Sorry but I had to take someone. I was considering going with the book, but then you guys wrote why some of them shouldn't die. One person is gone. I think it's important when Katniss lost somebody close. She became all grief stricken, but she became happy... eventually.
Chapter 33
I constantly have to remind myself where I am, and who I am. My name is Katniss Everdenn. I'm eighteen years old and I'm in the Capitol. I've escaped from Snow and I'm not dead. I don't know what happened to them; Prim, Gale, Finnick, Johanna. They must be dead, along with my baby.
My new doctor, Dr. Aurelius, tells me that my only problems are the burns and getting the last of the trackerjacker venom out of my system. He lets me know how Peeta is doing without having to ask. He tells me he has some burnings and a minor concussion. Then he begins to start talking about my mental health, which sound like will take a lot more time to heal than my arms. He says I'll be receiving therapy, and then goes on about how I may not be given medications, because these antidepressants are not approved to be taken during a pregnancy.
And that's when I break. His unintentional hint tells me I'm still pregnant. My baby is still alive. I start to shed tears. And it's not my usual sobbing, but a crying spell. Dr. Aurelius seems to be perplexed as why I am crying. He immediately calls a nurse and then he tries to use his professional consolation to get me to calm down. I know these aren't tears of joy, because I am not happy. I'm not upset that my child is alive, either. I don't really understand why I'm crying. It's just because it hurts right now. I'm probably losing control of mind.
"How is that possible?" I say brokenly. "I fell. I fell right on my baby. I thought they were dead for sure."
Dr. Aurelius looks at me sympathetically. "The protective vest must have saved your child's life. Your baby is still very much alive. It looked fine from the ultrasound we did."
There I sit in bed, shaking with sobs, when I see my mother. The nurse stands a distance, while my mother walks over to the side of the bed. She puts her arm around me and moves the hair out of my face. She begins to shush me like when I was very young. I gradually stop the shaking, and then it is just sounds of my whimpering and shallow breathing. I look around, and see the nurses and Dr. Aurelius have gone. It's just me and my mother.
"What happened to her?" I ask in a whisper.
"Prim is here," my mother says. She's not smiling though, so it means something bad is to come. "They found her and Finnick unconscious, and they were both transported here. Finnick managed to save her from the gas. She's still alive, with some side effects." My mother breaks eye contact with me. "Finnick gave his mask to her, leaving him to be completely exposed to the gas. The gas that was used is deadly with a certain amount of exposure." She loosens her hug on me. "He died before he could receive help."
I feel I might be sucked back into my sobs. Finnick is dead. I pull my knees to my chest and my face in my hands. He gave his life for Prim. There's no way I'll be able to pay him back or show him how grateful I am. It's too hard to grasp the idea that he's dead. It almost seemed that he was invincible and too witty to die. Why did he have to die? He had just gotten married with Annie. The happy life they were supposed to have will never be made real. Why did he do it? So I could still have my sister? And when I'm supposed to feel happy, I still feel dejected. I'll never be able to tie a knot without thinking of him.
I lift my head to see my mother still there. My crying has stopped, but the remaining tears still stain my cheeks. My mother wipes my cheek. She kisses my forehead and leaves the room. I wouldn't know what to say anyway. I'm torn between the sadness of Finnick's death and the relief of Prim being alive.
The following day I ask my doctor for me to go see Prim. She's in recovery and there's no other person I want to see more right now. The doctor allows it and tells my mother that it will help with my recovery of the incident. My mother seems to be the only one thinking of declining my request. Why? Why doesn't she think it's a good idea to let me see Prim? Dr. Aurelius tells me I'll see her, but my mother still looks troubled.
In the evening of that day, I get ready to see my sister. I'm put in a wheelchair because they say I'm still in a fragile state with my pregnancy and all. My mother comes to take me to see Prim. She still looks tense. This only makes me worry if something bad happened to Prim. She's alive. That's all that I should be thinking about right now. She wheels me down a hallway and then we reach a door. My mother pushes it open and wheels me into the room. The first thing I see is a fragile looking girl covered in white sheets. Her hair spreads around her head like a halo and her eyes appear dark and closed.
"Prim," I say.
She opens her eyes. "Katniss? Is that you?" she asks in a frail voice.
"Yeah, I'm right here. So is mother," I answer.
"Katniss, I'm so happy to hear your voice. Where are you? Are beside me?"
"I'm right in front of you…" I say. "Prim, can you not see me?" I look to my mother questionably. She shakes her head. I look to Prim and notice the vacant look she has. She doesn't see me. She's blind.
"I… can't see. They say the gas caused me to lose my sight."
I roll over to the side of her bed by myself. I take her hand in mine. "You can't see at all?"
"I can sometimes distinct outlines, but it's all blur."
"Is it temporary?" I look to my mother. She knew about this, but didn't even try to tell me. I feel sort of angry at her. It's really not her fault, but she tried to hide it from me.
"They think so. They say her sight might come back in a few months or so. The gas had daphne in it which causes temporary blindness. It can also cause death if a lot is taken in," my mother says tiredly.
"Prim, I'm so sorry…" I say. How could have I let this happen. Finnick is gone and Prim is blind. There must have been something I could have done to save them both.
"It's alright Katniss. It will come back," she whispers reassuringly. She puts her other hand on top of mine. She gives a small smile in my direction, and for a moment it seems she's not blind at all. "I still kept my promise to you."
"A promise?"
"I'd made sure to be here before my nephew or niece was born," she says softly. A sad laugh comes out and I hug her. She's here and that's all I really care about. I think her words were, "I'll be the first one to see them." Sadly, that's not going to happen, but she's here. She fulfilled her promise to me no matter what it really was.
My mother sadly has to take me back to my room for treatment. I kiss Prim on the forehead and wheel myself out of the room. In the hallway, I find the opportunity to question my mother.
"How come you didn't want me to see her like this?" I ask.
She wheels me along past some doctors, and when they're out of listening distance she starts talking. "I didn't want you to feel any worse than you already felt."
I find her answer slightly irritating. "You thought you were protecting me from feeling bad?"
"I wasn't sure how you would take it."
"Well, I hope I acted well enough for you," I say.
"It's not for me, Katniss. Those doctors have been studying your behavior. They came to me considering finding another guardian for your baby. They're not sure you will be well enough to handle taking care of a child."
"I'll be well enough when the time comes," I say sternly.
"I hope so, but you and Peeta are still very young. You two have gone through so much. I'm all for wanting to see my grandchild, but just think if you really are ready. Having a baby comes with so much responsibility. I just don't want you to be like-"
"Like you? Go into a depression and neglect my son or daughter? No I won't let that happened to them."
My mother keeps a stern expression. "I hope it doesn't." She wheels me into the room, and I get back into bed. "I'll see you tomorrow," she calls as she leaves the room.
Along with the doctors, I'm get visits from Plutarch, Haymitch- oh and Johanna came to see me once. Plutarch basically tells me what's going on with the war. He says Snow was captured the day of the parachute bombings, and how he will be trialed. I don't understand why he's having a trial. He's going to be found guilty and be executed. And lucky me, I'm the one to kill him.
I think it's like my third night in the hospital when I see Haymitch. I've had a hard time remembering what happened in the Capitol. I've been receiving someunexpected visitors also, like one night Finnick came into my room and started talking to me about sea turtles. Madge was surprised, but happy to find me pregnant. My father came into my room and sung the Hanging Tree. He kissed my forhead, and told me that my mother was not to know about it. So Haymitch came, and he isn't dead. They told him it would help me grasp reality a bit more if he came. It turns out he was very uneasy about the whole thing: me being imprisoned and Peeta going off to into battle. He really cares about us, and I'm really considering him something like family instead of the drunken mentor that was our only hope of staying alive.
"It's strange, isn't it?"
"Yeah," I say dryly.
"The three of us, still alive," Haymitch says. "Truthfully, I didn't think I'd last this long."
I let out a small chuckle. "I could say the same thing." I turn on my side. "It's funny. We've been coming up with plans to save the other, thinking one of us will have to die, and yet… here we are."
"Everybody wins," Haymitch says sarcastically.
I sigh. "How come the good people are the ones to go?" I say lowly.
"You talking about Finnick and them?" I nod my head against the pillow. "And what, you're not a good person?"
"No,"
Haymitch furrows his brows, but he smirks. "Of course, because undeserving people are the ones that save lives, help people, and sacrifice themselves for others. You have gone a little off in the head, haven't you? You can't say you're undeserving of still being alive."
"I'm at fault for a lot of those people's deaths. Some of them died, keeping me alive," I croak.
"Because you did something that drove them to keep you alive. You helped people Kantniss. You were a real image of a rebellion, even if you didn't want to be. Your actions were what drove people to turning against the Capitol, and look where that has gotten us. The Capitol is no longer in power. Dead. Gone. I think you deserve to be here. Those people lost in the war clearly thought so. So, don't let their actions go in vain. Quit moping."
And there I lay in bed, thinking about what he said. Jackson, Castor, Messalla, Boggs, Leeg, Homes, Finnick, Maggs, Lavina, Darius… the list can go on. I should be happy to still have my sister, Peeta, Gale, and those who made it out. My son or daughter is still alive. And then they'll be born into this world, but it still frightens me.
Johanna was so nice to come and visit. Johanna tells me about what happened to the rest of the squad. She and Pollux managed to find their way out of the City Circle, assisting the rebels in infiltrating the Mansion. Gale and Cressida were freed, shortly after the rebels took the Mansion. They both received gun wounds and minor burns, but they're out of the hospital now. Cressida and Pollux were sent to the districts to cover the wreckage of the war. Gale is in District 2 taking out the remaining Peacekeepers. She brings up Finnick, and then she starts to get upset.
"I should've been there. I would've gone in the gas instead of him," she says earnestly.
"He stopped Peeta from going. He saved his and my sister's life," I say solemnly.
She lets out a sad chuckle. "What a Finnicky thing to do," she says. "But if I would've been there, he would still be alive and I would be dead." I stay silent. I'm not sure what to say. "Like I said, there's not much for me to live for... but Finnick! He had Annie… and a kid on the way…"
I'm confused at first, but then I realize that she's saying Annie is pregnant. Johanna lets out another sad chuckle from reading my expression. She gets up from her chair. "You weren't the only one that got knocked up, Mockingjay."
It hits me in the gut. It's like a stray punch from that girl, Enna, in the hand-to-hand combat station. Annie is pregnant and Finnick is dead. That kid will never know his father. I feel guilty, and I don't know if I should be. Finnick gave his life for my sister. I wonder if Finnick knew before he left to the Capitol. Did Annie know? I put myself in Annie's place. Pregnant and the father of her child, dead. I feel incredibly sad just thinking of raising my kid alone without Peeta. I don't think I could really bring myself to let of go of him, and make myself keep going. I thought he was dead, but it never hit me how I would be able to raise our kid.
"She's pregnant," I whisper to myself. "Annie must be incredibly hurt right now."
"You could say that," Johanna says. "Actually, even in her state of mind, she took the news better than expected. They feared she would go into shock. She's upset- don't get me wrong- but she's still mentally there."
"She's already doing better than me," I say in a dry voice. "I kind of was in shock when I heard Peeta and you guys were dead." Johanna shrugs her shoulders. I stroke my bump where the baby is. Annie is a lot stronger than we all take her for. She's somehow strong enough to return back to reality after going to whatever delusional world she goes to. Which I suspect has to be better. "You know, maybe Annie isn't mad. Maybe everyone else just is."
Johanna laughs. "That, I could believe." She walks to the door. "I'll see you later Mockingjay. Probably when you stick an arrow in Snow's chest."
Oh I forgot about that. I'm not surprised really. I forget easily now, but you would think I'd remember getting the honor of killing Snow. I guess too much has been going on. I really want to see Gale, but he's gone to District 2. Peeta is still recovering, and I don't think they'll let me leave again. I wonder if he knows that our baby is still alive. Would he be happy? Am I happy? Thinking that I lost my baby, showed me how dangerously it could hurt me. I haven't even seen them and already I was broken. What happens when they're only a few years old and they get hurt? What if something terrible happens to them? What if I'm not a good mother and can't protect them? How could I let them get them hurt, and understand that it would be my fault? They'll experience pain and I'll be forced to feel the hurt of not being able to keep them safe.
Maybe my mother was right. Maybe Peeta and I aren't up to raising a kid. If I do go into a depression, what would happen? If Peeta were to have one of his episodes, and I was mentally gone, who would take care of our baby?
Well there it is. Why would I do that to Prim? Because if I didn't kill her, then something had to make Katniss want to kill Snow. Yes, I'm sad he died, but I think some kind of bond between Annie and katniss would ease the pain it caused. Thanks for reading and reviews on your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
-cheezebuns