Another good chapter. I liked writing this one. Happy reading!
"Do you have an appointment?" asks the secretary.
Really? I mouth. She can't be serious. "Please, just let her know I'm here." I say.
"Sure, fine." She says. She presses a button and informs President Coin that I'm here. Coin tells her let me in. The secretary gestures her arm to the door.
"Uh, thanks." I say. I walk over and try to open the door steadily. My hands are slightly shaking. I don't want her to see me nervous. I don't want to appear frail.
Coin stands behind her desk. She seems to be posed for my arrival. "Katniss," she says. "you're not backing out, are you?"
"No, I'm not." I reply.
She leans her on the desk on her hands. I guess she's trying to look authorative. "I'm sure you want to hear the full arrangements then?"
"Yes." I answer.
From a suitcase, she takes out a regular soldier uniform. I notice its vest is slightly different. There's also , what looks like , a black surgical mask. She holds it up. "This is a mask that soldiers are permitted to wear. It filters some air, and helps in less harmful gases and smoke. You should wear it. It will partly conceal your indemnity." She takes a small pack from under her desk. Attached to its side is a small slim capsule for arrows. "This will be you're pack. It contains the usual necessities and place for arrows. It will be put into the supply closet you like so much. That is where you'll find everything tomorrow."
"Alright, but what about boarding a hovercraft?"
"Right. It appears our "Star Squad" will be boarding hovercraft 14. They're called "Star Squad" by Plutarch, because they will be filming the tribute victors and your friend. You will be on hovercraft 16 with team 435. They are one of the teams targeting Snow's mansion, where he will be."
"Wait, all the victors are going? Including Haymitch and Beetee?"
"No, just the younger ones," She says chafed. "And of course excluding the demented ones."
Demented ones? Annie and Peeta may be a little deranged, but they're not demented. I feel the impulse to yell at her to not to call them that, but I can't yell at the president of District 13. Well, if I did, I could blame it on the hormones.
"The hovercrafts will leave District 13, and then you'll put in word to my family that I'll be working here?"
"Yes, of course. Oh and I need to mention, that Messalla and Pollux will join you for filming."
"What? They're coming with me to film? They know about this?"
"I've asked Messalla to. He agreed to do it, and I bade them both not to tell anyone of our plan."
"How did you get them to do that?" I ask bothered. Well, Pollux is an avox, so he can't speak, but the question is still there: why would they agree to it?
"You should not worry so much. Messalla agreed to it, because he found that filming you for the rebellion important."
"This will be aired? But then everyone will know that I went on that mission." I say.
She looks at me like I'm over reacting. Her attitude towards me is starting to get on my nerves. She acts as if she's filling in the request of child. Her apathetic tone is what really aggravates me.
"Only a few know of your condition. Still, does it really matter when we win this war? What will happen? You will be safe with the soldiers in your team. They'll act as bodyguards. Your team will find Snow and then you'll be able to take him out." I feel uncertain about all of this again. "The doctors will dismiss the thought of you being pregnant when we all come back with a victory. Relax Miss Everdeen. We have it all planed out." She says.
"I need to talk about… if I don't come back…"
"Please, did you not hear about all arrangements? Your safety is very important. Nothing will happen." Obviously, she is lying. She can't control everything, and there is always the chance I'll die. Even here.
"If I don't come back…" I say more sternly. "I want everybody to know why I went. In my words, for my reason."
"Other than the reason that it is the Mockingjay's duty?"
"Yes," I say. "I will leave a written letter of my reasons, and it should not be opened unless, and till, I'm pronounced dead." I don't think President Coin is taking me as serious as I feel.
"Exactly what do you plan to write?" asks Coin.
"Hopefully the time won't come to when you find out." I say. She sits back in her chair, trying to read my mind or something. "For going on this mission and fulfilling my Mockingjay duty, I ask this as my last request. If I die, my letter will be read with no adaptation and straightly from it."
"Of course, but you will be safe." She says.
Safe. I remember back to the talk I had with Johanna. How the therapist constantly told her she was safe. We are never safe. We never will be. Victor tributes will never really know what it is, again. It's something that I longed for when Peeta was gone. When he held me during the night, I felt some kind of security. It wasn't real safety, but I guess just the feeling comforts me. Hearing Coin saying I'll be safe, makes it clear that it's lie, but I wonder if she knows that.
"Well, is that all that we need to talk about then?"
"Yes." I say.
"Well then. We'll be seeing you when you get back from the Capitol." She reaches out a hand for me to shake. I shake it and leave the office. Now, I've got to go see one more person.
In the hospital ward, I find the doctor and talk to him about me going to see Peeta. After some words of pleading, he finally allows me to. He says that there's video surveillance, and that he doesn't have to be present when I talk to Peeta. He hands me an ear piece just in case of another outburst. He will be attending to other things. Even though with all these precautions, he says Peeta is actually doing better.
I do a small tap on the door for a warning and then open it. Peeta is not in bed. He's sitting in a chair.
"Katniss," He rises from his chair. "I wanted to talk to you after the breakfast period, but you left so suddenly."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know."
He shakes his head. "It's fine. Listen," He steps closer to me. "I want to tell you I believe you, but my thoughts keeping jumbling to keep me thinking straight."
"I understand." I say.
"Also, I've been thinking a lot, and I want to know something."
"What is it?"
"So, if you are pregnant with our baby," he's trying to get over the abnormality of saying that. "I want to know if you loved me then."
"What?"
"Did you really love me, right before that night?"
"Peeta, what-"
"Or did you tell yourself that you loved me after that?"
I understand what it could mean. That this baby is just forcing us to be together, that I still don't love him. It could still all be an act, but without the Capitol causing it.
Even though I think the answer should be clear, it's not. Did I do it out of love? Or did I do it to love? I look into his eyes; the blue iris that made me feel in love that day. Was it that day that I felt something? Couldn't it have been when we both came out of the Games? I just didn't let myself think so.
"It was out of love, or I would have never done it." I say softly.
He looks at me suspiciously. I guess he deserves to, because it's happened before; I pretended to love him, and then he gets hurt when he sees it all as a play.
I guess he realizes I'm telling the truth. It looks like he lowers his suspicion. He doesn't look ecstatic or overjoyed. He just puts a hand to my cheek. Then he moves closer, but he doesn't kiss me. He just touches our foreheads together. We stay like that, then he holds one of my hands. "I think I can say… I love you, again." He says in a hushed tone.
I think my heart just expanded. Hearing him say those words again makes me want to cry. I can finally feel the same way when he admits it. I concentrate on keeping my eyes from tearing up.
Does he really mean it now? I want to believe it. All I know is that I'm in love with him. I'll do anything to keep him from harm. It's one of the little reasons for going to the Capitol, along with others, but more on that later.
After collecting myself from the episode of complete happiness, I spend the time talking with him. I tell him more things of our past, and then I edge closer to what happened before the Quarter Quell. I tell him about our day together before the interviews. Then I know there's something he'll want to talk about. It's the topic I've been trying to avoid a little longer, but it's important . He brings it up before I can steer clear from that conversation. If we talk about it, it will only make it harder to go to the Capitol.
"When did you find out you were pregnant?" he asks.
"About four months ago." I answer.
"Were you scared?"
"Well, yes. I was actually terrified. I never planned on having children, and I was worried about raising our baby alone."
Peeta holds on to my hand. We're both sitting on the bed beside each other.
"You kept it a secret." He says.
"Yes. I kept it a secret, so I wouldn't be stopped from going to the Districts. So I could keep my part in a deal with Coin."
"What was that?"
"I had requests in return for being the Mockingjay. I asked for things like hunting and keeping Prim's cat. I also asked for the immunity of the captured tributes, and their rescue."
Peeta keeps his gaze down. "You risked a lot." He says. That's not all I'm risking, I think.
"I thought it was worth it," I put a hand on my stomach. "I cared about the baby, but I guess I didn't really care about myself. I guess that's was what I thought when I went to the districts. It seems a little contradicting."
"Just a little bit." He says in a soft tone, but he's smirking. I would think he would be absolutely serious, but I guess that's what I love about him. He lightens the feeling in the room. He makes a person feel at ease with his charismatic-ness. I know that's not a word, but it describes him.
"It felt right. Did I do the right thing?" I ask. He looks at the wall. I wait for him to answer.
"Well, if my mind wasn't tampered with then, and I knew what you were doing it, then I would have said no. I guess I would of thought that it wasn't worth risking the baby's and your well being for all this war stuff and my rescue, but we can't change the past."
I look at the ceiling. The ceiling tiles so square and plain. I don't know why I have such an interest with them. Then I think back to my agreement with Coin. The trip to the Capitol, the letter, risking my life. Is that really the right thing to do?
My Reasons for Going:
Snow deserves to be assassinated, and I would like to do it myself.
I've escaped death countless times, and if I do die on the mission, then it would be fate in order, wouldn't it? Even if the rebels won the war, I would probably be in some kind of danger because of my history and what I have done. Didn't I come up with the berries that started the process of rebellion? Trying to live a normal life is impossible and my reputation would only cause harm to the people close to me. Like I said, we're never safe.
I thought before, that Peeta would live more happily if I wasn't around. I would kill Snow and then I get taken out myself. Ever since the Quarter Qwell, I was supposed to save him. That was the plan Haymitch and I came up with. The Capitol seemed to only prove my idea of leaving him, when Peeta was brought here hijacked. He would go into rage whenever he saw me, but what about now? Can I be selfish and want a life with Peeta?
The living person growing inside of my abdomen. My baby. He or she isn't even born yet, and it's changed so many of perspectives and decisions. I was scared, so I rushed off hoping that risking our lives in this war, and bringing Peeta back would make things simpler. I now know I'm just distracting myself with my real responsibility. I thought the best thing for my son or daughter was not to let it be born into this world, but it's not. They need a chance. Somehow I realized that while talking to Peeta.
I lay back on the bed with my legs over the side. Peeta does the same. He puts an arm under his head. We both stare toward the ceiling.
"There are some things that you can change, right?" I ask.
He looks at me. "Hmm?"
"You can make mistakes, but you can go and fix them, right? At least you can always try to."
"Yes, I guess so," He says. "But what are you talking about?"
I sit up and get up from the bed. "I have to go fix something," I say. I walk up to the door. "Good night Peeta. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Um, good-night. Tomorrow, then." He says. I can tell he's confused, but I can't explain now. I close the door behind me and take out the paper from my pocket. I tear it up into pieces and throw the shreds into a nearby bin. I run down the hallways which are pretty empty. I run up some stairs and then find Coin's office. Please be here. I knock on her door, and there's no answer. What if she's in bed already? No, I have to talk to her. I go to the Special Defense, but she's not there. I have to try Command. So I go there and find the doors locked. I knock on them, hoping somebody is in there. There's no answer for the longest time, and I'm about to give up. The door slides open.
"Katniss what are you doing here so late?" It's Coin. She's alone, but it seems she was communicating with someone on the computer.
"I can't go on the mission." I say.
Coin looks at me stupefied. "Why ever not?"
"As much as I want to see Snow killed, myself. I am in no condition to be going."
"That did not stop you before, and you were going to be safe, completely guarded."
"I'm sorry but I've changed my mind, and I believe it's for good reason."
"Katniss, we had an agreement." She says sternly.
"Yes, I know, but I'm not just putting myself at risk, and that is why I'm not going. Messalla and Pollux won't have to go. There will no longer be a need for extra protection for the mission. The team will no longer have to protect me, so they can concentrate on completing their mission successfully. And it would be better to have someone more suitable to do the job. Please respect my decision." I say and without being dismissed, I leave Command.
Coin didn't seem too happy. I guess I wouldn't be if someone broke their word to me. I don't know how she'll make me pay for it. It seemed that Coin had some kind of plan underneath it all. What it could have been, I don't know. All I know for sure is that I did what I had to do. I'm positive it was the right thing to do.
Yay. so Katniss and Peeta are almost normal with each other. She decide not to go on the mission, but something else is going on in the background. Foreshadowing! Coin is unhappy. Bum bum bum! Thanks for reading and I'd like any reviews you leave.
-cheezebuns