Chapter V: I care

There is a ruckus. Chaos surrounding me. But I enjoy it. The quick movements.

The satisfying feeling of thinking about the answer, putting it into play and seeing how it actually works.
Today is kind of a blur, one of those days I hardly get time to think. I think of them as my happiest, most carefree days. Ironically it's these days that make all my problems stand out even more.
But as I do my rounds, which is a very long list of patients that will keep me busy till close to midnight, I don't let my mind wander about it. Most of my patients are shinobi.
As I enter one door particularly, I can see the man's eyes lit up. I try to play it coolly, and for the most part, I manage to succeed. I hide my blush. I normally pretend to disapprove. Well, at least in most cases.
Because that is how you have to behave. Not just as a professional medic.
You never just indulge in a compliment. You always have to keep your guard up. That is simply how it is with every being. Man or woman. Human or animal.

Even your loved ones could feast upon your flesh.

But inside, I have the pleasing feeling of being find attractive. To be find beautiful. To be wanted.
Yet… whenever I look back, I cannot return the feeling. Nothing.

Well, either that or their significant other enter the room. I read on my paper their state of marriage or see the number two at the amount of children question.

I sigh.

I let myself fall onto a chair. I'm tired, I acknowledge to myself yet I smile when a colleague passes my by.
'Sakura,' a familiar voice calls out. I turn around, truly smiling when hearing the familiar voice.
'Tsunade,' I nod.
She invites me for a drink. I never decline an invite.

We talk about a lot of things. Work. Kakashi. Naruto. Even Sasuke.
I take her in and realize my whole world is based on her. My mentor. A mother.
I can't imagine my life without you. I would still be that weak, timid girl, if it weren't for you. We've worked so hard to become what we are… you worked so hard to make me this person.
With that thought, I feel my heart break. I see how your mouth stops moving.
'What is it?' you ask me.
I try to swallow my pain. I don't like this person. I feel… lonely being this person.
I admit that for the first time to myself. Yet I can't find the strength to do so out loud. To say those words to you…
'I just…'
She lowers her gaze, looking at her drink before taking a sip of it.
'Don't worry,' I hear her murmur. 'I know you feel lonely.'
I don't know why but I feel like the entire café has quieted down and heard you say that. As my eyes go through the room, I can say with certainty that no one has heard a word of what we have been saying.
I take a deep breath, feeling my hands tremble. I aimlessly swirl the glass around, trying to hide my anxiousness.
'I feel lonely too,' she then admitted. 'I miss them… I know you—she halted, uncertain of how to put the words. I don't' know if I want her to continue or not. I can see her think.
'You know after a while, you get used to it...'
I don't know if you are talking about me or yourself. Your cool eyes look directly into mine. It makes me feel as if you are looking into my soul.
It scares me.
'I knew from the moment I saw you, you would, someday, endure this… agony. You were a bit unrealistic as young girl.'
Anyone else saying that to me would get punched but when it comes out of your mouth, I nod and admit to myself that that is the absolute truth.
'So what do I do?' I ask her.
This conversation is turning into a blur. I suddenly can't remember getting to this point. It all feels unreal too. Maybe it is because I'm now saying words out loud I normally don't even dare to say in my mind.

I ask myself if I am dreaming.

'After a while, you… let go,' she said stern. 'You let go of the vision you've made up. You accept it. You care less of how it could be and see how it is. Which is not half as bad as you think it is.'
I frown, uncertain what to say.
'A lot has happened, maybe you need some time to give it all a place…in your head. And in your heart,' she points at me chest. 'I know you imagined Sasuke by your side…'
I can tell you are uneasy by mentioning his name this time. I can feel my heart beat loudly when I place my hand on it in response to your gesture.
I know you hate hurting me as much as I hate hurting you.
So I nod in understanding and never dare to utter the names of your loved ones.
I wanted to say you had a fragment of what could've been… You had your little bit of heaven.
'Maybe,' I mumble. You change the subject and I listen less intently and think about the words you said.

After a while you care less.

But I know you now care less because you've had your life. You are twice my age and older and I understand your vision, you have loved. You have hurt. You have cried but…
I… have not. I have yet to love. To cry. To feel.
I still long for the same things as I did as a young girl.

Above all… I still care.