile disappears when that memory comes back to haunt my mind. Mind you, I wouldn't put it past Bebe to set something up like this; mess with Wendy's head. It was like the list incident all over again.
What would be the usual 'squad' consisting of Bebe, Stan, Wendy and Kenny all showed up to homeroom alone. It was clear that none of them was on talking terms with anyone else in that group and they all seemed too involved in their own problems to care. They all took their seats, spacing themselves as far away as possible, even going to the extremes of shuffling desks across the floor as if one of them had some sort of infectious disease. It didn't bother me, in fact this feud was making me extremely happy; I had always been the outsider to that group since Wendy and Bebe had replaced me and Cartman, so seeing it fall apart was selfishly satisfying. Maybe now I could have Stan all to myself again...
"Good morning students of South Park Elementary." The usual nasal voice of Cartman suddenly blurts out over the speakers. There is a loud groan from every single person in the classroom; everyone knew that these were going to be the juiciest announcements yet and nobody needed Cartman twisting the knife in further. "Sorry I am a little late with the morning announcements today, but I have been in a meeting with Principal Victoria and she has allowed me to extend the broadcast for today."
"I SAID NO ERIC!" The principal's voice can be heard faintly in the mic but he just continues anyway.
"No one cares about the fish pie for lunch, or the teacher's soccer game after school." He babbles on. "What we do care about is the events from Saturday night. Both good and bad... Although all good for me. But we'll start with the less interesting stuff first. As I'm sure you are all aware, Stan Marsh slept with Red Lakeland that night, or did he? Is the question playing on everyone's minds."
"No he fucking didn't!" Stan suddenly yells from behind me.
"Now I'm sure you are all as indecisive about this matter as I am. So at lunch time, I will be chairman of the official 'Randy' club. A collaboration of Red, Stan and Wendy which is ironic as it is also the name of Stan's father..."
"Gross." Bebe sighs. It doesn't even seem that Wendy is listening, she is just burying her head in her desk.
"This is where we will have an official discussion about the threesome and what we think really happened that night." He informs us. "Stan, Red and Wendy you are all invited along but you will have to be quarantined to avoid outbursts. This isn't Maury now."
"No thanks." Red files her nails, also not really phased by the discussion.
"On the topic of Wendy Testaburger, you'll also be astounded to know that she is on it with Craig... Or is she?"
"Fucking hell." Craig rolls his eyes whilst Tweek makes a little burst of panic.
"I will therefore be holding the 'Tweng' club next week, a collaboration of Tweek, Wendy and Craig to have a discussion about the relationship status' of this threesome. That will be held tomorrow lunchtime in the lecture theatre. Once again, each of you are allowed to attend but the same rules apply."
I notice that Clyde has actually fallen asleep on his desk. Tammy has scribbled down the words 'I don't care' on a piece of paper hundreds of times and even Timmy had stopped yelling his name out loud due to boredom.
"Moving on." Cartman continues after a short pause. "Kenny McCormick has been found guilty of being drunk and disorderly yet again. A witness states that after downing the majority of a bottle of vodka, he proceeded to humiliate several individuals such as Heidi Turner, by spraying squirty cream in her hair and Jason Mawile by pulling his trousers down and calling his dick a pea-pod. Spelt P.E.E pod. Pretty good for you Kenny, well done, although I'm sure Jason won't agree... Or your girlfriend, Bebe."
I turn to notice a sea of glares directed at Kenny, which he is attempting to ignore.
"Whilst we are talking about Bebe, let's open up another window as to why she was not drinking last night. How suspicious that she was just consuming soda. We all know she likes a good drink, several, in fact she calls herself the 'life of the party', which I'm sure many people would adapt to 'bitch of the party' which she definitely lived up to on Saturday night, when she had an argument with Jenny Simons about the fact that she is now dating Pete Melman. What is up with that? The only similarity they'll have to share in their wedding vows is their passion for crapping their pants in front of the entire class!" He sniggers at this comment which causes Jenny to pull herself off Pete's shoulder to hold her middle finger up at the speaker. "To conclude today's announcements, I would like to share some more interesting news with you all. As Saturday night was a very good night for me. You see fellow students, I have become a man, which means I won't be hanging around with immature people such as Kyle. I lost my virginity at the weekend, not just to any girl, but to Lexus." Everyone shifts their gaze from Kenny to Lexus, although she doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. "So I am no longer an outsider in this school, you shall all worship me. So HAHA KYLE! YOU VIRGIN! I LOST MY VIRGINITY BEFORE YOU NA NA NEE NA NA, HA HA HA HEE HA HA!"
I really hate you Cartman, I really fucking hate you.
Stan PoV
I walk into the dinner hall alone. I was pretty much the target of all hate here at the school, as well as Kenny. He however, was sat with Wendy on our usual table, whilst Bebe sat with Milly, Annie, Powder and Heidi on the popular girls table, although she didn't look particularly involved in their conversation.
I grab my lunch tray which has a lump of fish pie and what are supposedly vegetables on it. I don't bother with dessert; I doubted I would eat anything. My legs shaking, I risk greeting Kenny and Wendy.
"Hi." I wave, cheerily as if nothing has happened and I sit down next to Kenny, who stares at me blankly for a few seconds.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Wendy snaps, glaring at me as if I had just killed a cat right in front of her.
"Sitting down." I slide the smart remark in slowly, hoping it would make less of an impact.
"Well you can't." She virtually spits at me, Jesus.
"Why?" I argue, I was sick of her acting as if she owned me. "I am friends with Kenny and I would like to sit with him. Plus I usually sit here."
"Dude... Maybe you should just go." Kenny mumbles and my eyes widen.
"What?" I turn to him.
"Just listen to her hey..." He negotiates.
"Kenny!" I yell. "Why are you taking her side? We've been best friends since day one!"
"Well technically speaking, you and Kyle have been best friends from day one." He grimaces. "I was just there to make up the numbers... Look Stan, you're not making this situation any better by forcing it back together. Just leave it for today ok?"
I don't have anything to reply to this and anything I could say would just make me even angrier. So instead I just pick up my tray and walk off.
I now look like an even bigger douchebag, as I am standing in the middle of the school canteen with a plate of gross food and nowhere to sit down.
I hear my name being yelled from behind me and turn instantly; someone had come to my rescue.
Or not.
I see Red waving at me madly from a table not far away, she is also sitting alone, which isn't surprising.
"Stan!" I hear her scream. "Come here!"
Was she on drugs? I swear she was a complete nutcase. A few people surrounding us were staring now, shaking their heads in disapproval.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I hiss at her, slamming my tray down on her table and speaking under my breath.
"Inviting you to sit with me, you looked lonely." She smiles, twirling her hair. "And I'm lonely too so it's a match made in heaven."
"Are you trying to ruin my life?" I spit. "Hey? Is it some new fragrance that everyone's wearing? 'Ruin Stan's Life' by Calvin Klein?"
"You're funny." She giggles.
"No. I'm not." I confirm. "I'm angry."
"Ugh what's the big deal Stan?" She grabs my arm. "You and Wendy are over. You can sleep with me if you like."
"But I didn't sleep with you, did I?" I continue to interrogate her. "So why did you tell everyone I did?"
"Well it's all kind of a blur now, I can't really remember what happened." She lies, furrowing her brow as if in thought.
"Red?" I hiss.
"Yeah?" She grins.
"You're a bitch." I conclude and then tear my tray away from her table. By now it was probably cold and therefore even less appetising, if that was possible.
I am stood in the centre of the room again when my eyes land on the table seating Douglas, Emily and Francis. Thankfully, Douglas notices me staring and beckons me over.
"Hi Stan." He greets and I hesitantly sit down next to him. Emily and Francis are staring at me blankly, confused at why I had resorted to sitting next to them.
"Uh, hey." I mumble. "I'm not intruding or anything..."
"No course not!" He smiles. "Guys this is Stan."
"We know." They both nod in unison.
"Yeah... Look there's been a lot of stuff going round so if you don't want me to embarrass you guys then-" I begin.
"You could never embarrass us!" Emily pipes up. "They are stupid rumours. I've learned from past experiences not to trust people who spread gossip around."
"So most of the school then." I crack a smile, relieved I actually had a few people on my side.
"All of the school." She winks. I don't think I had ever spoken to her before, but she seemed very nice. Much nicer than any of the girls in my friendship group. My eyes glide to Red again, who is staring at me intently but pretending to read Vogue at the same time. She was a creep...
"Trust me, we hate Eric Cartman." Francis tells me.
"Who doesn't?" I reply and he nods his head.
"Forever ripping on everyone else just to make himself feel better." He voices.
"Yeah whatever you say we'll believe you." Douglas tells me. I was confused at why they are all being so lovely to me when I had only just spoken to them for the first time. But perhaps that was just because I was used to all the dick heads and bitches I hung around with. I guess the people you least expect can be better friends than the people you've known your whole life...