Chapter XVIII: Honesty

We follow Mitsuki all the way to his "hideout", which is nothing more than an abandon lake house. The girls keep giving me wary glances while the boy keeps quiet, trusting me on my decision. He obviously is also relieved to get some rest, he got beat up pretty badly and no matter how much he tried to hide it, he was exhausted.

Mitstuki opens the door for us, telling us Sasuke is inside and aware of the situation. He had informed him of our team being the next potential target of Orochimaru.

'I had thought he'd come with me…' he muttered, glancing shyly at me when saying that. If he was worried about hurting my feelings, he didn't have to. It was actually quite alright, I even felt what had just happened had given me some clarity on my feelings for Sasuke, as strange as that may sounds.

I let him lead the way, stepping with mild caution behind him. I was still taking a huge risk. Yet Mitsuki did all he could to make me feel at ease. To my surprise the house is quite empty. He then guides me to the basement. I halt, quirking up an eyebrow. 'You don't expect us to go down there, do you?'
'Sasuke is down there too...' he answers tediously.

'You three wait here,' I say to my students. 'If I don't come back in five minutes, leave as fast as you can.'

'S-Sakura,' Mitstuki brings out my name with a stutter, his yellow eyes widening in surprise. Hardly able to hide his hurt, he then gives me an offended look. I shrug it off, telling him I can't be certain with him. I then, again, let him lead the way.

As we go down I start to see that this isn't some dirty, dingy basement. The further we walk, the more it starts to look like a home of some sorts. Some wood is plastered on the wall, probably to make it a little less cold and draft. I can see an open kitchen and a few rooms, no doors though or any fancy furniture.

'You and your students could rest over there,' Mitstuki says, pointing at one of the rooms. 'Should I go get them?'

'They won't listen to you. I'll go get them myself,' I answer coolly. 'Where is Sasuke?'

'I didn't think he'd be able to convince you,' he speaks up from behind me. His voice is rough and by the looks of it, he got into a fight. I take a look at him from head to toe. He seems different, somehow.

He gives me an arrogant smirk when he sees me looking at him, to which I stay unresponsive.

'You don't have too much time on your hands, do you?' he then asks, reminding me we did have a deadline. A very literal deadline. I click my tongue at the thought. But it couldn't be helped, I needed these kids to heal up first.

'I'll go get them,' I simply say ignoring their stares. Mitsuki watches Sasuke and then looks back to me. He nods and mutters he'll make some tea for us.

I give ourselves tree hours. I simply can't give them anymore rest then that.
They eat, heal each other and bicker. I smile when watching them, they did remind me of team seven. Not personality wise but just… the closeness. The friendship. The next best thing to family.

I had almost thrown that away… I lower my gaze and stare at myself in the tea I'm holding in my hands. I bite the inside of my cheek. Orochimaru… I might despise him but he had struck a nerve.

Do I want to become a mother..?

I don't feel ready yet…

I look back up at the trio. I instruct them to go get some rest.

I almost gave you guys up a few hours ago…

Yet because of what had happened, I felt as if something inside of me had changed. Something vital.

I vowed myself to never let them down again. I wouldn't ever succumb to doubt again. I nod at the thought.

I won't be able to help or save you all the time but I will never stop trying…

I promise.

'You seem very fond of them,' Sasuke states, coming to stand next to me. His arm brushes mine. I glance at it for a moment, noting he is intentionally getting close to me. I sigh, feeling my temper rise a little, I didn't want his closeness for the moment. I take a good look at him, wanting to see his expression. But it unreadable as always. Maybe he isn't quite sure how to act himself.

But it was that I was angry that he had left that night. I had expected it. I just hated he seemed to be so unaware of what this all did to me. I had hated myself for a while, not understanding why I had given in without a second thought. I had slowly learned to accept it and tried to not feel… too much about it. But that was easier said than done. I swallow and shove the tiring repetitive thoughts to the back of my mind.

We chitchat about nothing, avoiding the atmosphere hanging in the air. Mitsuki shortly talks to me before going out to get us some supplies before we leave. He's being most helpful and I tell him he doesn't have to out of his way but he insists. He promises he can be back within the hour.

He also tells me I'm wonderful instructor and endearingly continues on to tell me how I changed him.

And every word said, changes me.

I listen to him talk and almost think he's talking about someone else. Apparently my defiance towards Orochimaru was quite a shock to him. I can hear Sasuke shift uneasily next to me. As if the story he's telling is making him feel uncomfortable.

'I thought no one would ever say no to him… No one could escape him.'

I shyly go with my hand through my hair, I never looked at myself that way.

Brave. Bold. Defiant.

'You just healed me without a thought,' he says in awe, while giving me an utter most grateful look.

Warm.

Caring.

I'm almost in awe of myself.

But it wasn't like I wasn't aware of these qualities, I was a medic after all. But still, I didn't think someone like Mitsuki would ever be affected by them. Mostly boys like him just… shrug it off. Leave.

'I promise to be back within the hour, so you'll have no delay,' he eventually says.
'It isn't necessary,' I tell him again. Chances were small we'd run into trouble again.
'I insist,' he then repeats with a smile. 'Make yourself comfortable and don't forget to rest a little too.'

He bids us goodbye and I leave standing alone next to Sasuke in the open kitchen. It stays silent for a while before he grabs my hand and pulls me along. I pull my hand loose and throw him a glare, not understanding what the hell he thinks he's doing. He then points at the room where my students are taking a nap. He places his finger on his mouth, telling me to keep quiet.

Taking my hand, more gently now, he guides me towards the room he came from earlier.

He obviously wants to talk privately.

'Sasuke—' I abruptly get cut off by him. 'I apologize for leaving the way I did…'
I stay silent for a split second. 'I didn't want to leave.' 'But you did,' I immediately point out.
'Sakura, I already told you, I don't want us to part—'Part?' I ask with a heavy sigh. 'We're not together.'
'Don't be mad at me,' he then says, lightly touching my hair. 'And that's not what I meant.'

I feel numb, thinking about all the things I've already said to him to make him understand. To make me understand myself better. Words had been said, over and over.

I was so tired of this.

'I know what you must be thinking and I want you to know that...' He places his forehead on mine. I stay silent, waiting for him to explain himself further. He lets out a sigh that tickles my face. I keep my eyes on his.

'I have to say this now, before I…' he halts a little, obviously feeling uneasy sharing this. 'I think,' he lets out a sigh, 'I'm ready to come home now.'

I smile at him, touching his hair now too. I pull him into an embrace and I hold on to him a little longer. I then take a good look at him when straightening up. I think about our night together. I felt that evening I had gotten a glimpse of all the things that could've been.

How my life would look with you. Not just imagining it.

To cook with you, eat with you. To do a daily chore with you.

To sleep in your arms.

'Why did you ask for me?' I ask him, a burning question that has been plaguing my mind for a long time.

I can tell he is confused, so I explain myself.

'When Mitsuki got poisoned… Why did you ask for me to come?'

He looks away for a moment, finally letting go of me. He licks his lips, obviously thinking about what to say. 'Because you were the right medic for the job.'

I give him a look of pure disbelief, shake my head and let out a tied sigh when hearing the half lie.

'I could tell,' he then quickly starts, not wanting to push me away. 'You were unhappy... I guess I just wanted you to... I guess I thought if we'd spend some time together you'd become happy again, like you used to do when we were younger...'

We're not kids anymore, Sasuke.

'But I can honestly say that it didn't go as I had planned. You told me things I didn't want to hear and made me aware certain things were never going to be same.'

You still hold on to my hand, squeezing it lightly.

'I saw you falling deeper and deeper… I could see your darkness but instead of letting me in, you beat me up quite badly while pointing out I was partly to blame for it. Though, Mistuki is certainly right about your… strengths, you are very capable of giving others what they need. You do seem to have hard time deciding on what you truly want.'

Though my expression is stoic, I feel all sorts of things inside. Mostly relief. Honesty. I've longed for it for so long that I almost thought it was nothing but a mere illusion.

'I want you to know that I do find you attractive,' he then bluntly states. 'I know I should probably give you some space but I can't help it.' He cups my face and I can feel him pull me closer to him but I resist him, standing put.
'Sakura, I just want to take away what I gave you…'

You finally tell me how you feel.

Yet today with Orochimaru something revealed itself to me. I've been wandering around for so long this past year, that I have overlooked what I finally got. And I need you to understand…

'You still haven't learned?' I ask lightly. 'No one can do that. You have to do it yourself.'

I realize now that I do always give others what they need.

He retreats his hand slowly from mine, aware I wasn't going to say what he wanted to hear.

I followed you, longed for you, waited for you. All the thing you needed to fight off the bitter feelings inside.

'Your friendship with Naruto changed you but in the end it was you who had to accept it. So no one can take away the darkness, you have to let light in at the end.'

I shake my head at him. 'We'll meet people who don't want our help and some can't even be helped.'

'Sakura,' he gasps, afraid that my speech will take a turn to the worse. But I hush him, smiling for thinking I was talking about myself. I was actually just making a general observation.

These last six months, despite the ups and downs revolving around you, had been quite nice. I had feared, loved, laughed and lived.

I had pondered about this meeting, how it would be, what would be said. But only just now my heart somehow managed to word the emotions and transference them to my mind. All I had to do now was use my mouth to word them out loud.

Maybe I should've done this almost a year ago, when I told you how I then felt.

You were right, I did take my distance from you but that didn't mean I was unhappy, I just felt empty because I couldn't seem to be able to fill in the gap you left.

'I won't be waiting for you any longer,' I say shaking my head in pity at him.

I do always seem to give people what they need… You needed me to get you home. A reason to come back. An open door waiting for you.

'Don't get me wrong, I will always be your friend and teammate… but if I let you in any closer, you will only continue to cause chaos in my life.'

I can't be something I'm not. Your patiently waiting calm light in the dark.

I'm my own person. I'm unsteady, erratic and sometimes oversensitive… and I can't handle being with you.

You take a step back and huge gap is between us now. A gap that has always been but I've only now come to terms with it. 'I will always love you.. from a distance.'

A silence lingers.

'I have what I truly want now, Sasuke.'