Chapter 13 – The Truth and Nothing But

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This is it. This was his chance. Luke took a deep breath. "I want to let you know that I've thought about all of this for two months now, so this may sound a bit rehearsed." He looked at her and noticed her watching him closely. "First, just so there is no confusion as to my intentions – I want to be clear that I would like to get back together with you. If you will have me again."

Lorelai was so shocked that she choked on her coffee. After coughing continually for a minute, she finally got things under control enough to stammer, "Sorry, I didn't expect that."

"I just want it out there, Lorelai. I'm tired of not being able to say this to you. I love you. I miss you. I just want to be with you." He looked at her longingly, as she stared at him with wide eyes. "But there are things I need to tell you first. And… And I understand if you decide you don't want to be with me anymore. In which case, I still want to have this conversation because I owe you a hell of an apology for everything that happened."

Without thinking, Lorelai reached for a needle and some yarn, and began to knit. She glanced up at Luke and nodded, waiting for him to continue speaking.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about April for two months. She just went to the diner one day in a crazy bike helmet. She talked on and on about a science fair at her school, and doing a DNA test to find out who her father is. Next thing I know, she pulled my hair and took my picture and ran off." He grabbed a bottle of water and took a long drink.

Lorelai kept on knitting with her eyes down, and didn't say a word. Luke decided to continue with his story. "I tried to forget about it afterwards. I mean, I really thought it impossible that I would have gotten some girl pregnant. I've never really casually dated, you know? I only slept with women I was in a relationship with. And none of the women I was with would ever hide my own child from me. At least, that's what I thought. The kid must have made a mistake when she included me in the list of contenders."

So he had a relationship with Anna, Lorelai thought. She wasn't just some one-night stand. She shook her head in disbelief that she was only hearing about all this now, when they were already broken up. She tried to ask Luke about April's mother before, but he always evaded her questions.

"Anna and I were together for about a year. She was there when I opened the diner. My father died, then Rachel left me, and… I guess I was a little lonely. One of my friends set us up on a blind date, and we hit it off. A lot of people thought she was my rebound, and I guess she was, in a way. But she was a very nice girl."

"Luke, you don't need to tell me this. We're not in a relationship anymore."

"I get how you feel that way," Luke replied. "But these are things you should know. These are things you should always have known from the start. Sorry I didn't tell you before."

Lorelai shrugged and went back to knitting. Maybe she should make a scarf. Do something productive while she's here listening to the story of Luke's life. She took a bite of a doughnut before picking up the needle again.

"We broke up a month after I opened the diner. She said I was too busy with work, and that I didn't make time for her. I didn't have any employees back then, so it was just me taking orders, manning the kitchen, bussing the tables, and settling the payments. At the end of the day, I was too exhausted to drive to Woodbridge to see her. I didn't really love her, she was just good company, so it wasn't that big of a deal when we broke up."

Luke started picking on the label of his water bottle with his fingernails nervously. "I… I, uh, found out recently she was dating other guys behind my back when we were in a relationship. That's why April had to do a DNA test on three guys to find out who her father is… Anyway, Anna found out that she was pregnant a month after we broke up. She suspected it was mine, but wasn't really sure. She didn't need money, she wasn't sure whose baby it was, so she decided not to tell me. Or the other two guys."

Luke stopped talking for a bit to see how Lorelai was taking it. By all appearances, she was concentrating on her knitting and nothing else. But her posture was tense and her ear was cocked to his direction, and he knew she was listening as hard as she can. "So that's all that happened with Anna before I met you," Luke began. Now, he was approaching a more sensitive topic, and he was terrified of how she would react. "Now I need to tell you everything that happened with Anna when we were together." Lorelai's head flew up in surprise. "Did… did something happen with the two of you?" she asked in a strained voice. "I didn't sleep with her if that's what you mean." Luke replied readily. "But the situation was not as innocent as I wanted you to believe back then." He took a deep breath. "Rory told me you know about the dinners I had with Anna and April."

"It wasn't that difficult to figure out, Luke," Lorelai replied slowly. "Everyone knew what time you left the diner to drive April home. Usually, you'd be back in twenty minutes after you drop her off. But a few times, you came back more than two hours after. It wasn't just me who noticed it, a couple of townies did as well. Even Cesar and Lane did. Lane tried to ask me subtly if I knew about it, but I reassured her that I trusted you. Then Kirk heard you talking about your family dinner with April once, and he thought I should know."

Luke shook his head at his stupidity. How could he think he could hide anything? "I'm sorry about that. And thank you for trusting me. I don't think I've earned your trust or deserved it at that point though." He sighed heavily. "When Anna first brought up the family dinner, she said it was April's idea – that April wanted to feel how it would be to have both her mother and father at the same table, together, eating like a regular family. How could I say no to that?"

"Luke, if you told me about it, I would have encouraged you to go. I mean, I'm a single mom. I've been through the same thing. You do what's best for your child."

"I know," Luke said regretfully. "But I wasn't really thinking straight during that time. And… And I wasn't really being completely open with you. I'm so sorry."

"Water under the bridge," Lorelai said shortly and returned to her knitting.

"Anyway, during the first dinner, I noticed that April looked uncomfortable. I didn't say anything, thinking that maybe she just needed time to adjust to having both parents around. After a few weeks, Anna asked me over for another family dinner, and I said yes again. I realize now that I should have spoken to April first. She didn't like the idea, especially when her mom started flirting with me during dinner."

Lorelai never took her eyes off her knitting, but for a second, she looked positively livid. Luke watched her as she tried to hide her emotion, settling back to a neutral expression.

Luke continued. "On the third and fourth dinner, the flirting got worse, but I started ignoring Anna and talking only to April. Anna walked me back to my truck at the end of the evening, when she suddenly leaned over and… and she kissed me."

Lorelai started, but she didn't look up, waiting for Luke to continue his story. "Anna kissed me, and I pulled away. I didn't kiss her back, Lorelai. But I didn't say anything either. I didn't tell her not to kiss me again. And I didn't tell you, which made me feel as if I've cheated on you. I felt like such an ass."

He could hear her muttering under her breath, but she was too far away for him to make out any of the words. She still refused to look at him and stared steadily at the scarf she was knitting as if her life depended on it.

"I… I'm so sorry, Lorelai. Please believe me when I say that I have absolutely no feelings for Anna. But… But there was a part of me wondering if it was my obligation to be with her, because we had a kid together. In a way, I suppose it was similar to when your parents wanted you to marry Christopher when you got pregnant. There's a sense of… a sense of obligation, a sense of duty or whatever, that you have to be a family."

Without looking, Lorelai muttered, "I said no when Christopher proposed."

"I know. You were always quicker than me to figure things out. It is not to the child's best interest if the parents got together only for the sake of the baby. There has to be more. There has to be love and commitment and respect. And in my case we weren't even talking about a baby anymore, April was a teenager. I… I'm sorry it took me a while to figure that out."

Finally, Lorelai looked at him. He could see the pain in her eyes, that she was trying so hard to hide, and it broke his heart. "I… I had no idea you were thinking of getting back together with Anna while we were together. Was that… was that when you stopped loving me?"

Luke's jaw dropped. "What?" he asked, incredulously. "What… what do you mean?"

Lorelai seemed to struggle to find the words. "Towards the end of our relationship, I… I felt like you didn't love me anymore. I mean, you wouldn't even sleep at my place anymore. You wouldn't move in. You didn't want me around April… Was it because you were thinking of Anna?"

"No, Lorelai, no…" Luke said, his voice emotional. "I loved you. I still love you. I never once stopped loving you. I was just in my head all the time. I guess sub-consciously, I knew I was neglecting you, but… but I didn't know what to do."

Lorelai continued looking at him, her eyes brimming with tears, which she tried to blink back rapidly. "Never mind, I, uh, I shouldn't have asked. Water under the bridge and all that."

Luke reached out for her hand tentatively. She flinched at his touch, but didn't pull away. "Lorelai, I'm so sorry," Luke stammered. "I didn't know… I didn't know you got to the point where you thought I didn't love you. I, I don't know what to say." A horrible thought suddenly entered his mind. "So that night… that night at the street, when you asked me to elope, and you asked me if I loved you… you really weren't sure? You really didn't know whether I love you or not?"

Lorelai looked down. "No, I really didn't know. That's why I asked."

"Lorelai, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Please believe me. Please… please forgive me."

Lorelai could see the sincerity in his eyes. After a minute, she pulled her hand and looked away. She picked up her knitting again. Luke could almost see her putting her walls back up.