Chapter 2 - She Loathes You (Yeah Yeah Yeah)

I let go of the chipped frying pan and successfully drop from the whirlwind of colour onto my feet. A thud and a yelp mere paces behind me tell me that my new little wife didn't have such a graceful landing. But I barely have time to snicker because I'm immediately bulldozed by a plummeting camping bag.

I get to my feet spitting sand and already feeling the bruises forming as I smooth down my robes. "What the hell d'you bring that for?" I say, glaring at her "Hasn't all our luggage been sent ahead?"

"Yeah" she snorts "the luggage that my Grandmother approved."

She's sitting on the ground, hitching up the skirts of her gown and taking off her high-heeled white shoes with a rather sulky expression.

I know the chivalrous thing to do is offer her a hand to help her to her feet, but given that her ratty old camping bag just very nearly broke my spine, I turn my back on her with a sneer and take in my surroundings.

We're on a tropical beach; a crescent shaped strip of snow white sand peppered with palm trees before an immense sheet of crystalline blue water.

Ahead, a set of wooden steps leads up to a vast deck on which I can glimpse a lounge area with a swimming pool. Across it, a blindingly white two-storey villa rises against the vibrant greenery of the background.

"Did you choose this?" I ask.

"Did I choose to be exiled with you to a glorified rock in the middle of the ocean for three weeks?" she shoots back from a few paces behind me. "Yeah, sure, don't you know this whole thing has been about my choices?"

And with that, she stomps past me up the sandy path, toward the wooden steps, with her ratty old bag trailing behind her.

I scowl at the back of her head.

And then I can feel it giving way to a smirk as an idea comes to me. I do a quick jog to catch up with her, and then quickly and without warning haul her up into my arms.

"Hey!" she unsurprisingly protests "What are you doing?!"

"Isn't it some sort of tradition that I carry you inside, or something?"

She huffs but cannot really contest my chivalry.

"Your hand is on my arse!"

I smirk wider "That's alright, you see, what's yours is mine, dear wife!"

She growls.

I give her bum a little teasing squeeze, causing her to glare witheringly at me and attempt to wiggle free. But now we're crossing the deck and just ahead is the wide, illuminated swimming pool.

I drop her unceremoniously inside it with a huge splash.

Then turn my back on her swearing and cross the threshold of a set of wide double French doors into the house, calling for a house-elf to draw me a nice, warm bubble bath.

It was the end of my very first day of O.W.L.s on my fifth year. Some of our class had gathered near the lake after the afternoon's practical Charms in hopes of getting a bit of sunshine in with our studying for next day's exam.

But mostly it had turned into getting a bit of sunshine with our books and notes out just to ease the conscience.

Zabini had actually dozed off with his copy of Intermediate Transfiguration covering his face from the sun, lying on his back a little up ahead where the gravel ended and the soft grass started. Pansy was using hers to support the magazine she and her friends were giggling over, sitting a few paces away right at the edge of the lake with their feet dangling in the water. And Crabbe and Goyle had abandoned theirs altogether in favour of throwing pebbles at the giant squid.

Eventually, I too gave up pretence when the grounds began to fill with the loud excitement of the younger students and sixth years whose classes were done for the day, and sat back watching Crabbe and Goyle's game.

It wasn't long until the feel of the sun on my face combined with the sound of the breeze on the leaves of nearby trees and distant laughter had me halfway following Zabini's example. Only to be rudely pulled back to full consciousness by a bit of splashing and a lot of screeching.

"Argh, Tori!"

"Careful with my magazine, you dolt!"

"That's freezing!"

I irritably opened one eye and glanced toward the girls. To find them all emphatically wiping themselves and their precious rag and glaring at a soaking wet little pigmy in a polka-dotted bikini sniggering at them from the water.

"Well, it smells so much of burnt-out brains around here that I thought you might need some cooling off… Oi!"

She rounded on Crabbe and Goyle, who, having also been distracted by her splashy appearance, now made to resume their target practice. "You do realise that that giant squid has twice as many arms as the two of you together and a whole lake full of big rocks at its disposal, right?"

They lowered the next round of pebbles, frowning back at her. Though I'd bet it had less to do with self-preservation and more with the fact that they couldn't work out what she'd meant and swing their arms at the same time.

Seemingly satisfied nonetheless, she turned back to the girls "So how'd the exam go?"

"It's done. We don't wanna talk about it." Sniffed Pansy. But then, huffily turning a page, did anyway. "I mean, what's there to say about such a joke of an exam, really? Half the paper didn't even make sense! And don't even get me started on the senile old loon that examined my practical…"

"Didn't make sense either, I'm sure." The girl slyly cut across her. "But if you don't mind, I was talking to my sister."

Pansy huffed and briskly turned another page. Daphne whined.

"It was awful… I mean, the written part wasn't too bad, I think… But the practical… I ended up right next to Hermione Granger… She was doing everything so perfectly…"

"Always has to show off, that one!" sneered Pansy.

"... while I kept fumbling and getting blanks… couldn't even think…"

"You think that's bad?" I sneeringly put in, making them all turn to me "Try having Potter the big celebrity himself turning up halfway through your exam! Famous Potter, can't even walk into a room without…"

"… without you getting starstruck, yeah, we all know that."

I glared at the insolent little pigmy, but she just airily went on without pause "Anyway, it was just the first one, I'm sure you'll all do better tomorrow." And then with a wicked little smirk, added "Who knows, maybe some distracting classmates might suddenly come down with a mysterious stomach bug… For a price, of course…"

I sat up at that, but Daphne had to let out a scandalized "Tori!"

"Oh, lighten up, I'm only joking!"

I laid back down with a scoff, while Pansy indignantly huffed "Yeah? Well, it's no joke to us! Besides, tomorrow's Transfiguration; if anything, it's going to be even worse!"

"I reckon Transfiguration is sort of okay..." Tracey mumbled.

"No, you don't!" snapped Pansy "McGonagall hates us and wants us all to fail, everyone knows that!"

"She'll get her wish with me... I just know it..." Daphne snivelled.

Even Goyle grunted something that sounded a lot like "Me too..." I glanced at him, surprised at his spontaneous intervention. He'd actually dragged his arse nearer to the girls' group.

Almost as if he'd predicted what the little girl would say next.

"Wow, you lot really are depressing! You know what you need? Homemade Cauldron Cakes." she cheerily piped up, then even started wading ashore, splashing a bit more water to a lot more protesting, as she added "I've actually got some I was saving for a snack later, but you clearly nee..."

"No, of course we don't need Cauldron Cakes!" Pansy snapped across her, to Goyle's obvious disappointment "Summer's coming, you know. We've been staying well clear of sweets for weeks" and with a scathing look up and down the girl's bikini clad body, added "Maybe you should try it too. Merlin knows your waist line would thank you for it."

The little pigmy stopped short, flushing deeply. She glanced to Daphne, who appeared to suddenly find something very interesting about her toes in the water. Then with a snort, she quickly crossed her arms over her chest, stuck her chin up and retorted "Yeah? You've been weeks without sweets, you say? Well, that certainly goes to prove why they say sugar is the food of the brain…"

"And just what is that supposed to mean, then?" snapped Pansy indignantly.

"Maybe you'd be able to figure it out if you'd taken me up on that Cauldron Cake. Then again, in your case, maybe not even with twenty."

And on that note, the snarky little pigmy turned to dive back underwater with as much of a splash as she was capable of, and quickly swam away in a practised breaststroke.

The starry night sky blinks at me through the wide panes of the panoramic window ahead. I find myself mentally tracing the familiar dots and naming the figures that crowd the sky.

It used to make Mother so very happy that I seemed to have inherited the Blacks' taste for astronomy. Now I can't even remember the last time I even bothered to look up at the stars. And even less the last time Mother was very happy.

I shake off these thoughts and turn my attention from the stupid panoramic window to the stupid blank ceiling, as I lounge on this stupid vast bed in this stupid room in this stupid beach villa. God, I wish I was at home!

I think I hear a noise from the corridor outside and snap my eyes to the door.

Nothing.

I take a glance at my watch. Not that I care, but I haven't had a sign of life from my new little wife since I dropped her in the pool, over two hours ago.

If I didn't know for a fact that she is an adept swimmer, I might have thought that she'd drowned.

Then again, that wedding gown surely was not the most practical swimwear. For all I know, all that lace could have hindered her movements and weighed her down. One must not lose hope.

Another half hour goes by, and I find myself stepping out onto the balcony.

I take a glance at the pool down below, but there's no trace of drifting fabric as far as I can see. Well, I didn't really expect there to be, and I suppose it wouldn't do much for the good of the pure and noble Malfoy name to have the newest addition to the family drown on her wedding night, anyway.

No, unfortunately, I think something more sinister is going on. As I wander back onto the bed, I somehow know that this long quiet of hers doesn't forebode anything nice.

So when she finally slithers into the room, silent and devious like the tiny viper that she is, I can't help but to narrow my eyes at her and ask "What have you been up to?"

At once her pouty rosy lips stretch into a smug smirk. "Scared, are you?"

"Hardly" I snort. Whatever she comes up with, I can do ten times worse. But I wish she would just hurry up and get her petty little vengeance over with, so that I can go back to ignoring her.

But she's just standing there in the doorway, her hideous violet spectacles glinting ominously in the dim light. Oh yeah, those are back. And now complemented with an atrocious oversized maroon jumper and a pair of washed-out greyish tracksuit bottoms.

"Surely nothing your Grandmother packed can be more hideous than that." I sneer at her "Is that what you've been up to for the past few hours, stealing some homeless person's rags?"

She glares at me, crosses her arms over her chest, and opens her mouth about to retort something. But then shuts it. Then opens it again, but hesitates.

And at last huffs and spits out "Can you believe that in a house with basically a private beach, a magically heated swimming pool, a game room, a wine cellar, dining room and breakfast room, and about half a dozen bathrooms and lavatories, there is only one bloody bedroom?!"

And that's when it all makes sense.

"Oh, I see" I say with a scathing laugh "Thought I was going to try and ravish you, did you?"

Her stance seems to relax but her cheeks flush. Sticking her chin out, she retorts "Well, it's a valid assumption. Unless, of course, there's some fault with your equipment."

The little brat! I can feel my ears burning as I snap "There's nothing wrong with my equipment!"

There can't be! I know it's been a while, a very long while, but…No! Knock it off, Malfoy!

"Well?" demands the little pigmy "What do we do about the sleeping arrangements, then?"

"What about them? They seem quite obvious to me, unless you're worried we won't both fit in the bed, what with your big fat arse."

She scowls. "Actually, I'm more worried with your big, fat head!"

"Yeah? Well, my big fat head is going to stay where it is; your big fat bum can either join me here or it can sleep on the floor. Just choose quickly, because I want to bloody call it a day already!"

Bratty little pigmy that she is, glares and huffs and stomps all the way across the room here to the bed, and then starts to brusquely trying to yank back the covers. A stupidly vain task, that, with me lounging atop of them in the middle of the bed.

After a few tries, she seems to come to that conclusion, too. "Will you bloody move over?!"

I don't, of course.

She snaps impatiently. "I thought you said you were keen to call it a day!"

"I changed my mind." I shrug "I don't fancy sharing a bed with an ill-mannered, fat, ugly brat wearing flee-infested rags."

"Your arse is what's fat, ugly and flea-infested! Now move over!"

I sprawl myself diagonally across the whole bed.

The little pigmy growls. And then without warning, climbs up on the bed and over me, taking care to dig her knee right in my stomach!

"Argh!" I cry, scrambling to sit up and push her off.

"Next time, move ov... Oomph!"

I've pushed her face-first into the mattress.

She rolls over and clambers to her knees, glaring at me as she takes off her glasses and rubs the now red spot on the bridge of her stuck up little nose.

I smirk at her. But not for long, as a pillow promptly strikes me right across the face. "Prat!"

With a growl, I grab the other pillow and strike back at her. "Four-eyes!"

And then again for good measure, but she deflects the blow with one arm, and swings at me with her pillow on the other. "Arsehole!"

"Fat-arse!" I retort, and smack my pillow low across her bum.

She strikes me sideways, spluttering indignantly "Ferret-face!"

With a growl, I place an extra hard blow that collides with one of her own, sending her pillow flying halfway across the room, and her toppling over backwards. But with a snarl of her own, the little brat promptly jumps up and grabs onto my pillow instead, as I swing it at her face again.

"Give it up!" I growl, and tug.

"You give it up!" she growls back, and sinks her little claws harder still until her knuckles are white around the fabric.

That's when, under the pale light from the sconce above the headboard, the faint lines etched across the back of her hand stand out, and I find myself curiously tilting my head and squinting at the upside-down message.

'I (scrawl) T (jagged scrawl) T E A (even more jagged scrawl) P O (jagged unreadable mess)'

Seems an odd sort of way to note down an errand, but before I can have a second look, the little demon's giving the damn pillow another hearty tug that has me nearly losing my balance.

"Hey!" I snap, and retaliate with a brisk yank myself, that causes an ominous ripping sound and a few feathers to actually spill out into the air between us. "This is stupid! What are we, five?"

"Then let go!"

"It's my damned pillow!"

"Oh, but what's yours is mine, husband dearest!" she slyly sneers back.

I glare at the smart-mouthed little pigmy. She sticks her chin up and glares right back.

"Fine!" I say "Then we both let go at the same time!"

"Fine!"

"On three, then! One; two; three."

She lets go. I swipe at her head.

But I miss, because she's already lunging at me, knocking me backwards on the mattress.

"So predictable!" she sneers, panting, as she lands on me; her breath fanning across my lips as she blows a loose strand of hair off of her face.

All of a sudden, I become keenly aware of the feel of her soft, warm little body as she sits astride me, her arms braced on the pillow effectively trapped against my chest. And all other thoughts are at once scattered from my brain, because a miracle is happening here and something long dormant comes raging back to life!

The little vixen's sneer instantly fades, her blue eyes widening instead. "Please tell me that's your wand!"

I smirk then. "Well now, you were so keen to know whether the equipment worked..."

"Urgh!" she scowls, hastily scrambling off of me and as far away as she possibly can without falling off the bed.

Urgh?! Urgh?!

"What, worried you're not up to the job, wife dear?" I snap as I scramble, rather ungainly, to stand on my knees "Better work on that, because it is your job to take care of your husband's needs, you know!"

"My job!" she shrilly cries "I'd rather bathe in Bubotuber Pus!"

I know she means it too, by the way her eyes are flashing murderously at me and her face is redder than ever. Well, that makes two of us; I can feel my ears positively burning. And so viciously spit back "You want to break out in excruciating boils, do you? Well, keep up with that insolence and I might just arrange that for you!"

"Is that a threat? Are you seriously threatening me, you bloody arsehole?!"

"No, it's a promise! So listen here, you brat..."

"NO, YOU LISTEN!" she cuts across me, jumping to her feet beside the bed "I'VE JUST BEEN FORCED TO PARADE ALL DAY IN A STRAITJACKET OF A DRESS AND HEELS FROM HELL TO CELEBRATE BEING BASICALLY SOLD AS A BREEDING MARE TO A SELF-IMPORTANT WASHED-UP BULLY..."

"Shut up!" I snap, jumping off of the bed after her.

She steps backward but ploughs on, livid. "NO, YOU SHUT UP! I'M TIRED, I'M PISSED, AND THE LAST THING I WANTED TO FALL ASLEEP TO WAS YOUR STUPID FERRET FACE..."

I don't even remember consciously deciding to, but I grab my wand from the night table as I advance on the insolent little brat. "I said SHUT UP!"

She takes another step back, backing herself against the wall. Then realising this, sticks her chin up, glowering daggers up at me. But doesn't say another word.

Good.

"Now let's get one thing straight" I hiss, towering threateningly right over her "I will not tolerate any more of your tantrums and bratty manners. I realise you're not used to having a man in the house to put you in your place…"

She actually growls at that. That one struck a nerve, like I knew it would. I smirk nastily and go on "... but that's about to change; I don't give a bat's nut if you like it or not, I'm your husband and that means you'll respect me and do as I say…"

"Or what?" she spits back, blue eyes flashing "You'll make me? You'll curse me? You'll Imperio me into a meek, obedient, puppet of a wife?"

Well, now who's going for the low blows?

So of course I have to strike back. "You think I won't?" I viciously sneer "I've been trying to decide which Unforgivable to use first from the moment you said 'I do'!"

I don't even see it coming. Her hand smacks so hard across my face that I stagger back a couple steps, blinking white spots from my vision.

I barely even register the sound of the door slamming shut.

The purple liquid slushes sluggishly inside its crystal phial as I twirl it restlessly between my fingers. I'm once again lounging on this stupid bed, alternating between staring at the stupid panoramic window, at the stupid door and at the stupid watch.

It's been two hours now since the little demon I'm to call a wife dramatically stormed out of here. I know she's in the house somewhere, I've checked with a Human Presence Revealing Spell. Twice.

Surely, if she was going to run away, she would have done it by now. Right?

We're miles from home, it's really late and dark, and there are all sorts of creatures out there. Surely even she isn't crazy enough to venture out now?

Then again, maybe she hates me so much that the prospect of spending the night wandering the jungle or adrift at sea is more appealing than staying in the same house with me.

Okay, cut it out, Malfoy! Who cares what she thinks! I don't like her either! She can waltz right out into the night and get eaten by, I don't know, a giant flesh-eating jellyfish or something, for all I care. Yeah!

Either way, I reckon it's safe to assume the brat is not coming back in here. At least not to sleep, though I wouldn't put it past her to sneak in here in the middle of the night to pour a cauldron of Bubotuber pus down my head or something!

I exhale harshly and point my wand at the door. "Colloportus."

There! She can sleep on a sofa in one of the sitting rooms, for all I care. Hope it gives her a sore back!

And on that note, I finally pull out the stopper on the phial – maybe a little more forcefully than strictly necessary – and down my precious potion.

Then I slump down on the cool, satin sheets, sprawling myself across my stupid marital bed just as blissful, magical oblivion closes down completely on my last conscious thought: Father cannot hear about any of this.

A/N: So, I'd like to thank you all for the really good feedback on the first chapter, it really warms my heart :D I hope this new one was to your liking, and please feel free to share any thoughts on it, I really appreciate it. I expect the next update will be around the third week of January, so look out for that ;)

To the lovely reader asking about my other story, Greys in Green, I'd like to say first of all a big thank you for your kind words and continued interest in my work :D :D And also, my apologies for the long, unexplained wait.

The thing is, last year my computer had a tragic immediate encounter with a cup of tea, and all my files and notes for that story were lost... I've been trying to summon the willpower and resolve to begin rewriting everything, and I hope to eventually have something good to show ;)