Chapter nineteen: A lonely heart

Renee gazed on her reflection and signed. Her hair was sticking all over the place…her eyes were bloodshot, and her haggard face was like telling that she wasn't able to get decent sleep for weeks.

She signed again, it was just yesterday when it happened and I look like shit.

Last night was a mess too, Renee really don't remember how she ended up on the common room…or on her bed. All she could remember was Snape's livid expression, his arms clutching her neck and running away from his quarters.

"You know nothing! Nothing! Don't speak as if you know about me!"

His voice still rang on her head. I've saw him in angry in class or in any occasions…but I've never saw him this angry.

Maybe I never knew him at all.

Renee tried to make her appearance better by taking a shower and dabbing some concealer on her face but still no avail. I still looked wrecked.

Renee surrendered to make her face presentable. I will hex until the school ends whoever comment about my looks right now.

She headed to the great hall for breakfast though she wasn't really that hungry at all, but I need to force food on my throat if I want to last for a day.

The trio looked surprised and their whispering conversations stopped when they saw Renee coming and sat next to Hermione and Ron, which she regretted as soon she sat.

Harry was in front of me with a worried look on his face, damn.

"Are you okay?" Hermione was the first one to cut the awkward silence.

"I'm perfectly…fine" Renee sputtered the word fine…I knew I wasn't and I'm not fooling everyone. She gazed down on her plate, trying not to have eye contact with the boy who lived.

"You came back on the common room last night crying" Renee looked at Harry as he spoke.

Does he look like his father that Snape was so loath to see him?

"Look, I'm fine. Don't worry about me" Renee snapped at Harry and the trio became silent again.

It was unbearable to see Harry today, or anyone for that matter.

She looked on the teachers table and found that the potions master was still not there. He must have not taken those sober-up potions because of his blasted pride. After all, that was one of his house specialties.

Classes were a blur for Renee; yet she made sure to pretend that she was already okay. The trio and Neville seem to be buying it already as Neville was asking her help for potions.

The class was undeniably quite as they wait for the potions master, even Malfoy was quite (that even scares me). They might have been seen Snape's wrath today. Apparently there are rumors on lunch that how he deducts points to houses like a mad man and could finish all house points of the four houses on one day.

These will definitely be a long class.

The door burst open that made the whole class jumped in surprise. His fast pace were followed by his robes billowing around him. His face was unreadable; his lips were in thin line, like he would burst any minute now.

The whole class was on the edge of their seats and followed the potions master with their eyes. He is unquestionably not on his normal state, with his paler skin and very visible black circles on his eyes, he must not be able to sleep last night. Renee glued her eyes on the board and tried not make any eye contact with him.

"Today, you will be brewing Herbicide…" his voice made the class jumped again in surprise, like it they were first years having their first potions class.

"I'm giving you forty minutes to finish it. Begin" the class starts to gather our ingredients for the potion, even the slytherins were obedient today.

I wonder if they happen to hear his anguish voice last night.

The awkward silence wasn't even last for ten minutes when Snape began to bark to another Gryffindor.

"Have you bought your brain to some second hand store? Don't you know the difference between these ingredients? Ten points to Gryffindor for being a dunderhead" he sneered, like he was stopping himself to do an unforgivable spell on the poor boy. Renee met his gaze; his eyes were pitch black…and full of anger.

And it was like that…he must have been barking most of the class, mostly it was Harry and Neville. Even his very lovely Slytherins didn't get away from his wrath, he deduct points from Malfoy. If I was on the mood right now, I might laugh at his misfortune…thinking it was time Snape punish that kid. Renee kept her gaze either on the cauldron, the book or the board.

No, I can't meet his gaze. Like he was, I was still angry; angry at him for being snarky, to Lily for my bloody jealousy…and to myself for being like this.

The classes finished as everyone's relief. Over all fifty points were deducted to Gryffindor's house and thirty on the other. Everyone was tidying their things to get out of the room, fast. Renee was first to bottle the potion and handed it on his desk, their eyes met hers for a moment and looked on his parchment again.

"Not enough" he whispered in no particular reason but Renee still heard him…he didn't not even glanced back. That made Renee stop from getting her things and get out of the room.

"What do you mean not enough?" Renee gathered all her strength to speak up to him without making her words sputter.

He was looked surprised for a moment like he wasn't supposed to voice those out.

"Your potion, it wasn't good enough" he countered back; she could feel it was just an excuse…but it still makes her angry for some reason. Now the world seems to stopped and the whole class seems to be hanging to the two's conversation.

My potion was obviously perfect, as it always been. What was his problem?

Of course he has a problem, it was me.

"As long as I could remember professor" Paused as Renee emphasizing the word 'professor'. She could feel Hermione's gaze on her telling she should shut up…but no, I couldn't stop anymore.

"…my potion was perfectly brewed that it was better than Miss Granger or Mister Malfoy" Renee could see Malfoy snorted bitterly on her side but ignored it…I could handle him later on.

"I am the potions master here Miss Matte. I know what I say when it wasn't good enough" he now looked at her on the eye and raised his eyebrow.

"Yes you are the potions master here, no doubt. But you didn't even glance on my work and telling it was not good enough?" she emphasized on every word she had said and not tearing her eyes off him. Renee's eyes were beginning to narrow, and could feel her eyebrow was arching way up as her anger was beginning to show up. She could feel my eyes were beginning to water because of her rising frustration with him…no the last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of the class.

Her words made Snape shut up for a moment. The two seems to forget their little audience around as Renee was still gazing at the potions master and tried to search for something but found nothing.

"Channeling your anger to your class won't make you any good professor" taking his silent as an advantage, Renee took her bag and headed out of the room and made the door banged as loud as she could do.

Her slow walk changed into fast pace until she was running on the corridors, not bothering where her feet would lead her. Not having the heart to go her remaining classes, Renee found herself standing on the astronomy tower. She was a little relieved to found that she was alone on the tower, her feet lead me on the farthest corner fell on her knees and cried.

Renee was crying on frustration. Why is he making it hard for me? Of course he was still angry from last night. I was doing all that I can to cover my true feelings for today. But how he made my composure slip easy like that was still a mystery to me.

I think I stayed long enough on the tower that I barely noticed that it was already dark outside. Renee passed the well lighted great hall, not even cared to take dinner, I'm not hungry anyway. She went to the transfiguration room and wait for Isabel.

"You're early" Isabel greeted as she opened the door and found Renee on McGonagall's desk.

She smiled timidly at Isabel wishing she won't notice her mood.

"Are you ready?" Isabel has that twinkle on her eyes like Dumbledore, like she was planning something. Renee nodded and sat on her usual seat.

"Legilimens" the usual sensation entered her stream and memories flowed again. Renee finally got used on the training and got her tiredness on the training controlled.

She opened my memory on the potions lab with Snape. I was laughing quietly as he was on the cupboard and getting some ingredients. He has a hint of humor on his eyes that made the other me laugh louder on his joke that I can't hear from here.

Stop it! Stop!

I could hear myself shouting at mother. No…she doesn't have to see those. I don't want to see it anymore. I pushed her outside my mind harshly. But she didn't budge on my surprise and go even deeper on my mind. My happy memories with Snape were beginning to flow; How I looked on his direction, how I argue with him on our usual conversation on my extra class, how I laugh on his snide remarks. How I feel so complete when I'm with him.

I noticed how genuinely happy I was around him.

Renee felt her hands were already on her head as Isabel watched her thoughtfully. She placed her hands on her shoulders and shoved it off harshly.

"Don't touch me!" Renee shrieked, making her voice echoed around the room.

Isabel opened her mouth to say something but changed her mind. She just stood in front of her as she watched her daughter staring on her shoes.

"You're not fit to practice today. Go sleep" Renee nodded on agreement and leave the room without wasting any second.

Tears were now flowing on her eyes again as she entered on the common room. She passed Hermione and Ron who were shocked by her appearance and went straight on her bed.

I was already aware why I was feeling contented around him, how I feel so hurt yesterday, how I was bitter with Lily.

It was not just a silly school girl's crush anymore, it was love. I had fallen to the man I shouldn't have.

And it was already too late to back out.