Ch. 9 Switzerland's Secret Journal
Apr. 1,
Today, Bella did come to my door for help. Or, at least, that's what I thought. She said, "Elizaveta told me everything. And since Antonio and I are no longer seeing each other, I agreed." I honestly did not know what she was talking about, so I replied by saying, "Oh yeah, that's great. But can we reschedule to tomorrow afternoon? I'm kind of busy today." She agreed on coming back tomorrow at 3:00 for whatever it is that she wanted. The second she left, I called Elizaveta to ask her what Bella wants with me. She told me, "Well, Vash, I know how you have a crush on Bella. And I know how shy and sensitive you are about it, so I asked her if she would be interested in going on a date with you, and she said yes. She is such a sweet girl." My heart literally skipped a beat. Something tells me this wasn't an April fool's joke (Gil already egged my house). Elizaveta has to get a life! She can't do that! Now I have to go on a date with Bella! I can't tell her that I'm uninterested, because that's poor manners! What am I going to do?
Apr. 2,
This morning, I was wondering about how my "date" will go. Lili told me I had to wear something better. What's wrong with my Swiss Army field jacket? Lili made me wear a suit (I didn't even know I owned a suit). I'll admit, I looked rather dashing in a suit, but it's not a real date. I cooked dinner at around noon. I made cheese fondue (that's about as fancy as it gets) I even used the expensive cheese (Lord forgive me). Bella showed up at three o' clock. She was wearing a dress. I showed her in, and served her some food (I swear I saw Antonio looking through my window). The whole "date" was awkward. Bella told me that Elizaveta said I was a sensitive, funny, caring person who would be perfect for any woman (I felt my stomach churn when she said this). It was really the dumbest date I've ever been on (it was the ONLY date I've ever been on). I was glad when it was over. I gave Bella a box of chocolate before she left, as good manners. When she was gone, I took off that dumb suit, put on my field jacket, and went to sleep. I'm never doing something dumb like that ever again.
Apr. 3,
I told Elizaveta to never put me through that ever again. She asked me what happened (she was probably hoping for something interesting to gossip about). I told her that we ate food and talked about things that have happened recently, like Felix's pajamas, for example. And NOTHING romantic happened because I don't like Bella, I like... never mind. So the next time Elizaveta wants to bring some color to her miserably dull life, she'd better refrain from using me to hear something interesting.
Apr. 4,
Last night, Antonio snuck into my house to teach me a lesson for "stealing" his girlfriend. He wanted to beat me senseless. I didn't want to hurt him, but he wouldn't get out of my house, so I gave him a black eye so he would leave. He seriously should hit the gym.
Apr. 5,
Gil spread rumors that Antonio got a black eye because we were "fighting for Bella's heart". That sure gave Elizaveta something to gossip about. Gil said that I stole Antonio's girlfriend, so he got mad, and eventually, we fought over her. Because I would really fight for a person that I don't like. How does that work?
Apr. 6,
I told Bella that we should not date anymore. We should both see other people. I told her that I wasn't that into her in the first place, and that she should go back to Antonio. She was okay with that. I also told her that what Elizaveta told her was a lie. So we are no longer a couple (even though we were never a couple to begin with) and I am once again (sort of), a bachelor.
Apr. 7,
Alfred came to my door today, and said that he was hosting a potluck dinner. Since I love (free) potluck dinners. And I decided to bring Lili to this (free) potluck dinner. We left at around 6:00 p.m. We brought cheese fondue (made with only the cheapest cheese). It was a pretty good dinner, there was quite a bit of people there. I think everyone was there. Everything was going well, until Ivan showed up. He decided to bring vodka (I don't know why). Everyone (except the children who were there) got completely wasted. I can hold my liquor better than most of the people there, so I was one of the last people to get drunk. I knew that I had to protect Lili, so I took her home, and went back to Alfred's house to restore some peace. I knew that if I were to pass out, then I would wake up with Elizaveta '83 style, so I handcuffed her to a table. She was extremely angry, but I did it for both our sakes. I'm gonna stop writing for now...things are getting kind of hazy...
Apr. 8,
Well, for once I didn't wake up at a party with a half-naked Elizaveta next to me, so the handcuffs worked (I don't even know why I own handcuffs). Elizaveta was still cuffed to the table leg, but it would appear that she tried to escape, because there was a Bobby pin in the lock. I don't know why she's attracted to me when she's drunk. Aside from all this, the rest of the house was in pretty bad shape. Everyone was passed out; either from fatigue or alcohol (I don't know why I always wake up first at these parties). It looked like Antonio and Bella had their own little '83 moment (at least I'm not the only one). There was a pair of dirty socks (probably Alfred's, because they were red, white, and blue) in my cheese fondue, which no one ate (how depressing). I was afraid to inspect anymore of the damage. I got scared when I saw a pants-less Francis cuddling with a shirtless Arthur (gross). I left before anyone else woke up, because I don't want anyone "volunteering" me to clean up. I took my cheese fondue bowl (I reluctantly dumped out the old moldy cheese that was in it this morning). Why did Alfred have to turn a potluck dinner into a drinking party?
Apr. 9,
Gil couldn't get any pictures of me and Elizaveta, thanks to that pair of handcuffs I used on Elizaveta. Instead, he got a lot of pictures of Antonio and Bella. He sent those pictures to pretty much everyone. I had to hide the ones he sent me. They were very graphic and adult, and I don't want Lili to see Antonio and Bella getting drunk '83 style (they even disturbed me a little). Why would Gil mail something like that? I'm about 99% sure that that's illegal.
Apr. 10,
Elizaveta must've got those pictures, too. She told me, "I'm sorry Vash; I know that you like Bella. She probably didn't know what was happening at that party. She was probably drunk. But don't worry; I'm pretty sure that she likes you too." I was fed up with Elizaveta's cluelessness, I just screamed out, "I don't like Bella! When will you understand that? Please just leave me alone! And I've got news for you; we've done that same thing numerous times! I'm just the only one who realized it! I'm sorry for yelling, I just need some time to myself." That made her leave.
Apr. 11,
My little outburst yesterday made Lili and Elizaveta think that I was upset about Antonio taking Bella away from me. We went on one date! What do I care? It wasn't even a real date. I'm not upset because Antonio "took Bella from me". I'm upset because people don't understand what I'm trying to tell them.
Apr. 12,
I didn't know what to do about Elizaveta and Lili thinking I'm upset about Bella and Antonio, so I sought out advice. So I went to the smartest person I know...Kiku. Kiku told me to explain to Elizaveta and Lili in full detail, why this is all a misunderstanding, he said, "You need to exprain to Riri and Erizaveta that you don't rike Berra, and that they misunderstood what happened throughout arr this confusion." Well Kiku, I'll do just that.
Apr. 13,
It was much easier to explain this to Lili than it was to explain to Elizaveta. Probably because Lili's more willing to accept it than Elizaveta. I also explained it to Bella, for good measure, and I told her about Elizaveta's gossiping. Nobody really cared when I told them this; it just changed their perspectives about me. When I was done explaining to those three, I went to Rodderiech to tell him that his ex-wife has been gossiping about my love life (which was completely inaccurate, by the way). He didn't care that much. Usually (unless it has to do with Beethoven or Bach) Rodderiech usually doesn't care about what I have to say. And I really couldn't care less about what he says, either. So that pretty much balances out.
Apr. 14,
It seems like people no longer believe that I like Bella. It took about a month-and-a-half but at least it happened. I'm pretty sure that Bella's just as happy as I am. Antonio's ten times happier. Everyone wins!
Apr. 15,
Lili and I went on a picnic today. It's been a while since we've had one, so I agreed when Lili asked. We packed some sandwiches (with Swiss cheese, of course). I packed some bratwurst, too (it's so good). We didn't talk about any issues that recently have, or are currently happening. Lili asked me how my journal was doing, and I told her that I don't write down any of my feelings. I just write down current problems. I don't write my emotions, I write my ideas and perspectives. Aside from all that, lunch went pretty good. I'm glad me and Lili went on a picnic, because it's been a while since we have.
Apr. 16,
Gil, Antonio, and Francis tried to get into my house today. I think they wanted to "borrow" some money. And Francis possibly wanted to look through my underpants (God knows why). They didn't attempt it for a while, but I heard them talking. I heard stuff like, "Vash won't mind if $20 is missing..." or, "Where does Vash keep his underpants? I will have it!" and the occasional, "I wonder if Bella will call me. Or maybe I'll call her. What do you think guys?" I'll let you guess who said what. Gil and Francis (Antonio had a date with Bella) tried to climb through my window, so I pushed down there ladder when Gil was halfway up. They tried to climb up again, so I took my Swiss Army knife and sawed through the last few steps, so they can't use that ladder anymore. They left, but trust me, they'll think of something else to annoy me.
Apr. 19,
It took a few days, but they thought of something. They taped inappropriate pictures of me back in '83 all over my front door. I tore down all the pictures and ripped them up before Lili saw them. And I swear I saw Francis running away with one of the pictures, so God knows what he'll be doing with that. I didn't know there were any existing photos of '83 that I haven't either burned or used as targets. The Bad Touch Trio is a crafty bunch. You never know what they're planning or why they're planning it, but there business is not to be messed with.
Apr. 20,
I think that the Bad Touch Trio is planning something else that involves me. I can tell because they were watching me yesterday and talking in privet. I can't wait to see what it is this time (I definitely used a bit of sarcasm there). They can't let April fool's Day be just one day like it's supposed to be. They make it April fool's month. They play pranks year-round, but there pranks are more concentrated in April.
Apr. 22,
I have three questions: Where am I?; How did I get here?; And why do I have my journal with me? I woke up this morning in a place that I didn't fall asleep in, and I'm in a strange place that is cold and creepy. I'm not scared, Vash Zwingli never gets scared. I'm just a little concerned. I might be able to find my way back, if I figure out where I am. I'll let you know what happens later.
Apr. 23,
Apparently, yesterday, I was on Ivan's property, which would explain the low temperature and creepy setting. I was able to find my way back, but Ivan wanted money, because he helped me solve the problem of not knowing where I was, but I didn't have my wallet, so now I owe Ivan $20, or else his creepy sister Natalia will stalk me for a few weeks, and she's pretty scary. I don't see what Toris sees in her.
Apr. 24,
I gave Ivan his $20, so I'm safe from Natalia. Then I went to give the Bad Touch Trio a piece of my mind. I asked them why they did that to me, and Gil's response was, "We thought it'd be funny." I asked them how I got in Ivan's front yard, and they said they carried me while I was sleeping. They waited until they knew I was asleep, and then they carried me to Ivan's front yard as a sick joke (I'm just glad that I didn't wake up with Elizaveta for once). What is wrong with those guys?
Apr. 25,
Lili asked me where I was yesterday. I don't think she'd be able to handle the truth, so I told her that I was in the park, taking a walk in the moonlight (yes, I do that) and I got home late because I lost track of the time. And by the time I got home, Lili was already asleep. Fortunately, I got home early in the morning, so Lili was asleep, thus making my story believable.
Apr. 26,
I always forget that Lili reads my journal. She found out, and said she was mad that I lied to her (What is she? My mother?). I apologized for my lying, probably because Lili isn't nice to be around when she's mad, and I don't want another "honesty" lesson from Gil.
Apr. 27,
Lili gave me my punishment for lying to her (I'm supposed to be the one in charge of her! Not the other way around. I just can't tell her 'no'.). I have to give up ALL of my guns for a week! That's crazy! If I'm still alive in one week, I'm going to have a (not too mean) talk with Lili. How will I live?
Apr. 28,
Since I'm not allowed to have my guns for the next week, I started using my Swiss Army knife. Basically, I've been shaving pieces of wood. Not carving, because I'm not making anything, I'm just shaving wood into smaller pieces of wood. It passes the time, but it doesn't fill the void in my soul where guns used to be.
Apr. 29,
I figured out today, that shaving soap is way more fun than shaving wood. Plus, I can carve soap much easier than wood. So I went to the store, and bought ten bars of soap. Unfortunately, Gil was there, and he saw me with all that soap, so of course, he said, "Wow, Vash! You're finally taking a shower!" I didn't find that funny. I shower twice every day! I don't know what he's talking about. Even the pretty lady working the cash register laughed at Gil's comment (at least I'm not stuck working a cash register, lady). I settled this by punching Gil in the stomach, and walking home.
Apr. 30,
I started carving soap today. It's pretty easy. So far, I'm working on my second bar of soap. The first one, I carved into the Swiss flag. This one, I'm carving into the Liechtenstein flag (for my precious Lili). Carving soap really passes the time when you can't use your guns (even though it will never be the same). I can't wait until I can use them again. I was really looking forward to shooting my SIG-550. In four days, I'll make up for that lost time with my guns.