I feel like shit right now. I can't believe I just cheated on JJ with Maura. I just can't say no to this fucking girl. I mean you saw me right? I tried to tell her no but then she started grinding on me and everyone knows I can say no when she pulls out the boobs. You think JJ will understand that? Fuck no, I'm in deep shit.
"Jane, stop thinking about it. I promise she won't ever know," Maura said. Which pissed me off.
"Don't think about it? I just cheated on my girlfriend, and you don't want me to think about that!? I'm not like you Maura I can't just cheat and not feel guilty" I hissed, but I knew I fucked up as soon as I heard her inhale sharply and I saw tears fill her eyes
"I'm sorry, I know I'm a horrible person. You can leave now if you want" she tried to move off my chest but I wouldn't let her go.
"I'm sorry, I'm not leaving you Maura. We just can't do that again." I explained as I held her tight, now I feel bad.
"I understand, thanks for holding me" she sighed and kissed my chest.
Man, I'm in deep shit. Why did I do this shit? JJ didn't do anything wrong she's a good person and a great girlfriend. Ugh, this is so fucked up. I care about JJ and I feel myself falling for her but I also still love Maura. Even though she hurt me I can't stop the love I feel for her. What am I gonna do about this situation that I'm in right now? My thoughts were interrupted by my phone. Damn it, it's JJ, I forgot I was supposed to Skype her when I got home.
"Rizzoli, " I said even though I know who it is.
"He, babe! Why didn't you skype me? I'm worried, is everything ok?" Maura must have heard her because she moved off of me and turned her back towards me.
"Everything is fine. I'm
so sorry I must have forgotten" which wasn't a lie, I really did forget.
"Well, I have some exciting news. I'm actually working a case in Boston. And instead of staying at a hotel, I thought I would stay with you," She said "We could spend time with each other while I'm here. What do you think?"
"Wow, that's wonderful news babe. When are you coming?" Fuck this is not good, not good at all. She's going to know that I just had sex with my ex-girlfriend.
"I'm about to get on the jet. I should be there within an hour or two." Fuck me, dude this is not good at all. I look over at Maura and she's trembling which means she's crying. That shit broke my heart. I hate seeing her cry. I can't leave her alone right now.
"Uh, babe I'm not really home. I'm staying with uh Maura"
"Maura? Your ex-girlfriend Maura? Why are you staying with her I'm confused?" oh shit, oh shit
"Yeah, that's the one. Dinner didn't end well and I just don't want her to be alone, so I said I will stay with her tonight" I'm so fucking unbelievably, ridiculously stupid.
"Sweetie I don't think that's such a good idea. Maybe you should just go home and wait for me"
"I can't leave her when she's like this babe. She's my best friend, I just can't"
"But she's not your friend, she's your ex-girlfriend. Jane, she cheated on you on your anniversary, that's not a best friend if you ask me" she said with a slight attitude
"What with the fucking attitude?"I asked getting annoyed.
"Because I just don't get why you're so hung up on this slut"
"Hey, watch your mouth don't call her that. You don't even know her! What gives you the right to say anything about her?" That pissed me off. She doesn't even know Maura, she doesn't get to talk shit about her.
"Jane, why are you defending her? Do you still want to be with her?" She asked me. And I honestly don't know if I can tell her no, and mean it.
"W-what, no O-of course not" I don't know if that was believable or not.
"Oh my god you are. Jane If you knew you were still in love with her, why would you waste my time." She asked with suck a soft voice. Damn, I'm a piece of shit. " I really have strong feelings for you, I was gonna introduce you to my team who is like a second family to me. You just played with my feelings Jane and that's really fucked up. You know what fuck you lose my number"
"Jennifer, baby I'm sorry. Okay please hear me out"
"Why should I? I should have known better. Long distance doesn't work out, it never especially won't work if you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend. Come on Jane be honest with yourself, your still in love with her. It wouldn't be right to start a relationship with me when you're still in love with your ex. Have a nice life Jane" and said before she hung up
Fuck she's right, I'm still in love with Maura. Even after everything that happened she still has my heart, and that won't ever change. What I don't understand is how. How can I still love her after everything she did to me? Why would I want to go back to the girl who treated me as if I was nothing?
"Maura" I whispered
"Yes" she whispered back
"How can I still love you after you broke my heart," I asked with tears falling down to my ears. She turnover to face me with tears in her eyes.
"Because we're soul mates." She whispered. Okay, that pissed me off because she was so madly in love with Ian fucker, nowI'm her soul mate.
"How can you say that Maura? You told me Ian is the love of your life and you have this deep ass connection with him," I said getting pissed off even more"Oh, I get it now that you realized that he's a jackass and now that he's gone you want me. Fuck that you're not about to use me."
"I'm not using you Jane. I thought I loved him, I forced it. My head was telling me that we have a connection, that he was the love of my life. But my heart was screaming at me telling me to wake up. I let my brain decided, not my heart" she said defending herself. But I'm having a hard time believing her.
"You're only saying that because it didn't work out between you and the Australian asshole" I whispered,
"Why do you think I got so upset when I saw you with JJ? My heart took over, I kept telling myself over and over that I had Ian. I messed up Jane, I should have listened to my heart. I'm so sorry" she finally broke down and cried. I pulled her close and she buried her face in my neck and sobbed. Even though I'm mad and confused as hell, I can't stand to see her cry.
"Shh please don't cry, I hate it when you cry. Please it's going to be okay" after a few minutes she calmed herself down
"I'm sorry, I know you hate when I cry. I can't help it" she whispered "I'm so sorry I hurt you"
"Stop apologizing I kinda know what you're going through. The same way I felt about Casey, is what you felt with Ian, I understand. I mean I probably wouldn't have done what you did but I understand I guess. Stop beating yourself up Maur" I kissed her head. I roll over on top of her and started sucking on her neck. Just like she used me to help her forget about her pain, I'm about to use her to forget mine.
" mmm, Jane?"
"Shh Let me do this" I whispered, I reached down to open her legs so I fit comfortably between them
" You can do whatever you want to me" she whispered
This shit isn't far! Why can't I hate her? I don't want to love her anymore. I don't want to care about her anymore. She didn't care about me when she was fucking that idiot. I can't take it anymore, I feel like shit and I don't know how to handle all of this. I clasped on top of her and started sobbing. She wraps her legs around me and rubbed soothing circles on my back
"I know honey, I know you want to hate me right now, I know I hurt you. I'm so sorry. Let it out" of course she knows what I'm feeling. She knows everything about me.
"This isn't fair, damn it! I don't want to love you anymore. I want to move on with Jennifer, but I can't. It's not fair that you get to cheat on me and I still love you. I want to hate you, but I can,t."
"I know I messed up badly. But if you give me a chance I promise I will never ever hurt you again. I will never let anyone come between us ever again. My heart and soul belong to you. I should have realized that I should have listened to my heart the first time. Will you give me a chance? Huh, babe will you give us another chance" she whispered, I can tell she has tears in her eyes and I know she's sincere.
"Please don't hurt me again, I won't be able to take it" I whispered after calming myself down
"I won't, I love you. And no matter have many fights we may get into, I will never ever leave your side and I will never ever hurt you again. I promise" she kissed my head. I don't want to give in, but I know I will never be able to move on. I will never be able to happy with anyone else.
"Okay, we can try again" I whispered. I pulled back so I can kiss her properly and place my head on her shoulder and we fall asleep in each other arms. I hope I'm making the right decision.