Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders or I'm So Sick.

I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart. I will break, break. I'm so sick, infected with where I live. Let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness I'm so sick.

"Danni, Ponyboy, can you come down here for a minute?"

Kathy had been here for three days now. I hadn't seen Darry. He spends most of his time at the hospital. He told us he was going to work but we knew he wasn't going to work. He hadn't worked since this happened. He hadn't done much of anything since this happened which shocked us all. Maybe Darry knew something we didn't. Maybe he was hiding something from us. Either way, this wasn't Darry. Pony had been to the hospital. He only went once and I don't think he wanted to go back. That told me enough to keep my distance. I wasn't ready to see him yet. I might never be ready.

Pony and I went down stairs. There they were, standing in our living room. They didn't look like themselves. Sure they were beaten and burned, but they were different. I've never seen them in this house like this. Their body language was different. Their expressions were different. They weren't themselves. Though, none of us really were.

"What are you guys doing here?" Pony asked, going over to them.

Steve had his hands in his pockets, looking like he didn't want to talk much. Two-Bit answered for the both of them, "We wanna talk. Superman here?"

Kathy left us alone. I went over and stood in front of them. I didn't look at Two-Bit's leg. I didn't want to see it. "No. We haven't seen him all day."

Steve and Two-Bit exchanged a look. Ponyboy stared at them. "What is it?"

Steve and Two-Bit directed us to have a seat. We did and they sat down across from us. Steve's face was hard as stone. He had no intention of speaking. His mind was in a different state right now and none of us pressed anything. Two-Bit, he could barely walk. Emily called last night once he got out of the hospital. He'd be alright...for right now.

Two-Bit cleared his throat. "Do you guys...do ya'll know what happened the other night?"

Pony and I both looked at each other, unsure of what he actually meant. "I guess," Pony answered. "Why?"

Steve took a seat, leaving it up to Two-Bit to explain everything. Now that I think about it, I hadn't heard Steve say a word since that night. Two-Bit would always speak, but there was something holding him back. It's not every day we see Two-Bit Matthews with nothing to say. Pony and I stared at them.

Two-Bit rubbed his hands together and found a seat beside Steve. "How's So?"

Steve kept his eyes on the ground. I found myself just looking at him and nothing else. He baffled me. He hadn't been to the hospital yet. I haven't either but...maybe Steve and I weren't all that different. Maybe he was staying away because of something too.

"Nothing new," Ponyboy said solemnly. "Docs don't know nothing."

Two-Bit nodded. He tried one more time to get Steve to respond but there was nothing there. Two-Bit sighed and turned back to us. "That night, man. It was crazy...it was hell. Fuck, it looked like hell."

"Were you with Soda?" I asked.

Two-Bit looked at the ground. His face turned white and he paused for a minute. "Danni-Bear, I..."

Steve cleared his throat, being heard this time. "Yeah."

Everyone's eyes went to him. It was as if he hadn't said anything or moved. He had no reaction on his face. It was like he was dead inside. Maybe he was. Who would blame him?

"What happened?" Pony asked to no one in-particular. "How did it..."

Two-Bit didn't want to answer but it looked as if Steve had said all he had for the night. I centered my eyes on Two-Bit's hand as it began to shake as memories came flooding back to him. "It's my fault."

"Don't," Steve snapped, very angry. It was fierce and mean and bitter. He said it again, "Don't."

Two-Bit scowled at him, getting angry himself. "Shut the fuck up, Steve! You know it's true."

Steve's eyes were still on the floor, staring at his shoe. He shook his head and said in the same tone as before, "You know it's not."

Ponyboy popped up, stepping into the argument. "What are ya'll-"

Two-Bit slammed his fist down on the chair. This was something new. Something we have yet to see. Sadness was over. This was the next stage. Anger. "Look at you! Boo fucking who Steve! If it hadn't been me on that ground you damn well know ya'll both woulda' gotten out! Don't bullshit me! I know you would have gotten him out!"

Steve's hand gripped the arm of the chair, his veins popping out. "I didn't, did I? I got you!"

Ponyboy put his hands up and stood up, trying to draw their attention to him. "What are ya'll talking about?"

"Well I'd be glad to take it back!" Two-Bit shouted directly in Steve's twisted face. "I'd take his place in a damn heartbeat! You know that. He ain't just your friend, Steve. He ain't! I was there too. You don't think I don't feel the same as you? Or are you just mad it was me you got out and not him?"

Steve faced Two for the first time, his face twisted with all kinds of anger. I think I might have saw a pinch of tears in his eyes. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I got you out! You're damn right I did! I'd do it again too. Don't think for one minute I wouldn't! I'm the one who didn't go back for him though, Two. You don't have to live with that! I do!"

There was silence. Two-Bit had nothing to say back for once. Instead he got up, and he went out the back door. No one said anything to stop him. He just needed a minute. We all just needed a minute to breathe.

Ponyboy spoke first, "Steve, wha-what happened that night? C'mon, I know you don't like me but-"

"I don't not like you."

I got up from the couch and stretched my back out. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared directly at Steve. It was obvious what happened. I wanted to hear it though. "Tell us. Tell us now."

Steve cleared his throat and told us everything. Two-Bit came in through the middle of it and stood, watching Steve retell their nightmare. He told us about Two-Bit being hurt and carrying him out. He told us about Soda falling behind and then falling out of sight. He told us about not going back and running with Two-Bit to town to get some help.

"I tried to go back for him afterwards."

Two-Bit stepped forward. "You did?"

Steve nodded, not looking at Two-Bit. "After they got you in the ambulance. It was the fastest I've ever ran in my life, man." He shook his head. "It was too big though. The cops kept pushing me back. Next thing I know, I'm at the hospital with ya'll."

There was another spurt of silence. I couldn't help but still look at Steve though. My eyes watered. I imagined Pony to be mad and I think he was, but I wasn't. I wasn't in the least. I could see myself in Steve. You try so hard, only to have life throw you back down. Steve tried hard. He did everything he could and that still wasn't enough. It's never enough. Saving someone while someone else dies is never enough. Not in most people's books.

I didn't have to sympathize with Steve. I felt what he was feeling already. He blamed himself. We were all blaming ourselves. It's said that it's hard for man to see their faults and take responsibility for something that went wrong but here we are. All three of us in this room blamed ourselves for one person's take down. I'm sure Darry was up there as well and deep down, I knew Randy and Marilyn felt the same way. How could they not?

It wasn't Steve's fault though. It wasn't Two-Bit's and it wasn't Darry's or Pony's. Fate has its ways and this was going to happen this way. That was the script and fate followed one script and one script only. Fate happens. Fate has another name though...karma.

"Have you seen him yet?" Pony asked the both of them, already knowing the answer.

Two-Bit nodded. He had for a brief moment while he was in the hospital himself. Steve changed the subject fast. "That Jane girl...you know her?" Steve asked me.

I snapped back and nodded. "Kinda. I got to school with her. Why?"

"She's dead," he said with no emotion. Just like that. "Cops think she started the fire. They think someone else too but they don't know yet. It's all up in the air if you know what I mean."

My heart was beating fast because at that moment, I knew why Marilyn had so much blood and ash on her. Jane couldn't have started that fire herself. The blood was on Marilyn's hands...and she knew it. This was her punishment.

To: Danielle Curtis:

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, DANNI.

He sat beside the bed in the chair that had his butt imprinted on it. He might as well take it home after this was over. His butt print would probably be permanently printed in this seat. He had spent so much time here, the nurses knew him by name. Spending so much time here wasn't going to bring anybody back though. He knew that. Maybe he was just saying good bye.

So many things had tugged on his heart. Dallas Winston, one of his best friends, was going to be locked away forever. The kid didn't deserve that. He was just a kid after all. He had the rest of his life to live not behind bars for crime he didn't commit. A crime he was taking the blame for. He was taking it for his little brother. He was taking it for his family. For his blood.

Here Darry sat, looking at his blood. His family. His baby brother. Darry had one job left by his parents: Protect the family. Protect your brothers and sister. Make sure nothing happens to them. He was supposed to prevent this. He should have known Sodapop was going to fight. He knew him well enough to know that that was the plan all along.

He had failed. Superman had failed. He didn't deserve that name anymore. He couldn't save anyone.

"Hey buddy," he spoke quietly, combing through Soda's thick locks. "How you holding up today? These nurses treatin' you alright?"

He knew his little brother would love the staff here. Lots of pretty girls to look at. He knew Soda would be jumping up and down, calling them in here every half hour to check up on him. Soda liked to flirt and Darry, as his big brother, had taught him all his moves.

Darry stroked the knuckles on Soda's hands. The knuckles that was scrapped and burnt. Darry couldn't look at his face too much so he stared at these knuckles on this hand. It was the only thing not taped or blackened by ash. He didn't look like the handsome one anymore. He probably never would. Darry hung his head.

He thought a lot about that night. He was told Soda was home with Danni and Sarah, talking to Jennie on the phone and cleaning the house. He was looking forward to coming home to some chocolate cake that Soda always cooked when he cleaned. He never got it.

He could kick himself for not seeing it. Pony and Danni had been acting funny. He even called them out on it. He thought it was Ponyboy trying to get in on it or Danni doing something stupid to save Dally. Darry was looking in all the wrong places.

"Danni ain't coming here," Darry told Soda. "She's just toning it out. You know, Dan. She'd rather not think about it. Don't take it the wrong way. It's just how she works. You should know that better than anyone though."

He thought about her and Dally. Sodapop did everything he could for them. Weeks after the Jeff incident, Darry hadn't fully accepted Dally and it was always Soda trying to mend that relationship. Soda glued the family that wasn't family, back together. They were finally the gang again and not just five boys and a couple. Soda was always the glue...to everything.

Darry wiped his face. He couldn't think like this or of these things. He had to many things telling him different things. Darry hadn't decided what he thought of this yet. This stupid rumble everyone seems to be talking about. He enjoyed rumbles in his day. This wasn't a damn rumble though. He didn't know the history and he didn't care. All he knew was that his little brother was here...dying.

His pulse stayed the same. The machine beeped and it seemed like he was alright but the doctors told Darry different things. Soda's leg was broken. Three cracked ribs. Third degree burns. Lung damage. The fireman who rescued Soda told Darry he carried him out himself and Soda wasn't breathing. It was a miracle that once on the ambulance, he grew a breath.

Miracles. Soda made them every day. He was shot in a blood bath war and he came home. When he was five he jumped in a ten foot deep pool, not knowing how to swim and he made it back then. Soda was a fighter. He fought so hard.

Darry knew better though. He knew this time was different. He saw the damage. Soda already looked dead. He knew he was in pain and Soda could only put up a fight for so long. His fighting had ran out. Soda was dying...he was already gone. It was just that no one wanted to admit it. Sodapop was gone. His fighting was done. Miracles run out.

"Don't leave me buddy," he cried, gripping Soda's hand and holding it up to his face. "God, don't leave me, So!"

There was a tap on the door and Darry quickly composed himself and turned around to see the doctor standing at the door. He smiled politely at him. "Can I have a word?"

Kathy had the television on anything that wasn't the news. We already knew the top story. It had been the top since it happened. I sat wrapped in a blanket beside Kathy, Pony on the other side. It was getting late and none of us had heard from Darry. Kathy ordered pizza a minute ago and we ate it in here. She has trying to help things.

I didn't tell anyone about the letter sitting up in my room. The letter I had gotten saying just a few words. Someone claiming they knew. I thought about calling Randy. Randy didn't do it though and Randy, at the moment, wasn't my friend. For a long time I always thought he was, even after we broke up. I guess I didn't see it then. I didn't see the Socs side of Randy until this happen. You find out people's true colors in intense circumstances though, right?

Kathy got up to make popcorn when the door opened. The sun was just going down. He had been there all day basically. He shrugged his jacket off and hung it up, not saying anything for a while.

Kathy reentered the room. "Hey."

"Hey."

Kathy looked at us, unsure of what to say next. None of us had really had a conversation with Darry in days besides her. "How is he?"

Darry turned and faced us now. His face was swollen and red. His body was slumped and his breathing was fast. He looked directly at Pony and me. "We should talk."

He sat down in front of us. Kathy stood behind him, chewing on her nails. My heart leaped and then I felt a hand on mine. Ponyboy.

Darry leaned over and put his hands together, trying to come up with something to say. "I spoke to the doctor today. We had a long talk and there's no easy way to say this. He thinks we should...pull the plug on Soda."

The hand holding onto mine squeezed. I opened my mouth, but was stopped. "You mean kill him?"

"No, Pone," Darry said, leaning towards him as if he want to touch him. Hug him. "Pone, no. The doctor just thinks-"

"What does he know?" Pony yelled, his hand leaving mine. "Darry you're not...you ain't gonna do that are you?"

I saw Kathy. She moved into the kitchen, her hand over her mouth. Darry looked at the ground. This was hard for him. I didn't want to hear him say it. I'd heard enough, myself. "Yes."

Pony jumped up, pacing around the room. "No! No, Darry! I won't let you! There are laws against this. How could you...how could you agree to that? Kill him! He's our brother, Darry! You didn't even talk to us? Darry you can't do that!"

Darry got up to, completely ignoring me sitting there and putting all his energy in Pony. "You don't think this is hard for me? I got to do what's best for Soda. You think he wants to sit in that bed and rot?"

Tears poured down Pony's face. "You ain't God, Darry!"

"I ain't tryin' to be!" Darry was getting angry now. I saw it coming. I saw the breaking point from both ends. "I'm doing what I think is right! I'm not going to sit back and watch my little brother slowly die. It's my choice and it's already been made!"

Pony opened his mouth, but it wasn't his turn. "When?" I asked and they turned to me. "When?"

Darry sighed and rubbed his head. "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Pony shouted, more tears coming. "Darry you can't be serious!"

My body hurt. It physically hurt. I didn't want this yelling to go on. It was making me hurt more. I could feel Pony. He was my twin and I felt what he felt. All the hope he had gathered up had just been yanked out from under him. All the lies he told, they were catching up to him and Pony was breaking. Guilt was eating him away.

"Pony, don't start!"

Kathy stood by the kitchen door now, just watching. She had tears in her eyes. Pony covered his head and sobbed. "Isn't there some other way? Darry, please, please don't do this!"

"I'm sorry, Pone." Darry reached out to him. "Pone, I'm sorry."

Pony shook his head, running from Darry's embrace. He ran out and slammed the door behind him. Darry started to go after him but then stopped. Pony needed some time right now. He was hurting and he was hurting bad. He'd be back.

Darry turned and faced me now. "Danni-"

"I'm not mad," I cleared up quickly before standing up. I wiped away the tears that were gathering up in my eyes. "He's just upset. Don't...don't let him get to you. He's just hurting. He's not blaming you."

"Are you?"

I shook my head and went to the door. I put my jacket on. I hid my face from Darry. "I just...I need some air."

I sprinted out into the freezing cold air. It made my throat burn as I ran across the neighborhood and into town. My tears were blurring my vision but it didn't matter right now. Maybe something would hit me. Maybe I'd run into something. I didn't care. Not now.

I ran until I got to an empty field. Everything was spinning around me. My legs began to feel weak and I stumbled, falling to the ground. I sobbed. It was hitting me too. The letter, Soda, Steve, Randy...everything was hitting and so I sit here, crying as hard as I can cry, hoping that somehow, it'd make everything better.

Crying never does.

I felt it now. Karma. Was this it? If it wasn't, then I didn't want to know what was. Two years I carried this and now, right here, it was coming out. All the tears that were forced back, they were being set free. Here you go world. You win. Here I am.

Two years ago...that's when it all started. And we're paying for it.

"I'm sorry," I screamed as loud as I could scream. They needed to hear it. He needed to hear it. "I'm sorry!"

Hear it, I'm screaming it. You're heeding to it now. Hear it! I'm screaming it! You tremble at this sound. You sink into my clothes. And this invasion. Makes me feel worthless, hopeless, sick.