Chapter XII: Change

There was music playing behind us, yet here out in the open it was rather quiet. A cold night breeze softly sweeps through my hair, calming my thoughts. I let out a content sigh.
'Thank you,' I quietly say. 'Thank you for listening and… being a true friend.'
'You're welcome.' You quietly mumble back, in a typical aloof Kakashi manner. You look over your shoulder for a moment. 'I won't be staying too long…'
I shake my head, smiling, 'Of course not, a Hokage has greater matters to attend to!'
You smile but sheepishly scratch your head. 'Not really but a good sleep once in a while is… heaven.'
'Haha!' I can't help but laugh out loud, noting his worrying mind probably rarely gets any rest. I can only imagine his burdens must have increased over the past few years and here I was complaining to him of all people. But I know he doesn't want it any other way.
'You should sneak out, I'll tell her off,' I say, obviously referring to Ino, who dared to minimize his duty to his attendance to her party. He yawns, shrugging lightly. 'It's ok.' He smiles at me. 'The company is nice.'

I shyly smile back. I hear him mumble something about being around people my own age, instead of an old man like him. I roll my eyes before thinking about his life. I note how alone he still is. He doesn't have anyone waiting for him at home…
'Kakashi,' I softly start. 'Don't you… ever feel the need to talk to someone?'
He quirks up an eyebrow. 'We are talking…'
'No,' I laugh again. 'I mean, someone to talk to about how your day has been… to tell a story to.'
He stays silent, thinking about what I said for a moment. 'I have no need to tell anyone any story.'
'Oh,' I blurt out, surprised by the cool answer. You give me a look.
'I mean, I never thought about it… I never had the need to bother anyone with my thoughts.'
'Oh.' Now I feel stupid.
'That came out wrong,' You then hastily say. A slight tremble in your voice can be heard. 'I meant I never thought about telling a story to a specific person. I've told my stories… to you. Naruto. Sasuke. I passed my stories as lessons to my students.'
'Oh,' I hum, feeling a bit flattered by his answer. I don't know why but I suddenly see myself and my teammates as the first ones Kakashi has confided in after his darkest years. I only now realize how deep and strong our trust in one another is.
'I talk Guy too,' he then adds.
'Yeah but I meant… Someone who you share a lot more with then just your thoughts.'
'You want that?' You turn the tables around in a blink of an eye and there is no way out for me.
I stare at you for a long time, thinking about what to answer before answering with a slight, uncertain, nod.
'It will come around,' You give me a nonchalant shrug with an all-knowing grin.
We stay on the balcony for a little while longer before you finally head home.
'Kakashi,' I say, not being able to let go of the things he has says throughout our time together.

'I think I… I want to become a teacher too.'

You say nothing at first. 'What about the hospital?'

'I need a change,' I answer immediately, no waver to be heard. I have already thought it over. Instead of pondering and beating myself over the past, I'm going to work on the future. Pass on my knowledge while guarding the next generation. Kind of like he did.

'I can't keep doing the same thing, I'll just spiral further down…'

You give me another soft smile. 'You'll make a fine teacher.'

I glance around, noticing most of the guest have headed home. I should've gone home a long time. My apartment is still a mess and I definitely need sleep. My feet hurt, my eyes are sleepy but yet I decline the idea of going. I watch Ino and Sai laugh and dance, for the first time, I smile when seeing them. I don't find it strange or repulsive.

I don't feel envy.

I avert my eyes off the pair, feeling a bit a shamed that I had hated on them for so long, for no good reason. The clarity in my head makes me aware of everything I have been doing subconsciously. It also makes me so awake I can't even think of sleeping. Despite my tiredness, I'm feel adventurous. Wild. Like I am in the midst of a fight.

No use, I say to myself while getting up of my chair. As I'm about to bid Ino goodbye, something catches my eye. A hooded figure. I frown, uncertain if I should be alarmed or not. In a blink of an eye he disappears. I try to fight the impulse of chasing after him, just for the heck of it.
Instead Ino grabs me by the arm and pulls me in a hug, telling me that she happy to see the old me again.

The old me. I never really understood that. I'm not who I once was. I'll never be the old me.

But I let her talk. We say our goodbye's and promise to meet up sometime soon.
I walk through the empty streets. It's getting colder, I note. I hurry home, walking up the stairs of my apartment. I open the lock and walk in on the mess I've made. I sigh, noting I'll need to buy new furniture and start over. But the thought makes me smile. A fresh start here too, I tell myself.
I feel light-hearted and content for once.

The next morning I still feel a tremendous amount of tiredness. I hadn't slept much on my trip and last night I went to bed far too late. I have a headache and I suddenly don't feel like cleaning up the mess I've made. I tell myself to stop slacking. Seeing as I have no choice, I pull myself together. I don't have to work in hospital for the next few days so I can take it easy. I'm slow but bold, daring to throw away things I've hold on for too long. Books I'll never end up reading. Ugly pillows. Old headbands. I throw it all out together with the sofa and table I've ruined.

After a quick shower I go out to go grocery shopping. I keep thinking about my decision of becoming a teacher, realizing that the latter events are responsible for my revelation. It was strange how closure and opening your heart ended up being one and the same thing. Though I guess one could say those two things were opposites, with me I felt they were entwined. I think of Mitsuki for a moment, noting how I wanted him to take a different path… I hope he one day does.
I hear some women talk about a recent decision made by the Hokage and notice how fond they speak of him. I smile proudly.
As I walk away, my mind is on Kakashi and I note how, despite our already close bond, we somehow got to know each other much better. He is quite the mentor and I acknowledge how lucky I am to be his student.

I even dare to wonder if one day, a student of mind will think the same thing about me. I feel… a spark inside of me.

I need to thank him, I then note. Without him I would still be trapped. He had set everything in motion. I owed him a lot. I snap my finger when thinking of a good idea. I'll treat him to dinner!

…What does he eat?

I roll my eyes at my train of thoughts. Here I am thinking I am good friend when I don't even know what he likes to eat! …Fish? I curl up my nose at the thought. Oh! Soup! He likes miso soup! I can make that… I think.

I tried my very best, though afterwards I thought of the fact that could've probably gotten it at a restaurant with a take-a-way service too instead of sweating over how to make it and taking twice the usual time to make it. But I actually had fun cooking it.

I kind of stiffen up when I'm at his office. I bite my lip, sometimes I seem to forget he's actually Hokage and no longer my sensei. I hadn't bother to check his home, despite the late hour. But the fact that the lights were still on told me I was at right place.

'May I?' I ask one of the men standing guard. 'He's not busy, is he?'
Recognizing me one man immediately nods and I gratefully smile as I pass him by.
I timidly knock on his door and I hear a muffled reply.

As I walk in I see a desk and huge pile of papers. I snicker. 'Kakashi?' I call out.
'I'm here…' He sounds aggravated. He looks up from a file and tries to peek beyond the high piles of stacked papers. 'Sakura?' He gives me surprised look. 'Everything alright?'

'Everything is fine!' I smile. 'I brought you some miso soup!'
I can tell he doesn't know what to say. He oddly keeps staring at me to the soup, back to the paper in his hand. He eventually tosses it aside and walks over. 'That's nice…'
'I wanted thank you,' I start explaining. I always like the fact that he gets straight to the point so I should probably do the same thing. 'I don't know what else I could do…'
'Well, it certainly is a pleasant surprise…' he softly says. I can't really tell what he makes out of it but I take he is content to be disturbed of his work for a moment.
'Hm, some reports were that were due and finally got send in…?' I ask him.
'How'd you know?' he ask while he opens up the plastic container.
'Tsunade… She used to complain about those slackers, slouching and being lazy…'
'Ha, yes,' he snickers while smelling the soup.
'Specially that sensei of yours!' I add, imitating her voice. I smile when he looks up and realize I had been talking about him the entire time.
'First thing she said to me too…' he says smiling. 'Now you'll know what a pain it is!'
I laugh, completely able to imagine Tsunade saying that to him. She probably said it more than once too.
'Did you make this?' he then ask surprised. I nod. 'It's good,' he compliments me.

You need help?' I nonchalantly ask while he eats. 'Tsunade had this system. I'll be glad to help… Hey, don't you have an assistant?' I then ask looking around.
'No…'
'Why not?'
'Haven't got around to pick someone out…'
'You should!' I tell him giving him a disapproval look.
'I will, mini-Tsunade,' he says as he finishes his soup.
'Haha!' I laugh.
'Thank you but you shouldn't have,' he says referring to the soup. 'It is my job to look after you.'
'Still, you have no idea…'
'I actually do,' he nods. He the lazily stretches himself out. 'It won't be until a couple of months, you know,' he then starts, talking about the teacher-job. 'Iruka does give the final results of the students until late May…'
'Oh, that's okay. I need some time to prepare anyway. I can't just leave my duty as medic at the hospital. Do you think I could combine the jobs somehow?' I ask, biting my lip. I feel bit silly asking this but I worked so hard to do what I do and I do it well. I don't want to just let it all go. It is such a huge part of me.
'Of course, the hospital can't miss you, you are still one of our finest medics. Missions aren't for anytime soon. And if so by that time I'm sure the hospital will have a solution for your time to time absence.'
'Yeah,' I nod, hoping he was right.
'Besides, in emergency cases I'll just send someone out to get you,' he says. He kind of gives me an arrogant smirk, as if to emphasize his position thought it mostly comes off as compliment towards the importance of my skills. I feel flattered by the remark and can't help but smirk back.

Instead of leaving, I decide to help out. Ordering them in the right rank is a huge help, as Tsunade herself once said to me. We work in silence. Or not, actually. We have the same small talk we had when we were the only two left while Sasuke and Naruto were off competing to one another. He sends me home when he catches me yawning.

'Thank you, Sakura,' he says before I leave.
I just give him a genuine smile.

A week has passed. I see friends come and go, checking up on me when word gets out that I won't be doing my job as medic fulltime anymore. As Tsunade's student and a member of team seven, I've gotten somewhat of a famous name. I reassure everyone that I'm alright and that I just want to start something new. The further I walk down this path, the more right it starts to feel.

Another week passes. I've gotten around to get a new sofa. My interior is less… colorful. Serene. White. I like the new style I've picked but can't help but add some pink pillows. Just to rebel a little.
Today I got some small things. A vase with some flowers. A standing lamp. I note I'm not able to pick table. I note how much I loved my old table that I had completely smashed. As I move things around before deciding its final place I suddenly hear a knock on the door.

I get up but stand still in the middle of the room, where my dear table used to stand. Sensing I know this chakra, I feel reluctant to go and answer the door.

Another knock.
Impatient.
Or perhaps sign of him knowing I'm on the other side.

I sigh, deciding I promised myself to no longer run from my problems or bury them under others.

The time was never going to be right.

I was never going to be in the right state of mind.

I was always going feel strange around him.

With every step I took, I felt more nervous. I hesitantly grab the doorknob but twist it with a certain fierceness. As if ripping a bandage from a wound.

'Sasuke.'