Ch. 8 Switzerland's Secret Journal

Mar. 1

Today, there was a note on my front door that read "You mess with the bull, you get the horns. –Antonio" He must be referring to that whole chocolate misunderstanding with Bella. He probably sees me as some type of romantic rival. But it's okay, because Antonio's not that threatening (he looks kind of weak). I hope that this whole thing ends soon.

Mar. 2,

It would seem that people still have the wrong idea. Elizaveta left a stack of papers in my mailbox that where labeled "How to ask Out a Woman" I appreciate the concern, but it's all a misunderstanding. I'm putting an end to all of this.

Mar. 3,

Today I wrote a letter to everyone who knows about the incident. It read,

"To whom it may concern,

I am informing you that the chocolate I gave to Bella was not a token of my affection. Rather, it was a sample of Swiss chocolate that I was testing to see if it's better than Belgian chocolate. I gave it to Bella because I knew that if she preferred it to her own chocolate, then mine would have to be good. I hope you will understand and drop the whole incident.

–Vash"

I hope that will help people understand the truth.

Mar. 4,

Well, it appears that everyone (except Gil) got the message. They all acted like nothing happened, except for their apologies (which Gil did not offer). Antonio apologized for "threatening" me, even though I know I could beat him in a fight anytime if it weren't for my neutrality (he should really work out more). I'm glad that whole thing is over. I've learned my lesson, "Think before you speak"! The worst part is, I don't think Bella even ate the chocolate (that was a waste).

Mar. 5,

Antonio asked me for some chocolate today. I asked him why, and he told me he wanted to give some to Bella, because she likes my chocolate! She did eat it! That made my day. Mission accomplished, I created a chocolate that even the Belgians prefer to their own! I gave Antonio the chocolate he wanted (it's not like Bella likes Antonio, anyway). I hope Antonio can deal with rejection (I certainly can, but I'm not getting into that story).

Mar. 6,

It would seem that Antonio doesn't need to deal with rejection (maybe women like Antonio, but don't like me). Bella agreed to go on a date with him, although, it was probably the chocolate that really sealed the deal. I'm not going to worry about this at all, since I DON'T like Bella!

Mar. 7,

I had to make some more chocolate today, since Antonio took mine yesterday. Come to think of it, why did I give Antonio my chocolate in the first place? It's not financially good for me. Every time I make chocolate, it costs me $5.75 in ingredients! That's way too much! I'm not lending anyone my chocolate unless it's a life or death situation!

Mar. 8,

Feliciano streaked across my lawn again last night, because of his "nightmares". So today I went to Ludwig to talk about Feliciano's constant nightmares that lead to him being stark-naked on my lawn. Ludwig told me that he can't control what Feliciano dreams about. I don't care what Feliciano dreams about! I have at least one nightmare every night! And do I resolve it by stripping all of my clothes and running around outside? No I don't (Francis is one very good reason not to do that). I just think that Ludwig should tell Feliciano not to run through my property without clothes on.

Mar. 9,

Apparently, Ludwig didn't talk to Feliciano, because he did it again! I've had enough of this! This is exactly why I'm building a picket fence around my property line (with cheap wood, of course). It's about four and a half feet tall, so there's no way Feliciano can jump over it! My problems are solved.

Mar. 10,

Never mind what I said yesterday. Feliciano owns a ladder that can reach six feet, so he climbs my fence naked (Why can't he just go around?). He left two ladders in my yard, one to get in my yard, and one to get out. And I'm not going to move them, because he'll just find a way. He always finds a way.

Mar. 11,

Feliciano came to my house again, because Ludwig wasn't home. I really didn't want him falling asleep in my house again, so I called Lovino. When Lovino heard that Feliciano was at my house, he came over right away, and he was not happy. He said, "Feliciano, you •••! Why are you in this •••••••'s house? We're going home right now!" Then he dragged Feliciano out by his hair curl. It looked very painful.

Mar. 12,

Feliciano looked pretty bad today. His hair was all messy, and his curl was bent out of shape. He had a black eye, a bruised nose, and pasta sauce all over his shirt (he should really learn how to do laundry). Lovino must've beaten him pretty bad when they got home. Either that, or Feliciano got mugged by another elderly woman, like he did a few years ago. I'm still going to talk to Ludwig about this arising problem.

Mar. 13,

Ludwig said that when he's not home, he's not responsible for anything Feliciano does. I asked him if there's another place he can run to when he's scared. He said that he can go to Kiku's house. I'm telling Feliciano to go there (he doesn't even need to cross my lawn to get there).

Mar. 14,

Kiku was pretty mad at me today. Apparently, Feliciano got scared again last night, but Ludwig wasn't home, so he went to Kiku's house and told Kiku that I sent him. I couldn't really object that statement, because I did involuntarily send Feliciano to him. So now Kiku thinks that I hate him, and that's why I sent Feliciano. And that is not true, I sent Feliciano because I don't want to take care of him.

Mar. 15,

I got sick of Feliciano's problem with 'who's house should I run to?'. So I gave Feliciano a list of people he should go to. It has the most reliable people at the top of the list, and the lesser ones at the bottom. How it works is that if Feliciano gets scared and has to run to someone's house, he runs to the first person on the list. If the first person on the list isn't home, then he goes to the second person on the list. And then it goes so on and so forth. I put myself as the last person on the list, so that he'll never come to my house. It's such an ingenious plan.

Mar. 18,

Three days and Feliciano hasn't come to my house at all! This is incredible! Most of my plans would typically backfire, but this one hasn't (yet).

Mar. 19,

I guess Kiku doesn't like being the second one on the list. He never leaves his home (never!). I seriously think Ludwig pretends that he's not home, so that he doesn't have to take care of Feliciano. I don't blame him, Feliciano can be very annoying. But, you'd think someone as smart as Kiku would figure out Ludwig's trick, and use it for themselves.

Mar. 20,

Apparently everyone figured out Ludwig's trick and used it for themselves. I can tell because I got stuck taking care of Feliciano (naturally, I blame Gil for telling everyone to pretend they're not home). I told Feliciano how he needs to learn how to take care of himself, instead of relying so heavily on other people. He cried and told me he wanted pasta. So I made him some cheap ramen noodles, because I'm not making him some expensive, quality pasta. Besides, ramen noodles are delicious! Especially when you add the seasoning to it. He reluctantly ate it. But he never learned how to take care of himself.

Mar. 21,

I knew that if everyone already knew to pretend that they're not home, then Feliciano would keep coming to my house. I told Feliciano, that if he ever gets scared of something (which happens often) then he should go to Lovino first. And if Lovino won't help, then he should sit down and watch cartoons to calm himself down. If whatever scared him is that bad, where he can't calm himself down, then he should go to someone's house. If Ludwig isn't available, then he should go to Rodderiech and Elizaveta's house. I know that Elizaveta won't turn down Feliciano, because she's too much of a pushover to people in need. So this problem is finally solved.

Mar. 22,

Well, Feliciano stopped coming to my house. But, naturally, some other problem had to arise, because my life is that predictable. And this problem is BIG! Bigger than anything else that's happened recently. Lili was playing outside with Peter (of course), and she tripped and scraped her knee! She told me it was no big deal, but that didn't stop me from grabbing a first-aid kit. I sterilized her wound with no time to spare. I put not one, but TWO Band-Aids on her knee. I told her that she should sit down and drink plenty of water. But she said she was fine, and went back outside. I guess she'll be fine, but I'm just worried about her, I don't want anything bad to happen to her.

Mar. 23,

Lili seemed alright to walk, so I brought her to today's meeting. It's been a while since I brought her to a meeting, and I want to be sure that she'll know what to do when she's old enough to take part in the meetings. I was giving a presentation on how nations should save their money more wisely (like me). No one really listened, except Yao, because he's all about money (which is why he tries to sell that gross food to people). Lili mostly talked to Michelle (who was being watched by Raivis). I guess Lili's too young to realize the importance of these meetings. She'll learn eventually.

Mar. 24,

Felix left a weird message on my phone's answering machine. He said, "Do you think I've, like, totally given up on getting my fabulous hands on your pajamas? Well then, you're totally in for a surprise! I've got, like, a fabulous plan to get them, and you'll never stop me." I thought he gave up on my pajamas a long time ago. He can't take me by surprise, it's impossible. We'll see who has the pajamas when his plan fails.

Mar. 25,

Today, Raivis came to my front door. He asked if he could play with Lili, but the way he said it didn't seem natural. I said he could, but he tried to strike up some conversation. I was thinking, What is this kid doing? then, it hit me. Raivis was buying time. But for who? I quickly ran upstairs, and sure enough, Felix was in my room, looking for my pajamas. From what I understand, Felix asked Toris to make Raivis buy time by making him ask to play with Lili. Then, when I would be distracted, Felix would sneak into my room, through the window, and steal my pajamas. But it failed, because Felix thought he could fool me!

Mar. 26,

Toris apologized to me for making Raivis distract me so Felix could steal my pajamas. He said that it was completely Felix's idea, and that once Felix makes up his mind, there's no stopping him. However, he did say that he'll try to prevent Felix from getting any more pajama-stealing ideas. Toris actually has common sense, unlike a lot of people I'm forced into contact with. There's no chance Felix will get my pajamas.

Mar. 27,

Felix left a note in my mailbox that said,

"Dear Vash,

I'm, like, totally giving up on your pajamas. I've been trying to get them for, like, months now. I had at least fifty unfabulous attempts at stealing them. You no longer need to worry. Besides, I have Liet making me a pair of pajamas that will be much more fabulous than yours (I accidentally ripped the ones I had before).

-Felix".

I can't wait to see how "fabulous" his pajamas will be.

Mar. 28,

I put my pajamas in my army bag that I brought to the meeting, just in case. Felix was wearing his pajamas. It was awful. There was glitter on his shirt! Clearly, Toris isn't that good at sewing. The stitching wasn't as fine as how Lili sews. It kind of looked like Toris rushed himself because he really didn't care about Felix's needs. But I'm not going to say anything, because that will just stir up another pink-shirt conflict, and no one needs that.

Mar. 29,

Felix started leaving me alone, so he probably dropped the whole incident. I'm glad he did, because Felix can get very annoying, and my sanity is not to be tested. Why is it that he has to get jealous over a pair of pink pajamas? He is so weird. He's a cross-dresser! He doesn't wear girl clothing because he HAS to (like me), he wears girl clothing because he WANTS to. And it doesn't get much weirder than that.

Mar. 30,

Remember how Antonio was going out with Bella? Well, it would appear that Bella's older brother isn't too fond of Antonio. So they're having relationship problems (way to go Casanova).

Mar. 31,

It would seem that relationship problems turned into no relationship at all for Antonio and Bella. You'd think that Antonio would at least try to get their relationship back on track, but, like I said, he's not that strong. I honestly don't care about their new Romeo and Juliet problem, and I'm not going to get involved. My motto is, "If it doesn't concern me or Lili, don't get involved". And I'm going to obey that motto. If those two come to me for help, I'm going to do absolutely nothing.