Chapter XI: Reflection

I've blame myself. I've isolated myself. I stare at the mess I've made in my apartment.
I let out a heavy sigh.

I've thought these thoughts over and over in my mind. And I had thought that it would get better with time. And yet here I am. Thinking again. Only these blank walls staring back at me.
Yet now, I realize I am partly responsible for the state I find myself in.

I wanted to show the world I was not a whinny, little girl anymore.

I told myself it would get better once I had this or that.
Once I got stronger.
Once I got smarter.
Once I had more achievements of my own.
Once I would get over you… Sasuke.

Now I feel like I'm neither this or that. Most of the time… I feel insecure. Foolish.

Above all, tired.

I feel like I'm running out of time…

This emptiness… I feel a sharp pain pierce my heart. I try to swallow, focusing my thought on anything else. But feel myself drown in it again.

I let my head rest on my knees, taking deep steady breaths to calm myself down.

I hate… being alone. I'm scared being like this for the rest of my life. What if… this agony never ends?

I thought if I reached out for you, you'd come. You would come after me.

You.

I don't even know who you are.

Change. I have to make a change. And I already know whatever it is won't be found in my usual routine. I've tasted hunger and… I want more of it.

Should I go out? Should I go against my feelings? Dare to go beyond these walls I've build up?

I hear a knock. I look up, startled. I had not even sensed anyone at my door. I don't know who it is. The lights are out. My house has stayed unmoved for the last week. So, I figure I'll just pretend I've not come home yet. I remain unmoved and put my head to rest against my arms again.

Whoever it is not very persistent. He immediately leaves.

Or so I think.

I hear my window screech open.

I hit my head lightly against my forearms, I had forgotten that I had opened it up when entering to get rid of the must smell than hung in the air.

'Sakura?'

'Kakashi?' I ask surprised.

He isn't wearing his formal attire as a Hokage. He looks a lot like the old Kakashi, slouching lightly, wearing a lazy expression. He puts his hands in his pockets and says nothing.

I look around, noting I had pretty much ruined my entire interior. I then note only deaf people would be under the presumption that I was not home. I avert my eyes, feeling anything but ashamed. I just don't want to explain myself.

'I assume you have yet to write your report?' he sardonically asks which makes me snicker. I simply nod my head. 'Yeah,' I mumble.

'I got a message from Sasuke.'

I widen my eyes and look up to him, alerted by a whole lot of things. Had Sasuke said something? Had something happen? I suddenly felt guilty and irresponsible for leaving like that.

'He asked if you had returned safely,' he says while looking around. He then proceeds to walk towards me and reaches out his hand for mine. I find it a bit of peculiar thing to do but I accept it and he gracefully helps me get up.

'I did,' I mutter under my breath while turning away from him. I hadn't wrecked the kitchen, so I should lure him in there, I think to myself. Get him some tea…

'Orochimaru did not approach you again?' he asks on a worried tone.

I turn on my heels, startled to say the least. We stare at one another for a few seconds until I finally answer with a short "no".

A silence lingers between us that makes me feel utterly uncomfortable.

'Tea?' I ask on a lighter tone.
'Please,' he nods, following my lead.

You could say what you want about Kakashi but he had a way being thoughtful without forcing it. Not asking any questions was the nicest thing I could think of him doing.

'I…' I feel nervous talking to him about this. He hasn't been my mentor for a very long time and I'm not used to having these types of conversations with him. Above all, he is Hokage now, a man I find the least need to express my feelings to.

'Sasuke asked for you to return,' he then says. 'Though he did not state why.'

I blankly stare at him. Actually, I'm probably gaping like a fish. Upon realizing that I close my mouth and try to drink my steaming cup of tea.

'What happened?' he simply asks, tilting his head to make eye contact.

I look up. Tempted to answer the question.

'It is… very unlike Sasuke to do such a thing. Yet from what I can tell,' he doesn't look behind him but it is obvious what he is talking about. 'Things are not what they seem.'

'I told him… how I felt.'

Kakashi stays quiet. It is clear he's uncomfortable having this conversation too. 'Tsunade is out of town,' he then says. 'She asked me to keep an eye on you.'

I know this is Kakashi's way of being honest with me. Not that he isn't interesting in what I'm about to say, he just doesn't want me to hear of it afterwards and come off as a jerk. I smile, the fact that he is hear despite his busy schedule, says enough. The fact he spends, his probably only free time, with me says more than enough.

'Though I already told the guards to inform me when you'd return…'

I simply nod, noting how stupid I was for thinking I could fool him by pretending to not be at home.

'Kakashi,' I start, for the first time not finding it weird to not call him sensei anymore. Maybe I've grown a lot more then I think I have in the last few days. I do feel a clarity in me. I just don't know what do with what I used to call the unknown.

It is now a big aching gap in me that I long to fill.

'I don't know what to do.'

'What do you want to do?' he simply asks.

'I don't want to go back,' I answer, realizing he was still talking about Sasuke. 'I'm not interested in Orochimaru's offerings or… Sasuke's.'

'What do you want?' he then asks me more intense. His dark eyes bore into mine and for a moment I feel like that little girl again who had just met him.

'I… don't want to go back,' I speak up louder, this time referring to something else. I don't want to go back to where I was a week ago. I don't want to ponder about the past anymore. About Sasuke or how I once felt about him. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want more in life.

'I didn't send you out on that mission just for no good reason,' he then starts. 'I admit, I had thought you and Sasuke would end up together… somehow. Well, it doesn't matter. You seem to know now what you want, right?'

I stay silent, noting Kakashi had picked up on the fact I was indeed no longer think about all of the things that could've been. Pondering on what I should tell this man, I suddenly start thinking of his past. Obito. Everything that had happened and the events leading to it. I feel a bit foolish for having the feelings I harbor inside. My agony is self-pity while his is true pain. Loss, betrayal…

'You must think I'm very stupid,' I suddenly say, clasping my hand after I said the words out loud.

He raises his eyebrows in surprise. I try to explain myself without making me look like a bigger idiot.

'All of this,' I say, my hands signaling the mess in the living-room and myself. 'Must come off as very futile compared to what is going on in the real world… I feel so stupid for even indulging— 'I ignored how I truly felt for the longest time,' he cuts in. He isn't angry. Or sad. He teaching me again, like all those years ago.

'It consumed me from the inside out. I was an easy prey for people like Orochimaru. I've done foolish and… unforgivable things. You're not selfish. Or silly. You're feelings matter, Sakura. You will always find things to belittle them against but that doesn't give you an excuse to ignore them.'

I gape at him again. Wording things I've thought myself, down to the very last part. Though, only on rational days, a snippy voice adds in my head.

'I remember…' He looks away, out the tiny round window in my kitchen. 'Feeling a lot of negative emotions… I had a hole in me and I tried to fill it with hate and anger till at one point all I felt was tiredness.'

He then looks back at me.

'I guess I've… I've ignored myself for a long time,' I say with a trembling voice and a blush. I feel weird saying this out loud. To him, of all people.
'But I'm afraid I'll drown in this… darkness,' I mutter holding back a sob. I don't understand why I am being so emotional.

'We all have some darkness inside of us… the fact you recognize it, makes you an incredible strong woman,' he softly answers with a mild smile. 'I think even Sasuke recognize that now.'

I stare for as long as I can until I have to blink. I feel a tear and embarrassedly I wipe it off my cheek.

'Ino has thrown a birthday party for Sai,' he then says with a forced smile. 'It wouldn't be very polite of us to not go, as his former teammates…'

I smile back, knowing that last part was something Ino had screamed accusingly into his ears. But instead of declining as I always did, I saw the invitation as a sign. 'Let's go,' I nod, feeling somewhat enthusiastic about the idea.

'Kakashi,' I say as we head out, halting him.

'Does it ever stop?'

'It gets a lot better,' he answers with a smile. I pass him by and he closes the door behind us.

I'm a lot more content about this chapter then I was with the one before. Hope you liked it too!