I sat on the couch, my head leaning on my left hand, regretting… everything.

Then there was a knock on the door, and as I got up to answer it, it opened to Nat and Steve, clearly having picked the lock. I cursed myself for being so traceable and stood in one place.

"Buck, we need to talk, man," Steve said, taking a step towards me, holding his hands out to plea, as if I could burst at any moment.

I sighed and nodded, having not said a word in days, but only crying at my own loss. I took a seat at the makeshift table, Nat and Steve taking places as well. So this was going to be a diplomatic conversation.

Natasha put her hand on my human one, trying her best to have a look of comfort on her face. I smiled, taking her hand in both of min and squeezed lightly.

"What do we need to talk about?" I asked, looking from Nat to Steve, feigning idiocy. My voice was raspy, betraying just how upset I've been and broken down the past few months days.

Steve looked closely at the lines on my face, studying the crevices that hadn't been all that noticeable since I had first joined the Avengers.

"You need to come back, Bucky," he said, "You can't just run away from your feelings."

I looked down into my lap, "I can't, we both know what will happen if Nives gets too close to me. I'll snap again eventually and I -"

My voice trailed away.

Nat shook her head, "No one would let that happen, Barnes."

At that point my jaw started working as I tried to control my anger, "I'm not going back with you two!"

Nat and Steve simply looked at each other. "Come on in," Steve said.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

Next, Vision came through the door (literally), "I'm sorry I have to do this James." And I was knocked out.

"I feel like we're going to regret this," Nat said, putting her arm under Bucky's to lift him off the chair, "And he hasn't showered in more than a few days."

She turned her head to the side so as to try and not smell him too much.

"Well, let's forget about his initial upset with us, and when he wakes up, we'll try to talk him into at least, I don't know, talking to her."

"We will need a lot of help from some other being than us for that," Vision said, as the four of them walked out of the apartment, Bucky being supported by Nat and Steve.

Misplaced trust in old friends, never counting the regrets, by the grace of God I do not rest at all.

Wanda held me in her arms, stroking my hair and quieting me, "It will be okay, Nives, everything will be okay."

It felt like my brain was trying to pound out of my head, making my vision swim and shift. A glass of water is pressed to my lips and I turn away, the lump in my throat already making it hard to swallow. But the cup was at my lips again and I figured it wouldn't stop trying to get me to drink, so I took a small sip of it, allowing it to play against my tongue. The sheer coldness made my mouth water for more and I found myself reaching out to take it. I ended up drinking all of it (only half a glass), and I turned to bury my head in Wanda's shoulder again to find Bucky sitting next to me. Time stopped as I took in Bucky's look, his beard that he hadn't shaved, the bags under his eyes, and the redness of them. Pink lips, that looked so soft, almost like I could kiss them, and oh how I dreamed of kissing them.

But time moved again, and the glass that was in my hand shattered against Bucky's arm, and I was screaming at him, I couldn't be sure what I was saying but he looked so hurt, and the tears spilled over the edge, ruining his perfect face. And now I was crying too, because seeing Buck like this made my heart turn to dust. His arms were around me then, and they were so strong, they held me there, and I fought him, I swore I did. My mouth speaking without thinking, and I beat into his chest like a mad woman.

Yet he just holds me, and though his arms keep me relatively still, they are somehow pliable and soft. As I start to calm down he lets me go, and just watches me, tears still steadily pouring down his face.

"I had no idea what I put you through, Nives," Bucky broke the silence, resting his hand on my thigh, and I quickly remove it.

"Nor will you ever really know," I didn't look at him, but made my voice as sharp the pieces of broken glass now on the floor, "I never want to see you again, Barnes."

I reverted to his last name because calling him Bucky… it was just too much, it let him see how much I still cared about him.

He put his hand on my cheek, gently forcing me to look at him, "I don't think that's true, otherwise Steve wouldn't have come to get me."

He looked at you with intent eyes, and a soft voice, the tears on his cheeks quickly drying, but there were new ones, I could see them, already forming and ready to start a new course.

I crossed my arms to shield myself from his gaze, like an onslaught of feeling and love. Soon they became clear, and I melted into them. Ages seemed to pass before I was snapped out of my daydream of … I can't really say. Of those blue eyes, above me and looking at me with nothing but love, and those pink lips coming ever so closer to my maple ones. But this was reality, and I turned my head away.

"How can I trust you? You left me, Bu-Barnes, you left me and the only reason you're back is because Steve dragged you here."

His crestfallen look gave me strength to keep going. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.

"You broke me, and," I paused, I still love you, I want to hold you, we can make this better.

Something in my look must have given Bucky a queue as to what I was going to say, because just then he grabbed me, and he kissed me, and he was salty from his tears and it sent my whole body into tingles, but it just had to be wrong. Because Bucky left, and he wasn't coming back, this was just to make me fall for him again. I pulled away and onto my feet, losing my balance slightly and when Bucky reached out to catch me I just stumbled backwards into the door.

"No," I shook my head, "No, y-you can't have me. I don't care how much I love you, I don't care how much you mean to me, you can't."

"Doll, I won't make you but I don't want to be on a bad page when we will have to work together."

Anger flowed through me at that, "If you're staying I'm leaving. I can't keep seeing you every single day. I can't keep wondering when the next time you're going to decide you can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling at home in your arms, and loving you and wishing the best for you if you. You don't get to make the decision that I let you in."

"I know I wasn't there, I want to make up with you, and if that means taking a year or two or ten to gain your trust again, doll, I'll do it. I would do practically anything for you. But the one thing I won't let you do is walk away from this without trying."

I try my best to never let you in to see the truth. And I've never opened up, I've never truly loved till you put your arms around me.

I hope you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling. I'll never let our love get so close.

Bucky was right in front of me then, and my breath hitched as a new wave of tears ripped through me, blurring my vision, and I suddenly became aware that my headache was still there. I felt like I was going to pass out.

Bucky simply opened his arms to me, and all I could do was fall into them, breathing in his familiar scent, and letting go. Just like every time we come back from a mission and I collapse on my bed, grateful to finally be home.

Bucky and I were sitting on the couch, watching one of the latest movies to come out, that Tony was able to get because of what he called charm (and everyone else called cash). We were cuddling, Bucky's hand in my hair, absentmindedly brushing it.

"I'm happy," I blurted.

"What?"

"I just realized, I'm happy. You aren't an unattainable daydream anymore. You're real and you care about me and I just love you."

Buck smiled into my hair, "Good, you deserve it, doll."

Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore. No, no, heaven doesn't seem so far away…