Chapter XIX: Scared of lonely

I tiredly throw the book on the table and stretch out. These last few weeks had been dreadful, one mission after another. My students weren't complaining but I could tell a few days off was most welcome. Though I loved going out, I was more on edge with them then when I was out on a regular mission. So I too was tired.

Maybe it was because I now realized I couldn't depend on anyone else to help, Orochimaru had made me aware of that. It was I now who was the teacher, after all. I had grown accustomed to it but it was still a learning progress. I thoroughly enjoyed it though. I felt like I was growing everyday a bit more into the person I wanted to be.

Not only as a person but I felt I had grown more as a kunoichi too. I was sharper, more aware of how the shinobi world was still functioning. It was fascinating to see how times had changed and yet at the same time see how scars of the past could not be so easily erased. It was process of change and we were in the midst of it.

I sleepily stare out the window, telling myself to stop thinking and go to bed but I'm too lazy to actually start moving. I hug my knees and yawn again. 'Ok, time for bed,' I mutter to myself.

When a hooded face appeared before my window I let out a scream, falling almost out of my own couch. He hushes me but stupidly loses his grip on my window frame by doing so. I hear a bit of rumbling and run to the window. I then peek out of the window to see if he is still there or not. He's holding on with one arm. When he looks up at me I'm surprised to see his face.

'Kakashi-sensei?' I whisper in awe.

'Shh!' he hushes me, looking around if nobody was seeing him. I stretch out a hand to help him. He acts a bit odd. It almost looks as if he's on the run for something…

'What are you doing?' I ask him when I pull him in. He immediately turn us around, making my back face the window and hide him behind my figure.

'I wanted to see my favorite student…' he mutters. I quirk up an eyebrow. 'Oh, really?'

'Yes,' he nods, giving me a, probably cheesy, smile that is hidden underneath his mask.

I cross my arms and give him a look.

'How is life?' he ask lightly. I see him glance over my shoulder a little.

'Who are you hiding from?' I ask, turning my head as well. There is no one there.

'No one,' he immediately answers. He then starts coughing. He sounds pretty bad and I worriedly place a hand on his back. 'You're sick,' I point out.
'No, no,' he mutters and shrugs it off. He then pulls out a piece of paper out of his back pocket.
'Could you sign this?' he then asks hastily.

I grab it and read it, ignoring his protest.

'I can't sign this without examining you…' I say, getting a little angry with him, knowing exactly what he is trying to pull off.

'It's command,' he then says, showing no sign of humor. I roll my eyes at his lame attempt.
'You can't command me to sign a paper, especially one stating you are capable of working when you're obviously not…'

'I'm fine, Sakura,' he says shrugging it off again. 'You're medic but you know how my life is…'

'Did you take some time off like the doctor had prescribed?' I ask, feeling like an old nagging woman when doing so. I almost catch myself tapping my heel on the floor but stop myself just on time.

'It was just the flu,' he points out.

'Flu can lead to various other diseases, including pneumonia! Which sounds like it!' I yell out. 'You need lots of rest, no stress! You need to take some time off—are you hiding from a medic?' I then ask him, realizing that was who he was running from.

'I fall asleep on my desk,' he dryly answers instead.
'That must be most comfortable…' I say rolling my eyes again. 'I thought you said you had an assistant?'
'She can't sign papers.'
'She can read them and tell you about them…'
'But I still need to read them myself,' he then says.
'You don't trust her?' I ask in disbelief.
'You never know, she might've skipped something or misread—'You need to learn to let go of these thoughts and trust her, Kakashi…'

'I'm aware,' he dryly says. He looks so tired as if he could fall asleep any moment.

'I'll take a look at you but I'm not signing that paper just yet!'

'You're lucky…' I mumble, signing the paper. 'Do take it easy,' I then add. 'I mean it, if it weren't for you I wouldn't sign it though…'
'I'm the Hokage,' he points out. 'I can't take nap in the middle of the day.'
'You are also human, which makes you capable of becoming ill from time to time.'
'Sunagakure is holding the Chunin-exams, it would be unheard of for me to not show up,' he then enlightens me.
I think about it for a moment. 'Well, the sun should do you some good…'
'It's sunny here too,' he flatly points out.
'Not like in Suna,' I answer sharply.

He then just smirks at me and I can't help but laugh it off myself.

'Are you going to let your students participate?' he then asks grabbing the book I was reading off of my table.

'You think they are ready for that?' I ask in surprise.

He thinks about it for a moment, letting himself slouch in my couch a bit further. I stretch out again, noting my table is bit hard to sit on.

'You did great,' he says while nodding in thought. 'I think you should at least give it a try, I'm certainly willing to give them a chance.'

I nod, thinking about it a bit more myself.

'Sakura,' Kakashi starts. I look up finding him looking a bit uneasy. 'Sasuke… he officially lives here now.'

'I know,' I say with a nod. 'We… we are what we are.' I then shrug, not feeling like explaining it all to him.

'I feel that you are more aware of what you want,' he quietly says, obviously observing me and how I had just reacted. I'm grateful he doesn't pressure on about Sasuke.

'I am.'

The answer comes off more mysterious then I had wanted and my tone is a bit more daring than I had intended. But then again, it was him searching me out. He didn't have to come here…

He smirks in reaction but ignores my words. 'Do you… do you feel better?' he asks changing the subject. 'I certainly see difference in you but how do you feel?'

I reflect a little. I used to feel like I was swinging my arms around aimlessly, I was angry at a lot of things. Mostly myself. But maybe I was just trying to fight off… emptiness. I was feeling like I was running out of time or rather that time wasn't moving at all. I wasn't getting where I wanted to be.

I was too afraid to move forward but so very exhausted of standing still.

'I dared to move… and I stumbled and fell,' I answer with a grin, which was obviously fake. I lower my eyes and take a deep breath. I wasn't content with how it went but it happened and perhaps that was the most important part. I was here, where I wanted to be.

'Yeah… I stumbled a lot too,' he said looking a bit upset himself.

I immediately knew who he was talking about. Obito. I could tell a part of him regretted the fact that he was no longer around, though he had unknowingly been alive for so long, the moment they found each other again they had to immediately part again. For good this time.

Though he didn't say it, Kakashi did blame himself a little. Perhaps it was in our DNA to feel guilty about life's events. I put a hand on his knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He goes with his hands through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh.

'I didn't mean for you to stumble,' he mutters to me.

'I know.'

We stare at each other a little before he sits up.

I still warm up inside whenever he puts his arms around me. Closing my eyes, I hold on a little longer then I should.

'You don't have to be scared,' he whispers in my hair.

'Why didn't you say that months ago…?' I whisper back.
'I'm not very good with these things…'

I snicker when hearing him say that.

We both get startled by knock on my door. I stare warily at the door, wondering who it could be so late at night. When I hear another knock and soft girly voice calling out my name, I relax.
'One of my students,' I explain while finding it now a bit odd to take distance from him.

'Ha,' he laughs. 'At least yours reach out to talk to you… I always had to chase them around.'

'I never made you chase me,' I answer in a hurt voice. He immediately smirks in response.

It is unfamiliar smirk to me, inclined for more adult moments. I simply mischievously smirk back.

Another knock. She sounded upset. 'Sakura-sensei?'

'I have to go, you should go talk to her…' he advices me. He holds up the piece of paper and thanks me again but not before adding that he will listen and take it easy.

Ha, I've trained him as well as he has trained me, I triumphantly think to myself with a snicker.

Yet I sigh at the aching question burning on my tongue now. 'Kakashi…?' I start hesitantly, grabbing his arm. He halts, patiently waiting for the talk. 'I know you said…' I swallow nervously. 'I now it can't but…'
But before I can ask the question he leans into my ear and whispers, 'Maybe in a few years when you're older and our days are long forgotten. When I'm even older and you'll then probably think I'm too old and pretend to have forgotten this whole idea.'

I laugh and he leaves without saying another word to me, back out through the window. I see him jumping from rooftop to rooftop and he disappears into the night.

'Goodnight, Kakashi,' I say biting my lip. I guess time could only resolve us… but I wasn't complaining, I didn't mind holding on to this weird chemistry a bit longer. Maybe he was right, maybe I'd lose interest or meet someone. Or maybe it would just fade off.

I then run to my door and open it up quickly. I find my student standing before my door with teary eyes and disgruntled expression, needing someone to talk to. I let her in my home, offer her something to eat and-or drink. I listen and I try to help.

I comfort her.

I was scared for so long. I was scared of lonely.

Seeing that only shadow on my blank walls. Hearing only my own heartbeat.

At times I swear I couldn't breathe.

And I guess I thought I needed someone to hold me, to make that change, to make me feel again… Sasuke had stretch his hand out for mine but… I needed so much more than that.

See, I used to think I was not living life. I used to wait for a person, a feeling a or a goal to come along.

And then no matter how much I tried to change, I felt like I couldn't run from those dark thoughts and feelings.

I look before me and see my students waiting for me at the gates. Impatiently looking around for me.

Those feelings won't disappear so easily. Depression, insecurity, loneliness…

Above else, one simply can't do it alone. It takes people. Conversations. Events.

I no longer desire to take others "darkness" away, simply because it cannot be done so easily.

Hurt is feeling created over time, so it would need time to fade again too.

So I gave myself a few more years to do so.

'Sakura-sensei!' One of the girls happily greets me.
'Where are we going?' the other one asks excitingly.
'I heard the chunin-exames are coming up,' the boy mutters, giving me a meaningful look. I ignore his gaze.

'Are we entering?' he then asks arrogantly, though it was more to hide his obvious curiosity.

Sometimes things don't go as planned. I wasn't exactly who I thought I'd be.

'Nope,' I say.

I allowed myself to be a bit selfish from time to time. One could see it as giving into a dark feeling.

Though if anyone ask, I would say more training was due.

'Can I take lead!?' the loud girl asks me excitingly.
'No!' the other one answers disapprovingly.

'Girls,' I strictly say, hushing them immediately. I take good look at the two.

I'm not ready to be a mother yet though I find myself being one at times. I have to suppress a grin, thinking about my own mentor, who was practically a mother to me.

My heart still flutters when thinking how they'll care about me one day as much as I care about her.

'You take lead,' I say to the boy.

'Where are we going?'

I shrug. 'Wherever that scrolls says we're going,' handing him over the mission.

I find myself to be a in beautiful state, somewhere between searching and finding.

We start running.

The leaves of the high top threes create a beautiful pattern on us. The sun shining brightly in between, warming us up as we go. I smile, looking at the boy before me while then taking a glance at the two bickering girls behind me.

I found a place in between the shadows.

I still get scared of being lonely but I've finally found an anchor to make me hold my ground.

And there it is. I hope you enjoyed it! THANK YOU for all your support! Don't forget to review one more time!

A few words about the story: I just wanted to say that this story is very tumult for a reason, it is so you would understand the hardship of loneliness and what it does to a person. I hope you understand the ending is all about what Sakura wants which turns out to be a rather simple thing. She just wanted her life to have color again. Live and be freed of her own mind. She completely understand life has its ups and downs and accepts that she herself even creates a certain complexity to it (her affection for Kakashi for example).
Her never ending devotion to Sasuke continued to exist because she kept holding on to being someone she wasn't, or rather her uncertainty to who she wanted to be. In the end she realized she can't be herself with him (which is of course only in this fanfiction, so hush!). Her encounters with Orochimaru and Mitsuki point out how very different she is from him. And that's kind of the gist of it in short… I don't know I just kind of wanted to share that. But I'd love to know your thoughts and how you feel about this story!

And to those who wanted to see her with a certain someone, I might write a one-shot about that… but I don't know yet.

Thank you so much for reading!

Love,

Aurvelia.