Been busy, but here it is. I don't know if you noticed: I have most of the chapters written out, but the day I update one, I revise it. I'd like to update daily, but I'm still writing later chapters too. I like doing it like that.
Chapter 12
The next day is a blur… and the day after that. I've just been so down. I'm trying to stay positive and strong, but I'm tired. Very tired of the whole thing. I've been getting a regular schedule and go through it aimlessly. I do go hunting, but Gale is still recovering in the hospital, so I go alone. I shoot few animals and drop them off at the kitchen. Dr. Odessa has given me a book to read. To inform me more about pregnancy and taking care of a newborn. I haven't heard anything new about Peeta. He has improved a little. They said that they said my name in a conversation, and he stayed completely emotionless. No rage. I guess that's good.
It's time for me to go weaponry class, but I don't feel like going. I decide to visit Gale. I walk down the hallway and peek into the window of door. He's not asleep. I walk in and he smiles a little. This reminds of when he got shot in Two. He doesn't greet me with the usual happy "Catnip". He must know about Peeta.
"How are you feeling?" I ask. He looks at me and shakes his head. "You're not feeling well?"
"No, it's not that. You ask me, and I'll tell you, but when I ask you, you hide it from me. I would ask you now, because clearly you're not doing well, but would you talk to me?"
It's unexpected. I don't know what to say. Um… "I'm not well." I say. He sits up.
"Okay… we're getting somewhere." He gives a tiny smile, just so I know he's not mad at me. "Do you want to talk to me about it?" Talk to Gale about it? Huh, what do I say? I sit down in a chair.
"I'm tired… I'm tired of all this bad news, the killing, things haven't been going too well… I'm pregnant, but Peeta is not mentally all here. I don't know how I can further help with this war." I've been sitting in a chair next to Gale's bed. I'm about to tear up so put my head on the bed. Stupid hormones! Gale rubs my back. He probably wasn't prepared for this, or maybe this how he deals with this stuff. It's helping a little.
"Katniss, you're the strongest person I know, but it doesn't mean you have to be completely invincible. It's alright to be upset about it all. It's just you have to look for the way out in time. It's been hard, but you can get through this. Just take one day at time, and know what you want to do. Everything else should just fall in place. It may not fall exactly how you want it, but you just have to keep looking forward." He continues to rub my back and I raise my head. I swallow hard, and Gale hands me a bottle of water. I motion to ask if he's sure, then I gulp it down. It helps. Gale is right. I sit back in the chair.
"How's the baby?" He asks awkwardly. I give a small laugh through the tears. It probably bothers him a lot, but he's making an effort to make me feel better.
"Good." I say softly. "It started moving around the other day." Gale's expression is something surprised.
"It's moving?" He asks. I nod. "Huh, I didn't know it started that early." I laugh to myself because this probably painful for him, and to me, but it's so funny. I decide to give him a break and change the subject.
"So Finnick, he found Annie." I say. "The day you came back, in the hospital, they were both in different beds but they were holding hands."
"I have to admit, I didn't think he was that type of guy." Gale says.
"Me neither, but that was only the image for the Capitol. Now, I'm so happy for them." I say. I might not get to be happy but at least my friends can be. "So, when are you getting out of here?" I ask.
"Tomorrow, maybe."
"Good, I need a hunting partner."
I stick around in the hospital hallway. I sit on a bench and watch people walk by. Gale will always be my friend, I think to myself. A doctor is walking toward me. I recognize him from when he pushed me out of Peeta's room.
"Ms. Everdeen, we'd like to try something. Peeta appears to be doing better, and we'd like to experiment what happens when he comes into contact with you. Some of other doctors will be observing, and Haymitch Abernathy is already there."
I get up slowly and walk to the room. I'm afraid at what I'm going find in there. Haymitch comes from the room next door. There is a one-way window into Peeta's room, where they will be observing.
I'm given an ear piece. "Take this," Haymitch says, handing me a large jacket. What does he want me to do with this? "He can't know yet. That you're…" He says.
I understand. Peeta's mental state right, isn't the best time to announce it to him. So I put on the jacket, and notice is smells musky and slightly like liquor. It's strange because he hasn't been drinking since we got to Thirteen. I'm sure Peeta won't notice.
So I enter the room cautiously and I see him. He looks emotionless. It looks like his mind is somewhere else, and I see that there are restraints on his arms. I don't like seeing him like this. A doctor voice tells me to sit in the chair next to Peeta's bed. So I do, but Peeta's gaze hasn't left the door. The doctor tells me to talk to him.
"Hey, Peeta." I say causiously. He notices I'm here. He looks suprised, but it wears away. He's not tensing up… yet.
"Katniss," he says, his voice dry. It seems like he's about to speak more, but it's like he can't get the words out. I sit there patiently and wait for him to say something. He looks sad.
"I… I'm sorry." He says.
"No, it wasn't your fault. The Capitol… they hurt you…" I talk softly, because it's the only way I can think of to keep him talking with me. There's more silence and he doesn't speak. Haymitch asks me to ask him stuff. Like what? I don't know what to say…
"Remember, when we were on roof? We had a picnic and everything." I say. His eyes are distant, and after another period of silence, he speaks.
"I can't."
"What do you mean?"
"My memory… it's all blurred." He says. I feel absolute dread. He doesn't remember. I decide to come up with an earlier memory.
"Do you remember when we you gave me the bread?" He gets an expression of concentration. I desperately hope he remembers. He thinks hard, then finally shakes his head.
"Maybe if I describe it to you?" I say hopefully. He looks discouraged but I go ahead and tell him the story. "It was raining and I was walking close to the bakery and decided to look through the trash." He listens to every word carefully. "You're mother came out yelling, and shooed me away. Then later you came out with burnt loaves of bread. Your mother was yelling at you to give it to the pigs. You put some in the pen, then you threw them in my direction. You saved my family, you saved me."
Peeta concentrates, and I'm gripping one of my wrists tightly. His face saddens and he shakes his head. I wipe my eyes before he sees me. Then I get a bad thought.
"… but you truly remember who I am, right?" I ask.
Peeta looks at me for a second. I don't know if he can't believe what I'm saying or…
"I… I have a sense of recognition from you, but… it's kind of jumbled up." He says in a low tone. "The venom they gave me, it made me want to hurt you, but now… It's like I'm slowly forgetting. The venom's feeling is still a little there. The memory of you before it's also there somewhere but… it's sort of fading."
"It can't be… how?" I say, sounding differently than myself. I look to the window where the doctor is suppose to be, and hope for an answer, but I don't get any. I want to hold him, and make him remember, but that probably won't do anything, no matter how much I want it to. I can't let my feelings get in the way of his recovery, if he's recovering.
The doctor asks me to exit. I don't want to leave, but he repeatedly tells me, so I finally get up. I look down, and silently leave the room. Whatever they did or whatever happened to Peeta, it made it worse. He's forgetting me.
I go into the other room with the doctor and Haymitch. I'm broken hearted. I feel terrible.
"What happened to him?" I ask the doctor.
"It may be the treatment. The fear is slowly deceasing, but to do that we had to slowly make him forget those memories that were disrupted with the venom."
"It's making him lose all of his memories!" I say.
"Doctor, the treatment you're using is this bound to happen?" asks Haymitch.
"I have to inform you, that the doctors here are not familiar with Hijacking. The treatment we used was the only solution we thought would be effective."
"He's a zombie! He's almost emotionless. The treatment he's on, it's hurting him." I say. That's not Peeta.
"I will remind you that, the treatment is not all a waste. The disrupted memories were clearly not taking over. He came into contact with you. He didn't attack you. He didn't want to hurt you." The doctor says defensively.
"There has to be another way…" I say pleadingly. I sound so much like a child. Hey, maybe I still am, even though I'm the symbol of a rebellion, having a baby, fighting in a war.
The doctor thinks, putting his thumb to his chin. "I'll talk with the doctors and we'll come up with something. Until then…" He thinks some more as what to do.
"Take him off the treatment. I won't go see him. Anything to make him better. If he just goes into a rage when he sees me, then I'll stay away." I say solemnly.
The doctor thinks for a second then agrees to it. He says it might get him back to his old state, but they'll find a new treatment. Haymitch and I walk out of the room. I take off the jacket and throw it at him. He catches it easily.
"There's still a chance." He says. I feel some kind of hate when he says it. A chance. That's what everybody says! There's still a chance. A tiny, unlikely chance that he will get back to normal. It's all so tiring, and depressing. All I can do is expect the worst outcome, and hope it's a little better than that. I want storm out of there, go into the boarding cell and lock myself away, but no. I'm not the only one who is sad by this. Haymitch is too. He cares about Peeta almost as much as I do. He was just trying to cheer me up, and probably himself.
I can no longer see Peeta. It's not like I did before, but still. He's away from Snow, but Snow is continually using Peeta against me. These stupid rules will not let me go to the Capitol. They will not let me kill him. I hate him. That evil snaked-eyed bastard. I admit that sometimes I imagine killing him. I'll take a knife a stab into his heart, repeatedly. These are things a girl should not be day dreaming about, but most girls aren't the arch nemesis of evil president doing everything possible to break them, and make sure they can't go on. As much as his plan is working, I can't let myself me totally overcome by it. I have a purpose, and as much as it kills me, I'm the Mockingjay, and I'm going to help get the rebels victory.
I go to President Coin's office. She's going to help me. Staying here in Thirteen, and doing nothing is not helping anyone. Yeah, I may be pregnant, but it's not going to stop me. I walk into the hallway that leads to her office. A woman sitting at a desk, her secretary, asks what I'm doing here.
"I need to talk to Coin." I say.
"You, wait here a few minutes and I'll get you an appointment." She says predictably.
"It's important." I say.
"No."
"I have to talk to her." I say more demanding.
She looks unaffected and gives me a scowl. Her big eyes behind her odd glasses make her attempt at making me back down, a fail.
"Sit down, girl." She says in her high voice. She's probably transferred from the Capitol. I cross my arms and don't move. "You're going to have to wait, girl." She says. Calling me "girl" is starting to get on my nerves. "If you continue to act rude, you won't get your appointment, and I'll have to call some guards up here!" Her voice is so annoying when she yells. It's like almost like screaming after breathing in helium.
I guess all the ruckus was getting loud, because Coin comes out of her office to see what the cause of it is. The woman sits back into her chair. "Sorry to disturb you, President Coin, but this girl was being completely rude and disruptive. She would not make an appointment." She says it like it's the worst thing you could do.
Coin's expression becomes serious. "No need, I'd like to talk to her. We have some things to discuss, don't we?" She says ominously.
The secretary looks almost disappointed. I guess she expected for me to make an appointment or get yelled at or something.
I walk into the office, and Coin takes her place at her desk. She arranges some paper to the side of her desk. "So Katniss, how do think you can keep your part in the agreement?"
"I'm not sure. I still want to, though. It's just… I'm being restricted to do almost nothing." I say.
"Yes, it's a shame that the officials now know of your condition." She says. Condition. I used the word too, but it seems like when she says it, it demeans the fact that I'm pregnant. It's like calling it a medical condition, a disease or illness. It makes it look like a burden. Is it?
"I heard that it was Dr. Odessa, who let the news out. She was responsible for informing everyone. I'm sure I'll have to see her." She says.
"What? Why? She only did it for my safety." I say. Coin looks unchanged.
"Of course, she did it for the safety of the child, but it seems to me that she is also disrupting our agreement. We had plan on you going to the Capitol, but now we can't."
To kill Snow. I had been waiting for that opportunity. To see that he gets what he deserves. To see that he'll never hurt another person ever again, especially with the Hunger Games. I want to go, but I… can't.
"I understand that it was one of your requests to kill him yourself, wasn't it? Oh, how unexpected things come about. We come up with a plan in our heads, but then some events will disrupt our plans, and ruin it. It is a shame. It would have been a glorified ending; The Mockingjay to relinquish Snow from our dystopian country, but sadly it cannot happen."
I know what she's trying to do. I can take a hint. She wants me to go on that mission. She knows I want to kill Snow. The only thing stopping me is my baby's safety. Is risking his or her safety worth killing Snow? It's a risk, so it's possible that the baby could come out fine, but it's also possible that my baby could die, or I could die. Someone else could kill Snow, but for some reason… it's something I won't be completely satisfied with unless I did it myself.
Coin has been studying me. She can probably tell I'm torn between the choices. She's probably laughing evilly in her head. I kind of hate her for the thought. Does she care at all for my baby? I don't know.
"I... I can't." I say uncertain. She walks around her desk till she stands only a few feet away from me.
"It is your choice." She says. "Our rebel team will surely find him, but nobody would be more fitted to finish Snow off, than you." How is she making want this more? She's getting in my head.
"I… don't know." I say.
"How about I let you think about it? We will not be leaving to Capitol soon. Think about it." She says. She's up to something. I don't know what it is about. I don't know how she can possibly use me if I go to the Capitol. How can she? I turn to the door.
"I've heard there's a wedding taking place soon." She says.
I turn to her."A wedding? Who's getting married?" I ask. It's not me is it? Peeta is not even better. Is it another show for the cameras? I'm starting to get nervous.
"It appears that Finnick Odair and an Annie Cresta are getting married." Oh, good. It's not me. It's Finnick. He's going to marry Annie, who he's completely in love with. I feel happy for them. "Katniss, you may go. Remember to get back to me with a decision." She says.
"Alright." I leave her office.
Going to the Capitol. Is that really what I want to do? Yes, it is. The Mockingjay should be there. Peeta will be fine without me. Stopping Snow has been my plan even before the Mockingjay stuff. I'm not going to pass this up.
What is she thinking? Thanks for reading, and reviews would be awesome.
-cheezebuns