19.) Crack'd Pot Trail
That's a succinct summary of humankind, I'd say. Who needs tomes and volumes of history?
Children are dying. The injustices of the world hide in those three words.
- Steven Erikson
REI
I shut the door to our room as softly as I could. Already I was cursing the words that had slipped out of my mouth so easily. I knew logically that this was nothing I hadn't done before. Going off to fight. To kill. But somehow with her here waiting for me to return... it felt different. This whole thing was different and the apprehension over going to war had intensified in a way I hadn't anticipated.
I paused with my hand on the door knob, frowning at the wood that now separated me from Minako. I let my head rest against the door for a moment. I was so used to dealing with these types of situations by myself that the fact that someone was waiting for me was rather off putting. It added a new dimension to an already stressful situation.
"I promise." I repeated softly to myself, letting my own questioning disbelief seep into my voice. I distanced myself from the doorway as I shook my head. It was unlikely I'd face any true opposition from the Terran forces, it was truly a battle to demoralize us for the next fight. Generally I was rather apathetic about my own existence, occasionally even taking it a step further than that but now...
"Goddamn it." I swore.
"Having second thoughts already?" A gently teasing voice asked from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder at Michiru, who had somehow managed to approach me without my notice. Again.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. Michiru rolled her eyes, which was generally a very good sign that I was being an idiot in some way.
"My best friend is going to war. Where else would I be?" She asked, nudging me in the shoulder. I started to tell her there was no way in hell she was coming with me but she cut me off.
"And keep the tirade to yourself, I already know what you're going to say."
"And?" I asked her warily, trying to figure out what exactly her game was.
"Do you remember when we were young?" She asked me, reaching down and taking my hand in hers.
"What about it?" I asked with a shrug. Michiru cast me a fond look, though it was contaminated by the sadness in her eyes.
"I always hated watching you leave. Knowing that you were going off to face your nightmares."
I looked over at her, feeling my old fear stirring within me. When I was younger, leaving the sanctuary of Neptune transformed me into an entirely different person. Each time I left behind any sense of innocence or freedom and became nothing more than an instrument of war. I lightly squeezed Michiru's hand, not want any of those dear to me to see what I had experienced. Michiru sighed.
"I just wish you'd let us go with you." Her voice was soft with what sounded like regret.
"Honestly, Michiru, I'd much rather keep you as far away from this as possible." I replied, knowing that she already knew as much.
"That's what worries us. You constantly decide to face these things alone." Michiru prompted, the concern in her voice rising to almost intolerable levels.
"Between you and Minako, well, maybe this is just my way of getting some time by myself." I commented drily, trying to avoid the emotions that threatened to surface with an attempt at humour. Michiru elbowed me in the stomach.
"No need to get sarcastic, Rei. I worry about you."
"And I'm trying to tell you not to. I'm not going to let some... child kill me." There was a pause where Michiru inhaled softly, a look of pain on her face.
"That's what worries me. That you'll kill them instead. Minako told us what you told her. Rei... why didn't you talk to me about what you were going through? I understand your reasons for not bringing it up with the others but I'm your best friend. I..." Her voice broke. "I wouldn't have judged you for any of that."
I couldn't bring myself to look at her. She, above all others, was the one I didn't want to see my pain. She was the only one who had seen me as an innocent – as nothing more than a child. Her mother had seen me broken and seen something worth saving but Michiru, she had only seen the simplicity of a child and a friend, nothing more. And when I was with her I could pretend I was something other than what I was, until now at least; when she finally understood everything about me.
I bit down on my lip, pulling her to a stop and into my arms. She brought me closer to her, as if our hug could somehow prevent me from doing what I had to.
"I know. And I wanted to." I muttered, then my voice broke too. "I just didn't have the words, I didn't know how to even begin to tell you. You... were the one thing, our past was the one thing I wanted to preserve."
"I just wish you would let me help you."
"You already do." I told her. "You always have."
"Well, at least you've got two people to help piece you back together after your next break down." Michiru commented as she pulled away and patted me on the cheek, obviously trying to keep a stiff upper lip in regards to the whole thing. We would treat this with as much humour and nonchalance as possible, it was all we could do. Unable to prevent it, I smiled; being around her was familiar, it was home.
"Don't worry Princess. I won't break." I replied, trying to hold on to the familiarity of our friendship and youth.
MICHIRU
Her reply was steady, moderate, calm, and confident... And that was what made me think she was anything but. I paused, trying not to let on to what I was thinking.
It had just occurred to me that she was telling the truth and that was the reason for her confidence. It was an honest reply it was because you couldn't break what had already been broken.
I wrapped my arms around hers and accompanied her to the gates, watching Prometheus ordering directing the troops.
"Rei. You better keep your head out there, or there will be hell to pay." I told her with a bit of a smile, calling up a memory from the past. Rei looked to me with a smile shining in her eyes, she had understood the reference.
"A headless army can be in for a hard time." She quoted at me, before settling an arm around my shoulders. "Don't worry Princess, this army isn't headless."
"It better not be." I told her as I nudged her in the side. I was still doing my best to help her relax before stepping into her hell. Rei gave me a look.
"That reminds me. You still owe me a game." She told me. "I'd like to see i you're still completely incompetent."
"I think I'll get Ami to play in my place. She always beats you in chess. The task of a true leader is knowing how to delegate." I told her as primly as I could. She laughed before Prometheus caught her eye. That sobered her quickly.
"I need to get going." She told me, removing her arm from my shoulder but not before I gave her a hug.
"Come home safe for us Rei." I whispered before she turned away. She didn't give me any promises and I didn't expect her to. All I had to do now was watch them depart.
MINAKO
We had all gathered in the common room, waiting anxiously for Rei's return. We all knew it would be hours yet before we had any word from them but... still, we waited. Even the Elder God had joined us, though she seemed rather bored by it all. I gestured her out into the hall, wanting to have a private word with her.
"Why are you here?" I asked her as we stepped outside, the girl looked up at me.
"I am trying to figure you out as a group." She replied. I looked at her questioningly.
"She is taking the sensible course of action. What is it that you are all worried about?" The Elder God asked me, with ancient eyes. I looked over at the girl, wondering how I could possibly explain what was going on in our hearts and souls. I could see so many painful similarities between her and the way I used to be with Rei that I figured out how to address the issue.
"Do you mind if I give you some advice? On how to... understand us?" I asked, hesitating slightly over my words. I wasn't sure how to properly interact with this being yet. I'd grown accustomed to the others, even Setsuna, but this girl was still so foreign to me. The Elder God inclined her head in response, simply waiting to listen to what I had to say.
"Don't look at everyone elses experience... look inside yourself and see what you feel here." I told her, placing a hand over my heart, knowing that she would understand what the gesture meant. She read my life experiences the way I read other peoples emotions, it wasn't a voluntary act. It just happened and we needed to learn how to communicate with out it. We needed to be able to see with out it. "That's what it means to be human. Relate to be people through what you've seen and felt, not through the experience as a whole."
"You are speaking from your own experiences, correct?"
I sighed.
"Yes. I made a mistake in the past, I was so caught up in myself and my own sense of self that I didn't see what was going on. Eventually I couldn't avoid the matter any longer and I came to realize the damage I was causing. I needed to be able to relate to people, rather than simply see them. One needs to be and act human to learn about others."
"You are saying that for me to accurately learn about humans I must learn what it is to be human?" The Elder God asked. I nodded, considering the communication gap we'd faced thus far... her understanding was close enough to the point I was trying to make.
"For one so young there is wisdom in you." The Elder God told me. "I shall try it. I will become human."
I looked over sharply.
"Wait, what?" I asked, but already I could see a change coming across the girl in front of me. The odd sensation that accompanied her presence was fading, as was the look in her eyes. The knowing was simply disappearing like she was storing it somewhere else inside herself. I swallowed as I found myself looking at what, for all the worlds, seemed to be just a normal girl. A child.
"Minako?" Hotaru questioned, as if trying out my name to see how it felt in her mouth.
"That wasn't exactly what I meant." I told her, wondering how I would explain any of this to the others.
"What do you mean?" Hotaru asked, a gentle innocence in her voice that reminded me sharply of Rhode. It was the innocent wisdom that made you think you had simply been asking the wrong questions all your life. It made me feel like the Elder God had seen something in my words that I simply hadn't considered. I smiled.
"Never mind." I told her, she cocked her head to the side and surveyed me.
"I don't understand you." She commented, looking a bit puzzled.
"I'm not sure I understand you either." I replied. There was a moment of silence between us where she considered my words but it wasn't the same consideration the Elder God had shown earlier. It was as if she were truly thinking about my words... rather than all the possible associations the feeling or experience could have. Then she shrugged, putting it aside. I gave a smile and a shake of my head at just how much she had changed in a short amount of time.
Hopefully it would prove to be a change for the better.
HARUKA
The moment Minako walked back into the room with Hotaru I could see there was something different about them... aside from the stunned expression on Minako's face.
"What happened?" I asked warily, wondering if something truly terrible had occurred. Maybe the Elder God had revealed something that Setsuna couldn't.
Minako gave me a shrug, looking at a loss for words.
"You're Haruka." The Elder God said, I blinked at the change in her voice. She didn't sound like an eternal being anymore... she sounded like a kid.
Minako met my eyes as if to agree with me.
"She wanted to learn to be human." Minako offered up weakly as an explanation.
"Geez beautiful. Only you could take an Elder God out of the room for five minutes and convince them to relinquish near infinite power." I commented with a bit of a chuckle, getting a kick out of the disbelief on Minako's face.
"She didn't." Hotaru replied, sitting down on the floor near one of the bookshelves.
"Didn't what?" Makoto asked, looking like she wanted a distraction from the tense waiting as much as I did.
The Elder God made no reply. Setsuna approached her, seeming to study her intently for a moment.
"She didn't convince the Elder God to relinquish their power, they merely restricted the... all knowing aspect and poured what was left into a human mould." Setsuna explained.
I straightened up slightly.
"So that kid, Hotaru, is basically a giant universe ending accident waiting to happen?" I questioned quietly. Setsuna didn't reply.
"Well, let's not let the kid get bored them." Makoto muttered, settling down on the floor by Ami's feet. Ami passed her a book that appeared to be a collection of fables.
"If she wanted to learn you might as well start teaching her, Makoto. You hate sitting still anyways."
I nodded, joining Makoto on the floor near Hotaru. At least this would keep us occupied while we waited for news.
MINAKO
Hours later, I sat frozen in the common room, staring out the window towards where the battle was taking place. I closed my eyes and reached out to Rei, startled when I couldn't feel anything. I paused... there was something there, it just felt disjointed. Numb. Distant. Everything was muted to the point of nonexistence.
This was what she had been talking about.
I now understood the cold look in her eyes when she fought, she was trying her best not to feel anything. My heart hurt a little as I wondered how long she had been trying to cope this way, how long she had kept it all inside. She tried to emotionally disconnect herself from everything to keep herself sane.
"Minako?" Ami asked, laying a hand on my arm. "What's wrong?"
"It's Rei." I replied, trying my hardest not to sound horrified. "I can't feel her."
Ami looked confused for a moment, a rare sight, then comprehension dawned.
"You mean empathically?" She asked, Makoto looked over curiously as I nodded.
"Empathically?" Makoto asked, looking confused. The word in common sounded foreign on her tongue.
"She can feel, or rather experience, other people's feelings. It's the word for the Venusian trait." Ami supplied in an undertone then faced me again. "What do you mean you can't feel her? Is she alright?"
"I don't know. I don't think so." I said, trying to fight down the panic within. I noticed someone faintly shift their weight. I looked up. Phobos was standing rigidly in place with his eyes closed, he looked as though he was trying to find something inside of himself.
"They're alright. Rei is just... the same. It's always like this when she fights." His voice was a whisper, I could almost see the pain and sorrow in his face. Neither Phobos nor Deimos were as guarded with their emotions as Rei. However her walls were falling slowly, crumbling under the power that acceptance brought her.
"You both love her." I commented, looking into his feelings without meaning to. His deep violet eyes opened slowly, then met mine. Yet again I was shocked at how similar to Rei he was, it was as though they were created in her image, or as was more likely, she in theirs.
The bond between the three of them burned bright and pure. It was a bond somewhere between friendship and family, between love and being in love. They truly cherished one another. It was beyond anything I had seen before aside from my mother's bonds with the world.
"Yes." Was his answer, but as he said the word I could feel the intensity of the feeling behind it, his protectiveness and devotion was nearly overwhelming. I did everything I could to stop myself from being pulled into his emotions and being. I caught glimpses from his and his sister's eyes. I stood before him, just as Rei stood before his sister, only I was frozen in place while Rei participated in a gruesome and deadly dance. Blood spraying across her face, causing her to close cold eyes for the briefest of seconds before driving her sword into the throat of another child.
I jerked back before I could be pulled any deeper into his mind, which was so intricately linked with his sisters.
Phobos was knelt beside me, his hand had engulfed my own.
"I apologize Lady Minako." He murmured.
"There's nothing to apologize for." I gasped, I was still reeling from what I'd seen. What I'd seen of what Rei was going through. She said she had gone through this before but I hadn't imagined... that it would be anything like this. Her only way of surviving was to not feel while she fought, she would enter a battle-sleep and deal with the consequences, and memories in the aftermath. "I should have been more careful."
There was a ghost of a smile on his face.
"Now that sounded like Rei." He murmured, for some reason this brought a small smile to my face as well as a certain warmth to my soul.
I returned my gaze to the window, allowing a that warmth to ease the passing of time.
I was the first one to see them returning when a wave of red appeared across the silver grasses of the Moon, I jumped to my feet and ran out of the palace. My eyes cast about anxiously for Rei as the Martian soldiers drew closer.
She was nowhere to be found. The vise of panic gripped my body, making it hard to breathe. My eyes sought desperately for Rei, but no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find her. I pushed my way through the crowd.
I broke through the tide of Martian soldiers and broke into a run in the direction of the battlefield. The air was getting harder to breathe as raw panic took over. Another small crowd of soldiers was lingering on the battlefield, I felt ready to throw up.
Were they there to hurt Rei? Had they already hurt her? I reached out with my powers, trying to sense something. Anything. I still couldn't sense anything from her but I did get a read off of some of the soldiers in the group that set me somewhat at ease.
I approached them, seeking out the one whose feelings I had experiences. I caught sight of the man I was looking for joining him at his elbow.
"Lady Minako." Prometheus greeted with bow, which seemed oddly mocking. He seemed in remarkably good humour for having just come through a battle of that nature. I cast a swift glance at the surrounding men. None of them seemed particularly aggressive towards me, though I did receive some odd looks.
"Where is she? Is she alright?" I asked urgently, still terrified by the fact that I hadn't seen or felt her yet. Prometheus laid his hand on my arm.
"Calm yourself, it will be better for what you are about to experience. She will need you tonight. Don't let your own emotions get in the way of that." He told me calmly, his tone was supportive. I took a deep breath willing myself to forget my fear and anxiety. He was right, my feelings weren't something to be concerned over. I met his eyes after I had felt the panic subside. "She is still on the field of battle, Deimos is with her so you needn't be concerned over her health."
I nodded, knowing that her health was going to be the least of my worries tonight. He let go of my arm, his face neutral; I could feel the emotion within him though. He was worried for her, even if he wouldn't say it.
"You should go to her." He stated, stepping past me to join his men. I could hear their victory celebrations beginning. I looked out toward the silver plains, and began to walk.
REI
I felt Deimos' hand on my shoulder as I knelt murmuring prayers for the dead; trying not to look at the faces of the young. I had done what I could for them and was now preparing to guide their souls to the gates. Hopefully they would find the same solace there that I had.
I got to my feet, raising a hand out in front of me. I looked out across the wasteland of the battlefield, nearly unable to comprehend how much this engagement between out forces had devastated the landscape. The grass was now painted with blood. The Moon would be irreparably changed by what had happened here.
I closed my eyes, unable to focus on the horrifying display any longer. I brought my thoughts inwards, feeling out the traces of death that surrounded me. Lighting a small fire at the core of each tragedy. When I opened my eyes, the landscape was ablaze. Each body with a funeral pyre of its own.
I swallowed roughly, feeling my legs grow weak beneath me. I lowered myself to the ground, deciding to sit rather than collapse as I watched the world burn around me.
MICHIRU
I watched as smoke spiralled high into the sky off in the distance, it was the colour of the depths of a tomb; a polluted black that threatened to banish the blue skies. I knew instinctively that it was Rei who was causing the plumes of dark smoke to rise. I leaned my head against the window, hoping that Minako found her quickly. None of us knew the damage that she had suffered, none of us knew what was coming next. All we could do was sit and wait.
I felt Haruka settle behind me on the window seat, her arms wrapping around me. Her chin can to rest on my shoulder as she brushed her lips against my cheek.
"Minako will look after her." She whispered softly, I leaned back against her with a nod. It didn't stop me from watching the horizon though.
After an age I saw three figures approaching the palace gates, I sat up a little straighter trying to get a better look. The others, upon seeing my movement, joined me at the window. Phobos lingered at my side.
"It's them." He told me despite the fact their features weren't visible. "They're back."
I rose to my feet, moving across the room with a speed that startled me. I could feel Haruka's presence right behind me as I dashed towards the front of the palace. Once outside I stopped short. Deimos and Minako stood on either side of Rei, each with a hand on her back; guiding her. She looked like all she wanted to do was sit down and not move for the rest of the century.
The blood that streaked her features made her seem so incredibly tired world weary. I had seen her come from battle before... but I had never seen her like this. Haruka's hand settled on my shoulder.
"We should give them some space, love. We can check on her later." She told me, pulling me back against her chest as they approached. I nodded, meeting Minako's eyes as they passed. She reached out and touched my arm gently.
"She'll want to see you."
"Soon." I told her, knowing that Haruka was probably right about what they needed. I knew from my experience with Rei that she needed time and space to process... and crowding her with affection and comfort would not make things better. On the contrary it would probably make her feel as though she needed to put on a brave face for the rest of us. She was still a Martian and emotion was weakness. And weakness wasn't something you showed to everybody.
MINAKO
I slowly stripped Rei of her armour, letting it fall to the floor of our room before guiding Rei to the bathroom. She responded to my guidance woodenly, the dead look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know.
I turned on the water in the shower, not bothering to remove either of our clothes as I stepped under the curtain of water with her. I slowly and carefully did my best to wash the caked blood out of her hair and removed the grime of war. It hurt to see her like this, so broken and defenceless. I rubbed my thumb over her cheek tenderly as I pressed my lips to hers.
She responded slowly and hesitantly. I threaded my fingers through her hair as I brought her head down to rest on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. Her shoulders shook as she began to cry. "For everything."
AMI
I knocked softly on the door to Minako's rooms before stepping inside and making my way to the bedroom. Minako's gaze watched me from where she was seated on the bed. Rei was curled up beside her, seemingly asleep; her head was rested on Minako's stomach and her arm was wrapped around her body clutching Minako to her like a lifeline.
"Is she okay?" I asked softly, we both knew Rei wasn't fine emotionally or mentally at this moment in time. I was just hoping that Rei had escaped further physical harm. Minako gave a half-shrug.
"I didn't find any new injuries." She told me. "At least not physical ones... when her walls came down enough for me to feel her, it just about killed me."
I gave a slow nod. It was understandable, if not entirely reassuring.
"She's sleeping though, right? That's something." I told her. She gave a soft smile, nodding. It was a sad one though.
"I'm afraid to leave her." Minako whispered, I looked up catching a vulnerable expression on her face. "I'm afraid if I leave her side that she'll disappear on me. That she'll..."
Minako fought back her tears as I realized what she was talking about. I swallowed roughly.
"She has you now Minako, she wouldn't." I told her, trying to convince myself of this as much as I was trying to convince her. "We understand her better now, we can be there for her in a way we couldn't before. She'll get through this."
Minako nodded, turning her face to watch Rei sleep. There was a gentleness to her expression that I had never seen before.
"I'll leave you two alone for a bit, I have the feeling that the others are going to want to check in on you two at some point so just tell them if either of you need anything." I told her, Minako nodded, her eyes did not leave Rei's features as she ran a hand over her back.
AN: Really short. Figured a shit update was better than no update. Had some family things crop up but basically they've sorted themselves out – unless one of my relatives is planning to hire an exorcist or something. Anyway, sorry for the wait; I sat down to write so many times but what came out wasn't relevant to this story. It was all about my own struggles with myself. So yeah. Hopefully the wait was worth it. Chapter 19 may be edited later on. Chapter 20 should be up in a month and a half or so, ideally before March 15, 11:59 PM Pacific ~ possibly flex time needed if the time change (daylight saving) fucks me up as much as last year.