Chapter eighteen part one: Halloween

Snape's POV

I stood outside the dark house. It was awfully quite that the cold shivers through my veins. I dragged myself as entered the house and was greeted by a lifeless man's body. I didn't bother to stop and looked at him as I continue my way to the lighted room on the farthest corridor, praying that my biggest fear won't be true.

Ah…but there she was, lying on the floor…lifeless.

I found my self leaning on the door until I was pinning on the floor. She was already dead, a cold corpse in front of me.

And it was my entire fault.

I cradle her with my arms, not even caring on the crying infant on the crib. I let myself cry for her death. I died on the moment she died…my soul was entirely hers already though she wasn't even aware of it. She was my life, yet I failed her in so many ways.

I was the one who killed her…

I woke up panting and sweating all over the bad dream. Letting my hand run through my hair, I glanced at the flickering light of the candle beside me, another nightmare.

It was a reminder of my sin, a sin that I will regret for the rest of my life.

I stood grumpily and get ready for breakfast. Merlin knows what happen if I don't showed up to the bloody great hall. I entered the noisy room with my robes billowing around me. It was decorated with floating pumpkins and all, considering today was Halloween. I let a scowl on my face as I sat on my seat, looking on the students so happy and care free. Even my colleagues were undeniably happy today while I found myself mourning secretly. I remember how the dark lord vanished to this very day, every wizard celebrated that they went on the muggle world with their robes and not caring for the wizard rules.

It was Halloween when the dark lord visited the potters and killed them.

I was the one who let them be killed, it was my entire fault. I was the one who killed her.

I let myself wander on the Gryffindor table. The stupid potter boy was eating happily with his sidekick Weasley and the insufferable know it all Granger. It was nauseating how her child resemblance his swine father very much. I loath him as much as his father, yet I swear on my life and Lily's memory to protect the boy; even if it will cost my life.

I flicker my eyes to the person next to Potter. Dark brown headed girl with green eyes, the new girl on Hogwarts. Apparently she was one of the unexpected surprises of Dumbledore; letting her transfer in her fifth year, a very first time of Hogwarts. She was home schooled by her mother. And it seems to be carefully planned all along as the girl was following the same curriculum as the Hogwarts have.

She was quite unlike her insufferable friends in front of her; collected and mature than the rest of her classmates, and an observant to her surroundings. And even smarter than the insufferable-know-it-all, yet she remained to stay out of spotlight unlike that dunderhead Potter.

It was already a few months since she approached me and asked for extra lessons. Of course I told her no; seeing she doesn't need those and not letting a few hours of solitude will be wasted on her presence. Yet as a Gryffindor trait, she doesn't give up. She followed me like a fool and make intentional mistakes on my class to get my attention. I found those amusing but I am not changing my mind about those extra lessons.

But then again the insolent headmaster pries to my affairs again.

"It seems Miss Matte was really interested in your class Severus" he told me once after reporting the dark lord's plans. There was a twinkle on his eye that I know surely what will be the outcome of our conversation.

"Pray tell headmaster, why do you think so?"

"I happen to see her secretly following you around and asking for lessons. It's been a while since you had this student so eager to learn"

"I had no intention to grant the brat's wish headmaster"

"Don't be so harsh my boy. She has those potential to be great and you know it"

"Are you telling me to spend my precious time alone to this Gryffindor?" I frowned at the thought of being alone with a Gryffindor.

"Consider it as one of your responsibility to mold a student's future, Severus. And maybe you could find her as a good companion" I rolled my eyes to the headmaster as I heard the word 'good companion' on his mouth.

"And besides, she was struggling to adjust here. The poor girl was home schooled by her mother" He shook his head on disbelief like the girl had an unfortunate fate.

"Speaking of which, how could you let a student transfer here? I never heard anyone done that"

His eyes just twinkle beside his spectacles.

"That is, my boy…was another story"

I urged myself not to roll my eyes in front of the busy and noisy great hall. That made me curious to the girl. What does this new girl have that made her special? I agreed to these little extra lessons, as I know she won't be last a week with me.

She doesn't know what she was signing for.

Surprisingly, she already last for quite some time. She has that eagerness look in her eyes to learn and explore.

I left the great hall after eating, still regretting going there. I didn't even bother to talk to anyone on the teacher's table. I was far on the bad mood to do that.

Better get some Gryffindors to release my anger.

"Pray tell Mr. Longbottom, do you know what the proper color of the potion is?" I breathe on his neck; feeling him trembling on fear.

Neville Longbottom is the son of Alice and Frank Longbottom. They were my fellow co-members of the Order of the Phoenix, lost their sanity as they were tortured on Cruciatus curse.

"It's golden orange…pro..fessor" he stammered.

"And what is the color of your potion?" I sneered and he shivers on fear. I loath the boy as much as Potter, if he was the one who the dark lord's considered equal on that prophecy, Lily must me alive today.

"Maroon…" his quivering voice snapped me to reality.

"10 points from Gryffindor" I sneered and muttered 'evanesco' on his work then continued to roomed around the classroom. I already deducted thirty points from the Gryffindor, yet I still don't feel satisfied.

Only few students got the right color of the potion and one of it was the new girl. I peeked on her cauldron and it was golden orange as it normally does. I merely raised my eyebrow as acknowledgement; she nodded on return and ducked her face on her book again.

The class finished and the students almost run out of the classroom, thinking that I might deduct any points if they stayed longer. I sat on my desk and pinched the bridge of my nose, nursing my forthcoming headache. I should have second thoughts about getting this post if I knew I would be teaching such dunderheads like them.

I lifted my head and noticed the new girl remained on the classroom. Her wand was already on her hands and performing cleaning spells on the tables. It's already been her habit to remain on the lab to help me clean or just seemly to annoy me.

I observe her while she pilled up those cauldrons and begin to mutter cleaning spells. The sunlight was illuminating to her dark brown hair and her green eyes fixed on the cauldron, sleeves were rolled up and making faces on some potions her classmates made.

I noticed how her temper could be so short, considering how she transfigured Draco's ear like a rabbit on her second week in school. How she was eager to learn, especially on potions. How she was eager to protect her friends.

Lily…she was so much like her.

"You shouldn't have teach today if you have headache today professor" Her voice echoed the room; eyes were still fixed on the cauldrons.

"Those dunderheads were the only ones who give me headache" I commented dryly.

She looked at me and gave me a little smirk.

"Is that really bad?" her green eyes met mine; she looked back on the cauldrons momentarily.

"But you seem to enjoy your subject though" She already knew my answer through my silence. She fixed her eyes again on the cauldron with her head more bended on it.

"And why do say that?" I raised my eyebrow at her, interested on her observation.

"You're eyes were saying how much you like potions, that's why I never believe you like the DADA position" her green eyes lingered again on mine. She ducked her head again on the cauldrons, trying to hide her blushing cheeks and muttering to herself.

She is really a keen observer; I never thought my eyes would be like that.

I let my lips twitch upward a little on the new girl, but trying not to smile. It was true; I just wanted that position before because of the Dark Lord's order.

Pretending I was grading another set of essays, I would flicker my eyes a couple of times on the new girl. She remained her head bended down as she was trying to concentrate cleaning. I could see a few stakes of pink shade on her cheeks and how she chew her lower lip in frustration on the sticky potion that won't budge on the cauldrons.

She finished cleaning in no time, smiling in triumph as she removed the stains on the cauldrons.

"I never had thought you had fond of cleaning cauldrons Miss Matte" she glanced at me and rolled her eyes. She was the only one of the students who has courage to roll their eyes on me, but then again she was Gryffindor. Their house was famous on being brave; she must have taken that to their head of house.

"It's not bad to clean cauldrons sometimes…but with magic of course. And besides I just did that because you were such on a foul mood" she commented as she was looking something on the student's cupboard.

"And pray tell how do you know?" I asked, still amused on this little observant.

She finally found she was looking for; a small vial was already on her hands and placed it on my table.

"It's because professor…you almost deduct half of our house points, everyone knows that. See how the Gryffindors run so fast after class" she chuckled, as if she doesn't belong to that house.

"Got to go professor, see you later" she waved a little before she closed the door behind her.

I gazed on the vial she placed on my table and let my eyebrow raise and smile… almost.

It was anti-pain potion.

I finished my last class still on the foul mood that I even taken away points to every student I would passed on the hallway as I went to my quarters. I signed in frustration as I finished the last batch of essays needed to be graded. It was already sunset, a few rays of sunlight enters to curtain that left uncovered.

I stood and took a vial on the cupboard and drank its contents. My features began to change to a random sixteen year old boy. After transfiguring my black robes to fit my new body, I exited the room and headed to the grounds.

The grounds were nearly deserted; most of the students were on their common rooms because of cold weather. I took the chance to get away from the anti-apparition wards and apperate.

I found myself standing on the grounds of Godric's Hollow, a village of mixture muggles and wizards. It became my tradition, to visit her grave every Halloween. Yes it was dangerous; especially the dark lord was already alive. But it cannot stop me going to this place, even if I was torturing myself I kept seeing their old house and James's grave beside her, even if I die in the hands of the dark lord because of this…for all I care.

I reached my destination, Lily's grave. A bittersweet smile found my face, seeing her name on the grave. I reached my wand and make her favorite flower on her tomb, a Lily flower. I permitted myself wander to my memories with her. How we used to play when we were little on the river…how we used to study on the library…how we fooled around…

A tear escaped on my eye and I brush it off with my hand.

I don't have the right to cry for her, I was the one who bring her to death.

I tried to protect her to the dark lord after learning that the prophecy was actually pertaining to her family to the point that I went to Dumbledore as I failed pleading to the dark lord. I became I spy for him, but even him didn't save her life. She died saving her son.

My deep thought was interrupted as I felt someone behind me; I was clutching my wand on my wand to get ready for any possible fight.

I looked behind and saw a lady with black robes with hood. She raised her eyebrows on alarm as she saw my wand pointing to her. She has a dog beside her, growling on my reflex.

"No need to be frighten kid, I just want to visit someone's grave" her sweet voice echoed the deserted neighborhood. Reminding myself that I was still on a form of a sixteen old boy, I nodded on response and lowered the wand.

She went to the graves and made a Lily flower to both tombs. I looked at her uncertainty. Her dark brown hair was partially covering her green eyes, yet it was so evident that she looked so sad. Her dog sniffed on both tombs and whined.

The lady and the dog seem to be familiar. But where did I see them?

"You knew about them?" the lady inquired. I nodded on response, not trusting my voice to change too like my appearance.

"They were nice people. At least Lily was, James was more…what do you call this? Not mature to his age" she snorted sadly, her eyes were still fixed on the tomb. The dog whimpered on her statement, as if it understood what she had said. I made a little smirk; at least I was not the only one who thinks that.

The lady became silent as she gazed back on their graves. The dog beside her continues to whine as if it mourns for the dead. She wiped her eyes with her hands, though I didn't saw her crying.

"It was all…" her voice trailed, the dog whimpered and brushes his head on the lady's robe.

"I'm sorry; just let me be sentimental today…just today" she patted the dogs head for a moment and send him a sad smile. She flicker his eyes on me and open her mouth as if she was going to say something but didn't. She brought her eyes on the tombs again and signed.

"We should go now; we still have things to do" she smiled and I nodded at her. The dog was still growling at me, though I didn't even mind that.

"You should now go too…The place was not safe anymore. Nice to meet you" her last words echoed the street as they both apperate on thin air.

It was already dinner when I apperated just before the anti-apparition wards of the castle. I passed the great hall which is well lit, considering they were already having the Halloween feast as I had no desire to eat dinner.

Thinking of their happy festive faces sickens me.

I went straight to my quarters and got my bottle of firewhiskey to accompany me for the night.

Yes, it was the only thing that I needed right now.

I finished the bottle of firewhiskey and now having for my second bottle. My head was already dunked on the couch with a goblet on my hand. It was nice to have my brain clouded once in a while. Not thinking about the dark lord, Potter, Dumbledore…just Lily…my beloved Lily.

If only she was here…

My eyes flung open at the voice trying to wake me. I gasped as I first saw something I've been longing for almost all my life.

Her red hair freely waving on her back and her green eyes were fixed on mine. She took the goblet on my hand and placed it on the table. Her hands were on her hips, as if she was going to lecture me for drinking so much. I still stared at her, she looked that she wasn't aged at all since the last time I talked to her.

That was when we were on fifth year.

If it wasn't a dream, she must be taking me to the dead now.

"Lily…"