Everything in the room was shades of white and grey; the floor, the bedsheets, the machinery, Eve's skin. She had lost all colour, her arms and legs webbed with pale blue veins, her closed eyes shadowed by dark circles. The only sounds were her breathing, and the cardiac monitor beeping in a way that was both annoying and reassuring.
Stood next to the curtain that ran around the bed, Ivy felt her initial optimism draining away with each rhythmic beep. The harsh reality of what her Evelyn had been through, was going through, hit her hard. She didn't know what she'd expected, but it definitely wasn't this.
She moved closer and sat down in a hard orange plastic chair, as close to the bed as she could be. With a lump in her throat that she couldn't shift, she lifted one of Eve's hands off her stomach, curling her fingers around it and stroking the wrist gently. The minutes went by in silence punctuated only by the low voices of the nurses and other patients with their visitors, shuffling footsteps, and the almost constant background beeping.
Eve stirred slightly, and her eyelids fluttered. Ivy leant forward carefully and reached out her free hand to stroke her lover's brow. "Evelyn?" she murmured. There was something about the room that made you automatically speak in a low voice. "Evelyn, it's me. It's Pamela."
Slowly, Eve opened her eyes fully, and they wandered for a second before focusing on Ivy's face. She smiled, and her eyes suddenly filled with tears. They didn't speak; they simply embraced as much as they could allow, arms holding each other close fiercely. Eve's slender body shook as she cried into Ivy's shoulder, her whimpering muffled slightly. Ivy was crying too while she stroked Eve's hair and held her tight. "It's okay, you're okay," she kept saying, repeating the words over and over, as much to reassure Eve as it was to convince herself of that very thing.
When they broke apart, Eve slowly returned to her position lying back against the pillows. Already she felt out of breath, and she pressed a hand to her chest in a subconscious gesture, feeling the bulk of the bandages underneath the thin hospital gown. It felt odd, knowing that underneath her body wasn't whole, wouldn't be for a while. She shivered suddenly, a memory of the white-hot pain of the bullet's impact flashing into her mind. Mortimer's face looming over hers, his hands gripping her arm, pressing the barrel of the gun against her head. She wrapped her arms around herself.
"What happened?" she asked in a cracked voice. "After I…you know." She looked at Ivy with a strange expression on her face; half of her really wanted to know, to get the events straight in her head, and the other half wanted to just shut it all away and never think of it again.
Ivy swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. "Let's leave that for now," she said decidedly. "You need to rest, and then they'll move you to Inpatients. You'll need to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks, the nurse said." She stuck to hospital talk, simple facts, rather than attempt to breach the tenuous barrier holding her feelings in check. Eve's wellbeing was more important than anything, and throwing a bunch of apologies at her when she could barely stay awake or hold a conversation wasn't fair. As painful as it was, she would wait.
"And you'll stay with me?"
The flash of fear in Eve's eyes was unmistakeable, and Ivy's heart ached when she saw it. "Of course I will," she said fervently, squeezing Eve's hands in hers.
Reassured for the moment, Eve closed her eyes and rested her head on the pillows again. "Thank you," she whispered. Her breathing slowed, and her body relaxed as she drifted into half-sleep. Ivy smiled even though it couldn't be seen, and watched her lover rest until the nurses came.
Eve had been moved into a large, sterile room, a few floors down from the PACU, but that was the only difference. The décor was basically the same – pale and bland, with a painting on one wall of something that may or may not have been a field of wheat, obviously designed in an attempt to be soothing. It was early afternoon by then, and the sky outside thick with grey clouds.
She had woken up a couple more times, but she found even sitting up and being part of a conversation to be exhausting. Mostly she had slept, and every time she closed her eyes Ivy wished more than anything to see them open again, along with the smile that lit up her face whenever they saw each other. She kept her eyes on Eve's face, avoiding the regulation hospital gown and the bandages peeking out from underneath - she'd seen the ugly wound that was now hidden, and she didn't want to see it again. Not on her Evelyn's body.
With her free hand, she reached up to stroke Eve's hair, gently pushing the chocolate-brown strands off her forehead. She hated feeling like this - helpless, miserable, frustrated. She wished she could help with her healing salves, but even if she'd had access to them now they would only help with the bruises and scarring. The internal injury, the hole that tunneled through Eve's chest and out the other side, was beyond her reach. And no amount of salve would be able to tackle the mental scars of what her love had been through – that would take love, encouragement, and time, which were fortunately all things that Ivy had for her in abundance.
The door creaked open and one of the nurses walked in. She nodded at Ivy but thankfully didn't ask her to leave. Dutifully, she picked up the clipboard at the end of Eve's bed and measured the results against the various screens in the room - she seemed satisfied and turned to leave, then paused in the doorway.
"I know you don't want to leave her," she said slowly, addressing Ivy in the calm, reassuring cadence that all medical staff must be taught at some point in their lives. Her voice had a residual Southern twang, softened by time spent further north. "Can I get you anything? Some water? A magazine?"
Ivy stared at her, frowning. This was the first time any of the staff checking on Eve had spoken to her directly - the rest of them just worked around her as if she wasn't there. She thought for a second. "Water would be nice, thank you," she said carefully.
The nurse smiled and left the room, returning a few minutes later with a plastic cup of cold water and one of the pre-packaged portions of cookies they brought around with the snack trolley. "Listen, um, Pamela, isn't it?" she said haltingly. Ivy nodded. "I know it's like being stuck in limbo in this place, when you're not the one in the bed. So I just wanted to say, there's no shame in taking some time away from the bedside. Take a little walk. You wouldn't be abandoning her. She's in good hands." She smiled again, all straight white teeth, rosy cheeks, and shiny blonde hair.
Ivy sighed. The nurse was right, same as the one who'd come to the waiting room to give her the news of the operation. She'd been happy to look after herself then, but now she'd seen the true state that her Evelyn was in it felt somewhat selfish. "I just don't want to miss it...if she wakes up and I'm not here for her. I'd feel so guilty," she murmured.
"I understand," the nurse said, nodding sagely, "but don't you think she'll feel guilty too, if she sees that you've let yourself go hungry and thirsty and without sleep just to stay in that chair? I promise I'll look after her, if you take a little time to look after yourself. We have a garden; it's a good place to sit and relax, take a breather. Follow the green signs in the corridors, and mind you take a jacket, at least." She adjusted the blinds and headed for the door again. "And if I come back in ten minutes and you're still here, I'll take you there myself." She was joking, Ivy could tell. She waved and left the room.
Ivy lingered at first, still stroking the back of Eve's hand with her thumb, but she knew the nurse had a point. Eventually she stood, silently coaxing the leaves on her body to cover her arms further, and gathered her hair up into a braid over her shoulder. While she knew that there was no chance the nurse had recognised her, she still felt slightly safer with this extra layer of disguise, along with a more human skin tone.
She leaned over and placed a fleeting kiss on Eve's forehead. "I'll be back soon, my love," she whispered. "Sleep well. Get well." Her voice caught in her throat and she hurriedly left the room, wandering around the sprawling corridors until eventually she found a sign above a large set of double doors labelled 'Healing Garden' in curlicue script.
The garden was quite large, and completely empty, the cold weather having kept everyone inside. Gravel paths wound between trees completely bare of leaves. It was enclosed on all sides with buildings, but a small amount of daylight managed to make its way down through the clouds above. There were benches scattered around, and a fountain in the very centre, filling the air with the pleasant sound of water trickling over stone.
Paused in the doorway, Ivy took a long, deep breath of fresh winter air and felt her shoulders relax from where they'd been hunched up by her ears. She hadn't realised how tense her body had been. As she looked out over the garden, a robin flew across the space quick as a flash, and she smiled slightly.
She wandered through the garden, her fingers brushing tree trunks and bushes as she passed, familiarising herself with the plants and what they had seen. She felt their sadness - they had seen so many sick and dying people come through here, children included - and their pride, having brought a little peace to countless worried and grieving friends and relatives over the years. She felt the indignation of one tree in particular, annoyed because the smokers always threw their cigarette butts underneath it, and the joy of another that had two robins courting in its branches. They told her their stories and she took them all in, drawing on their strength and ageless power to quell the worry inside her.
It was lovely to be outside again, but as lovely as it was, she already felt strange for having been away from Evelyn. It was as if part of her was missing, still up in the room with her lover, and she wasn't complete without being by her side. Saying goodbye to the trees, she hurried back into the building, and returned to Eve's room to see her sitting up in bed, trying to get comfortable. She turned to the door when Ivy entered and gave her a big smile.
"Hey, you," she said, sounding exhausted. "Where did you go?"
Ivy knew what a genuine Eve smile looked like, and this wasn't it; it didn't reach her eyes. She could tell something was wrong, but she wouldn't push. Eve would open up to her when she wanted to, like a flower in bloom. "I was in the garden," she said slowly, approaching the bed and kissing Eve gently on the lips.
Eve nodded, as if that explained everything. "Do you feel better now?"
"A little." Ivy perched on the edge of the mattress and took Eve's hands in hers once more, wanting to feel close to her. "i just...I needed to clear my head. Sorry I left you."
"That's okay, I get it. I suppose it's hard for you to stay stuck in any building for a long time, let alone in a hospital." Eve's tone was light and conversational and completely false. "At least I have the magic morphine button..."
There was a moment's pause. It was strange - they both had so much to say to each other, and were holding it back for the same reason. Neither of them wanted to unleash their emotional burden on the other. So instead, the two reunited lovers who actually had many things to be happy about sat in awkward silence.
A few minutes passed, and Eve couldn't bear it any longer. She was already thoroughly worn out, and she had too much to say, too much to apologise for. Her careful composure began to slip, and her voice caught in her throat when she spoke. "You don't think I blame you, do you?"
Ivy stared at her, frowning. "Whether you do or not, I blame myself."
"Don't be an idiot." Eve sat up a little straighter, wincing at the pain in her chest. "None of this would have happened if I'd just left you alone, but I fell in love with you, and I thought it would all be okay." She paused, avoiding eye contact and looking out of the window instead. Her eyes were shining with tears threatening to spill. When she next spoke, it sounded as if she were ashamed. "I didn't think anything bad could come from loving you...not if you loved me back."