Chapter XV: Words to be said

I hear knock on my door and I curse. I was having nice cup of tea and was sitting really comfortable. I halt a little, reading the last few lines on the page I was on. The idea of not getting up was plaguing my mind, whoever it was could come back some other time. However, hearing the persistency in the knocking, I knew exactly who it was on the other side. He would not come back some other time.
I sigh and sweep my legs out of the sofa. I rise and stretch out, letting out a lazy yawn.

I slowly walk towards the door, letting out a growl when he knocks again.
'Hurry up, Sakura!'
'Hold on, Naruto!' I yell back while unlocking the door. I open it with a swing and angry scowl on my face. I was about to nag about the fact that he didn't have to be so impatient and annoying but the sight before me stopped and I even momentarily froze on the spot before regaining myself.
'H-hey, guys,' I stutter out.

'We're going to get ramen!' Naruto smirked with a toothy grin. 'I told them it just wouldn't be the same without you! You know like old times!'
'I,' I can't seem to find the sense to say something, so I just gape at the three of them.
'Naruto found me in my spare time,' Kakashi clarified, 'and insisted I treated him to dinner…'
'Well, you do have the most money now,' Sasuke spoke up with a smirk.
The Hokage let out a sigh and I hear Naruto snicker in delight at the comment. I find the corners of my mouth go up and I can't help but laugh myself.
'I need to get dressed,' I say. I'm in slouchy clothes I only wear when I'm home. 'Give me a moment.'

Instead of inviting them in, I shut the door in their faces and immediately hear Naruto complain. I smirk, finding his reaction hilariously predictable but above all very charming. I place my hand on the door for a moment, trying to hold on to the glimpse of the past that had just passed me by.

I swallow. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready.

Not today, a scared voice inside of me said.

But I had to. First off, I didn't have a choice and I… I just needed to say things and… a part of me wanted to talk to Kakashi before the meeting, so this was the ideal moment. I tell myself to be strong and brave, I could do this.

Sasuke however… it wasn't as if we were mean towards one another. I just had no idea how to act around him anymore. The drastic change of me no long chasing after him had taken a certain toll, I felt as a team we were drifting more apart too. Our relation had always been undefined but now it was simply… gone, which had an effect on all of us. I never just go out with him and Naruto anymore. Actually, I only hang around Naruto these days.

I take one last deep breath and then quickly change, while letting the thoughts rampage my mind.

When I come out the door, I see them waiting down the stairs. In a dash, I meet them. I'm forever grateful that Naruto is unaware of everything. He talks throughout the entire walk about, well, everything. It never goes completely silent. Though it also seems neither one of my other companions allows that to happen either, they talk along with Naruto.
I guess I was being the most quiet one again… I tell myself I'll loosen up after a while.

Though I know deep inside I'm lying. I feel too scared, too out of place. Inside my mind there was chaos.

'The usual!'

I roll my eyes at the loud yell and see out of the corner of my eye Sasuke shake his head in disapproval. Kakashi on the other hand politely greets people sitting next to us.
Eventually we eat, which was a nice way for me to stuff my face and not being accused of being unusually quiet. Naruto brings up my new job.
'So!' He smirks, 'You are going to become like old man Kakashi?'
'I'm not that old…'
I get startled by the comparison and I slightly waver when speaking up. 'Y-yeah, I guess you could say that.'
'I'm still going to be the next Hokage, though,' Naruto immediately adds with a grin. I laugh.
'No doubt about it,' I answer.
'I never saw you as the tutoring-type,' Sasuke suddenly says.
First I just look at him in surprise then I feel my face turn into a scowl. I can sense some hostility to my left side. Kakashi moves in his seat a little.
'And why do say that, Sasuke?' Kakashi calmly asks. I don't dare to look his way.
'No reason,' he shrugs. 'Sakura just never voiced her ambitions to become one.'
'Sometimes you end up being things you never thought you'd be but that doesn't mean it is wrong or incorrect for you to be that, it is simply because you don't how you'll grow in life and sometimes you come to understand you don't get to make the choice.'

The enigmatic answer was follow by a deadly stare contest between the two, that left both me and Naruto confused. Naruto voices his confusion, I just eventually found out my mouth was hanging open and closed it.

'R-right,' I mutter, looking down at my plate. I curse when I find it empty.
'Besides, Sakura isn't going to be just any teacher.' The proud in Kakashi's voice made my head snap up and for the first time our eyes actually met. I couldn't decipher what was going on in his mind, and though I didn't know how to interpret our last shared memory either, I could tell he too was glad that our eyes were meeting again and we were no longer avoiding one another.

'It's going to be an exclusive all medical team,' he announced. 'A special team, you won't be doing the usual missions. I mean sure at times you will but your focus we be different than the others.'
My eyes widen and I kindly forget about the other two. 'Really?'
'I wasn't going to hold this information for you but I'm afraid my schedule got in the way of a visit.'
I just nod my head in understanding, feeling a fluttering in the pit of my stomach when he said he was going to visit me earlier but couldn't.
'Should I prepare—'Keep what you have, I've talked with Iruka and he said so too, you should take it slow. The beginning of team can never be rushed.'
'I need to see if they make good team first,' I then remark with a devious smile.
'You're not going to the bell-test, are you?' Naruto suddenly interferes. He scrunches up his nose at the memory.
'Of course I am!' I smile. I hear him sigh in response.
'Only you were stupid enough to fail that test,' Sasuke coolly says.
'Did you ever even get the point of the test!?' Naruto spats out as he loses his temper and utters curse words at him underneath his breath. Sasuke hardly reacts to his outburst.
I look at Kakashi for a moment and we both start laughing.

I stayed longer then I had intended. The conversations when smoother than expected. The whole evening is a trip to the past. To when it was all easier.
I frown at the thought for a moment, deep down, it hadn't been easier back then either.
We were all troubled then too.

I stare at the ground for a moment, thinking about. Naruto snaps me out of it.
'I promised I was going to drop by Hinata before heading home,' Naruto mutters with a blush.
'Kiss goodnight?' I ask. It just rolled off my tongue before I could stop myself. The result is a Naruto with the complexion of a tomato. I hear Sasuke and Kakashi snicker in response.
'H-hey!' He whines when catching our expressions. 'Don't give me that look!'
'It okay, Naruto,' Kakashi says in his usual aloof matter. 'Go see your girlfriend.'
I've never seen Naruto leave as quick as he did after that comment. He was utterly embarrassed and the way Kakashi had said it so smoothly made it all the more hilarious.

I then take note I'm alone with the two men I've been ignoring and avoiding for the past months. There is something odd going on between the three of us and I can't put my finger on it.

'Sakura,' Kakashi starts. 'Could I talk to you now about the idea of the team?'
'Ah,' I take hesitant look at Sasuke, who doesn't show any emotion. 'Sure.'
'I'll walk her home, Sasuke.'
The comment was almost a bit taunting. But nevertheless, Sasuke didn't say a word and simply bid us goodnight. He left rather quickly, which I actually found a bit odd but I was too relieved to be rid of his presence to even make a comment about it to Kakashi.

As we start walking, a silence begins to settle in between us. I grow slightly nervous and feel the carefree feelings of earlier flee. I unconsciously take a deep breath of air which makes Kakashi aware of my uneasiness.

'How are you, Sakura?' he asks in his usual calm voice. He looks around, nodding his head at a few people when passing by. I glance at him. He behaves like he usually would and I feel myself relax in his presence.

'I'm fine.'
I bite my lip. I hated when my voice was so fragile and light. I didn't want to come off that way.
'How are you?' ask him, using a bit more certainty in my voice.

'Good.' A simple clear answer that lead to no further conversation.
Typical Kakashi, I agitatedly note in my head and let out an audible sigh in response.

'I've gotten an assistant,' he then informs me proudly.

I smirk and give him a nod of approval.

'Oh!' I then yell, 'I've gotten new furniture!'
He thinks about it for a second. 'Yes, well the last time I saw it, it was exactly in good condition.'
I laugh at the comment heartily, feeling carefree again for a few moments.
That makes me finally snap out of avoiding the inevitable and I abruptly come to a halt.

My apartment was further down the street but I wanted to say it now before I changed my mind.

Coward, a little voice inside my head hissed. I ignore it and continue on.

'I hope we can move on now… I don't like… I mean I miss…' I sigh. I hadn't want to say the things that had just blurted out of my mouth. I wanted to say something a bit more meaningful, a lot less clingy and whole lot less wrong.

'Thank you for everything,' I then say and I give him a quick hug. 'I don't think I could do the things I'm doing today if it weren't for you and I don't want to lose our friendship…'
He surprises me by not letting go. 'I could say the same thing.'
He then let go and put a few loose strands of hair behind my ear. 'If I was ten years younger, I would've been very flattered that such a beautiful young woman kissed me… And as an old man, like Naruto likes to call me now, I am still very flattered but I can in no way ever allow that to happen again.'

I don't say a word and the world around me is becoming kind of hazy. I suddenly take note my head is moving. I'm nodding in agreement, though I'm hardly aware of doing so.

'You will always be my student, which means if you can't figure it out… You ask me about it.'
I smile gratefully at the man before me. His dark eyes are soft and I can tell he too had been thinking about a solution out of this strange situation I had abruptly put us in. He shoulders slouch and he then looks at ease again.
'Though, I bet you never thought of this situation as a teacher… or have you?' I jokingly ask. The moment it leaves my mouth, I then only question if saying this wasn't too early. Or if it would ever be appropriate to talk about it, let alone joke about it.
But he laughs and washes away my doubt. 'No, you got me there. I guess the image of the love-struck-on-Sasuke-Sakura never made me ponder about such things.'
Though then mentioning of Sasuke gives me a weird sensation, I simply laugh it off.

We somewhere along the way started moving and my apartment comes earlier than expected. Though there is still some hindrance between us, we're not as carefree as before, we somehow manage to continue our usual, light conversations. He informs me about my students a bit more and openly admits to being quite curious about the whole ordeal. He makes me promise to report to him before anyone else.

Even Tsunade.

And Naruto.

I don't know why but I feel lighthearted. As if this whole evening was nothing but a dream. It was nice and so wonderful and it made me want all the things I've… I bite my lip as my head makes the assumption.

It makes me realize how I secretly craved for things to be as they used to be. When it was just team seven.

'Goodnight, Sakura.' Kakashi's voice makes me snap out of my reminiscing thoughts.

I awkwardly stand before him. There is still something that I long to say to him. Word that shouldn't be said and I didn't intend on going anywhere with this I just… pondered a lot about them. Because for some reason I felt this would clarify a lot of things…

'Kakashi,' I whisper before he goes. His eyebrows shoot up when he sees the look on my face, I can't seem to be able to relax my expression. I feel tense. I probably look tense. He curiously stares at me, waiting for me to continue.

'I felt a spark.'

There I had said it. I don't know if he had any idea what I meant by it. He gives me a long stare and looks just as flabbergasted as when I kissed him. For brief moment I think he won't respond to me.
But he then gives me a mysterious smile. 'Me too.'
With that he turns around and leaves.

For a few seconds I gape at the man, not entirely sure how to take what has just been said.

'Goodnight, Kakashi!' I then yell.

As I turn around, I snicker at myself and the bizarre situation I had created and note how incredible graceful the current Hokage was. As I was thinking all that and turning around to finally go home, something caught the corner of my eye. A dark figure.

I halt to put the key in the lock and turn around to actually look at him.

Our eyes connect. I want to call out for him.

Because with him too, I long for words to be said.

But I stay quiet and he stays unmoved. Only his dark brooding eyes stare at me and, though I was never good at reading his emotions, it seemed as if this time he didn't quite understand them himself.

If not now, I think to myself, ask him to come over some other time.

I take a small step forward but immediately halt when catching myself move on impulse.

Coward, the voice hisses again.

His dark figure becomes hazy and then disappears.

There and now you are… none the wiser.

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