Having a crush on someone was a strange thing to feel. Lovino wasn't truly happy about it, but it brought a little bit of excitement back in his life. Deep down, it was comforting even. Yet, it was still melancholy at the same time. It brought him a longing for greatness, yet also a chance that he would never reach it.
But then, there was always a chance that he would. Chance was such a confusing thing, deciding the fates of lives like it did.
The dreams didn't help, of course. Lovino tried not to mistake the dreams as signs, but as they grew more and more frequent, it was hard not to. They were freakishly vivid, and he could remember every detail of his first dream.
There was a large crowd of people. Lovino wondered where he was, but he knew he was lost, and trying to find someone. Through the flood of people around him, stands of food and games were strung with lights, filling the night with reds and oranges. He couldn't see where he was going, since the people blocked his way.
But, there was a flaw in the crowd. Someone was walking through from the opposite end, causing the people in front of Lovino to spread out farther to the sides. A hand grabbed his own, and he looked into the smiling face of Antonio, eyes greener than ever.
He was pulled closer and closer, and his brain stopped comprehending where he was going. He lost all memory of how he came from staring at the boy to wrapping his arms around him slowly. His hands were clutching Antonio's shirt, and Antonio's were resting on Lovino's lower back, until one moved to rub his head lovingly. Neither of them would move, and neither of them wanted to. The mutual feeling was kept and felt between them, surrounding their beings and lighting their worlds.
Lovino would wake up flushed as he remembered dreams of Antonio. Sometimes he simply walked up to him as he was putting up his cello, dangerously close.
"Lovino, I have to tell you something," he would say, closer and closer. Each inch that was lost between them was a new record. Antonio would smile before lovingly bringing his lips to his own.
Lovino always wished he could go back and finish his dreams. He thought that maybe, just maybe, Antonio would share one of his dreams with him, and inevitably make that dream a reality.
As the days passed by, Lovino's wish still hadn't come true, but his unwavering stubbornness never faltered. Even if he didn't want to, he still would still love Antonio, and he would always wish for him. It may have been that very inspiration that drove Lovino to agree to sit in that scary little psychiatrist office. But then, one very convincing Hungarian girl and a brother with a face that's nearly impossible to say no to was most likely the main cause.
Behind his back, Feliciano had been doing some research in handling anxiety, and gave Lovino tips to test out every time he tried to play in front of the class, but none seemed to be working. By that time, Lovino was able to play the entire solo well in front of the class, but he knew it wasn't his best, and he was tired of receiving generous visits from me.
They wanted to fix me, and make me leave. If only they knew. I only become quiet.
It was Elizabeta's idea to put Lovino on medication. Lovino didn't dislike the idea, just all the problems that came with it. He knew there would be a lot of signing, a lot of waiting, and a lot of trips to the nurse to make that possible, and he wasn't sure he could handle it. Of course, there was also the dangers of the medication causing the opposite effect as well. That was a bunch of negatives, but one giant positive to work for.
Once Feliciano found out about the idea, he suddenly had a mission. Several calls to their grandfather happened, and they finally had a plan, unbeknownst to Lovino.
After an hour of stressing over All-State music with his cello teacher, Lovino waited half an hour after for the bus, his new habit. Of course he wasn't waiting for the bus, but rather the chance to see a certain someone. Antonio got out of his lesson fifteen minutes after Lovino, and he realized that the fifteen minutes he had after seeing Antonio was a lot better than the fifteen minutes before. Still, this made life a little more tiring, so surprises on that day weren't the best idea.
Surprises were exactly what Lovino got. His grandfather sat waiting at the door as soon as he came in, wrapping him in a painful hug as soon as he stepped through the doorway.
"Lovi I missed you so much, two months too long!" His grandfather swung side to side, bringing a suffocated Lovino with him.
"Mmoff mm," Lovino grumbled, pushing him away. "Get off me, it's only been one month, not two."
"But having two lovely grandsons makes it twice as terrible," he sighed, bringing Feliciano in on the hug even though Lovino knew he had probably been hugging Feliciano for half an hour before he got there. Roma, their grandfather's acquired nickname, laughed and ruffled two boys' hair.
"We missed you too, Nonno! Didn't we Lovino?" Feliciano sent a conversation in one look towards his brother, who was silent throughout the entire hug. He wanted Lovino to show his grandfather he cared, but for the older Vargas brother, yes he was the older one, this was a difficult task.
Lovino took more time to adjust to things, so naturally he had still not adjusted to his grandfather, who they had only just got in touch with a few years before.
Roma smiled despite Lovino's lack of reply. "Well, Feliciano and I were just talking about this great place we're going, and how excited we were to take you there!" He winked at Feliciano, causing the younger Italian to snicker a bit, uncontrollably.
"Oh yes. It's really great! You're gonna love it Lovino it's so exciting, I just can't wait for you to go!" Feliciano babbled quickly, causing their grandfather's face to contort from a wink into a frown quickly, and then a small glare, like he was trying to get him to shut up.
Roma laughed quietly. "Alright Feli, I think he gets it," he spoke, lightly pushing Lovino out the door once again, who wasn't buying any of their crap at that moment. Lovino could only hope it wouldn't be anything to be too afraid of.
So there he found himself in the office of a highly suggested psychiatrist, about 20 minutes away by bus ride. It certainly wasn't what he had expected, but he couldn't say he was surprised at all, since Feliciano was a terrible liar when he got too excited. The only time Feliciano could lie whilst fooling everyone was when there was something he seriously wanted. At that point, it was almost scary how honest he could seem.
The waiting room was more comfortable than one would think, probably, considering the small size of it. It was only able to fit two soft cushioned lounge chairs and a matching couch, each a light yellow color. A bookshelf sat on the far right wall, brown and antique, containing a variety of classic novels. There were plenty of windows in the room, which were the most calming to Lovino, who was already on edge despite the atmosphere of the room.
Repressed memories flooded back to him just thinking about the psychiatrist, though he had never met this one before. He looked at Feliciano nervously, who was happily flipping through a Better Homes and Gardens magazine, before meeting his gaze a few seconds later.
"It'll be alright Fratello, don't be scared about this one. She isn't like the last one, I promise," Feliciano softly spoke, placing his hand on his older brother's. Lovino nodded in turn, looking away and back down to the book he had chosen from the book shelf across from him. He had already happily read the Great Gatsby, but he certainly didn't mind briefly looking through it again until his name was called.
Books were another thing Lovino couldn't help but love unconditionally. The power of words was the fourth most powerful thing in his world, right after music, anxiety, and Antonio, as much as he hated to admit it. The guy drove him just as crazy as anything, and he barely even knew him. Something drew him to Antonio, and Lovino felt that even if he tried, nothing could stop him from liking the Spaniard.
"Lovino Vargas."
Lovino's heart suddenly dropped.
A very important lesson was learned in simply an hour. Not all psychiatrists were bad.
Lovino was surprised to find that not only did the lady not ruin his life, she actually went ahead and prescribed him a medication that didn't have the crazy side effects most did. Though she was a little brutally honest, Lovino could handle her just fine for the hour he was in her office.
He was tired and he wanted to go back to his dorm, but some serious accomplishments happened in the past hour and he couldn't help but be in a slightly better mood.
For the medication, he first had to test it out. His job now was to give his local pharmacy the prescription so he could get it, and then do some exercise to get his heart rate up before taking it. If it brought his heart rate down that meant it worked, or at least that's what he gathered from the psychiatrists instructions. Lovino didn't pay that much attention, and he didn't even know her name, so he could very well have been wrong.
When he actually tested it out, he figured the whole idea was stupid, since his heart rate was going to go down anyway after he stopped moving around, leading him to believe once again that he wasn't right.
But he didn't really care, since the only thing his mind was focused on was getting rid of his anxiety. But also, his mind was on Antonio, which by this point was no surprise at all. He felt weird to think about him, and sometimes even embarrassed himself when he did. Random little shivers seemed to freak out those around him, though, so he tried to keep his wandering head to a minimum.
A trip to the nearest CVS, one twix bar, (it is important to note that it is nearly impossible for Lovino to go into a pharmacy without getting some form of chocolate) and several minutes of waiting later, Lovino was given his very first prescription medication. With it came a life changing opportunity, and as Lovino thought to himself, a chance to play my goddamn instrument without shitting myself from stupid anxiety.
When he took it for the first time, it didn't kill him or anything, so Lovino deemed it safe, taking it down to the nurse's office. At least, Lovino wished his day went like that. However, he wasn't taking anything to any nurses until his grandfather dealt with his love attack, and desperate need to take his beloved grandsons to a nice dinner. They all opted for Southern comfort food, since they were there. Embracing the local food was a lot better than getting in a fight with some poor soul that called their restaurant 'Italian'. It wasn't that their food was bad, it just wasn't truly their own.
"So Lovi, is there any special someone you want to talk to me about?" Roma asked, a knowing look in his eyes.
Lovino immediately shot a glare towards his brother, who tried to feign innocence with an unfortunate guilty look written upon his face. "No, Nonno."
Roma leaned back with a sigh, twirling his wine around in his glass. "I had hoped you'd tell me the truth too," he clutched his heart dramatically, eyes now pleading. "I want to know who Antonio is! Please Lovi?"
Lovino cringed and looked around to see who all heard. He knew the chances of anyone who knew Antonio being in that exact restaurant were incredibly slim, but he couldn't help it. "He's just a guy in orchestra, that's all," Lovino spoke with a voice smaller and softer than usual, not once taking his eyes off the table's coaster and it's now intriguing way of catching the drips of water from his glass.
"A really cute guy that Lovi can't stop staring at." A quiet remark graced Lovino's ears from across the table. He was positive he also heard something along the lines of "You really need to ask him out before someone else gets him, goodness he's really attractive, oh, Luddy is better looking, but still!" Feliciano let out a yelp as Lovino's leg just happened to slam into his at that very moment. It was definitely coincidental, yep.
A freakishly woman-like squeal emitted from the older man across the table, and he quickly leaned over the table to reach for a hug, giving no thought at all to the drinks and food he successfully ruined in the movement. Thus, the most awkward hug Lovino had ever received ensued. This is definitely not like the one dream Antonio and I shared.
Lovino cringed at his own mind once again. Cringing seemed to be a big thing for him that day, and the next day as well. The boy's grandfather couldn't stay as long as he wanted to, of course, so his flight left the next morning. Roma practically held on to Lovino all the way until then. Lovino knew this was simply his grandfather's indirect way of telling him he really did care, but it didn't erase the awkwardness Lovino felt in his chest. Yes, awkwardness was a physical feeling for Lovino.
Once Roma was gone, Lovino was finally able to settle everything with the nurse. He had gathered all his signed documents and somehow survived the confusing medical mess. It was a relief to be done with everything, like a giant inhale of breath he felt all over his body, and all through his muscles and organs. It was too bad this relief didn't last for very long that day.
He didn't feel any different considering he was now officially on medication, and whenever he thought he did feel different, he assumed it was simply a placebo effect. Over thinking things was a bad habit that he needed to get over soon.
The day was particularly exhausting, and it felt like forever until he was finally in the orchestra room, setting up for the day. A chair, a stand, a cello.
A cello. Lovino reached to grab his cello, but his body halted. His mind was crumbling slowly. Something bad had happened, but he hadn't processed it. What was it?
There was something he was missing. It was something really bad, it must have been. He had never felt this strange feeling of knowing he knew something was wrong, but not knowing exactly what it was.
Lovino took his cello and sat back in his seat, his body strangely cold. His eyes flicked up from the floor. Oh.
Two hands were intertwined.
"Oh my gosh, are you guys a couple?" A voice spoke from the other side of the room, but Lovino couldn't tell whose face it belonged to, nor did he care. All he knew was that the one crutch that was keeping him up was suddenly gone. Ask him out before someone else gets him. Someone else.
Someone else got him.
A/N: Ft. A Dramatic Lovi and a very apologetic author. Yes yes It's been a while, (pshhh only about 6 months, it's FINE) and I originally had about 7 author's notes I kept for myself to track the new things that's happened in my life as I was writing this single, slightly shitty and short chapter. As most of you probably wouldn't care, I leave it up to you if you would like to read my summarized rambling I promised I wouldn't bless you with anymore. WHoops.
Update 1: I've been on vacation forever, and now I'm finally back at school. Yep, I got to endure the infamous name game Lovino went through again. But, I'm finally gonna be first chair in my class! No one will be able to take the nice cello or the coda bow from me or I'll just… cry in their face or something. It's like I'm living my own story out, except my Antonio graduated last year. Yes, this entire Antonio situation is exactly what happened to me, with a few creative exceptions I've made up to make the story a little more interesting. Also, this is all happening in one semester where for me it happened over a period of two years. Surprise!
Update 2: Yes yes, I'm again putting off writing this, and in the time I did that, some crazy stuff has happened in orchestra. Really, it's just weird for me to be the mom of the cello section! No one said anything when I sat first chair and took the good cello, but that's probably because we still have to have chair challenges. Meanwhile I get to tune everyone if they need help, lead the section (and for now, play louder than I'm used to so my section can hear what it's supposed to sound like if they mess up), and do a bunch of important stuff for the teacher, like organizing the cellos some STUPID people broke! (I'm referring to Color Guard that uses our room without permission, because flying rifles and cellos do not mix well) Also, most of the better players are in the other class, leaving me and our first chair first violinist taking over the whole class when we have a substitute. It's crazy, because just two years ago today I was a scared little Freshman, last chair in the back of my section. Keep playing your instrument, kids.
Update 3: School is driving me crazy. But I made first chair officially, and I have regionals auditions tomorrow, so yay?
Update 4: Ya girl made 4th chair in region, oh heck I'm proud bc I messed up that audition bad.
Update 5: Region concert went well (but that was months ago) regular concert is in 3 days, exams are slapping me in the face, I'm having relationship troubles, what's better than throwing my stress into writing? Yaaaay
Aaaand now: It's Christmas Eve and I'm avoiding family like the plague (As well as my Allstate auditions which are actually slaying me) so I decided to put the finishing touches (ahem, LAZY finishing touches) on this chapter so I can just be done with it and move on to the next one. That feeling when half the chapter is Lovino and another half is me spurting my feelings.