******This chapter doesn't contain any smut, but is integral to the story. Thank you to all of my readers. ******

Quagmire had gotten dressed in his usual red Hawaiian shirt with yellow flowers, jeans, and brown shoes. He felt a little relieved, knowing that he wasn't trying to impress anyone that night. There was no need to dapper up, because his perfect woman would accept him the way he was. His only concern was figuring out where he would be able to meet such a woman. Eventually it occurred to him to check his newspaper for events occurring around Quahog. He went to retrieve his newspaper from the table, when he saw the envelope that was addressed to him again. Curiously, he opened the envelope to examine its contents:

Dear Mr. Quagmire,

You are casually invited to join my family in celebrating my 18th birthday. It's supposed to be a surprise party, but my dad is making me send out my own invitations after my mom asked him to do it. So I guess it's not really a surprise. The party will be held at 8PM tonight at our house. Feel free to show up any time. Gifts are not required, but always appreciated.

I hope to see you there,

Meg

Normally, the idea of spending his night at Meg's party would have been very unappealing. But, he wasn't currently preoccupied with finding a woman with hookup with. Perhaps Lois or Bonnie would know a nice woman that they could introduce him to. Maybe they would be unwilling to help him because of his track record with women. If he was serious about starting his quest for his perfect woman, attending Meg's lame party on a night that was usually reserved for prowling for women would be the perfect way to show everyone that he was ready for commitment.

After preparing and eating dinner, cleaning up and catching up on some TV, Quagmire headed over to the Griffin house. He arrived well after the party was supposed to have started, but upon entering the home, he found that he was the only guest that bothered to show up. Apparently Meg's family had given up on her party, and left her alone downstairs. She had been the one to answer the door and let him in.

"Oh, hi Mr. Quagmire. My dad is upstairs with my mom. I can get him for you if you're looking for him."

"Meg, I'm not looking for Peter. I came over for your birthday party. Speaking of which, Happy Birthday!" He handed her a small package that he had received in the mail. He assumed that it was the scarf that his mother knitted for him. He hadn't actually gotten around to opening it himself, but was in a hurry to find a present and get over to Meg's party.

"Thank you Mr. Quagmire! I'll put this over here, at my gift table". The table that she was referring to only had one other present on it. "I can open these after we eat cake. Let's go get some now." Quagmire followed Meg into the kitchen, where they found Brian, Chris, and Stewie finishing up the last few bites of what he presumed had been Meg's birthday cake. "You guys! What are my guests supposed to eat at my party?"

"What guests? Nobody likes you Meg! You couldn't even get Neil Goldman to come to your party!" Chris yelled at her.

"Listen Meg, we all know that no one was going to show up to your party. Chris, Stewie, and I were just getting rid of the cake so you didn't have to keep being reminded of this epic rejection. We were doing you a favor. You would've eaten this whole cake tonight, and you could stand to lose a few extra pounds anyways." Brian said, managing to sound like he was helping in between insults.

"Yeah Meg! You're such a cow! You'd better get out of here before the old man mistakes you for one and tries to turn you into a cheeseburger and eat you! MOO! MOO!" mocked Stewie.

Meg ran out of the kitchen crying, and retreated to her bedroom. Quagmire was still standing in the kitchen in shock. He'd never realized how truly horrible Meg's family, and everyone else for that matter, treated her. He knew how difficult it was to be misunderstood by the entire world. He decided that if he wasn't going to be bringing pleasure to some woman that night, he wanted to try and brighten Meg's spirits.

He left the kitchen and stopped by the gift table to grab the present he brought with him. The other had been addressed "To: Meg" and "From: Meg". He let out a sigh of disappointment before heading upstairs to Meg's room. He knocked on the door, but knew that she couldn't hear it through her loud crying. Quagmire opened her bedroom door and found her lying on her bed, weeping into her pillow. Slowly, he approached her bed before sitting on it. He placed his arm on her shoulder in an effort to comfort her.

"Hey there kiddo. The party tonight isn't such a big deal. Stuff like this happens all the time. Don't pay any attention to what those jerks said down there."

"No Mr. Quagmire. They're right. I'm just a huge loser and it's about time I accept that. Neil, the one guy that supposedly likes me, couldn't even be bothered to show up. I should just prepare myself for a lonely life, without any friends or family. I'd probably fail at being a cat lady because all the cats would run away or kill themselves. Please just leave me alone."

"You can't seriously believe that your life will turn out like that. I'm sure that the right guy, or girl, for you is out there somewhere. But you've got the rest of your life to worry about that. You should be celebrating today. Besides, the party isn't the best part about a birthday. The presents are. I have one for you right here. It's something that I believe will be very useful to you. Once you open it, I'll even model it for you."

After an audible **sniff, sniff** Meg turned to Quagmire, and took the gift out of his hands. As she began to open it, Quagmire got a small glimpse of the inside packaging. He could make out the word "Ring" and suddenly realized that he had made a grave mistake. He had placed an online order last week, and never expected to receive it this soon. It never occurred to him that the package would be anything other than a knitted scarf. But before he could do or say anything, Meg and finished opening her present.

"Uh… Mr. Quagmire?" Meg said hesitantly. "You gave me a cock ring?"