Chapter XIII: Mistakes

'Sasuke.'

His name rolled off my tongue as easily as the last time I had said it. I fought the urge to bite my lip, something I do whenever I'd feel uncomfortable or uncertain about myself. I waited for him to start the conversation. I feel my heart beat increase with every second he's taking to move his lips.

'Sakura.'

Calm. Collected.

'May I come in?' he asks politely.

I'm hesitant. Uneasy at the thought of letting him back in.

Though he can tell I'm not liking the idea, he never retreats his proposal, he simply waits patiently for me to adept to the situation.

With an uneasiness I step aside and let him pass. I take in a breath when his arrogant aura passes me by, making me taking in his scent. He smells like… outside. The grass, the wind. It's a hard thing to describe but I love it whenever I'm out. It brings back fond memories. I shake my head at the insignificance of my own thoughts and push back the memories we shared as young teens.

I follow him into my living-room. He doesn't take much interest in my new interior. I then take note he has no idea this is all new. He's never been here before. I keep a distance and still wait for him to talk.

His dark eyes bore into mine and I see things in them I've never seen before. I don't know what to make of them. Without thought, I avert my eyes to the ground until I remind myself I have no longer anything to hide. When I look back up, he's looking in the other direction.

'I,' he is usually cool voice wavers a little and he takes a breath to collect himself again.

'I don't want us to be on bad terms with one another.'

'We're not,' I bite back, a lot harsher then I intended it to be. Maybe I'm just fed up with this entire relationship. I can feel myself getting drained already and only a few words have been said.

'I've come to understand,' he continues while ignoring my outburst, 'I owe you more than just one apology.'

I stare at him in confusion, not quite sure where he was going with this. He takes a step in my direction. And another and another.

'I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you.'
So simple. Yet it all stays so complex. I lower my gaze, searching in myself what it all meant. Was this what I wanted to hear? A voice yells in my head he needs to leave. It was all going so well… It was getting ruined by him again. Run.

Yet I stood still, listening to him.

'I apologize if I have made it all more difficult. You never deserved the treatment I gave you…'

An arm snakes around me and I feel my forehead meet his chest.

A comfort.

An embrace.

Something I've longed for so long…. My eyes flutter shut.

'If I…' You stay silent and change your mind about what you were about to say. 'I'm willing to help you...'

My heart… it jumps in joy while staying rather passive in pace. I feel confused and disoriented. Was this still the same world I was in this morning?

'I don't know how, or if I even can… but I want you to know I'm no longer running from you, though I can't stay in the same place here with you.'

I know what you are saying. I understand it all. I know you are opening up to me, I just don't know if I can follow your sudden quick pace.

'S-Sasuke,' I start, looking up. I get startled by the look on your face. A soft, warm expression I've seldom seen on you. You caringly caress my cheek. I feel a warmth come over me. Perhaps all this, is ten times more sensitive because of the past few weeks when my emotions were on haywire and I finally came to understand all the things I longed for.

'I've told you, you're not what I want—silenced.

I didn't even see it coming. His mouth. The warmth. The need.

I don't fight back and I certainly don't hesitate to answer. I feel strange again. As we continue to kiss, I try to shut off my emotions. That shouting voice in my head that keeps repeating I needed to run. My trembling hands that find steadiness in embracing him back. I try to shut off all the signals.

All the conflicting feelings that could stop me from continuing this.

Just shut up.

A small part of me just wants to give in. Feel the thrill. Hold on to something more dearly than an idea, a thought, a goal… I've done that so much already. What could happen, I ask myself. Feeling thrills running through my entire body.

You're fierce. Certain. Pressing me more tightly to you. A hand that holds my face close to yours, as if one breath of air could make us lose all we have going. It's almost as if you are aware of my doubt.

I don't want you to hurt me.

You move us. You move us towards the new sofa but I halt you. I want to speak up but you hand glides down from my face to my shirt. Your mouth continues down and I forget all the words I want to say.

I don't want you.

I feel myself fall into your arms while mine snake around your neck and into your hair. I feel it, make it wilder and kiss you harder back.

Yet it aches.

I don't think I'm strong enough to handle your way of loving.

But I'm not loving him, I answer the memory while indulging into him more deeply, as if I'm trying bury this doubt inside of me onto him. He never stops.

I still want more... Just not this.

Not this.

I purposelessly move my hands around and try to taste you more. But the savoring is gone.
I halt. I think of my plans. My change. Our last conversation. You kiss my neck.

I suddenly realized I was still whirling around aimlessly.

'You're nothing I thought you'd be…' I say as I retreat my lips and stare at his dark eyes one more time when you too come to a halt. My arms come to rest to my side. 'I can't.'

And as I move around aimlessly, I seem to be an easy prey for you.

'Why not?' You sound breathless and for once… sincere.

'Was this what you wanted to say?' I ask him, uncertain myself what I exactly meant by that.

You retreat and give me a cold blank stare. 'I can't say more than what I've already said, the rest is up to you.'

I somehow feel at fault again. As if you offering me what I've asked for and I'm now behaving as a spoiled child by denying it. A long, cold silence linger between us and makes us both forget the warmth we had just shared.
I swallow, uncertain what to say to you. You want me yet I… Yet I hold on to my plans like I always do.

First this. Then that.

Am I doing it wrong again?

You lick your lips. Your eyes hold a hungry look. I feel a spark.

I turn on my heels and finally listen to the voice inside. I run.

I run until it gets dark. I run with many thoughts. I run out of places to run.

I wasn't able to shut any feeling off. I felt dirty. Confused. I felt worse than before. I run back to the place where I had start running. I'm sweaty. Out of breath. Out of wit. I look around and see how almost all the light are out and how the silence of the night is beginning to fill the air. I see a familiar light still on.

The highest tower in our village.

As I walk towards it, it suddenly goes out. The void of the familiar light makes my heart feel heavy. I suddenly feel as confused as before and I can't seem to get a grip. I can't grasp it all, I don't know if I can move on without making a mistake along the road.

Was that it? Was that what kept me running in circles? The fear of making… another mistake?

I frown, though I was proud on some aspects of my life, I could not deny there was great deal I was disappointed in. I was in no relationship. I felt unloved… and never thought I'd feel the way I do today. I never thought I would reject Sasuke or anything he had to offer me.

But is it a mistake to consider wanting more than just taking what I used to deem as enough?

I sit on his staircase, wondering for a moment if he still lives here. I don't recall hearing anything of him moving. I patiently wait. It's taking longer than I thought until I see his silver hair in the moonlight. He looks surprise to see me.

'Sakura, are you alright?' he asks calmly. In his hand he's holding a bag. He went out to get something to eat.

'Can… we talk?' I simply ask, already feeling like an idiot. 'I'm still such dramatic little girl.'

He quirks up an eyebrow when he hears me talking to myself but remains silence, only giving me a soft smile when I realize I had said that out loud. I follow him up the stairs while he search his pockets for his keys.

'Did something happen?' he ask, eying my state. I realize it shows that I've been sweating and I can feel that all color has been drained of my face. I haven't eaten a single thing since this afternoon. I feel fatigue and tired but I simply shrug it off.

'I went for a run.'

As he opens the door, I follow closely behind. Once I'm inside I for some reason feel more at ease. I guess the thought of being seen with the Hokage for such frivolous reasons as my troubled emotions, made me feel embarrassed. But then again we shared a history and I'm only taking him up on his offer.

'Sasuke,' he says and nods understandingly putting his bag on the counter of his tiny kitchen.

'You knew?' I ask surprised. Meanwhile I look around and note how luxurious my apartment is compared to that of the Hokage. He could've at least gotten something a little bigger, I sneer.

I look at Kakashi for answers.
'He's been around for a while…' You mumble back, avoiding any type of eye-contact with me.

I then come to the realization it was Sasuke on the rooftop I had seen during the party. I feel even more confused but then remember Kakashi had said he would come over himself to talk to me. I just hadn't thought he meant it… and I certainly didn't think he'd come after me so quickly... I…

I sigh. A heavy, tired, sad sigh.

'I assume… it didn't go as planned?' he then asks. 'I'm not really the person to talk to when it comes to these things…'

I smile when I see him starting to eat and keep his eyes on his dinner. I feel bad for stealing his only free time with such silly nonsense I hardly understood myself.

'Then let's not,' I answer dismissively. 'I don't think I quite grasp it myself…'

'We should talk—'I don't know if being a teacher will be a good idea. I don't think I'm capable.'
'Sakura,' You start, now giving me look of utter disappointment. 'Don't let Sasuke turn you around so easily. I thought you were stronger than this.'

It's harsh to hear but I nod in agreement. 'I thought I was stronger too.'

I always make mistakes. I let myself fall onto my knees and sit down, drained of it all.

'You have so much to offer… I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think you'd do good job,' You say while coming to sit next to me.
'I'm sorry,' I mutter to you, feeling stupider by the minute. I was saying things I didn't even mean now.

'Did Sasuke make a point out of this?'

I can tell you are confused and I hear little bit of anger in your voice.

I shake my head. 'Sasuke… didn't say a thing.'

He didn't say a word about what had been said. He apologized. He did it all right and… I just wanted to use him. Feel things. At the smallest opportunity given, I dived in.

'I told him you needed more time.' Your words distraught me from my thoughts. 'But at the same time I thought he might say things you've longed for…'

'He did,' I answer.

We both look out the window. You eat your dinner and I think. I think about Sasuke again, noting how easy it was for me to kiss him. Touch him. No matter how much I had told myself not to, I do and it is all too easy. I wonder if it has anything to do with him or if it was simply the need of having to feel someone. Was I still so weak for him even after I told him and myself I no longer wanted him?

Was it a lie?

'Sakura, I want you to keep your focus on your new job.' You suddenly sound strict. I kind of smirk when looking at you since you are giving me the same firm expression you gave me as a young Genin. Noting his words were to be taken serious, my smirk immediately falls and I listen intently, just like I had always done when he was teaching me things.

'You'll grow by watching others grow… Take a distance from Sasuke if you have to but don't think this isn't anything for you. You have a lot to offer. A lot of potential.'

'Easy for you to say, you always had the potential of being Hokage. I always had the potential of not doing a bad job.'

We we're still very different after all.

'You have plenty of potential, for a lot of things.' You stare at me with confidence, reminding me that you are seldom wrong.

I don't know why but I just want to know if it has anything to do with Sasuke. I feel dazed.

You always know what to do. I feel safe…

I tug down your mask.

I feel a bright spark when our lips meet.

But my heart falters as your hand presses me away, making me aware of my mistake.