Chapter 14 – Forgiveness
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Neither of them spoke for several minutes. The label in Luke's water bottle was completely scratched off. He took a carrot stick and chewed it slowly while staring at the ocean. Lorelai continued to knit silently, stopping every so often to sip some coffee.
"So finally I spoke to Anna. I told her I was committed to you. I tried to set some boundaries with her, make her understand that the two of us… it just won't happen. She was furious. She told me that she and April were a package deal. If I didn't want to be with her, I can forget about spending time with April. She wouldn't allow it. And she stopped allowing April to visit me. So I called a lawyer and sued for joint custody."
This was news to her. She wondered if Sookie knew about it, and decided not to tell her. "How did it go?"
"I won. I get April every other weekend, one month during school holidays, and every other holiday. Anna doesn't call the shots anymore."
Lorelai gave him a sincere smile. "I'm happy for you," she mumbled. She tried to avoid wondering why he didn't sue for custody sooner, before the whole April and Anna situation caused their relationship to combust. I have to let this go, she thought.
"April also helped to clear my head. She told me she didn't like the family dinners. It was never her idea in the first place – that was all Anna. In fact, during one of the dinners, she outright asked about you. She likes you, even though the only time you spent together was during the birthday party. She knew that there wasn't any love between Anna and I, and the last thing she wanted was being in the middle of a love-less relationship. Her best friend at school was dealing with the divorce of her parents, and April didn't want any of that drama."
"That's one perceptive kid," Lorelai observed.
"Yeah. I wish I spoke to her sooner. She was very concerned about why you were never around when she came to visit. She… she thought you didn't like her. She was afraid to ask me, especially since she was just getting to know me. I… I explained to her that it was all my fault, that I was being stupid."
Lorelai nodded, but it broke her heart thinking that April thought she didn't like the girl.
"So that's pretty much everything I wanted to say. I… I know I was neglecting you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. There is no excuse. You deserve better. And if you'll let me, I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
Lorelai shook her head. "Luke, I don't blame you for the entire break-up. I… I'm the one who tried to force you to… to marry me when you were not ready," she said with a catch in her voice. She cleared her throat before talking again. "I'm the one who slept with someone else after. I'm… I'm sorry about that, Luke."
Luke stared at the ocean. "I can't pretend that the thought of you and Christopher doesn't still hurt. When you told me that morning, it felt like my world just… just collapsed around me. But I've made my peace with it."
"Have you really?"
"Yes. If I haven't, I wouldn't have come here to ask you to give us a chance again."
Lorelai was silent before she spoke again. "For all it's worth, it really didn't mean anything. I… I just didn't want to be alone that night. I felt like my world just collapsed around me. I gave you an ultimatum, you said no. I walked away and you didn't come after me. I felt like I've lost the love of my life. I was a mess that night. I don't even know how I got to his apartment. I cried and cried, we started drinking more than we should, and that's when it happened."
For the second time that afternoon, Luke reached over and took her hand, giving it a slight squeeze before letting go. She didn't flinch at his touch this time.
"I'm sorry too that I didn't tell you how I felt. I was just… I don't know, I was afraid if I push you too hard, you'd leave me. And I couldn't take that. So I just tried to carry on and pretend that I was fine with everything. Fine with you keeping me away from April. Fine with you not wanting to set a new wedding date. Fine with you hiding your family dinners at Woodbridge from me. I should have said something. I should have called you out. I shouldn't have waited until I reached the breaking point and had to go all crazy out in the street."
Luke shook his head. "I guess we both have regrets, especially for me. If we can forgive each other, can we… can we consider everything that happened as water under the bridge, as you keep saying, and try to move on from this?"
Lorelai glanced up at him and nodded. She gave him a small smile. "Water under the bridge for me, Luke. Whatever bridge that may be, whether to Terabithia or River Kwai or even Madison County."
Luke smiled, glad that she has finally started joking again. Lorelai continued, "And thank you for explaining everything. I've never heard you talk so much in the ten years that I've known you. Man, imagine the conversations we could have had if you just dropped your Mr. Monosyllabic act."
They shared a few moments of companionable silence, while Lorelai opened her can of Pringles and dipped it in chili. She offered some to Luke, who gamely tried it with a smile before going back to his carrot sticks.
After a big gulp of water, Luke hesitantly asked, "So what does this mean for us? I already told you that I want to get back together with you. But you never said anything. I don't know if you still feel the same way?"
Lorelai sighed, "Luke, my feelings haven't changed. The love… the love is still there. I just… I just don't know if I trust you right now. I'm sorry," she hurried to add when she noticed the grief in Luke's eyes. "I hope you understand, I just can't afford to get hurt again. It took me everything I had to get through the break-up. I had to leave Stars Hollow for months just to get myself back up. I had to drive around from state to state mindlessly to keep myself from breaking down completely. I'm not… I'm not ready to get into a relationship right now."
"Can we at least try to be friends again?" Luke asked. "Then maybe, if you ever change your mind, you could give me a chance again?"
Lorelai smiled. "Let's try to be friends when we get back to Stars Hollow. I'll be back soon anyway."
"But can I call you every day before then? Will you take my calls this time?"
Lorelai laughed self-consciously. "Sorry about that. I just wasn't ready to talk before, you know? I promise to take your calls now, or at least to call you back if you leave me a voice mail."
"That sounds fair. When you go back to Stars Hollow, will you come to the diner again?"
"Sure."
"And if April is there?"
"If she happens to be at the diner when I'm there, then we'll catch up. I miss her. She's a great girl. She reminds me a lot of Rory at that age." Lorelai paused, considering her next words. "But let's not make plans for me to spend time with April separately. I mean, the two of us, we're not together, so there's really no reason."
Luke tried not to feel hurt. After all, it was his fault why they were not in a relationship and why Lorelai was now hesitant to spend time with his daughter. He saw the wisdom of her suggestion though and nodded his head slowly.
"Anyway, we should probably head back soon. I can't believe I finished a whole scarf just listening to you ramble on and on," she teased.
"Do you… do you want to take a walk and watch the sunset before we head back? The sun would be setting soon, maybe in another twenty minutes or so."
Lorelai smiled. "I'd love that."
They started clearing up their things and put everything back in the bag. Luke ran over quickly to the truck to stow everything, while Lorelai strolled towards the shore. Luke caught up with her in no time, and they started walking leisurely together on the beach, not talking.
When the sun began to set, they both stopped as if my mutual agreement to take in the view, standing side by side, their shoulders barely touching. Luke nervously reached over and held her hand, hoping he wasn't being too forward. After a moment's hesitation, Lorelai leaned her head on his shoulder, her heart beating quickly. They stayed like that for several minutes, reveling in the feeling of love and forgiveness and comfort and friendship. Then, they started walking back to the truck. Luke wouldn't let go of her hand, and she didn't seem to mind.