The Limo sped through Gravity Falls and everyone moaned knowing the girl they were picking up and it was someone John had a secret crush on.
"Alright ladies stay in the limo I'll be in and out so enjoy yourselves. I'm picking her up then meeting Sam Manson in California who is my last ex" John said opening his door as the KND entourage followed him to The Mystery Shack.
"John we need to stay on our toes things have been happening here that aren't of this world" Fanny said quickly turning this way and that trying to keep her guard on John.
"Fanny I think you're delusional I mean the worst thing this town has is lawn gnomes that can turn into people" Kuki said leafing through a comic book.
"Kooks you forgot Gideon, Bill Cipher, Pacifica Northwest, there's a million things to fear here and I'm guarding this boy from each and every one of them".
A bell over The Mystery Shack door rang and a girl in red hair popped her head up as the KND entourage and John waltzed in.
"Hey Cool Dudes I'm Wendy cashier here at the Mystery Shack and I aim to please but I also do work for tips" Wendy said as John emptied his wallet bills flying into a tip cup as a boy groggily walked through and saw the crew.
"Excellent I'm John and this is my entourage now we were tipped off that a girl named Mabel Pines could maybe, possibly, and if anything most definitely be found here". John said as Dipper and Wendy winced knowing Mabel's wake up routine.
"GGGGRRRRAAAAPPPPLLLLIIIINNNNGGGG HHHHOOOOKKKK HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mabel screamed swinging into a window of The Mystery Shack".
"Owwwwwwwwwwww that looks like it really hurts but then again maybe she's loving the pain" Rachel said peeling Mabel from the window.
"Actually it feels better than you would think to me it's better than any caffeinated beverage or breakfast in the morning except for the time my brace get stuck in the wood I hate gum splinters".
"Mabel I'm John Ward Dipper and I talked on the phone and I was wondering if you'd like to join the KND Bachelor as a contestant and as an added bonus you and Sierra from TDWT can have podcasts if you like".
Mabel raised her head and her green eyes met John's blue ones and it was love at first sight for her and maybe him.
'S-Sure I'd love to be on TV and setting up a podcast could be cool and whatever. So how does the bachelorette you're choosing you know get chosen?".
"Well I guess there are competitions and through it all I look to see who can hack it with the best of them. Then the remaining girls I meet their parents and I decide who would be a perfect fit for me" John said as Mabel and Dipper gulped.
"M-M-M-M-M-M-M-Meet my p-p-p-p-p-p-p-parents trust us John you don't want to meet our parents their not of the normal nature" Dipper said as Mabel nodded pulling out empty scrapbooks and packing them ready to document her journey in the bachelor.
"Take it easy the parent meeting part isn't until there are three girl's left and we have a lot of girls to mow through before you're in the final three Mabel" Kuki said bummed that Fanny was ruining the Gravity Falls show for her.
"Great so if you chose me for final three in the end then you meet my parents? That doesn't sound too bad in fact I may even have time to warn them to act normal".
"Great so follow me and Pines family be sure to tune in every Monday for The Bachelor KND Edition and vote for Mabel to win".
The town cheered and waved as Mabel with her trusty grappling hook swung through a limo window with her screaming her fight song.
"Great everybody meet Mabel and Mabel meet everyone we're on our way to Cali for the orientation and the very first elimination ceremony".
Everyone cheered as they sped off to California to meet Sam Manson a girl John knew he had to step on the softest pillows he could find because Sam was not John's favorite person and ditto for Sam.
When the limo stopped in Amityville John and the KND entourage walked up to a big mansion and they all saw what kind of girl Sam was slowly becoming since the breakup that shook Amityville.
"Yea the breakup had an opposite effect on Sam see she wore black when we dated stating she was mourning her tortured soul then she went and cheated on me with Danny Fenton and poof she's wearing glitter, sunshiny colors, and kicking me to the curb" John said ringing the doorbell.
"Well I never thought I'd see you again young man and if you're here for Sam I'd protect well the part she so liked to attack last time" Mrs. Manson said as John covered his groin and the KND crew jumped in front of him.
"Sammie dear you have visitors and I think you're really going to like these people. One of them used to be an old friend of yours".
Sam's bedroom door opened and she ran downstairs to find John guarded by girls ready to fight at a moment's notice.
"Well look who it is the boy who stormed out of my life without a goodbye. Glad to see your groin is healing nicely" Sam said walking up to the girls.
"Yea big talk for the girl that cheated on me and then blamed me for it I mean hell you're still dressed like Taylor Swift after a bad breakup so I take it Dammi is done now?" John asked as Sam growled trying to fight through the crowd guarding John.
"What's the matter Sam did I hit a sensitive subject? Kind of like when you called me an orphan then chased me from your house swinging a five iron".
"You were talking to other girls what the hell was I supposed to think? I mean yea I cheated but you were cheating before me".
"Talking isn't cheating Sam in fact most people talk to other people whilst dating it's not uncommon am I right?" Kuki asked dreading the answer from John or Sam.
"You know Kuki you're right there's no laws against talking but to Sam talking leads to cheating which leads to her in the arms of a pretty boy and me leaving Amityville forever without so much as a goodbye handshake".
Sam sniffled knowing John was right and she slowly walked around the crew hugging John and she noticed the film crew.
"Sam now that we're as fixed as we can be I'd like to offer you an opportunity to join The KND Bachelor as my last ex and we can get this competition underway" John said as Sam nodded lugging suitcases to the limo and threw them in the trunk John glad the crew was finally forming.
"Hi ABC and Freeformer's alike I'm John and this year on The KND Bachelor we'll have all kinds of girls from different tracks of life and I get to choose one yay me".
Everyone cheered as they were headed to the mansion Seven more exes waiting to meet John and a mole hired exclusively by the KND.
Once the limo reached the house John gulped seeing the seven other exes and they all growled storming the limo.
"Ladies go take your things to any empty room we're going to introduce John to some new friends who he knows very well" Fanny said finding an opening and rushing John through it.
"Right now I know all of you want his head on a silver platter but before we attack him trying to rip him apart like a wishbone I'd like you to meet the seven exes you guys didn't know of".
A girl in blonde hair, glasses, and dirty, ratty, patched clothes growled circling John like he was prey to her and he gulped knowing how angry this girl could get.
"Beth take it easy I never asked for any of you to come here so just chill. I mean think of it this way at least you have a huge mansion, a pool, a Jacuzzi, and a comfy room big enough to play baseball in".
"You left me and I was your first love you flea bitten, dirty, muddy, puppy dog. At least that's what you told me when we were together you Jerkface" Beth said angrily eyeing John.
"Beth let's not battle over who hurt who because we can and I'd win seeing you cheated on me with my best friend no less and suddenly I'm the bad guy here".
"I left David and begged for you back and you said we were through because I was a slut that needed more than one boyfriend".
"Hey I call them like I see them and I see slutty, whore who needs love from more than one guy in you because you did it not me" John said as Beth was taken aback from this and angrily stepped back wiping tears from her eyes and a girl in black hair pinned John against the limo.
"Of course what's a Beth without a Heather? Heather let me just say it's nice to see you too and again our downfall was your fault".
"Oh yea because it was me that refused to change and told you off for trying to change me was it? John the girl that wins this thing is going to have their hands full with the baggage you carry" Heather said kicking dust into John's eyes.
"You and Beth have more in common than just being friends Heather see the boy I caught Beth with was none other than the boy giving you the Heimlich Maneuver while you were dating Amanda!"
Heather stopped in her tracks and stared Beth down as Beth stared back at her the both of them mad at the other one for dating two of the same guys.
"Now if there's nothing else I'm heading inside and the breakup crew can bombard me with questions inside".
A girl with a tennis racquet took a swing at John and he dodged it again knowing this girl well as did the KND crew.
"Sheena Hernandez right on time so let me guess you're going to blame me for our breakup even though you broke up with me because your mom didn't like me?" John asked as Sheena dropped the racquet and hugged John an action he wasn't expecting.
"I'm sorry I left you but there was more than my mom your friends told me you were too good for me and you deserved better" Sheena cried as John could only guess which friends told Sheena that.
"Shee I loved you once and I know you loved me once too so I'm happy you're here and I'm sure the rest of my exes are happy you're here too".
Sheena hugged John again as a car dropped David off and the KND entourage was on guard with John smiling.
"Don't be so hasty guys I invited him for the sheer fact that I wanted Heather and Beth to meet the guy they left me for".
David crunched up the gravel as the two girls took one look at David and they made disgusted faces seeing him looking grungy, mangy, and dirty.
"You two had a good thing going with me but you ruined it and now you're my exes fighting for my heart and it's going to be hard for everyone especially you two".
Another limo pulled into the drive and a driver helped a girl get out as all the exes and Candace rushed this girl knowing her as the #1 fashion designer of the year John just knew her as Erin.
"All right sweetie, yes I know daddy's isn't fun but mommy should be home before you know it, Honey I swear Bradley will not do anything to hurt you with mommy around" Erin Ansart said her Bluetooth headset stuck in her ear.
"Molls I really have to go I just got here and I bet this competition doesn't need an overprotective mom calling her daughter and son every five minutes".
John took one look at the girl he fell in love with in High School and he saw a total transformation in her which to him didn't matter.
"Bye Molly and tell Bradley I love him too and also try to make being with daddy fun I mean it can't be that bad".
John heard a sniffling girl on the other end of the phone and his heart went out to Erin who hung up and inspected John up and down and grabbed him in a hug about to kiss him until she saw the other girls looking at her.
"Yes well everybody this is Erin Ansart Erin this is everyone and I'm sure there are some familiar faces out there somewhere" John said as another girl in brown wavy hair giggled hugging John and this was one of the only friends he had left besides the KND operatives.
"Mandy I didn't think you were going to make it out I mean are you an ex, a new lover, or just someone here to cheer me on?"
Fanny whispered something to John as Amanda nodded and John understood inviting the last of his exes another girl with black hair in a bowl cut into the house and the girls all wondered who would be the next crew coming into the house.
"Everybody welcome to the KND bachelor now as I'm sure you were already told find a room and unpack there will be no competition tonight and we'll meet for party fun, food, and drinks later tonight".
John opened the double doors to his room and then closed them opening his suitcase and a light knock interrupted him.
"Come in whoever it is and thank you for knocking because there are so many people in this house that it's going to be barging in instead of knocking soon enough".
Erin opened the door and walked in giggling as John laughed along with her and she closed the doors determined to have her conversation with John alone.
"Well you're looking good John and let me just say I'm sorry we drifted apart but after I left High School I was California bound and you were stuck in Milford Massachusetts trying to get through Freshmen year" Erin said lying across John's bed and kicking her shoes off.
"Yes well I would have followed if my mom wasn't so into seeing me graduate but I'm a Senior now and by the look of things you got married and had kids".
Erin nodded then shuddered like she was afraid of something and John noticed this being an expert on Erin Ansart.
"Erin I know you didn't come in here just to tell me you missed us because I was stuck in Mass and you were living in Cali so what's up?" John asked as Erin looked at him tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Yea-I-got-married-and-the-guy-was-a-jerk-he-hit-me-everyday-and-told-me-how-ugly-I-looked-then-I-had-to-leave-my-three-year-old-and-seven-year-old-with-him-so-I-could-be-here".
John helped Erin up and led her to a mirror as she wept staring at her reflection and John couldn't stand seeing Erin in this much pain.
"Erin look in the mirror and tell me what you see? I want to know what a girl in your position sees when they look in a mirror".
Erin stared back at herself and softly said Oh God I look hideous and started bawling again as John led her back to the bed.
"Ok now you look hideous to you but to me you look beautiful and you always will as for your kids you leave that to me I do have pull around here being the bachelor and all".
Erin smiled through her tears and hugged John then she kissed him making him blush as Erin skipped out of his room calling her daughter Molly back to tell her to pack.
"So new bachelor how's life treating you? I thought you should know David left now Beth and Heather are fighting over who's going to win this thing" Fanny said as John opened his contract seeing no rules against kids.
"Fanny I need you to make a phone call to an airfield and get a chopper to 321 Russet Dr. and quickly I have a present for a very unhappy fashion designer".
Fanny saluted John and called the nearest airfield to get what John wanted and he heard a ruckus downstairs and he knew right away who was fighting.
"OK ladies need I remind you that I'm The Bachelor and there are rules here and numero uno is no fighting in my prescience. So what's the ruckus?"
"Heather stole my man and now I'm going to show her how stealing my man is bad for her health" Beth said trying to shove past John and chopper propellers were heard in the distance.
"Wow that was fast I guess Fanny knows how to get people here when they need to be here. I mean that was like three minutes".
"Two actually and if you need anything else Mr. Bachelor don't hesitate to ask like for instance I can stop this squabble real quick".
"No thanks Fanny I can handle this fight seeing I used to handle it all the time when Beth and I were dating".
A chopper pilot rang the doorbell and Rachel answered it to find two kids running into the house searching for their mother.
"Mama, mama, mama I missed you so much and daddy's no fun he won't even celebrate Fast Food Friday which was always our tradition" A small boy said running into Erin's arms as Molly jumped up and down excitedly kissing Erin's cheeks.
"Everybody meet Bradley and Molly Ansart Erin's kids and I promised Erin that they would be well taken care of" John said as the three people waved as they were introduced.
"Great Erin has her kids here good for her now back to our fight you dirty rotten filthy-".
The next word Beth said was bleeped out and everyone gasped hearing a swear come out of Beth's mouth as Beth jumped at Heather but like a rejected basket John pushed Beth to the ground.
"I told you before Beth no fighting in my prescience and if you want to stay here I suggest you start following the rules".
"Fine I'll go to my room but you can't protect that- forever because that- will never be anything but a-" Beth said the lines being bleeps and those bleeps followed her up the stairs.
"Watch the language Beth that's rule two we have kids staying here now and they will not be subjected to the abuse your words give" Rachel said as John nodded liking the fact that he had KND's Supreme Leader also making rules for The Bachelor.
Another knock came on the door and a bunch of girls were standing outside waiting to be invited in.
"Great it's the rest of the crew ladies I'd like you to meet Meg Griffin, Tina Belcher, Helga Pataki, Lisa Simpson, Lilo, DeeDee, Star Butterfly, Lizzie Devine, Winnie who yes is a wolf, Mavis a vampire, Astrid the Viking, and Raven daughter of Trigon" John said as the rest of the girls squeezed together for a picture.
Later that night everybody was having fun drinking, eating and having a good time none of them expecting what John would do next.
"Alright ladies line up time for the elimination ceremony and I assume we all know how this goes. It's going to be different this year so pay attention and be ready for twists and turns".
All the ladies lined up and John looked at them all in his mind knowing who the bottom three were going to be.
"Erin we had a good talk today and I think there's a lot more we can learn about each other in the weeks to come. So will you accept this rose?"
Erin nodded walking up and taking a red rose from John as he looked at the other girls not knowing how hard this was going to be.
"Mabel I love your lust for life, your peppy spirit, and that grappling hook is pretty sweet. Will you accept this rose?"
Mabel skipped up grabbing a rose and John found an easy way out of the ceremony to end it quick.
"Great next I want Beth, Heather, and Raven front and center we're trying our new ceremony ritual right now".
Beth, Heather, and Raven did as they were told and were handed black roses and they looked at the roses in disgust.
"Now here's how it goes I want the three of you to tell me why you think I should keep you on The Bachelor and I'll chose two to keep and one goes home doing the walk of shame to the limo".
John looked at the bottom three and decided which girl he wanted to talk first as he looked Raven up and down.
"Raven why do you think you deserve to stay on The Bachelor and continue fighting for my love? I mean I hardly know you but I needed a third girl down here and you're pretty safe as of now".
"Well that's a good question and you're right you don't know me too well but if you keep me I'll be sure we get to know each other better" Raven said as John took Raven's black rose.
Raven join the others while I work my way through a fight that went on earlier today between these two knuckleheads".
Raven floated back to the girls as Beth and Heather looked at each other with pure hatred and John knew what to do about this.
"Great Heather why don't you tell me how the fight started and then I'll ask Beth the same question and that's how I'll decide who to send home".
"Well I was seeing David off and he proposed to me to which I immeadiately said maybe because I'm obviously here fighting for your heart and then he proposes to Beth and she said yes which is why I must say she needs to go" Heather said as John gave Beth an accusing stare.
"OK Yes maybe I did say I would marry him but there's no telling where the exes lie against the newbies on this show and Heather's leaving a lot of stuff out like asking me how I liked her sloppy seconds" Beth said trying to force out tears.
"OK so Heather drew first blood word wise but who threw the first punch and if you don't want to tell me I'm sure my trusted mole will".
Heather and Beth pointed at each other as John motioned for Amanda and she stepped forward glad to be helping a trusted friend.
"Beth threw the first punch Heather asked how she liked being a third wheel and what her sloppy seconds looked like then Beth socked Heather in the nose then tackled her to the ground" Amanda said as Heather nodded agreeing with every word.
"Alright yes I threw the first punch in the literal sense but honestly what would you do if David came up to you asking how it felt to be a third wheel and what his sloppy seconds looked like?"
"I would walk away because as the saying goes sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me".
"OK John are you running this show like a – daycare? Because if you are I'm not going to be a – kid being talked down to because I - took – matters into my own – hands".
All the bleeps in Beth's conversation confirmed who John would eliminate and who he would keep for another week.
"Beth do you honestly not know how to follow rules? I mean do you think you're above rules just because I'm giving you a second chance?" John asked as the KND crew, Molly, Brandon, and all the girls shook their heads at Beth.
"Now I know in past shows this language was tolerated but that's why women are the way they are now teaching their daughters that this language is tolerated but it's not".
"Oh puhlease I'm 29 – years old and I can say whatever the – I – want. If you don't – like it then don't – me the – off".
"Heather you dodged a bullet this time but I must advise you to smarten up and fly right or you could be the next one going home. Beth there is no place for a sailor mouth in my version of The Bachelor those women are trashy, slutty, whores. As a matter of fact they fit you like a glove now beat it".
" - - - - - - - - - - You - - - - - - - - - - I can't – believe you would – do this to me after all we – had you – we were like – Romeo And – Juliette and now we're nothing and it's all thanks to this – skank who can't keep her – hands to her – self the – loser" Beth screamed as security led her to a limo.
"Let this be a lesson to all the sailor mouths out there it will result in immediate expulsion from the mansion and will make you look stupid on national TV".
The girls nodded as John walked back to the mansion with everyone following him and Mabel hung out by John's bedroom door wanting to be the first girl to spend the night with him.
"Mabel welcome and as the rules say first come first served so get your bathing suit on and meet me in the hot tub for some drinks and fun of our own".
Mabel dashed off and John started the bubbles walking into the tub with Mabel running back sliding across from him in the hot tub.
"So tell me more about Mabel Pines and I'll tell you more about myself sweets. I mean we have a long way to go here but you meeting me at my room has definitely won you some brownie points".
"Well Dip and I were shipped to Gravity Falls for the Summer and in those three months I fell in love with lawn gnomes dressed as a teen boy, a merman, and a boy obsessed with sock puppets but they never worked out" Mabel said sipping a Coke out of a champagne glass.
"Maybe you're just setting your sights too high I mean supernatural beings and sock puppet obsessed boys aren't easy to please or so I'm told" John said inching his way closer to Mabel.
"You're not kidding I had to put on a sock opera for the sock puppet boy to notice me and Bill Cipher decided then to take control of my brother Dipper's body".
"I imagine that didn't pan out so well with the sock puppet boy and he saw that you loved your brother more than sock puppets".
Mabel yawned and lied her arm across John's shoulder's pulling him closer to her and their eyes met and both of them knew it might be love for now but there was a lot of game to be played as they kissed.
"And that's where we end it ladies and gents so will John continue to love Mabel or will one of the other girls sneak their way in ooooohhhhhhhhhhh the suspense is killing me" Kuki said walking around the mansion with a video camera.
"Well you heard the lass it's over so beat it viewers and readers so until next time slugs and worms alike" Fanny growled leading Kuki to a part of the house reserved for the KND.
"Sorry guys she's kind of a grump in the love department but you heard the peppy one tune in next time and who knows maybe Nigel Uno and I will find each other too" Rachel said closing the doors.
Alright you heard them guys till next time and these chapters are just going to get longer so be prepared to read and laugh at all the awkwardness this year's Bachelor has. PS. Liveforever93 so glad you like the fic and if you'd like a part I'd be more than willing to give you one I love every one of my fans. R&R everyone.