Got one more in, compliments of insomnia :)
Kate was entering her 14th week of pregnancy and things were going well. She sighed in relief when she had entered her 12th week because it marked her entrance into the second trimester of her pregnancy. The doctor was very pleased that the baby was continuing to grow and that the most dangerous period for spontaneous abortion was passing. It was still too soon to do any testing, and it would be another two weeks at minimum before they could tell the gender of the child, which usually occurred between 16 and 20 weeks.
Three days after Christopher's arrival Alexis came home. She'd had an exam and had to stay to study for it or she would have come sooner. When she entered the loft she could immediately tell that something was different.
Both her dad and Kate looked exhausted. She also noted that a few baby things were scattered around the living room. That's strange, Alexis thought to herself, isn't it a little early to be buying toys for the baby? All members of her family were currently sitting on the couch, as her dad motioned for her to join them.
Alexis sweetie, earlier this week we got some surprising news. Alexis looked from her dad to Kate,
"Oh my God. Is it the baby? Is something wrong with the baby? Are you ok Kate? Did you get some bad news?" the panic was radiating off of the young woman.
"No Alexis." Kate answered, "it's nothing like that." She nodded at Kate, slightly relieved by the detective's reassurances that she and the baby were fine.
"Alexis," her dad started, "Do you remember the flight attendant I dated back when Kate and I weren't talking?" Alexis nodded before speaking,
"Yeah, the air-head. Although I don't know if you'd consider that dating dad, you saw her for like 3 days." Alexis smiled and rolled her eyes at her dad, but all three faces continued to look back at her seriously. The smile fell from her face as she listened.
"Sweetie, she was killed in the commercial plane crash that's been all over the news." He informed her.
"Dad that's terrible." She responded. Castle simply nodded his agreement.
"The thing is Alexis, when we were together we…I mean she…"
"Just say it dad." Alexis pressed him.
"She became pregnant." Alexis' face drained of all color.
"Oh my gosh, was the baby on the plane?" She asked.
"No, he wasn't." He assured her.
"She never told me that she was pregnant, and she went back home, where she had a husband-who she also never mentioned." Alexis raised her eyebrows.
"She convinced her husband that the child was his, but the secret came out and he left her and the child." Alexis was catching on to where the conversation was heading quickly. She didn't speak.
"When Jacinda died her living will was read, and she named me as the child's father Alexis." She didn't change her expression.
"Alexis we had a paternity test and the child is mine." Alexis looked from her dad to her grandma, as if trying to determine whether or not this was a joke. When she was met with the somber face of the older woman she took the news to be true. Finally, she turned to Kate, feeling like she needed to gauge her reaction before forming her own.
She didn't know why she felt that way, but imagined it had something to do with how close the two had grown over the years. Kate was as close to a mother as Alexis had. When she looked at her she found that the woman was staring back at her, sympathy in her eyes and peace on her face.
It was as if Kate were whispering everything's going to be alright sweetie, into Alexis' ear. The red-head finally noticed that Kate was clasping her dad's hand tightly, their fingers laced together as if to say, I'm in this too and will not be going anywhere.
The first reaction she gave was a smile to Kate. Then she turned to her dad and began asking questions.
"How old is he?" She was told he was nearly 6 and a half months old.
"Where is he now?" came her next question. When they told her that the spare room was being converted into a bedroom for the boy she jumped to her feet and ran to the room.
They sat on the couch and waited patiently and quietly. At one point he moved to get up, but Kate kept him in place. She leaned in and whispered, "give her a second to get used to the idea Rick." He nodded and continued to wait, his nerves wreaking havoc on the rest of his body.
Finally, Alexis came out of the spare room. Rick looked to her face and saw that she was crying. His heart broke as it fell with disappointment. He hoped and prayed that Alexis would be able to accept her little brother. He walked softly to her and pulled her into a hug, "baby this doesn't change how I feel about you and it won't change how I feel about the little one growing inside of Kate right now."
She simply nodded before pulling out of the hug with a big smile on her face. "Dad, he's perfect. He's so tiny and so cute. I don't know how I can possibly love someone that I just met so much, but I do dad! It's amazing. He has your eyes and those curls are just adorable. "
He let out a laugh of relief, as both Martha and Kate smiled. He pulled her into another hug and kissed the top of her head. "You have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that Alexis." He spoke, a tear running down his own cheek.
Kate was happy, but once more felt a twinge of fear in her heart. The baby inside her was growing, but they didn't know if it was healthy. Additionally, Kate couldn't get over the feeling of anxiety she got when around Christopher. She was always afraid that she was going to hurt the child, treating him like he was a breakable piece of china. She was also afraid that once she messed up, she would be such a disappointment to Rick, that her lack of maternal skills would have him regretting his decision to start a family with her.
Her eyes watered at the thought, but everyone interpreted her reaction to be related to Alexis and her dad. She faked a smile and got herself up to get some water. Suddenly, Martha was behind her in the kitchen.
"I don't know what's been wrong Kate, but you've been different, almost unsure since the baby entered this house." She spoke in a low voice.
"I'm fine Martha, just not feeling-" Her attempt at an excuse was cut short by Martha's interjection.
"I don't buy it Kate, I know you better than that. Something is wrong. I wish you would share it with me." Kate eyed her, unsure about what to do next. Watching the detective contemplate prompted Martha to keep speaking.
"Kate, when you married my son you became my daughter-in-law, I considered you to be like a daughter before, but now it's official. So Kate, please let me in. What's going on?" Martha urged her to open up.
She looked at her a moment longer and contemplated, she then decided to speak. "Having Christopher here has just made me aware of how inept I am at the whole mothering thing."
"Kate…" Martha admonished her, wanting her to be easier on herself.
"No Martha, we've got a 6 month old and I'm pregnant. That will be two infants, one of which may not be healthy," as she spoke the latter part of her sentence her hands moved to her belly. She continued.
"How will I be a good mother to two babies if I can't be a mother to one?" She stared down at her own feet.
"Katherine Beckett-Castle. You listen to me now. You are not a bad mother. You are a new and inexperienced mother. Even if you'd given birth to that boy," she motioned her hand in the direction of Christopher's room as she continued to speak, "even if you were his biological mother, there would always have been an adjustment period." Kate simply looked at her.
"Kate, I'm going to share a little known secret about motherhood. It does not come naturally, you have to learn how to do it. None of us just know what to do after we have children. There is no magic moment when all wisdom is imparted upon you because you've given birth." She then took Kate's hands in her own.
"Kate, when I had Richard, I convinced the hospital to let me stay a whole week longer than necessary. I didn't stay because I needed to physically. I stayed because I was terrified to be left alone with this little…person. I had no idea what I was doing." Kate's eyes widened, "Really?" she spoke.
"Really", Martha confirmed. "Then your hormones go wild and you feel overwhelmed and sleep deprived and depressed…"
"Wow, I'm looking forward to giving birth more and more now." Kate sarcastically spoke.
"Kate, I am not telling you this to scare you, I'm telling you this because what you are feeling is completely normal. Nobody talks about when children are first born, those first few months. People tell us that we should feel like they are the happiest moments in our lives and we should be head over heels in love with our babies. So, when women feel insecure, scared, overwhelmed or frustrated, they think that they are abnormal. They think that something must be wrong with them, when there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."
A tear slipped down Kate's cheek, Martha's words really tapped into the helplessness she'd been feeling. "Then what do I do?" She asked.
"You spend time with Christopher. You give yourself time to become comfortable with him. You go easy on yourself." Martha told her.
"There is only one question for you Kate." Martha continued.
"What?"
"When you get passed all of your self-doubt, all of your fears, how do you feel when you look at Christopher?"
Kate swallowed and let herself just concentrate on her feelings for the boy. How did she feel about him?
"I feel affectionate, tender; he's so cute and so very sweet. He's such a mild-mannered baby. He can bring a smile to my face so quickly. I love to watch you all interact with him, you look like a family."
Martha interjected, "we are a family, all of us Kate." She nodded and smiled, focusing once again on how she truly felt about the boy.
"I want to protect him and keep him safe. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I love that I can see so much of Rick in him." She paused and then continued with some hesitation in her voice.
"But when I look at him I feel scared. Terrified. What if I hurt him? He's Castle's child, if I hurt him I would never be forgiven. I'd never forgive myself." Martha smiled at her admission and responded to her.
"So let me get this straight, when you look at Christopher you feel affection, tenderness, protectiveness and a lot of fear?" Kate nodded at Martha, affirming her assessment of the situation.
"So, in other words, you feel just like every other new mother on the planet feels." She smiled at her then, squeezing Kate's hands.
"The question Kate, is do you want to move past the fear to let the other emotions in? Do you want to be the boy's mother?"
"Yes, very much. When I married Rick I signed up for the long haul. We share everything, this boy is going to be part of our family and I want to raise him here, with Castle. I want to keep him safe and happy. He deserves to have two parents."
Martha smiled, "Then give yourself permission to do that Kate, ease into it. These things don't happen overnight."
Kate nodded at her, "ok. I'll try to be more patient with myself."
"Good." Martha spoke, "And for the love of God, talk to my son. Let him know how you're feeling. He's done this before and I guarantee that he could identify with all of the emotions you're dealing with. It would be good for him to know what you're thinking too. He worries about you, you know."
She smiled at Martha as she was pulled into a hug, "I will. Thank you." She then kissed Kate's cheek, speaking one more time, "Because I know you don't get to hear this, and I know that she'd want you to know every day of your life; Kate, you are a mother's dream come true."
With that Kate smiled, the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. With a shaky voice she answered, "Thank you."