Disclaimer: SSDD
Warnings: Language and Smut... Slashy Slashy Smut - Don't like it - DON'T READ
Author's Note:
This is WAY longer than it should be and in the interest of consistency I should have broken it up into two chapters - but I'm too tired and can't find a good place to break it without making one still too long and the other too short... So deal with it.
Also.
Dulmer and Lucsly are NOT MINE - they are Canon - DS9 I believe... but it seemed appropriate to use them.... Their names ARE anagrams for Mulder and Scully - although I did add the first names - which was sooooo hard and not at all original either...
Anyway - given the fact that their names are admitted anagrams - I HAD to include some horrible horrible puns/jokes. I would apologize for that - but I'm just that kind of person, with that kind of lame sense of humor, and I can't apologize for being me... lol.
James will be back next chapter. There's still a ways to go and a few things to find out.
As always - please review - THANKS
T
Jim waited until they were all seated and ready to listen and then launched into his explanation. He had contemplated resigning for a long time. He'd done a good job of keeping everything to himself. Neither Spock, nor, Bones, nor Kevin had suspected anything. No one had. He only allowed himself to let the depression and self-doubt set in when he was in his quarters alone. He hadn't made his decision lightly and it had been one of the hardest and most painful decisions he'd ever had to make.
Leaving the Enterprise meant leaving the only home he'd ever really know, or felt was a real home and not just a place to live. It meant leaving the people who had become his family, his ship, his crew, his officers and his best friends. Above all it meant leaving his two adopted brothers, Bones and Kevin, and …. It meant leaving Spock. Leaving Spock was what kept him from resigning for over six months. However, as time had gone by, the recruitment numbers kept going down and the transfer requests kept going up, and people kept dying on away missions, for stupid reasons.
Add to that the fact that Spock had shown no romantic inclinations towards him, and Jim knew that it was a bad idea to try and get involved with someone he worked so closely with and staying seemed pointless. He knew that if he stayed, just to be close to Spock, it would be a mistake.
Eventually he'd slip and do something, or say something, and Spock would have found out that Jim was in love with him. Jim had felt that combined with everything else, and the fact that the rumors were keeping good recruits from wanting to serve aboard the Enterprise, that he had no choice but to relinquish command. He needed to put the Enterprise and what was best for the future of the Federation's Flagship first, and he couldn't risk screwing up his friendship with Spock. He'd been sure that if Spock found out that he was in love with him, Spock would hate him.
So he'd made his decision. He'd written up his letter of resignation, but he hadn't sent it right away. He put it in his desk and sat on it for two days. He'd called his Uncle John, who'd moved to Florida, and asked if he could buy the Cabin in Island Park and the Ranch in Idaho, and then bought them. He'd called Sam and told him he was coming home, without explaining it was permanent, made him think it was for an extended visit. He'd told Bones about buying his Uncle's properties but made it sound like it was just to have a home base and for shore leave, but made it clear to Bones that there was a guest room with his permanent name on it.
He'd done the same with Kevin, and to a lesser degree with Hikaru, Pavel, Scotty and Uhura. Tthen he'd had dinner with Spock. They'd had a wonderful evening, talking, playing chess, discussing literature, both Earth and Vulcan varieties. He'd told Spock about the Cabin in Island Park. He'd invited Spock to come stay there with him on their next shore leave, just the two of them, if Spock wanted.
Spock had indicated that it sounded like an enjoyable respite, but hadn't seemed overly interested in the idea. Jim had thought he saw a flicker of interest there, but he just couldn't be sure, and he definitely couldn't be sure enough to change his mind. No, if he was going to pursue anything with Spock, he needed to wait to do it until after he'd resigned. That way there would be no further consequences to the Enterprise if he was wrong and it didn't work out.
When Spock retired to his own quarters for the evening Jim sat down and pulled out the resignation. He'd tied up all his loose ends. He'd said goodbye without saying goodbye. He'd figured he'd break the news to them and say the actual words once they got back to Earth, which had been scheduled for three days later. He'd checked over the resignation, drafted a formal e-mail to Admiral Pike, attached the resignation, and was just about to hit send, when a flash of light emitted from behind him and a hand reached out and grabbed his wrist.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that Captain Kirk," the man holding his wrist had said.
The man had introduced himself as David Lucsly, a Temporal Agent for DTI, the Department of Temporal Investigations. What followed was an unconvincing conversation in which Lucsly tried to talk Kirk out of resigning and explain to him how important it was to the future of the Federation that he remain Captain of the Enterprise, despite the fact that Kirk alone had the biggest file in the DTI, with 17 separate temporal violations, and that had been in the original time-line. The current time-line was fluctuating, which was in itself causing a great deal of concern, but in one fluctuation Kirk had amassed 24 violations in his file.
This explanation had done nothing to help Lucsly convince Jim of anything, except that he was quite possibly crazy and needed to be confined to the Brig. So Lucsly had no choice but to transport Jim to DTI headquarters, where he and his partner Gil Dulmer, spend the next three to four days tirelessly explaining all things Temporal to Jim and going over every detail of his file with him. They also outlined the future of the Federation, and what would happen to cause its demise if Jim himself was not at the helm of the Enterprise.
To this Jim had characteristically stated that he wasn't at the helm, Sulu was, he just sat in the big chair and said punch it. This did not help his situation, and only caused them to start over from the beginning. In the end, he did not see their point, and they certainly did not see his, and so the decision was made to create a younger Jim.
Dulmer was convinced that through a child's – through his own eyes as a child, Kirk would understand how important he was to the Enterprise, to his crewmates, to his friends, and to Spock. Lucsly wasn't so sure. He seemed to understand more than Dulmer what was motivating Kirk psychologically speaking, and where his self-doubt and feelings of failure seemed to derive. Lucsly seemed to think that Kirk needed intensive psychological counseling. Dulmer disagreed.
"The truth is out there Lucsly, and his younger self will see it. He won't let Jim's adult negativity sway him. Jim may need some counseling, but his friends can handle that. What he really needs to get over this self-doubt is love. He needs to understand unconditional love, the kind he never got as a child, because his mother was too busy wallowing in self-pity.
Jim's child self will get that kind of love. He'll get it from the crew, and from his officers. He'll get it and finally understand it, from Kevin Riley and Leonard McCoy, and most importantly, he'll get it from Commander Spock, which is what he needs most. He needs to understand how much Commander Spock Loves him and be able to give that love back before he can love himself."
"He's been described as an arrogant prick. I think he loves himself enough." Luclsy had countered.
"Hey, I resent that." Jim had hollered but been ignored.
"Arrogance does not automatically translate into healthy self-esteem or self-love. You know that Luclsy. Through the eyes of a child, Jim will understand his destiny. His destiny is to remain aboard the Enterprise, to be its Captain, and to stay with Commander Spock, and you know that as well. It is the two of them together, that save the Federation, define the Federation, and in whom future generations model their commands.
What Jim needs to really understand where it is he is destined to be is love and acceptance, and once he's accepted as his younger self, that his place is aboard Enterprise and with Spock, then he will be ready to accept as Jim, that his place is as Enterprise's Captain, and that his heart belongs with Spock as Spock's bondmate. As a child, he would need the unconditional love that a parent or family member gives to a child, so that he can re-build the self-esteem he never had the chance to build in his own childhood. As Jim, he needs somebody to pound it into his thick skull that shit happens, and it can't be avoided, and that his destiny is to be the Captain of the Enterprise. Spock will be the one he'll listen to, the one that can pound it into him. Spock will be the one willing to pound it into him over and over and over until Jim finally accepts it and believes him," Dulmer finished with a bit of a leer.
"You may be right about all that Dulmer. You've made your point. I'm willing to go along with your little experiment. Even though I get the feeling your choice of words are just a euphemism for…"
"Stop, right there, we're not going to talk about Spock pounding me with anything over and over except INFORMATION, so just … don't even go there." Jim broke in, finally getting their attention. "Look you guys want to play games, I can't stop you, and I'll admit, the plan doesn't sound… all bad. If fact it kinda sounds like I'll get a little vacation out of the deal, so whatever, but what if you're wrong. What if my kid self does 'get' whatever you are wanting him to get and wants to stay aboard the Enterprise with Spock and be Captain and all that, but I still don't , despite Spock's supposed poundings. What then?"
"Then you will remain aboard the Enterprise with the personality and mind of a child, for however long it takes."
"That's what I'm saying. What if I never change my mind."
"You will, and if I'm completely wrong and you don't, well, I've run the data through the simulator so many times that there really is no doubt. Your presence aboard Enterprise in any fashion is better than none at all. You and Spock are a team. He relies on you for more than just your opinions. His love and self-worth and confidence are just as wrapped up in you as yours are in him. If you leave Enterprise, his Command will never be as effective as it is with you aboard. In fact, it is unlikely that he will remain in Command. Fifty percent of the scenarios end with him resigning as well, which leads to the even quicker demise of the Federation.
In the sims I ran with you staying aboard the Enterprise with the mind of a child, some factions of the Federation still remained intact even without you in the Captain's seat. But not all, and the Romulan/Klingon attack still leaves the Federation so depleted that they stand no chance against the Borg incursion. You have to understand Jim, remaining on board as James is better than nothing, but in order to save the future Earth, of the human race and countless other races in the Alpha and Beta quadrants, it has to be you in that Captain's chair for the next ten years or twenty, and not Commander Spock."
"Ten or twenty?"
"Well you know, there's that whole getting promoted to Admiral and then getting bucked back down to Captain thing, which is a whole different Temporal Investigation all together. That one takes up a good portion of your file I might add, and neither of us was assigned to it, so therefore, it's irrelevant." Dulmer explained.
"You're talking about the whale thing right?"
"Right but you'll forget about that. You'll forget anything we've talked about pertaining to future events actually. We can't have you having too much information about the future after all. Just that alone would affect the space time continuum. What I will make sure that you remember is that it is of the utmost importance that you retain the Captaincy of the Enterprise when I make your younger self."
"When you make my younger self?"
"It involves bringing forth prominent memories from you long term memory centers and accessing those memories you retain from when you were three to seven years of age, which is considered the age of innocence. You'll still have access to adult memories in a limited capacity, to help you deal with having an adult body, but your personality will be formed by those memories and your younger self will be in the driver's seat so to speak."
"What he's trying to say," Lucsly broke in, "is that your adult consciousness and personality will be repressed and the personality you had when you were very young will be brought forward. It will be not unlike a truly symbiotic relationship."
"So it will be like I'm the symbiote and the kid is the host, because he's driving or in charge or whatever?"
"Precisely. You'll be privy to everything he experiences, but it will be his mind and personality making the decisions and reacting to experiences."
"Even if I don't agree with those decisions? I mean come on. It's MY body."
"It is your body and you won't necessarily disagree with his decisions Jim. He will be you and you will be him. He won't make any decisions you yourself wouldn't have made at that age, given the same situations and circumstances. He's not going to be a separate entity like a true host/symbiote thing Jim. He's you. Your personality, your memories, the way you used to be."
"That doesn't mean I'll agree. I'm an adult now, with a lifetime of crap between then and now."
"He's still not going to do anything you would inherently disagree with, and as far as the Captaincy, and even Spock go, you'll both have to agree."
"Wait so then we'll have to interact somehow , even though my adult self will be repressed, he'll have to convince me, through his experiences that retaining the Captaincy is the right thing and right now, that aint' gonna happen. If he has influence over me, does that mean I have influence over him?"
"Of course, to an extent. I suppose the only way for me to really explain it is to say that it will be complicated Jim. You may even be able to, push your own personality to the forefront during certain situations, for safety purposes for example, but it would take great effort for you to do so. Your primary role during all of this will be to observe, and learn, and understand what your younger self is feeling and experiencing. You need to understand his point of view."
"Fine, okay, but this 'as long as it takes' bullshit is just that. Bullshit. I want a cut off time."
"You are in no position to bargain Jim."
"Oh really? You seem to think the fate of the fucking universe hangs on me, so I think I am in a position to bargain. I could tell you to go to hell you know, and find a way to fuck this up for you even if you go ahead and turn me into a kid against my will. You want me to cooperate, then let's deal."
"Allright, what's your proposition." Dulmer had asked, and the negotiations had gone on for hours before they finally came to an agreement. An argument ensued between Dulmer and Lucsly after that as to who should actually be programming the computer that would access Jim's memory centers and manipulate his memories and personalities.
Luclsy was the scientist by primary profession, and had become a time agent in secondary capacity. Dulmer had always been the investigative type. He had a scientific mind, but sometimes his ideas were far-fetched and this wasn't something he'd had a lot of experience with. Luclsy also had a psychology degree and was more familiar with the human brain, but it had been Dulmer that had invented the process, he'd just had Luclsy's help in perfecting it.
In the end they decided to do it together. Jim was strapped into a machine that resembled one of Bones' bio scanners, with electrode lasers pinpointing hundreds spots on his head. Dulmer stayed in the room with him while Luclsy ran the initial scans that would map Jim's brain. Dulmer needed to ask him questions while Lucsly measured and recorded his responses.
Jim was nervous. They were messing with his brain here. They may be from the future, but these two acted like they didn't know what they were doing .
"Relax Jim, we've done this before. It worked like a charm. You'll be fine." Dulmer had assured him. It hadn't helped. He started asking questions of his own to distract himself. He was mostly curious about all the other people who had appeared in the room to observe the process. Most were agents or higher ups.
"Hey - who's the weird guy in the corner who keeps smoking cigarettes?" Jim had asked, spotting a strange man half hidden in the shadows in the corner.
"Oh that's 'The Man Who Smokes Cigarrettes. He's my nemesis."
"That's helpful, why is he holding a glowy staff and wearing a robe?"
"Sometimes he moonlights as a Prior of the Ori?"
"A what?"
"Don't ask"
"You are by far the weirdest dude I've ever met Dulmer. Who's the tall bald guy with the glasses?"
"Oh that's Colonel Walter Steven Skinner-Caldwell"
"Colonel?"
"Air Force, X-Gate Division"
"What's the X-Gate Division?"
"Top Secret – lots of over the top cliché bad guys – and paranormal stuff – you wouldn't be interested."
"Why does the Air Force, even exist in the future? We barely still have military factions now, what with Starfleet and all."
"I'd love to tell you Jim but we have to get on with this."
Get on with it they did. It took hours just to map Jim's brain, and many many more hours to complete the transformation to Lucsly and Dulmer's satisfaction. It seemed that Jim was very unique indeed and seemed to be resisting the process to a great extent. Luclsy postulated that it had something to do with childhood traumas stemming from abuse and neglect.
* *
"Anyway, they finally figured it out, and then we came back in time and they sent out that subspace signal, which they knew long range probes would pick up. Scotty found the signal and once the confirmed that the Enterprise was en route, they left. I don't know if they went back to where they came from or if they're still around observing or what. But here I am, and here James is, and that's all I know." Jim finished.
Spock, Leonard and Kevin sat stunned at the long winded explanation. Finally they all started talking at once. They shot a lot of questions at him, only a few of which Jim could even answer.
"Okay, I have two questions that you need to figure out answers for genius." Kevin shot at him.
"What?"
"You said this Dulmer guy told you that you wouldn't remember any of the information you guys talked about, like what you supposedly do in the future and all that, because it would wreck the space time continuum, but you do. Why do you, I mean, that's bad right?"
"Hell if I know. I'm not the friggin genius from the future who thinks he knows everything and he ain't here now. I don't remember all the shit they said, just bits and pieces. I know that one thing he was talking about had something to do with going back to 1987 and humpback whales, but that was like the biggest part of my file, and I really don't remember much else that was in my file. That stuff really is kind of fuzzy. So I guess he sort of figured it out. But I remember him and Lucsly and I'm not supposed to I don't think. I also remember some key things that need to happen in order to preserve the time line and prevent the Borg incursion, and I remember what they said about the Borg and the Klingon/Romulan invasion. Why I do, I don't know. It must have something to do with how hard it was to perfect the process, because I was subconsciously resisting it even though I'd consciously agreed to it."
"Hmmm, okay, well, that makes sense I guess, but that brings me to my other question. What was the bargain?"
"What bargain?"
"The bargain you made with Dulmer, whatever he agreed to in order to get you to go along with this cockamamie scheme."
"That I'm not telling. And as for those key points I mentioned, you aren't getting another word out of me about those either. No man should know too much about his own destiny. As of right now, I do, but I'm sure as hell not putting any of you in that position. You know what you need to know. That's all I'm saying."
"Well I say the whole thing sounds like a damned B science fiction movie, with bad actors." Bones raved.
"Maybe so, but it is what it is Bones. Oh and just so you guys know, Dulmer and Lucsly were right about how hard it is for me to come forward. It's taking a hell of a lot of effort. In fact I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up, and before you ask, no, I'm not ready to accept my fate, or my destiny or whatever and retain the Captaincy. I'm still not convinced about all that. I think there has to be some kind of alternative. I just don't know what yet and… I just… I can't. I'm obviously making bad decisions, otherwise … I mean numbers don't lie. You know that right Spock?"
"I understand your reasoning Jim. However, I do not believe you have taken every possibility for those numbers into account. I will look into it myself before drawing conclusions."
Jim sat down on the couch beside Spock suddenly putting his head in his hands and pressing his fingers to his temples. His eyes closed and he let out a low moan. Spock automatically moved closer to Jim and rubbed circles on his back as he leaned in close to him. Leonard knelt down in front of him and made Jim look him in the eye.
"Migraine," he declared after testing Jim's pupil reactivity. "I'll go get a…"
"No, no hypos. It won't do any good Bones. This is because I'm fighting so hard to stay in control. Once James takes over again, the headache will dissipate."
"You mean you are not staying?" Spock inquired.
"I… no.. I can't… I," Jim stammered turning to look at Spock with his too blue eyes. The chocolate brown ones staring back at him, suddenly filled with emotion and glossed over with moisture. "I'm so sorry hon, but I can't. I want to, believe, me, I just don't have the strength. God this sucks." Jim yelled, pulling Sock into his arms and hugging the Vulcan tightly to him.
"Um… look Jim, you've explained what you could. I think Kevin and I know what we need to know, and what we need to do from here. We'll uh… leave you two alone."
"Thanks Bones," Jim said, rising to hug his friends. "Look you guys, you need to …"
"Don't worry Jimmy, mums the word," Kevin cut him off. "We won't say anything, Starfleet would have a hayday with this and we don't need them carting you off to experiment on you. Thanks for including me in this though. I really appreciate it."
"Yeah well, it's like Bones said, you're family Kev," Jim said giving the kid another hug. "I'll see you guys later huh? Tomorrow I mean. Well I mean I won't, James will, but, you know what I mean."
They knew and reassured him that it was okay and that they understood, as best as they could. Then they left Jim and Spock and retreated to Leonard's quarters so that they could talk and figure out how to convince Jim that he was wrong about being a horrible Captain and a bad person. They knew those figures had to be wrong and there had to be another explanation for the transfers and low recruitment quotas, they just had to figure out what it was. They were determined to do just that though, but they were going to need help, so quietly they assembled a team, a team that would be sworn to secrecy under pain of death, but a team that they knew would be so loyal to Jim, that they could trust them with the task and the reasons for it. They'd tell them as little as possible of course, but they had to know what they were trying to do and why, and what was at stake.
Meanwhile back in Spock's quarters, Spock and Jim were still sitting wrapped up in one another silently on the couch. Spock was using a telepathic technique to help alleviate Jim's migraine so that he could stay just a little bit longer. There was no need to prevent Spock from doing any type of mind meld or using his telepathy now that he knew everything. When he was done, Jim agreed that it was much better, just a dull ache.
"So, I need to know what you are thinking and feeling."
"It is a lot to take in."
"Yeah I know but, I need to know that you are going to be okay with it."
"You mean, am I going to treat James any differently? No I will not. This will be more difficult for me now that I know everything, but I will still love James unconditionally, and try to help him in whatever way I can."
"You are a good Dad Spock. The best. I wish…"
"I know Jim," Spock said simply, wrapping his arms around Jim once again and pulling Jim into his embrace.
"Maybe someday, when this is all over, you can be a Dad again. I mean we can always… Oh shit I'm totally jumping the gun. I'm sorry. Um.. look let's talk for a minute," Jim said reluctantly pulling out of Spock's warm embrace. "We haven't really discussed how you feel about all of this, and I don't mean the situation, I mean me. You've known for a while now that I had feelings for you before this all happened, I mean things happened to cause you to clue in to my attraction for you. Poor James, but anyway, you didn't exactly know that I was … well… in love with you, and now you do. I didn't mean for you to find out this way, I didn't mean for you to find out at all, and I… well I know that you love James, but that's different and I don't want to assume that just because you love James… I mean I know that you loving James doesn't automatically transfer to …."
Spock's kiss cut him off. It was tender but full of all the passion that Jim had been longing for. It was slow and sweet and Jim could feel so much love seeping from Spock's warm lips to his own. He fell back into Spock's embrace, bringing their bodies impossibly close, and sliding his fingers up to tangle them in Spock's impeccable hair and deepen the kiss. It seemed to last forever, yet when Jim realized he had no air left in his lungs, it had not lasted long enough. He broke the kiss with a sigh, still clinging to Spock, and pressed their foreheads together and he tried to catch his breath. Spock was breathing hard as well, but took a hold of Jim's hands and moved back just enough to look the human in the eye.
"Does that sufficiently answer your question…T'hy'la?"
"Hehe, yeah.. yeah I guess it does," Jim said with a chuckle, reaching in to give Spock another quick peck. "If the kiss didn't, the 'T'hy'la' did…. thank you… I um… I know what that word means. Are you sure? I mean, T'hy'la are rare."
''Yet that is what we are Jim, my Jim," Spock said in a low husky tone that went straight to Jim's nether regions, "my T'hy'la. I love you."
"Oh god Spock, I love you too," Jim declared, crushing his lips to Spock's once again. Their kissing became more frantic this time, more needy. They were soon horizontal on the couch, Jim divested of his Kobyashi Maru t-shirt, and Spock's uniform shirt, boots and socks discarded as well. Their hips ground together, the frottage eliciting delicious moans from both of their throats as their tongues battled for dominance in one another's mouth. Spock nipped and sucked his way down Jim's jaw, then his neck until he found the sensitive spot at the base of Jim's neck where it met his shoulder and Jim bucked his hips up into the Vulcan. This seemed to delight Spock to no end so he lavished that sensitive spot with his rough Vulcan tongue, nipping at it with his teeth until Jim's fingers were digging into Spock's butt cheeks, pulling him down to increase the friction between their hardened, but still clothed erections.
Spock continued his ministrations as Jim gasped and moaned and whimpered. He worked his way down to Jim's nipple and gently sucked the small pink bud between his teeth. A slew of expletives escaped Jim's lips and his fingers sunk into Spock's hair, pulling and tugging at the silky strands. When Spock latched onto his other nipple Jim cried out.
"Jeeezus tapdancing Christ Spock, if you don't stop I'm gonna cum."
"Is that not the purpose of these activities T'hy'la?" Spock leered lasciviously at his lover.
"Yeah," Jim chuckled, "but god Spock, you haven't even touched my dick yet, and these are my favorite Jeans, I'd rather not splooge all over them, and leave you to explain to laundry why James' clothes are covered in man juice."
"I have missed your crude humor more than I ever thought possible Jim," Spock said smiling genuinely, sitting up to admire Jim's half naked form.
Jim seemed to stare dreamily at Spock as well. "Do you have any idea how utterly beautiful you are when you smile? I mean seriously."
"Beautiful? Is that not a feminine term."
"Sorry, but there is no other word in any language to aptly describe the way you look right now to me. You are beautiful Spock, and I love that I am one of the privileged few who will ever see you smile like that, and blush the way you are doing right now. God, I just want to… hold this moment in my heart forever."
"As do I T'hy'la. How much longer?" Spock asked tentatively, seeing Jim wince just a little and absentmindedly raise a finger to massage one of his temples.
"Not long I'm afraid. I um… wanted to keep things simple, because of James, but um… I've got a little situation here that needs dealing with, and I don't think it makes any difference at this point whether I deal with it myself, or we deal with it together. I'd much rather deal with it together if that's okay with you, but, we need to take this into the bedroom, and we need to put James' pajamas on his bed in there so I can throw them on after we… "
"Go get them, I will secure the quarters and meet you in the bedroom, unless you think it would be better if we went to your room?"
"Normally I'd say yes, but, I don't think I'm going to be able to stay conscious for very long after, and I don't want you to have to carry me back over here, and like I said, at this point, the location is just semantics. I can't keep him from being aware, he already is."
"That is unfortunate."
"Yeah, I will try to help out with that so it doesn't get awkward. I'll do what I can love. Go, I'll be right there."
They separated briefly and when Jim got back he found the Vulcan naked and waiting for him on the bed. He'd thought that seeing Spock smile was beautiful, but that was nothing compared to the sight before him. He quickly shed his own pants and underwear and joined Spock, cherishing each touch of the hot skin beneath him.
They made love, though penetrative sex was not necessary, neither one of them would have been able to last that long. Their mutual want and need had been repressed for so long that it only took a few moments of touching and their slick erections gliding against one another before they were climaxing nearly simultaneously.
They continued kissing and caressing, touching and exploring one another's bodies for as long as they dared, but finally Jim broke the contact, sheen of moisture glowing in his eyes.
"I'm sorry baby, I can't do it anymore. It's too hard to hold on, "he said pulling away and stumbling off the bed. Spock quickly rose and helped him clean up and dress in James' pajamas. Then he laid Jim back on the bed, cleaned himself up and found some sleepwear of his own. He climbed back up on the bed, spooning up behind Jim and tanging their limbs together tightly, placing butterfly kisses on Jim's hair and neck.
"Will you be able to come back to me?"
"I don't know Spock. I've still got a lot to think about, and coming through this time was pretty fucking hard. It's taken more out of me than I've let you know. James is going to be, really really tired for a couple of days."
"I see. I…I love you Jim," he simply said, not knowing any other response to give, as he tightened his grip on his T'hy'la.
"I love you too Spock. I want to promise you… god I want to promise you a lot of things… but I just can't. All that I can promise you is that I love you, and I do want to be with you, and I will be with you eventually. That was part of the deal. You can't say anything to Bones and Kevin, but, there's a time limit. That's part of it," he said with a yawn…,"I.. made him promise….(yawn) there'd be a limit and then…he'd have to let me….(yawn)… but I won't leave, I'll find…(yawn) I'll find some way to be here but not be Captain… or something…
That was the last coherent thing Jim said, before he could no longer stay conscious. Spock held him tightly in the dark pondering his words as he whispered "good night Jim" into his ear. He laid that way for a very long time, trying to come up with every solution possible to bring Jim back to him permanently.
He loved James, he loved being a father, and he would miss that, and miss James, but he knew now that he needed Jim, more than he needed James, and so did the future and the timeline. Jim had to come back, he had to be Captain, and Spock needed to find a way to make that happen. He would find a way to make that happen, and he knew that he would have an abundance of help. He drifted off to sleep with firm resolution and determination swimming through his mind, and he dreamed of Jim.