I wouldn't leave you guys hanging so for long! Here it is. I have to mention that even though there's a lot of depressing things going on, it's not always going to be. Makes you appreciate the happy parts. (sorry if there's any gram. errors)
Chapter 18
If I ever imagine of telling him I was pregnant, it would have been years from now, when we were married, and living safely in our home in District 12. I imagine he would be happy and excited, and I could probably be happy too, because he will be. I would probably wait a few years because I'm still not so warmed up to the idea of having children, knowing that they could get hurt. But here I am, in the middle of war, probably on Snow's list to be assaninated. Peeta's hospitalized, and he doesn't remember me that well, let alone the fact how I became pregnant. My child will probably get hurt somehow. Nope, not a good time.
Peeta is paralyzed with shock. He slowly loses grip of my hand. He looks confusingly at me.
"What?" he starts. "You said it was just a plan we had. It wasn't real"
"It wasn't supposed to be real." I add.
"But I… don't remember when-. How can it be mine?"
"Peeta, it's yours." I say. "It happened the night before the interviews." I say more hesitantly. I unzip Dr. Odessa 's jacket, to reveal the small bump. He looks sad.
"Did we really get married then?" he asks.
"As far as the people who watched our interview know,"
"But we're really not?"
"No, we're not." I speak in a low tone. I feel almost ashamed of speaking of this. He furrows his eyebrows and clenches his hands in the restraints.
"Why can I not remember any of this?" he says frustrated. He's starting to shake.
"It's not your fault that you don't remember any of this, but just know, it's really your child." I say softly.
He looks like he's tensing up. He grabs on to the bedside rails. His pupils are dilating. I sit there, distressed, not knowing what to do. I put my face into my hands. All I can hear is Peeta fast breathing. I look up. I have to help him. I have to calm him down.
"Peeta, forcus. Stay with me."
"I… can't." he says.
"Yes, you can. Peeta, you're in no danger. Hold on to what's real. I'm here to help you."
The doctor and Haymitch come into the room. The doctor goes to Peeta to calm him down. Haymitch grabs me by the arm and pulls me out of the room. A herd of nurses go into the room after us. I stand outside watching through the window. The nurses sedate him and he looks blankly at me.
I turn away. I can't stand seeing him like that. Haymitch walks me away from the window and we sit on the bench.
"I ruined it." I say discouraged.
He pats me on the back. "I'm sure if he was never hijacked, he would have still found it hard to follow." He says. "I mean who wouldn't? It just takes time, right?"
"I guess so. I just hope I didn't permanently harm him."
"I doubt it. The boy's stronger than you think." He says.
"Right." I say. "He seemed to be the one with the level head, well, until we got him back from the Capitol. He didn't let nightmares control him. He's stronger than me." I look in the direction of the window. He may be strong, but everyone has their breaking point. If I stay here, is it really helping him? I'm the one who is always upturning those paroxysms. And if he can't live with me in his life, then how am I going to raise our child? I never planned on having children. They'll just get hurt and then I'll be hurt knowing I can't protect them. I'll break if something happens to them. What's the point? He or she doesn't deserve to be hurt. I love them so much, that I think the only way to keep them from real pain, is for them not to be born at all.
"I'm going to bed now." I get up from the bench and start walking away. Haymitch doesn't say anything and then walks in the other direction. I want to go to bed and sleep away all this negative thoughts. Get away from reality, but not now. I have to go to Coin.
I walk to her office and find the secretary not there. I open the door a peek. Coin spots me.
"Come in." she says. I walk in and close the door behind me. "Have you made your choice?"
"Yes. I am going." I say dismally. She doesn't notice my attitude about it.
There's that smile again. "Glad to hear it. What made you make up your mind?" she asks.
"Some self encouragement." I lie.
"Well then, I'll make all the arrangements for your departure. Your state will stay concealed. Oh, and I'm sure many people will become completely for the liberation when the Mockingjay is the one to rid of Snow. You'll probably have a shoulder cam of some sort." She says. "You are dismissed. Good night."
I leave the room without a word. My conscious is yelling inside my head, but I ignore it. I just have to get through these next few days without showing any emotion of what I'm going to do. I'm not going to back out. I hope.
In the morning I eat breakfast quickly before anyone I know sits down. I go to nuclear history class and begin to day dream about Snow being dead. Usually my feelings are eating at me right now, but I feel emotionless, sort of like how Peeta was before. Maybe I'm taking control of them.
When I go to training with Gale I have to act fine. Being emotionless is abnormal for me. Luckily, we head off to different stations.
I begin with some weights. They're not that heavy. I do some kind of obstacle course and finish it in good time. Then I'm off to the hand to hand combat station. I didn't see Gale walk over.
"What are you doing?" Gale asks.
"I'm going to that station." I say.
"Katniss you'll get hurt." He says almost in a parent fashion.
"Not if I'm the one hurting the other." I say.
He rolls his eyes. "Why do insist in getting into situations where you could easily get hurt?"
I sigh in frustration. "How am I going to protect myself when I am in a situation when someone is trying to hurt me?"
"You won't be. At least not till much after you have the baby." He says lowering his voice.
"You don't know that."
"Well, it's unlikely here, in Thirteen."
"A war is going on, if you haven't noticed. Nobody is safe." I say.
Gale scowels at me and I walk away. I wish he wasn't so concerned about something he really doesn't have any part in. Just because of him, I start with the punching bag. My hands hurt but I don't care. My knuckles turn red. My punching bag barely moves. I give it stronger punch, using my body and it swings. I give a small laugh. I punch the hell out of it. It feels good to put off my fustration at something.
I look over to see Gale with some other trainees. He's punching a bag of his own while some guy holds it for him. I look over to hand-to-hand combat station. The girl with dark red hair, I recognize, flips a guy. The guy gets up and walks off the mat with a scowl.
"Don't be mad!" she says jokingly. "Who wants to go?" she says.
I walk over to the mat. "I'm up for it." I say.
"Alright, awesome." She takes a stance. "Don't think I'll go easy on you, Katniss."
She knows my name. That's no surprise. I'm given padded fingerless gloves by the trainer. I take a sturdy stance, then the trainer tell us to begin.
She makes the first move and her fist misses my shoulder. While I'm ducking I take punch to her ribs. She gives a slight ooff and then jumps back. She does a side kick and it makes my leg bend. While I'm off balance she kicks me and I land on my knees. Another kick comes down, but I move to the side and get up. We take stances again. I have to look for a weakness. Her arms are guarded in front of her face, leaving her ribs unguarded. I do a low upper cut. She gets hit then jumps to the side and punches me in the face. I step back and wipe the sweat off my forehead. I start punching her in her torso and when she is guarding her ribs, I give her one in her side. She smiles evilly and does a roundhouse kick and I fall to the ground.
"Come on Katniss, up and at it." she says. She's proud of herself, jumping in place. On the ground, I do a hard round house kick and she falls to the ground. She scrambles to sit up. "Not bad." She says. We both get up quickly and just when I about throw another punch, the trainer calls it quits and the siren for the period is over. I walk off the mat and grab a water bottle.
"Nice fighten with ya, Everdeen." The girl says as she walks by.
"Yeah, same." I say in between my fast breathing. I wipe my forehead, then Gale walks past me giving me a disappointed look.
I dismiss it. I guess it's best right now that he doesn't continue to urge me to play it safe. It would just make it harder, well, because I'm going on the mission. I can take care of myself. I've been taking care of family for years. I don't understand why everyone continues to leave me out. Do they think I'm weak, that I can't protect myself? That is not true.
I'm told not to go see Peeta today. The doctor wanted to put in some more tests of his improvement, so he thinks it may be best that I don't see him. I think he just doesn't want me to be the cause of another episode. It will be easier if I don't have to see him before I go.
I find my mother and Prim in the hospital. My mother cleans up her office, and I sit with Prim, who is studying a large text book. She's studying to be a doctor. Prim a doctor. It's sounds like the perfect vocation for her. Once the shift ends, we walk back to the boarding cell.
The next day I sit and take a tray, and sit with Johanna, Finnick, and Annie. I haven't seen Gale today, but it's only the morning.
I take a seat across from Annie and beside Johanna.
"So that big day is pretty close isn't it?" says Johanna. "That bastard, Snow, will finally get what's coming to him." She mutters menacingly.
Annie frowns at her language. She stirs her oatmeal. "I guess that's the kind of spirit they want for soldiers going to the Capitol." she says.
"You're going, Johanna?" I ask.
"Of course. I'm not going stay here while all the action happens." That's how I felt. I'm going to go, but they don't know that.
"I'm perfectly capable of going into battle. I'm not prego or insane." She adds. I don't take her comment personally. I just give a sarcastic laugh.
"I don't know about that last one." I say. Johanna gives me a glare and then she takes a piece of apple from my oatmeal.
"I kind of wanted to stay for this one, but they thought it would help the cause if I went. I mean, I just got married, no honeymoon. I should be given like a vacation time, right?" Finnick says lightly.
"No honeymoon. You just come back, okay?" says Annie. Finnick gives her light kiss on her head.
"Don't worry Annie." I say. "With this girl on his team I'm sure he won't even get to shoot a bullet." I gesture to Johanna.
"That's right." Johanna says.
I hear someone walk up behind me. I'm prepared to turn around to see who it is, but then Finnick greets them. "Hey Peeta, how's it going?"
I drop my spoon into the oatmeal.
"Fine, I think." He says good naturedly.
Finnick gives a small laugh. "I know what you mean."
"You're… out?" I ask.
"I'm still under supervision. I'm not totally healed yet, so they think I'm not quite trustworthy. I have to ask permission to sit with you guys." A notice a guard stands behind him.
"Sure he can sit here. We're old friends." says Johanna. The guard nods and leaves. Peeta takes a seat next to Johanna. "Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams."Annie clasps her hands other ears, and Finnick gives an angry look to Johanna.
"My head doctor told me not to censor my thoughts." She replies.
I speak up. "So… you're still staying in the hospital?" I ask over Johanna.
"Uh yeah. They say I'll be out in a couple days. They'll just keep supervising till then." Peeta says.
What strikes me odd is that he seems completely collected. It's like the event of me telling him I'm pregnant never happened.
"You're getting better, that's good." Finnick says.
"Yeah… I guess." He says lowly.
The rest of the conversing is between Finnick and Johanna. Everybody else just listens. Finnick tells a story about a sea turtle stealing his hat, then I pretend to laugh along. I'm still confused about Peeta. Every time I try to get eye contact with him, he's looking another way. I'm thinking about confronting him after, but it would just get in some kind complications and I don't feel to up to that right now. We wouldn't be able to talk with all these people. Once I finish my breakfast, I quickly say good-bye and depart, before anyone else does.
I attend a class about some military tactics, and I make sure to take notes. Then I go to another class about health. After a quick lunch I see that next on my schedule is Training. I wonder if Gale will show up. I haven't seen him all day.
I walk into the training center and immediately spot Gale. He's watching the trainer assemble a weapon. I stand and observe, but I don't stand next to Gale. I feel his eyes on me, but when I look to him, he's attention is on the trainer.
"Alright, laps around the Center." says the trainer in a raised voice. Everyone grabs a gun and stars jogging along the outer way around the Training Center.
I'm jogging and then I'm almost right behind Gale. I run beside him then go more in the front of the group. When we finish the laps, we start practicing in the shooting range. The trainer actually gives me a gun to try out and Gale isn't there to object to it. I don't know why. A pregnant girl can shoot a gun.
My fingers are becoming sore from pressing on the trigger. With each recoil, I'm pushed a little back. I take a sturdier stance and prepare for the recoil. I push the trigger and it hits the target. Yes! I continue with my newly found method and it works well enough.
When we are free about to go to any station, I take up knife throwing. Gale is doing pull ups. The red-head girl, whose name is Enna, calls me over.
"Hey Katniss how about a round up here?" she calls. I look over to Gale, and this time he makes eye contact.
She's going think I'm a chicken. "I'm not up to it today." I say.
"Oh, come on. Just one match? We'll be leaving soon, and we need the practice." She says. I continue with my knives. She sighs. "Oh, you just know I'll be beat you." She says.
"Yeah, that's why." I mumble sarcastically.
"Alright then… you!" she points to Gale. "Yeah, you! I challenge you." Gale looks over to me and I raise an eyebrow. He walks toward the mat.
I don't pay attention much to their match, but Gale wins. Enna is a little disappointed for ending her winning streak, but she's a good sport.
When Training is over I catch up to Gale.
"Where have you been?" I ask.
"With Beetee, putting together traps. That mission is tomorrow." He says plainly.
"Yeah it is." I say solemnly. I should meet with Coin for my arrangements.
"Are you upset that you're not going?" he asks. I shrug my shoulders. I avoid any signs that will give away of what I'm thinking. We keeping walking, the sounds of our footsteps matching. "Hey, don't get caught up in feeling bad. You've done a lot already."
"Yeah, I know." I say. Gale walks off in another direction and I go to Coin's office.
You think she'll go through with it? I can't say much what happens, but thank you guys, for reading. Reviews would be awesome.
-cheezebuns