A/N: Not my best chapter. Sorry about that.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders or the song, Hate Me.

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head. They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed. Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone. Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.

"Can you believe the news?"

She looked up from her book seeing Marilyn's sparkling eyes staring her down. "What news?"

Marilyn beamed proudly. "Dallas Winston is gone."

Cherry made an uncertain face. "What?"

"Word is that after his fight with Michael he ran all the way to Texas. Texas! Must be really scared." She sat back and crossed her legs. "Can't blame him. Michael would have taken his face off if he hadn't gotten in a cheap shot first."

Cherry rolled her eyes and went back to her book. "He won't be gone for long, you have to know that."

"We gotta plan," she explained.

Cherry decided to play along. She had been spending most of her time at the James household. Marilyn had taken her under her wing again and welcomed her back into the circle with open arms. Cherry would stay in the pool house. It was all she had left right now. Marilyn was all she had left right now. "What plan?"

Marilyn leaned forward like it was a big secret she was proud to share. "Let's just say we're gonna make Winston pay for what he did to Sam."

Cherry made yet another face. "Dally didn't kill Sam."

Marilyn leaned back and lit a cigarette. "Damn. You're with a Greaser for a few months and now look at ya'." She blew out smoke. "Think you're really somethin' don't ya?"

"Don't say that," Cherry snapped. "You're the one going crazy over this...I thought you were done with Sam."

Marilyn's face twisted. "I am! He was still my friend! He was yours too if I'm not mistaken. Sorry if I want some freakin' justice for him!"

Cherry just shook her head. She knew how unreasonable she was being but there was nothing you could do when Marilyn got her head set on something. She obsessed. That's what she always did.

"Greasers changed you," she growled, crossing her legs and taking another blow.

Cherry closed her book, got up, and grabbed her coat. "Don't ever say that. Don't judge me or them. They're better people than you'll ever be."

Marilyn shot up. "If you don't like it, then leave! You'd be homeless if it wasn't for me. You're broke now Cherry. I'm only trying to help you and you just run back to them. If they're you're real people then go to them. Go!"

Cherry grabbed the door. "Marilyn, do you even hear yourself sometimes?"

"They're nasty," she hissed. "Retched, filthy people. I can't believe you were once with one. You caught whatever they did Cherry. It's all over your skin."

Cherry sighed, she didn't even turn around. "Then so are you Marilyn," she eyed her. "You keep forgetting who Randy's first love was."

Marilyn's face turned red. "He didn't love her."

"That's what he tells you." She stepped out the door. "You really need a wakeup call. Those people you like to bash...you'll never be as giving and kind as them."

Marilyn scowled. "I don't want to be like them. I'll never be like them."

"You hear 'bout the Socs plannin' that rumble?" Ponyboy asked as Soda hooked another worm to the line.

Soda grinned. "Sure did. I don't think that's going to happen though. They're just thinkin' big down there. Doesn't seem like it's going to pan out."

Ponyboy nodded and watched as Soda threw his line into the water. He really needed a day like today. School wasn't exactly on his side lately and he knew he's family had caught on and thus today resulted in a fishing trip.

Pony just didn't want to go anymore. Things had gotten so different there. All his friends were gone. Mark was in jail, Two-Bit only came when he felt like it, and Johnny was getting to be the same way. Anyway, he never really saw them much anyway. It was the people he did see that he didn't want to.

"Chip?" Soda asked handing the bag over.

Pony took one. "Hey, Soda, do you talk to that Jennie girl anymore?"

Soda sat back and enjoyed the sun as he watched his line bob up and down in the water. "Once in a while."

"She seems nice."

Soda nodded. "She's real secretive and stuff, man. When I asked her out the other night she wouldn't even let me come get her or take her home."

"Maybe a big ol' tough guy like you jus' scared her is all," Pony crack up.

Soda shook his head and smiled. "Yeah well, ain't you got all the answers?"

He only wished he did. He'd be lucky to score a girl like Jennie. She was too far out of his league for that. Soda always got the pretty girls. Look at Sandy. Every guy in town wanted Sandy. Ponyboy couldn't say he wasn't on that list either...or the list that thought about her late at night. She was Soda's though. They all run to Soda.

"So tell me," Soda said, opening a Pepsi. "Darry says you're close to failing two classes."

Pony felt his face go red. "I don't know. I don't like school anymore."

Soda knew that phrase. He'd said it himself plenty of times. "You don't even want to go anymore. You used to love school, Pone. Scary in a way, but you always wanted to go."

Ponyboy pressed his lips together and shrugged.

"People been givin' you trouble?" Silence. "You can tell me, Pone."

Ponyboy sat forward and stared off into the distance across the lake. "She changed her classes this semester. We had three classes together and she changed them the next day when she found out."

"Pone-"

"She won't talk to me...look at me." He leaned back in his seat. "I mean, I get it. She ain't supposed to anyway but..."

Soda stared at him. "She ain't got no reason to. Don't ever think she does."

There was silence again and all the boys could hear was the sound of bugs. Ponyboy had thought he was over this. He was in a way. He thought giving Cherry some time would do them both good then he heard that she was back with the head of the clan. Even living at her house. He couldn't help but feel like he'd lost her.

He did lose her.

"I'm sorry for this...you will still-"

"I won't tell. You gotta leave me and my family alone though. Don't come near us or I swear to God Randy..."

There was a box that used to sit in the back of my closet. I'm not sure how it got there. How I ended up with it. I kept it hidden though just like they told me. I did everything they told me to do.

A few months ago, right after Angela's death, I burned it and everything in it. I went to an old lot a few miles away and threw it in an empty bin. I poured gasoline over everything and lit a match. It and everything in it was gone in a matter of minutes. That should have been the end of it. It was supposed to help me.

No one had asked about the box. I don't know why we made it and kept what we did. It was supposed to be an easy job, just hide it. Get rid of it. We don't need it. It has to disappear. This is your only stinking job. Don't screw it up for God's sake!

At night, I could feel it sitting in the very back corner of my closet. Sometimes I could hear it calling me. Telling me about the horrible things I had done. It was proof of that. Nightmares came along with it. It'd become a nightly routine for me to run to Darry's room and camp out for the night. No matter how bad off I was, how hysterical, I kept my mouth shut. Just like they told me to do.

I couldn't touch it let alone really look at it so I kept it back there. I always wanted it out but I couldn't bear to touch it and remember what was inside. It held too many disturbing memories I didn't want to bring back. I knew if anyone were to search the house they'd find it but I couldn't do it.

Not until Angela's death could I get it out. It was then that I cared enough not to let myself get caught with it. I cared too much about my life. It wasn't until then that I had completely forgotten about everything that had happen. Everything was finally forgotten from my mind.

Until Sam died. Death brings new things to one's mind. Everything wakes up. Secrets surface. They always do.

Sometimes I wonder how your mind works. How you think of the things you do. What possibly could you have going on up there all the time?

Sex and beer mostly.

You're funny.

I'm a genius. You know first-hand I am. You wouldn't be here if I wasn't.

XxXx

"You miss him... a lot." She gazed up at me, her eyes hoping for an answer. Something she can help me with.

I shrugged and put another coat on my nails. "He hasn't called in a while..."

She didn't say anymore. Sarah suggested this. This girl's night thing. It was as if the world was walking on eggshells around me. Everyone. I hadn't even heard from Marilyn in days. No one says anything or tells me any updates. I'm just the volcano that's going to blow and they're doing all they can to stop it.

They don't know.

"I'm sorry," she said sincerely. She looked to the floor and bit her lip.

Sometimes I wanted to shake Sarah. I wanted to get in a fight with her. A good one. One where she'd yell and I'd yell and maybe one of us would end up in tears. Those are the best. She'd be my best friend. A wall would break and we could tell each other everything. I'd feel connected with someone like I once did.

I'd hope for the day she'd tell me off. Tell me to stop crying and whining and get off my ass. Stop walking on eggshells around me like I'm going to blow. Tell me my flaws. Tell me off...then pick me back up when I'd collapse.

That was Angela. Not Sarah.

"I wonder what he's doing down there," I admitted. "I wonder who he's with. Who he talks to. What he does all day for that matter. I just want to know."

She nodded. "I would too."

"Doesn't that sound like a little much?"

"No."

I started working on her toes. She didn't say anything else about it. I don't think she understands Dally and I. "What did Johnny say after your date?"

Her face lit up. She hugged her knees. "He had a good time. If only I could get him to go out again."

I smirked. "Don't worry about that." I closed the polish and grabbed another color. "I'll talk to him."

She looked confused. "You will?"

"Sure? We're friends, right?"

She stopped talking. I finished up her nails and she sat quietly, watching me. She didn't even move. It wasn't until I was done and looked up that I saw a few small tears in her eyes.

"Sar-"

"Can I ask you a question?" she asked quietly, wiping her face. "Did you...did you love your mom...before she died?"

I stared at her for a minute, her eyes looking more and more beautiful with each tear that feel. She looked different when she was sad. A lot different. "Of course I did."

She looked up at her ceiling. She stopped talking again and tried to calm her tears. "Are you really my friend?" she finally asked. "Like really?"

"Yes….You've never had a friend before, have you?"

She got up and got some tissues. She blew her nose and wiped away the tear stains from her face. "Me and my mom moved a lot. I've been to almost every state but three. I didn't really have much time to make friends."

She got that look on her face again. The same one she always got when she talked about her mother. "Where is she now? You said she was sick. How sick is sick?"

Sarah ignored the question. "Hospital."

"I've seen your back," I said quietly, crawling across the bed to get closer to her. "And your arm. You can tell me, Sarah."

Sarah wasn't like Angela. She was nothing like her. Yet right now, the look on her face, the guilt and shame in her eyes, she looked exactly like Angela. She looked like Angela always did. And like Angela, Sarah was good at hiding things. She was good at fixing it. Putting on that face and that make-up and going on.

"What did she do to you?"

Sarah went to her closet and grabbed some clothes and slowly went into the bathroom, closing the door lightly behind her.

I sat back against the bed board. I wondered what Dally was doing right now. In my mind he was sleeping. The T.V. would still be on, half the covers off, maybe some food still cooking or the stove on. That's what I kept in my head. Just that image.

Sarah came out after a while. She still didn't say anything as she crawled into bed beside me and pulled the blanket up and rolled over.

"Sarah-"

"She really is in a hospital," she said softly with a sniffle. "The cops sent her there after they came over and destroyed our house and took me to a hospital to get examined."

I got closer to her and placed my hand on her shoulder. She shivered.

She swallowed. "They wouldn't tell me anything or let me see her. I could hear her screaming though. They still wouldn't let me see her."

She went silent again. I peeled the covers back and lifted her shirt up and stared at the scar I had only seen parts of. I could see it in full view now. The redness and sadness packed inside. I ran my hand over it. "What happened to your back?"

"She threw a lamp at me. Hit me with it I guess." She paused. "That's not why the cops got her though. She was a good mom sometimes. She used to read and tell me stories every night. She couldn't have kids. That's what the doctors always told her. I was her miracle baby."

I rubbed her back gently. "She hurt you though, Sarah."

"They said she was unstable. That's why they sent her to that hospital. I can't even see her."

"She hurt you."

"She-"

"You don't deserve that. You're beautiful Sarah."

The silence filled the room. Sarah cried all night. She told me everything. The mental hospital, the guys she would bring home, the moving. Everything. She told me about living on the streets and in a bathroom.

"You can trust me," I told her. "I'm your friend."

"Are you really?"

I brushed the hair out of her face and smiled. "Yeah. Sarah we're really friends. Best friends."

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space.

A/N: So I'm curious, what do you guys think about Sarah? Like her, don't like her? Review please and I am awful sorry this is so slow. Next chapter should be up soon and should be a bit better. :)