Chapter eighteen: part two

Renee's POV

I frowned and looked at the wall clock again. Professor Snape was already two hours late for our extra lessons, and it was the first time he did that. He was usually already here before I come here.

Somehow my school days became so quite. No vision, no Malfoy (if you would just ignore him), just normal classes, extra potion class and occlumency lessons. I was also getting a hang on my lessons with Mum. She has been going in our training like the usual days, with her strict tone which I was glad to.

I tapped my fingers impatiently on the table and looked around. He wasn't on the feast also. I remember how he complained about his headache after class, does that got worse? Or he was just forgot our lesson and went outside the castle?

I signed and rested my face on the cold table. The room seems to empty without him.

Should I wait here? Or check him up on his chambers?

I stood up and made a decision to check him up on his chambers. I dragged my bags behind me and run towards the door.

I knocked several times on his door and wait for his icily voice to make me come in. But no, there was still no movement inside.

Is he out?

I knocked again and waited, still no response. I signed heavily; he might me out today and not coming back until tomorrow. I turned my back on the door to head on the common room when I heard something inside. I pressed my ears on the door to check, I could hear a moan inside.

I grab the doorknob to open the door, but it won't budge. The door has wards. I step back and took my wand. I muttered some incantation, trying to open the door but no avail.

I run my fingers on my hair on frustration. The moan sounds like a sick person. Dang it, I need to open this bloody door. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, there are surely a spell I've read about this.

I opened my eyes and tried another incantation I've read about wards way back on my home schooling. Mother actually forbidden me to read about those books but I read it anyway. At last the doorknob made a click sound.

"Professor?" my voice echoed through the whole room as I poked my head inside. It room was dark as I slowly entered his private quarters. There was a table upper part of the room and it was surrounded by shelves filled with either books or vials. I snap back, thinking there would be another time to admire the room.

I lit up the candles and looked around. He wasn't on the room, but whose moan is it? Surely it wasn't peeves fooling around; he couldn't be down here because of his fear on bloody baron.

I found a door and opened it. The room was well lit by the candle and could see clearly the room. I found myself on his living room, surrounded by cozy armchairs and a small coffee table. There were two doors on the further part of the room; I assume that must lead to the kitchen and his room.

I blush on the thought that I was actually on his private quarters now. I am so doomed.

I heard a moan again and saw were it came from. Snape was lying on the cozy dark green couch. His head was lying on the couch and his face was half covered with his hair. There is a goblet on his hand and a half emptied firewhiskey on the floor.

My eyes narrowed on the sight, Snape drunk on the middle of the night?

I shook his shoulders to wake him, but still didn't. I frowned at the pre emptied goblet on his hand. How much did he drink anyway?

"Professor… Wake up" I swayed the hair on his face to get a better look. His face was on a frown and his lips were partially open. I blushed hard as this is the first time I saw his face closer. I closed my eyes and try to focus on the thing on hand.

"Professor, you need to get up" I shook his shoulders more forcefully this time with a firm voice. Be began to stir up and stared his half open eyes on me.

"Really professor, I never knew you were this stupid to drink this much" I took the goblet on his hand and rolled my eyes on disbelief. Regretting a little for calling him stupid but he didn't respond on my word. He was stunned to whatever he sees to me today, the potion master was really drunk.

I put my hands on my hips and stared back at him. He still didn't spoke at all like he was petrified or he was asleep again, I didn't know. I bended and glanced if he was still awake.

"Professor?" I called to get his attention. His eyes stir up a little and gazed on my eyes. He suddenly smiled at me, not his usual smirk he had; but a real warm smile. I took a step backwards with my hands on my mouth and blushing furiously.

"Lily…" he muttered under his breath. He must be mistaken me for someone else.

"I'm not Lily…sir" I hint of hurt was on my voice. Who is this Lily he preferred to?

I helped him stood up on his feet, put his arms around my shoulders for support and headed for the door (hoping that was the bedroom).

We struggle our way, banging all the things we could met on the way to the bedroom. He was much taller and bigger than me. I was still blushing furiously as I think of his arms around my shoulders and his warm body was actually leaning onto me for support.

Mind over matter, mind over matter…I keep repeating on myself to get focus.

I opened the door and thankful that it was the bedrooms I've chosen. The room was quite spacious, with his four poster bed on the center. The walls were decorated with Slytherin colors (I thought his room would be utterly black) with a symbol of Slytherin on it. I dropped him on the bed, with his face facing the soft pillow. I massaged my stiff shoulders; I never thought he would be this heavy. I took his shoes of his feet, and tucked him behind the covers and lit the candles around us.

I pushed his hair to get a better look on his face. His eyes were closed again, with a faint smile on his face. I was taken aback with his smile, he smile? That wasn't seems to fit at all. Did he really think I was Lily? And who is this Lily anyway? A hint of jealously stab me.

I was on my way out when a hand hold my arm to stop me.

"Don't leave me Lily" he said, his voice seems so miserable. I looked onto him and looked how vulnerable he was.

"Are you here to take me with you? But I'm sure going to hell" I flinch at his statement. Could these be mean Lily was already dead?

"I'm not her…"

"Sure you are Lily…my precious Lily. I've already protected your son Potter. Isn't that enough to take me with you? I am tired of these, let me die…" he mumbled as he closed his eyes and loosen his grip off me.

Now I was shocked by the revelation. Lily was Harry's Mum. And he love her even if she was married to someone else, and protecting her son after their death? Tears began to flow freely on my face. He loves her so much that he dedicates his life to protect the son of his love.

I walked backwards until I reached the door and run. I clumsily wiping the tears on my eyes but it was still flowing. I went back to his office and looked for sober up potion, but didn't find any. I bite my lower lip to prevent myself to produce any voice.

Why am I crying anyway?

His love was already dead, who am I kidding?

I sniffed miserably as I ducked myself on the floor and hide my face on my shoulders. My heart hurt so much that I could die this instant. I shouldn't have assumed this much.

I signed and stood on my feet again. I should find or brew a sober-up potion for him. I looked on the shelves again, trying my luck to find something from it.

Shook my head on resignation, exited the room and went straight to the potions lab to make a sober up potion.

I slump the door open and went straight to the cupboard. Tears were still clouding my eyes as I picked the ingredients to start brewing. Why am I so hurt?

I don't even have the right to be hurt, I was just his student.

He had live even before I was born so it was obviously he had loved someone else. But my rationalization wasn't getting on my heart. I was crying for him, crying for my miserable heart.

I finished the sober-up potion in no time and headed back to his quarters to leave the potions for him. He will be definitely having a wrenched head on the morning. I found him where I last place him. I knew his hatred for Harry was more behind it; but I never knew it would be something like this.

He was awake as I placed the potions at the top of the cabinet. He was frowning and looking into the ceiling, not even bothered that I was there. He gazed on the sober up potions and raised his eyebrow.

"I don't need those" he firmly said; seemed to be recognized me already.

"You need that sir. You can't teach tomorrow with a hangover" I said quietly at the drunken potions master. I wonder if he was already sober.

"Leave me alone" he gazed on the ceiling again as if there was a fascinating thing on it.

"Not until you drink one"

He sat on his bed and glared at me.

"I said leave me alone, or that stupid brain of yours can't process it?" he sneered.

"For once I am not stupid because I didn't drown myself on firewhiskey and don't have the strength to get up" my anger was starting to get on my head. My anger at him for being so locked up to his feelings, my jealously to a dead person and myself, for falling to his man. He felt silent, but still glaring at me.

"I don't want anyone to be nosy with my affairs, especially a Gryffindor" he snapped at me.

"And then what? You're going to be like this and be miserable for losing someone who's actually not yours on the beginning?" I spat, trying not to spill the tears on my eyes.

I yelp as he lunched himself onto me and slammed me on the wall with his arm on my neck. His eyes were piercing into mine.

"You know nothing! Nothing! Don't speak as if you know about me!" he shouted. I never saw him angry like this.

"I know what I'm saying professor" I chocked, trying to removed his stern arm on my neck. We were silent with that position. I began to gasp for air as his arms were squeezing my neck; his eyes were still resting onto mine with his livid expression.

He loosens his grip (he maybe saw me already getting blue for lack of air) and I stumble on the floor, coughing furiously and gasping for air. I was glad he turned his back onto me, that I can't control the tears coming out of my eyes.

"Get. Out" he spat on every word. His every word stung on my heart very much. I don't have to be told twice, I weakly stood up and exited the room and slammed the door hard behind me. I heard clashing sounds behind the doors and his anguish voice.

I went on the common room not even bothering the shock faces of my friends as they saw my appearance. I was kind of glad that they were the only once who were on the common room.

"What happen…Re…" I stumbled on the floor and cried, not even bothered if my fellow Gryffindors woke up because of me. Hermione was hugging me, rubbing my back and saying comfortable words to calm me. Harry and Ron were just stunned behind us, not even able to speak…or they speak that I didn't heard of.