Chapter sixteen: Awareness

An owl approached Renee on dinner with a note saying their training will be off for a few days. She frowned on the note, she's eager to let me learn about it and yet she let me rest for a few days? That's so unlikely of her.

Renee looked on the brighter side of it. I could hang out with my friends more often now and could use my time on my homework since I'm getting behind.

A week had passed and Isabel still didn't show up. Renee signed heavily as she stirred on the cauldron; this is so unlikely of her to leave me hanging on my lessons.

"Mind on the cauldron Matte if you don't want to blow up on your face" Snape hissed behind her that she jumped in surprise and almost dropped the stirring rod.

"Sorry" Renee mumbled under her breath and tried to focus again.

To her relief, she finished the potion without blowing it up, from Snape's dismay. Renee transferred the liquid on the vials and handed it to him. Snape had already given her a permission to do simple potions for the infirmary.

"You seem to be out of focus" it was more of a statement as Renee cleared up the table. Renee glanced at him and saw Snape looking at her intently. Can I say my worries to him? Won't he be angry or irritated for hearing an almost adult acting like a five year old worrying for her mother?

She closed my eyes and signed. "You will just say it's childish"

"Try me" she gazed at him wondering. Is he trying to be nice? What has the world gone into?

"It's just that my mother is acting weird for a few days already. She left me hanging on our occlumency lessons. It was so unlikely of her" Renee said in a rush and peeked a glance at him and see if he was angry.

He was still untouched, but his eyebrows were already up in the air.

"Occlumency, she is teaching you occlumency?"

"Err…yes, it was already a month actually" I don't know what intrigues him.

"Did you learn it already?"

"Not that I already learned it, I just managed to put her off my mind a couple of times"

"I see" Snape stood up from his desk hesitantly with his wand on his hand.

Renee finished cleaning and made some finishing touches on the vial by writing label on them. She looked up at Snape and saw him standing in front of her while his hand playing on his wand.

"Do you mind if I try?" Snape looked so genuinely curious, a new expression she seen from him.

How could I ever resist that?

"Um…just make easy on me" Renee could feel the blood were now pooling on her face.

He nodded in agreement and pointed his wand onto her.

"legilimens" Renee heard his soft voice murmured the words that she always heard from her mother for the last month.

I could feel his mind wander onto mine. It was a different feeling like my mother; it was kind of gentle and careful (now I could say she was really brutal on me while teaching me). A memory of an eight year old of me flashed on my mind. I was happily playing on the swing, my mother was not too far from me, but I could feel her. I was laughing, thinking if I could make the swing higher. I raised my one arm, and the swing darted more higher than it supposes to be. I was laughing heartedly, enjoying the breeze on my skin…

Was that magic I just did?

I signed and tried to clear my mind. I need to put him off out, putting all of my efforts. He resists slightly but I still pushed him off. Like an elephant on the room, it was heavy to push him. But I still drive him off, until he was out of my mind.

Renee was slightly panting when Snape gets put from her mind. He blinked several times before he focused his eyes on the student in front of him.

"Good skill for a person who train for just a month" Renee grinned brightly on his complement, I never thought that he would say something as nice like that outside potions.

"Thank you professor" She could feel the blood on her face again, damn blushing.

"As for your mother, gave her a few more days. It's hard to teach Occlumency, it's mentally draining for both sides" Renee nodded in agreement. I've been suffering on migraines for a couple of days already, how much more for her?

She helped him on grading papers again and still amuse on students who can't wrote an essay decently. It was rather quite, and she was thankful for that. Being friends with the trio and being with the same house with the Weasley twins hardly having me a quite time to think.

"Is this really third year essay's? How can they just don't know the difference between staghorn and horned slug?" Renee groaned in frustration and put a D on the paper.

"Those dunderheads were like that, I never expect anything from them anyway" he muttered, putting another D on his paper.

"I maybe hanging around with you lately that I'm adapting to your snide remarks" she could see a smirk on his face even though he didn't looked up.

"It's a pity you didn't end up with my house" Renee blushed on his comment. She knew he was just kidding, but that made me blush nevertheless. Now I'm regretting for not allowing the sorting hat to put me on his house.

"If I end up with your house, you'll see me and Malfoy destroying the common room fighting everyday" she snickered.

The two finished grading in no time. It was kind of ironic to see a Slytherin and a Gryffindor working together in peace despite of the difference of the two houses. Well, he's a teacher but still has the Slytherin qualities. I really don't know how and why they come up to those houses, which just make the school complicated.

"I'll be going now professor. Good night" Renee smiled slightly at him.

"Miss Matte" she turned as Snape called her again.

"If you want, you could have occlumency lessons with me if your mother still busy" those words made her eyes light up, as she knew that he was just distracting her from worrying too much on Isabel.

"I'll think about it sir. Good night" Renee smirked as she closed the door.

There wasn't to think about it, surely he already knew my answer.

Renee lay down on her bed and stared blankly on the ceiling. His image still loiters on my head and his voice was still ringing. He might not be the most popular person on school, but he has those sides that he usually doesn't let other see. Maybe he was just misunderstood.

She shifted on the other side. Her dorm mates were already peacefully sleeping. Why do I always think of that potion's master? Why do I care if he's hurt? How did he always make me smile with his twisted humor? Why do I always want to see his other side beside those snide remarks he usually make?

Why do I always care?

And why do I always deny the answer I always had with my questions?

I have a crush on him?

He was the so called the vampire on the dungeons! The greasy git! And he's twenty years senior for Merlin sake!

My rational mind just escaped out of me. And it takes me months before I acknowledge those feelings.

My life was already complicated ever since I was living on the muggle world; these realizations won't really make a difference. It was quite obvious why I want more time with him. It was unhealthy for my poor heart, but denying it makes me feel worse.

It's more than a school girl's crush I know, but not merely they called love. I blush on the thought of love. Wait, am I also denying that I maybe love him?

Renee shuddered on the thought, trying to suppress her blush on her face. Deciding maybe she don't have anything to do about it and maybe she could just enjoy this new found feeling more, Renee blew the candles and went to a shallow slumber.