Ch. 4 Switzerland's Secret Journal
Nov. 1,
I took Lili to a target range today. I wanted to show her how to properly function a gun. She's a natural at it! I started her out with a .22 long rifle (it's a good beginner's gun). She hit the target dead-center every time from fifty meters away. She was so good that I let her shoot my .500 magnum handgun. She still hit the target every time! Even with that kind of recoil! It looks like she's got some of me in her after all. I'm so proud of her!
Nov. 2,
Now that I know of Lili's shooting abilities, I told her the location of my guns, in case someone breaks in our house again. Then Lili told me that Gil doesn't break into our house (Francis still does) she told me, "I let Gilbert in because he is friendly, and he lets me play with Gilbird." That makes a lot more sense than my theories. But that still makes me angry! I told her that she needs my permission to let people in. But I could see how much she liked Gilbird, so I said that she can continue to invite Gil in (but first I had to ask Gil if his bird had his shots; I don't need Lili getting salmonella or anything).
Nov. 3,
Gilbird has had his shots, apparently. I don't want Gil in my house, but I can't say no to Lili, so I told her, "Make sure he doesn't steal anything." I know Gil knows the location of my beer stash, and I don't need him stealing that. I get kind of crazy if I don't have a beer every now and then.
Nov. 4,
Today I went and bought a lock for my beer. Mostly because I don't want Lili to find it (and because a few went missing yesterday). I also moved the cooler that they're in to a new location (classified). I'd like to see Gil drink my beer now.
Nov. 5,
Today's world meeting was at Alfred's place today. Gil showed up because Alfred's part of his "awesome trio". Gil didn't have to give a presentation, but he did! And do you know what it was? He showed the world (literally) my frilly pink pajamas! And to make matters worse, Felix asked me if he could have them (he offered $50)! I declined his offer, but then he said, "That is, like totally not fabulous. Pink is like my favorite color. I'm telling Liet that you're being un-fabulous!" I am going to murder Gil. So many people laughed. Mathias posted a picture online! Fortunately, I told Kiku to fix it so it's not as bad (he's a computer geek).
Nov. 6,
Kiku told me it's impossible to erase that picture from the Internet. However, he was able to make it so that it didn't say they were mine, so I gave him $25 for his troubles. He seemed scared to take my money. But I told him that I have no intention to hurt anyone. I don't think he was convinced, but Yao taught him to take any money he can get his hands on (I can learn a thing or two from him). I'm just glad that no one knows those pajamas are mine (anyone who does will "forget").
Nov. 7,
Last night, I had this reoccurring dream I kept having. In it, I was wearing a woman's Alpine dress, and Kiku was wearing lederhosen. We were in the Alpine mountains, singing and dancing. I don't yet know what this means. I'm going to see a professional tomorrow. I hope it doesn't mean anything bad.
Nov. 8,
That professional I went to, was Arthur (he was the only one who would do it for free). He said he can use "dark magic" to interpret my dreams. He told me it means that Kiku and I will become friends someday, even though we aren't fond of each other. I told him he should check his magic. He's not the best wizard, or sorcerer, or whatever he calls himself. I'm not going to listen to him. Maybe he was referring to Kiku helping me with that picture on the Internet. Still, I wouldn't say we're friends.
Nov. 9,
Today I went to the supermarket to buy some more cheese (the cheap kind, because it tastes better) and Rodderiech was there. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied, "Well, supermarkets usually have food, so I came to get some." I just walked away; because that was the sassiest response I've ever gotten from a question. Yet, Lili and Elizaveta wonder why we're not friends. Probably because I don't like being friends with the king of smart-asses!
Nov. 10,
Remember when Felix wanted my pajamas? Well, at today's meeting, he was wearing bright pink pajamas with the word "fabulous" written in glitter. He walked up to me and said, "My pajamas are like, totally more fabulous than yours!" Then he walked over to Tino, who looked ashamed. I honestly didn't know what to say, but I wanted to thank him. At least there's someone out there whose pajamas are more pink, frilly, and girlish than mine. Thank you Felix.
Nov. 11,
Last night was the full moon. So I sat on my back porch, and drank some hot tea, and stared out at the moon. Everything was peaceful, but then, "You can't run Arthur! It's l'amour!" "Get away from me, you wanker!" Francis and Arthur were fighting (again) just outside my property line! I had to arrest Francis, because he was trying to take off Arthur's clothes. This isn't the first time I had to arrest Francis, either. Last year, Francis tried to start the Olympics, but he found out that men competed naked in the original Olympics. So he tried to make Arthur compete. I caught him in the heinous act of making an Englishman take his clothes off (he spent some time in jail for that). But anyway, I don't know what Francis's excuse was this time, but Matthew is not going to be happy.
Nov. 12,
I found out that Matthew was fed up with Francis getting into so much trouble, so he sent Francis to Russia (bless his soul) so Ivan can punish him, within reason. Matthew said, "I'm sorry Papa, but you need to learn discipline and morals! You can't be such a hoser!" That was the maddest I've ever seen him, so he must really be putting his foot down. As if Francis's last punishment wasn't bad enough, now Ivan's teaching him discipline! I kind of feel sorry for him.
Nov. 19,
Francis is back, after a week. He is so jumpy now. Almost like Gil was, after he had to listen to Rodderich's music. He had bruises all over him, so I assume he was being unreasonable, and Ivan hit him with that pipe he carries around (I have no idea why). I'm glad Francis learned his lesson, though. He didn't even look at Arthur.
Nov. 20,
Today, I gave Lili a home schooled training session on self-defense. It's important for her to know, and she's eager to learn. So I taught her all the basics. I told her to be careful about scary strangers, because they will try to temp her with candy and treats. I told her the dangers of wild animals, and how they may look cute, but they have claws and fangs riddled with poison that they will use to kill her. I even drew diagrams on a chalkboard for her to see. And you know what her response was? "Um, Switzy, I hate to interrupt. But I think the drawings you made are cute. Can you draw them on paper for me?" I know I'm a talented artist, but can't that wait?
Nov. 21,
I spent the day drawing pictures for Lili. I shouldn't disappoint her; after all, she did say she liked my drawings. So I'm just sitting here drawing wild animals like rabbits and squirrels. And scary strangers who strongly resemble Rodderiech, but isn't. I'm almost finished, and when I am, I can talk to Lili about more self-defense.
Nov. 22,
Today, I was teaching Lili about firearms, and she is literally an expert! I asked questions that I didn't expect her to know- Where is the receiver? What type of action is this? What caliber is this? - And she knew it all (I was using an M-1 Garand for example). I asked her where she learned all this, and she said, "I wanted to be like you, Switzy. So I went to the library and read all these books about guns." That was flattering. She is the best little sister that anyone could hope to have.
Nov. 23,
So today, I had this flashback, it was rather disturbing. I was at a picnic with Lili, and she got crumbs on her face, so I wiped her face and said, "That's not very dignified." and that's when I got the flashback. I was wiping Rodderich's face saying, "That's not very dignified." It was so weird. I don't think it means anything, but I'm writing it down, just in case.
Nov. 24,
I had this dream/flashback last night. I was carrying Rodderiech home after Elizaveta beat him up (yes, she did that when we were young...and I did have to back him up) and I had to take care of him. I dressed his wounds (there was an arrow in his butt) and cleaned his clothes. We might've been good friends, but not anymore (he still owes me $20). And why can't I get that stupid Austrian out of my head? I tried putting a bucket on my head and hitting it, but that just worried Lili. It might have to do with the fact that we haven't had lunch together in a while, even though Elizaveta and Lili want us to.
Nov. 25,
Well, in order to get Rodderiech out of my head, I invited him to lunch. Lili was surprised that she didn't have to ask me to. It's pretty embarrassing, especially when you can hear Lili talking to Elizaveta on the phone, and hearing things like "making progress" and "friends again". If only they knew the real reason, but I'm not going to tell them, because then I'll hear things like "can't take Rodderiech off his mind". It's not like it's a big deal, went to a cheap, American restaurant (McDonald's). It got pretty bad, though. Gil was there, and he tried to eat with us, but all he did was put ketchup in Rodderich's soda and eat like a slob about three inches away from my face. And I could totally tell that Elizaveta and Lili were spying on us through the window (they really shouldn't look through the window that's right next to our table). I tried not to look at them, but Elizaveta made it so obvious (Lili's trained), she had her face pressed up against the glass, and we were all staring right at her (someone can't take a hint).
Nov. 26,
Lili apologized for spying yesterday. So I told her it's no big deal, and that she did a good job at spying, but Elizaveta gave her away. By the way, America's food is terrible! Processed beef patties, fries greasier than a car engine! Who can eat that? Alfred has a very strong stomach. He eats that stuff all the time. He's going to die from high cholesterol.
*Just so everyone knows, I don't hate American food. It's actually pretty good. I just think someone like Switzerland wouldn't like it that much. And I don't mean to offend anyone.
Nov. 27,
Today, Elizaveta came to my house to see Lili. I know it's wrong, but I eavesdropped on their conversation. I heard them talking about me and Rodderich's lunch the other day. I heard Elizaveta saying, "Rodderiech told me that lunch wasn't that great. Gilbert ruined it, and his soda tasted like ketchup." Lili told her what I thought of lunch. "Switzy said that he saw you, and that the food was awful." They kept talking about how next time, we're going to a better quality restaurant. Great.
Nov. 28,
Lili told me that she and Elizaveta planned lunch for me and Rodderiech next month, and that they are coming, to monitor our "progress". I hope Gil decides not to stalk us this time. He needs to get a life, and spend more time with his friends. I'll have to tell Ludwig about that.
Nov. 29,
Ludwig told me that he'll tell Gil to spend time with his actual friends. He also told me to loosen up. I'm not the one who needs to loosen up! Gil's the one who lives to see people annoyed by him! And I need to loosen up? I'll take his advice, only because he's one of the few people I know who has common sense.
Nov. 30,
I tried loosening up by cleaning my guns. It's so relaxing, and it makes my guns perform better. Now, of course I won't get to clean all 78 of my guns. I'll probably clean 20 at the most. But today is my day to relax, and do nothing but clean the powder from the barrel of my guns. I guess Ludwig gives pretty good advice after all.