A/N: So I'm just going to let you read. no long author's note today.
Tonight's game of Truth is...different. Way more personal than all the others. Tomorrow both of us would go to our own homes for the Christmas holidays, three weeks of not seeing each other. Three weeks with no games of Truth. So it felt as if tonight we were packing in every intimate question we could possibly have. Well, by intimate I mean...oh, forget it.
"Your first kiss?" Lily asks me, giving me a suggestive look before laughing. I smirk.
"Cameron Hawthorne. I was a second-year."
"Didn't she graduate a year before us?"
"Yeah. I've always had a thing for older women. I mean look at you, you have like three months on me!" We both laugh before I counter with, "So? Who was yours, then?"
"Oh, god, I don't even know if I remember..." she says, trailing off and focusing her eyes on a suit of armor ahead of us, as if concentrating on that would give her the correct answer. "Jeffery Bridges. At Madame Puddifoot's."
"He took you to Madame Puddifoot's? And then tried to kiss you?"
She snickers. "My thoughts exactly. I hated the publicity of it. I like to keep my private affairs private, unlike someone I could mention with a habit of snogging some girl in the Entrance Hall for the whole school to see." She gives me a sharp look, but underneath the glare I can see the laughter still shining in her eyes.
"What? I wasn't as bad as Sirius."
"True, true. I'll give you that. Anyway, it's my turn to ask you a question."
"Alright, then. Go ahead." I still chuckle to myself and shake my head at the thought of her kissing all those guys before me...then again, she was an excellent snogger. You don't get that kind of skill just by kissing a few blokes...
"Are you a virgin?" Holy shit. Did not see that one coming.
I choke out a few syllables that she'll definitely not be able to understand ("Wah...ee...buh...ach...") before inhaling quickly and just saying, "No. I'm not." She shrugs casually.
"Figured as much. I suppose there must be some truth behind that reputation." Wait, reputation?
"It was only one girl, though," I say in a rush. "I've only ever slept with one girl."
Lily looks at me blankly, her face displaying nothing. But her eyes-her eyes gave away the curiosity that was no doubt eating at her. "And did you love her? The girl you have slept with?"
I give her a half grin. "Trust me, Lily, I've only ever really loved one girl. And I've never slept with her." She nods awkwardly and looks away, no doubt unsure what to make of my statement. "Now, you totally did just ask two questions there, but I'll be nice this time around and let you get away with it."
"Thanks, I guess. Now what are you asking me? Surely something as uncomfortable as my last question?" She says, rolling her eyes and continuing with her strolling, not noticing that I had stopped walking.
And since I happen to be the biggest moron to ever walk the planet, I-of course-say the worst possible thing that I can. The first thing that comes to my mind. The last thing she wants to answer. "Did you love me?" She stops in her tracks as soon as it's out of my mouth and glances back at me, not fully raising her eyes to mine. She then closes them and sighs, as if she's suddenly exhausted.
"Yeah," she says so quietly I can barely hear. "I told you I did. And I did. I mean what I say."
"Yeah, I know," I interject, lowering my voice to her volume and shoving my hands in her pockets, refusing to meet her gaze.
She very cautiously walks over to where I stand frozen, unable to move my feet. "Did you love me?" she asks in the same quiet voice. My mind doesn't know what to think. I could deflect the question, giving a vague answer, saying, I liked you, but not loved. But then I think: lying would get me nowhere. This is a game of Truth, after all. The whole point is to answer truthfully.
"Yeah," I breathe out, giving a slight nod of my head. I expect her to get angry at this, to call me out and demand to know why I broke up with her if I did "love" her. But when I finally look up, I see her face is one of...well, I'm not quite sure. I'd say she looks almost relieved that I said I did.
She looks at me, and I realize she's waiting for me to ask a question. I should ask something completely unrelated, I know that, but instead of asking about her most embarrassing moment like I planned, the words that come out of my mouth are: "Do you still love me?"
Even in the dark, I can see her pupils dilate, her eyes grow wider, her breath coming quicker. After a long silence, during which neither of our eyes stray from each other's, she says, "Pass."
That catches me off guard for about the millionth time tonight. "Pass?" I ask, incredulous.
"Pass. I know, it means I lose and you win, blah blah blah, but-"
"Hold on. I don't think either of us are necessarily ready for you to lose. It's so soon! So...maybe if I changed the question..."
"Are you sure that's allowed?" she asks, lightly poking me in the chance. I grab her finger and envelope her hand in mine, leaning in to whisper, "I'm sure we could alter the rules if we see fit."
She grins. "That sounds doable, then. So what's your new question?"
Maybe it's the fact that she looks so the way the moonlight(lolwut they are outside?) hits her. Maybe it's the fact that I can feel her breath tickle my face. Maybe it's the fact that our faces are so close already. Maybe it's the fact that her warm hand is inside of mine. Maybe it's the fact that it all comes rushing back-all the kisses, touches, smiles, promises that happened between us that summer-in those two seconds that make me ask, "Do you want to kiss me right now?"
She holds my gaze steadily, not moving away nor towards me. Once again, I can't read her facial expression. But then I hear it. So quiet that if I hadn't been silent in anticipation of her answer I might have missed it. "Yes."
And the next thing I know, her lips are on mine. The kiss is slow, soft, gentle, hesitant, so much like our very first kiss. And then it's over. She pulls back and her eyes flutter open, meeting mine. And then, goddamn it, I can't take it anymore. My hand still clasped in hers, I pull her towards me and kiss her again, this time a little more passionately. She responds after only a second's hesitation: removing her hand from mine to wrap her arms around my neck, opening her mouth so that I can deepen the kiss, pulling me towards her until our bodies are together. Then she's backed up into a wall, and we're just kissing, kissing like we did all those months ago. It's just like I remember. And so nice, too.
It feels so right, but then...then it just feels so wrong. What am I doing? Kissing her like this when I can't have any hopes of being in a relationship with her. Reluctantly, I pull away, murmuring her name against her lips, but as I do she captures my bottom lip in her teeth, and shit, that almost does me in, but I know I can't hurt her more than I already have.
I lean my forehead against hers, both of us lacking in the oxygen department, and I murmur, "Lily Evans, you're going to be the death of me." She gives me a look, but with it a small smile, and in that moment I feel as if I've never been more in love with her than I am now. That's why it kills me to do this.
"Lily...I care about you. So, so much. Which is why I...I just can't do this." Her smile slowly fades, but she doesn't say anything, doesn't move from my arms. "I...god, it's killing me, Lily. That I can't tell you, that we can't...we can't be...can't be..."
"James," she murmurs, causing me to stop my blabbering and focus on her again. "Calm down, please don't do this. I don't know why you're doing this-"
"Hell, I don't know why I'm doing this..." She smiles.
"But I'm just hoping one day you'll come around. It's so...god, it's so stupid of me to think so, but...I don't know. I can't believe I fell for this again... Look, I should...I should get back to my dorm..." She pushes herself gently from my arms and walks a few steps away, crossing her own arms across her middle and glancing at me once again. "Have a nice holiday, James."
And then she runs away, her cheeks tinged red and my heart breaking at the sight, leaving me to wonder why the hell I just did that.
Five minutes later, when I'm still standing in that same position, I come to the conclusion that the next time I see her in person-when the three week-long break is over, I'm going to tell her once and for all why I had to end our relationship. And I'm going to fix things. Well, as much as I can fix them without hurting her.
A/N: So yeah. Erm... Happy Spring Break if yours is this week! Mine is and I'm super excited. I'll try to update next week one or two times, sorry this is so late! PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL US WHAT WE THINK, REVIEWS MAKE JAMES TELL LILY THE FULL STORY. REVIEWS MAKE ME UPDATE FASTER (: